not emotions
but my body freezing and falling asleep
once again I found out last
once again I feel left out
it doesn't even hurt
it doesn't bring me sadness
it just exist
and my body reacts to it
but my brain shuts down
my emotions turn off
it's like I'm away from my body as it's not feeling anything

These puppet string are held by me,
I’d say I’ve lost my grip,
this autopilot hand-fidget has really gone to ****.

I don’t feel the same anymore,
nothing bubbles in my chest,
but who’s to say I cannot feel
if its only feeling is in my head?

Hello, how are you?
I’m doing simple math,
The strings aren’t taut and funny how
every movement is an act.

The doll’s alive, and she does dance
but watch at your discretion,
because if you knew her once before
she isn’t the same person.

Sometimes, I'm walking with Jinns in my head;
I hear clear things that haven't even been said,
I see ideas that yet nobody has had.


Sometimes, I'm walking with Jinns in my head;
I bear the colour before people see it as red,
I feel by what people have been led.


Sometimes, I'm walking with Jinns in my head;
I steer my steps as the thoughts have me led,
I peer the ways that they said.


Sometimes, I'm walking with Jinns in my head;
Sometimes, I feel they have made me grad,
Sometimes, I fear they make me bad.


Sometimes, I'm walking with Jinns in my head;
For understanding, sometimes, I'm so glad,
But sometimes, I'm just sad and mad.

I seem to always be in a constant state of fight or flight.
The worst part is that there's no one to fight,
and nowhere to fly to,
because the enemy is Me.
My own thoughts, my demons, they cling to me.
They've
     embedded
        themselves
                   into
                       me
like parasites.
Feeding off of my soul,
day in and day out until I am nothing but a husk.
The only way to escape the torment even for a moment
is to
    cleave
          my
             mind
from the present,
to float somewhere between this reality
and the one that the devil on my shoulder
tries to convince me is true.

But there's always still a part of me that holds on down below, in the present, in the real world, so that I can reel myself back in again. So I don't completely drift away like a kite slipping through a child's grasp on a windy day. Drifting on an updraft, whirling and twirling upwards and into the clouds..

    Hell...

       Maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

            Maybe next time,
I'll just let go of the string.

There comes a time
Where you wake up
And see
Whats reality
And whats a dream
And you feel The Glass Wall
Beneath your fingertips
Completely surrounded
Divided,
Helpless,
Unguided.
Searching for a way out,
a crack in the wall.
But Darling,
The Glass Wall
Only lies within yourself

n.b