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chrissy c a Mar 2016
We always joked about,
How you were my Alex,
I was your Rosie.
We said everything about that movie,
Depicted you and me.

Not realising what I was doing,
I had your number on speed dial,
‘What do I even say if he picks up?’
It had been months,
I think even more than a year,
What was I thinking?

I had everything I wanted to say all planned out,
Your voice rose up from the other end,
The world stood still for a minute.
'Hello?' you said.

A wave of emotions washed over me,
I could not put a word to those feelings.
That sense of comfort,
and familiarity.
Something that I missed,
I had forgotten all about it.

We didn’t have much to say,
but that was okay.
It was a comfortable sort of silence,
Just us both,
existing at this very moment.

I miss you too, Alex.

I never got to say it
..........I just had this sudden urge to write again and I knew I needed to get this out of my system. Here's to you, old friend.
Karmen Mar 2016
I don't know what it is
Well not exactly what it is
That makes me feel like I
I sort of want to die
Crawl under the rock
Bury myself deep under
Cry a thousand tears
Question whybeg to have you near
Find me ato least
We'll actually
That, that's all a lie
I know a little
Little of what it is
That makes me feel less
Less enough to just die
That is
Well it's you
You've damaged me
So much it's the ultimate struggle
A struggle to be me
Like just
Genuinely me.  
And it hurts
Not being me hurts me most
Not you
Not you being away
Or the lies you fed to me
It hurts I can't be me
That's what
That's why
I feel like I
I just want to die
Journal.
Karmen Mar 2016
I'm not the same
I've been destroyed
I've gone insane

The struggle I have
Figuring out why
I've become this way
How did I allow this

It was somewhere between
Each different heartache
That removed every bit of me

Those no longer in my life
That easily walked away
Without a good bye
A reason why
They robbed me
Pieces of my heart they stole
That day they walked away

I've gone insane
I've been destroyed  
I am not the same

These thoughts can't be mine
They're way out of line
Smile during the day
Crying at night
Yelling why

I don't know to get by
Each day I struggle
Questioning why
Begging for it to end

Smiling is no longer easy
My laughs are short
I don't speak anymore
Sleeping doesn't help
Neither does eating

Drugs are a remedy
But only temporarily
Even those
no longer help

Laying wide awake
Remembering why
I've been destroyed
What's made me go insane
To make me not the same

The answers vary
There are so many


I'm not the same
I've been destroyed
I've gone insane
There's no way back
Karmen Mar 2016
The most confused
From only one person
The biggest confusion
One human has give me

Each night
I lay awake
Wondering why
Things happened this way

Reminiscing of our nights
That turned to days
Which we spent together
From laying quietly & still
To whispering our deepest feels
Cuddling closer
Making animal noises
Quick pecks on the cheek
You going for more

Those were the best moments lived
I knew it wouldnt last
Soon it would come to an end
Like all great things do to me

You never said good bye
I didn't know why
It destroyed me to know
It was always a joke
Least that's what filled my head
When you didn't say why

Depression hit
More than I've known
Binging on drugs soon begun
Locked in a room
Not even coming out for food
What was the point
If I didn't have you

1 month pass
You message me hello
Speaking to me
Like you did nothing wrong
2 days later
You're here at my door
It's so good to see you
But I'm hurting inside
Trying not to cry
When you ask me what's wrong
Take care I say turning away
Step inside before you the tears falls

Curled into a ball
Crying as I've done
So many nights before

You've left me confused
Only you
The most confused
I've ever been
How could one human
Cause so much confusion

Each night I fall asleep
But only to wondering why
It all went this way
Wondering why
It ended like this  

Praying for the thoughts to end
As the tears shed
One last breath
Till I'm in the dreamworld
Karmen Mar 2016
Tweaker Tweaker
Did you eat any dinner
And Have you showered
Tweaker Tweaker
How long have you been awake
When's the last time you had real sleep
Or is everyday maintained
W/ 10mins every half hr.
Tweaker Tweaker
Do the shadows still appear
Are the voices the only thing you hear
Is what you feel inside your skin
Even real or just made up in your head
Tweaker Tweaker
Do you even care
The ones you love miss you so much
Do you even care
You've lost your life before 25
Tweaker Tweaker
Please get better
Reach out for help
Put the needle down
Drop the pipe, hear it shatter
Blow away that line you just crushed up
Tweaker Tweaker
It'll be alright
Your loved ones are still near
They still care
Reach out for help
Don't be scared
Everyone only wants to help
Tweaker Tweaker
When you quit
The devil will shout
It won't be easy , count on that
It will be worth it
You'll get to live
So try your best
Beat past this, you'll get through this
Slowly but surely
You'll make to 100 days sober
Reunite with all your loved ones
Employeed with a growing family
Is what will come
When you decide  
It's time to end the Devils game
So
Tweaker no more,
but a lady or gentleman
Good for you
You've come far
Keep your mind positive
I'm proud of your sobriety
Congratulations  
You're living
& now you see why
Sobriety was always worth it
Tweaker no more
Lady or gentleman
How was the meal you just had
Was the shower the best you've had ?
Did you finally get some sleep
Were you able to escape
the shadows and voices from in your head
Tweaker no more
Just admit
This is the best you've felt
Since your first time trying crystal  
You feel human finally
There's no going back
To tweaker island
You won't make it out
The second time around
So hide your very best
Keep yourself busy
And talk out loud
When you feel like
you Might relapse back
into tweakers land.  
With no chance to survive another night
Karmen Mar 2016
2 am
A lot on my mind
Not a bit surprised.
Body aches
Eyes heavy
Can I rest already?
Thoughts roaming
Memories flowing
Mind wide awake
How do I sleep tonight?
Brain hurting
Sleep deprived
Yawning more & more
Slow breathes in
Exhale out
Thump, Thump, Thump
My heart makes
Only sound I hear
Laying perfectly still.
Shadows forming
Darkness becoming darker
Am I awake
Or staring into space .
Unsure of what I know
Dreaming of what will be
Why is it hard to let it all go ?
Body at ease
Perfectly still
Eyes closing each min passed by
Mind wide awake
But empty inside
Looking for my far away land
Journey extended
Next thing I know
Daylight is what's to be shown
Alarm buzzing in my ear
Thinking do I have to awake
Wait....
Did I even really sleep ?
Was it all my sleep deprived mind
Playing tricks on me again?
I don't know
But truth be told
Overthinking
Can destroy ones soul
I just want to sleep
When will my mind be at ease
Karmen Mar 2016
Calm and secure you always made me feel
Each night we lay side by side
Hand in hand
Sometimes with my head on your chest
It felt right
Two beats in tune
Each breath released as if it were one
Heart aching for what would come
It knew this wouldn't last
Still I went along
Pretending it would all be alright
I didn't expect it to end this way
Not this fast is what I mean
Thought there would be one last time
Moments like this are rare
Wish I could relive
What love you made me feel
The battle to let go
All too real to be told
Demons I fought
As I lost you in sight
The time went by
Never to be as I once was
Jst.moved on
Forgetting that once upon a time
Each night we shared
I once was calm and secure
Arielle Dawn Mar 2016
10 AM, train

