Tiny, small, sad, and meek
I haven’t eaten in a week
Afraid I’ll gain another pound
Why can’t I just ******* drown?
Fat, fat, fat is all I see
This is the 5th time today that I can’t ******* breathe
Can’t stand to gain more weight
For I’m already too heavy at one hundred and eight.

the pain.

she envied the movie star like glistening smile.

she wanted to be like the girls who were carefree.

she wanted to be beautiful.

but beautiful to her was thin.

it started when someone called her fat.

"am I?" she wondered.

so she starved herself, maybe eating a ******* or two after mama told her.

but she spit them back up because she couldn't help it.

she wanted to be like the pretty school cheerleaders.

and she hated herself.

each time she stepped on the scale she cried.

the numbers soon went from 88 to 89

"im doing it wrong" she thought.

and she continued on going day by day with water.

swallowing and spitting back up.

eating more and more.

and spitting it back up.

she was slowly going insane, day by day.

she started slicing her wrists like meat.

she started crying herself to sleep.

she became empty of adrenaline.

she didn't want to wake up anymore.

i guess you could say that

pain, is an understatement.

I read a vogue magazine once

I wanted to be more mature
I wanted to be a child again

I was bored of how I looked

I was called 'fat' once

I needed more control over myself
I needed someone to look after me

I wanted to deny myself a basic human need

I was in so much pain that I needed more

I lost weight and I couldn't stop
I found something I was good at

I ran out of ways to destroy myself

Recovery
A long road
Tough, but
Worth traveling.
Even the worst days in recovery are better than the best days encompassed in an eating disorder.

I wanted bones.
I wanted stick thin wrists and jutting shoulder blades.
I wanted ribcage ladders leading to a faltering heart.

I wanted to die-
But I called it something else.
I called it perfect body.

I called it finally confident,
I called it happy and
They called it sick.

I challenged them with "willpower"
and they threw back "nine months to live if you keep this up."

She walks on velvet, swaying hips
Flashes a grin, the poise she keeps
And for her query:
     What makes you happy?
She waves her hand ever gently.

She walks in skin and bones collapsing
Flashes a grin, but near to fainting
With this she answers:
     Loose clothes and shivers
She eats her dinner in reverse.

Blood is her carpet, blades are her sash
She keeps on walking - feline
Fits the crown of purging - rash
'Til she gets to be the beauty queen.

I'm trying to look at the mirror without judging what I see in my reflection.

I try to tell myself that despite the fact that my face is littered in acne and the scars from old breakouts, that my flaws only make me human.

I try to tell myself that despite the fact my hair strays in every direction that it really is a crown.

I try to tell myself that despite the fact I weigh more than I would like that Sierra DeMulder was right when she said "my body is the house I grew up in, how dare I try to burn it to the ground."

I wake up every morning look in the mirror and I try to tell myself that despite the fact that I hate what I see, mirrors are just glass and I am more than that.

I try to tell myself that despite the fact I am a mere one size away from being plus sized, the fact that my BMI says I'm overweight, the fact that the numbers on the scale are my worst enemy, that there are no numbers in the dictionary definition of worth.

I keep telling myself that I can change, that I will change despite the fact it seems like nothing will ever be different.

I try telling myself that tomorrow will be better despite the fact it almost never is. But I keep trying because eventually one of these tomorrows has to be better.

It's simple, simple simplicity
You can't regurgitate
What you don't eat.