i hate you for not liking me
for the way that you ignore me
subconsciously, i know i'm beat
you gaslight me so subtly

just know that i have had enough
you hit my limit, and i changed
i'm much too tough, like jerky in
the hands of teething babies

whatever is whatever
do you sense the carelessness?

honestly,
i feel powerless
like a meteorologist
who mispredicts
and makes a wish
to change the weather
to fix his predicament

he can't deal with it,
but i am different
i don't run away
from how i feel

acceptance of rejection's
my best option

i think you
think i'm rotten

i understand, and
i think that's valid
my mind deteriorates
like week-old salad

but give it some time
even if, right now,
you see no reason
to trust me

you'll come to find
that i'm an alright guy

just know that i
can feel the vibes

whatever is whatever
that, i won't deny

but, still, i want to
feel some pleasure

it's ironic how cathartic
being honest is

it's kind of nice
to say whatever's
on my mind

i guess the pleasure's mine,
but whatever is whatever,
so either way is fine

you treat me like a
red-headed stepchild

we never connected
with an umbilical cord
but, still, you managed
to cut ties

you're toxicity
is bad for me

goodbye

goodbye

goodbye

it's sad that you'll see me later
probably in no time
i have no follow through
i'm not resolute
but whatever is whatever
that, i won't deny

I still can’t see myself in the mirror.

I am afraid that when I look at my reflection,
I wouldn’t bear seeing what I’ve become.
My eyes would still carry the same weight they did so many years ago.
Physically growth is evident,
most of my wounds had scarred,
my hair grew a couple inches.

I am most afraid of what I see beyond the surface.
I mean the most minute and insignificant details that shape who I am hidden to be.
I lack the “shine” in my eyes.
The slump in my shoulders from the heavy burden I’ve carried through life.

The mirror is my most intimate friend,
and that scares me even more.
It’s seen my most vulnerable moments.
Moments that my own mind tries to erase through sleepless nights,
yet when I see mirror
it all floods back like a hurricane I wasn’t warned of.

When I look in the mirror I see myself from my perspective,
and I drown in my self hatred.
I have to face myself,
someone I despise so much.
To the point it almost physically aches.

I can’t look at myself because in me I see her,
a girl I once was… I once knew.
Would she have ever forgiven me?
For what I turned out to be.
I want to know how she did it,
I used to think growth brought healing yet honestly I envy her more than I think she’d envy me.
How did she manage to deal with it?
And why did I loose that?
Where did it all go to hell?

“I’m sorry”
Is all I’m able to say.

I look back up at the mirror.
I still hate it,
can’t stand it.
I don’t think I’ll ever come to terms with the person I turned out to be.

I want you to know
Why I don't call home

I wish I could express
But you'd rather I digest

You'll stop me every time
From saying what's on my mind

The worst part of that
You're happy with the fact

"No need to explain,
Just eat this cellophane!"

The silence on my end
The concert you regularly attend

The sweet sound of gone
Born from the shame you brought on

On purpose, by choice
You hate to hear my voice

You reject the things I say
You rather I decay  

Didn't matter if they were true
When your perceptions skewed

No love lost
Nothing grows in frost

"Faster, faster, faster!
Die! Die! Die!  

Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Don't look me in the eye!"

You suffocated me in time
Just so you could live your life
Without remaining in mine
Hoping
This time I won't survive.