Our mutual friend convinced me to spill my secrets to him. I had been holding back the truth because it seemed that every time I let its sour taste roll off my lips, I was once again left alone. But my therapist says I need to open up to people, to get rid of these “surface relationships”. So, for once in my life, I took the doctor’s orders.
I wasn’t planning for it to happen this way though. My mom dropped me off at his house and I opened the door to deafening Joy Division; (not that I minded but) I was taken by surprise. It went as usual to start, danced to some music and shared some cigarettes. Then we get talking about our writing, how blunt and honest mine is and how cryptic and nonsensical his is. So I read him my most recent words; he found them amusing but began asking questions. I answered as non-descriptively as possible. But then we began talking about the horrors he’s seen. He told me that he didn’t know if he could see more skeletons and blood. But I told him about mine anyway.
We moved to the porch so he could have his cigarettes. And I began to let my guard down. I told him about my ****** past and gory thoughts. I told him, with hesitation, that I was trying so hard but it’s a cycle. And finally, I stutteringly told him about my obsession with perfection. He knew I wasn’t normal but he didn’t know I forced myself to expel calories. He seemed un-phased and unimpressed. There was a brief silence before he said “What do you want from me?” What did I want?  I thought all I wanted was to tell him the truth and let him in but he had me second guessing. I did my best to answer the question how I thought he wanted.
He went on to tell me his drugs could help. I was already filled with prescribed and un-prescribed chemicals, but now he wanted me to add to the toxic brew flooding my veins. “I think dropping some good acid with some good people could change your perspective on things”. No ****. It would completely boil the poison that was already within me. I began to feel anger swell inside me, how could he suggest something so stupid? What have I gotten myself into? I respectfully declined his offer and did my best to pretend he never said that.
When suddenly he sat down, looked me in the eyes (mine quickly shifted from his) and said “Ask me about David”. David? What did he have to do with any of this? What kind of reverse psychology ******* was he trying to pull? I complied and began to ask about the day’s events and about David as a person. But apparently these weren’t the right questions.
Eventually he drove me home. I hopped out of the car and so did he. (That’s a first.) As we hugged goodbye, I knew what was coming. I went to pull away but he pulled me closer. That’s when I was positive I was about to hear it. He gently let go and said,
“Lizzy, I think we have to take some time apart.”
“Why?”
“I just can’t do this right now.”
I pulled away from his hand and turned to walk inside before I punched him right in his oddly prominent jaw. Right before I opened the door I turned back to him one last time. His eyes looked sad and seemed to say “I’m sorry”. While I’m pretty sure mine said “*******.”
My hypothesis was confirmed. No one wants to hear the sob story. No one wants to be around the freak. I’m starting to think I really am better off with “surface relationships”.

A boyfriend and a goal
The fuel to my eating disorder.
Just 5 pounds.
No dessert tonight
Just 4 pounds.
No dessert tonight
Half a sandwich for lunch
Just 3 pounds.
No dessert tonight
Half a sandwich for lunch
Only a salad for dinner
Just 2 pounds.
No dessert tonight
Half a sandwich for lunch
Only a salad for dinner
I'll go for a run
Just 1 pound.
No dessert tonight
Half a sandwich for lunch
Only a salad for dinner
I'll go for a run
No breakfast tomorrow
Just **5 more pounds...

To everyone who called me fat,
You are why I'm doing this
Starving myself to bones.

To everyone who called me a ****,
You are why I'm doing this
Throwing myself at guys.

To everyone who called me ugly,
You are why I'm doing this
Spending hours getting ready in the morning.

To everyone who hurt me,
You are why I'm doing this
Why I don't trust, or even get touched.

To everyone who used me,
You are why I'm doing this
Why I have long sleeves covering the cuts, which represents the pain.

To everyone who loved me,
Too much to use cruel words
You are the reason I'm still alive.

I am surrounded by voices-
my loved ones, my demons,
my own rational thoughts.
They swell and ebb like the tide,

A perfect chaos which drives me on,
drives me forward or drives me mad,
echoing in the chasms of my mind
like the voices in the dark night.

The things I know to be true,
to be real and honest and fair,
my anchors, my ports in the storm,
the stubborn rope which ties me
to a mortal coil I've so often tried to escape.

They are undermined by that call,
that desire, the siren song which
drags me back to the blackness,
which promises that numbess is better,
less painful, less terrifying than living.

All my life I've heard the call,
denied its lure or thrown myself,
desperate and thoughtless,
into its depths.

I ignored the destruction I wraught
in its name, the quiet lipped,
cold eyed terror of those around me,
the frantic trembling of my own soul.

The slow death of the drowned.

Sirens do not starve or bleed or die,
gasping for air and choking down screams,
cold water closes over their heads,
freezes their bones and invades their lungs.

I am no siren. I am warm blood
and flesh annd love and passion.
I will not dampen my fire for fear
of what it may release any longer.

I will not drift, forgotten, along the sea bed.

You left me because I was depressed

2. I was destroyed and lot worse,
you loved me unconditionally.

3. I remember our Skype calls, I remember your smile.
and how I’d fall asleep in front of you with one eye open to see if you were looking.

4. You noticed, you also noticed the cuts on my skin.
You looked at me with a half smile and told me you loved me.

5. I loved you too, I’d also like the way when we held hands you’d move your thumb around in circles like you were reminding me that I was yours.

6. You were my best friend, I’d tell you so many stories and you would just listen, you would make me smile.

7. I remember your laugh, I’d look at you like there were galaxies in my chest and one day they hurt.

8. You were like drugs that took awhile until the bad effects came.

9. like cigarettes. You hated that I’d smoke but you would still kiss me regardless.

10. The short term effects include struggling to breath.
Funny, because I choked on your existence.

11. You loved to cuddle me, you kept me close.

12. but you said I was too close, Im sorry that you were addicting.
Im sorry for wanting more.

13. You were the one to draw me in…

14. You realised I was toxic and started breathing different fumes

15. We no longer speak and our memories mean nothing to you.

Mommy told me about her dream
I looked like a skeleton
And she was begging me to eat

Shrink yourself
Oh she's fading away
Hold her bones together
As the movies play

When a diet becomes an addiction
I felt myself give in
My mind was hooked on these
Skinny thoughts

Bones dance in my dreams
And I couldn't be shaken awake
Yes I'll be skinny like the others
Beautiful like I want

But there's nothing beautiful
About your hair falling out
And passing out and hitting your head
And freezing in the summer
And constantly falling asleep

There's nothing cute about
***** in your hair
And on your clothes
****** noses
And aching bones

Nothing glamorous behind that bathroom door
Just a stupid girl
With her head stuck half way down the pipes