How do you deal with other people if you don't know how to deal with yourself?
How are you supposed to tell someone you're broken?
How do you explain to people that you never meant to hurt them, and you know all too well how it feels to hurt the way they do?

How can you ever expect someone to understand?
Trā Feb 2016
Black girl roots.
Black girl magic, stemming from their black girl roots.
From their magical skin, full lips and hips, beautiful roots of their hair
Is the genetic anatomy of a black female that incomprehensible?
Full lips on display lined with collagen filled comments,
the peanut gallery of social media filled with distasteful outrage by the same things they inject to achieve yet,
riots on social media streets over the distasteful cultural misappropriation of all that is black yet,
It's distasteful to live somewhere, to live here, beautiful islands bathed in sun and filled with black people that aren't even conscious of their background...that aren't conscious of their 'blackness'.
To be so ashamed of their blackness. Their very roots.

Ashamed of their roots.  What a time to be ignorant Trevor.
Black History Month is now, yet there’s a rampage to eradicate the very aesthetics of blackness rather than appreciate them.
Dear colonialized principal of C.R. Walker High School, quit.
Dr. Claudius Roland Walker, the school’s namesake, built a hotel for blacks who were being discriminated against and
I imagine he would build a coffin for your revulsion of all things black,  
We’ve moved past your self-hate and the disdain you have for your very roots.
Black hair is beautiful and can never be unkempt. Let me say that again.
Black hair is beautiful and can never be unkempt.
Black hair is a statement that you and nobody that inhabits
this dying planet has the authority to deem untidy or inappropriate.
It took our ancestors far too long to comb through fields of complications
the root being wearing their natural hair and through natural hair movements
to have some nescient minded leader deem it disheveled.
Our roots have permitted our black skin magic, we absorb the rays of the sun,
magicians, and for my final trick, watch my skin glow like gold
dripping like wet paint onto a canvas of unfinished art
left behind by our old souls.

Oh my black people,
a juxtaposition of media sensationalism led by governmental lies, descendents of slave owners insisting that our black hair is something to be ashamed of,
it seems we have our heads so far up our own *****
we're getting too used to the essence of sh-t.
Then the chant goes up, the battle cry,
"This isn't the United States, there's no misogyny, there's no racism, there's no-"
Shut-up.
"Are you angry?"
No, I'm black and I'm angry!

Our mindsets rooted in the prevalence of self hatred, leaves of mighty oaks desperate to remove themselves from their very roots,
requesting emancipation from the very ones that have us enslaved,
begging to be cut loose from the European hand
consciously and subconsciously unshackling the left as we tie the right.
but where are you going?
When has a plant ever survived without its roots?
How dare we neglect the nutrients our ancestors left behind and chase the suicidal pesticide made to eradicate our total being?

Dear god if you're listening, as the cry of former sages went up I also cry,
emancipate yourselves from mental slavery and take me back to my golden home,
where I belong.
Take me back to the very roots I am taught to be ashamed of,
so that I may feel the energy of what once was.
Take me back so that I may cultivate my roots. Take me back so that I may live to tell the truth.
Just take me back.
My people deserve the truth as I find them in the lie,
smearing the proverbial “creamy crack” on hair and skin,
My people deserve more than a painted picture of Cesare Borgia Son Of Alexander Pope 6 as Jesus.
My people deserve to know that Jesus was black and that the Catholics were snakes in the grass abusing their power during their time of reign. Uh oh, the snaps got quiet.
Oh but my people deserve to know that perceived infallible Bible they see today has been edited and destroyed to hide the secrets. Why?
When mama and grammy worship pictures of “Jesus”, why wouldn’t white be right?
Jesus in the pictures mama, he’s a white man, he has straight hair, he’s the savior,
aren’t we supposed to be just like him?  
but
Little black girl with your, black girl magic and your,
magical skin, full lips and hips, beautiful roots of your hair
your crown, your skin, is beautiful. Your roots are strong.
Got excellent help from a friend named Gail on this piece.
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