And at last he prayed,
Prayed since all hope had perished,
All virtues faded and all sentiments gone.
Down the river he now floats, cursed with angst and pain.
He mourns his loss but his grief won't go away, for this is the consequence —
The consequence of action he so inadvertently did without a second of thought.
Oh, the lives he ruined, the chaos he brought.
Denial is the river, and denial is what he sought.

In denial he drowned,
And in denial he remained.

-Asher Graves

I knew this early on
But
I put it in a box
I wrapped it
taped it up
Put it as far away as I could
in the back of my mind
I hid this massive box away
under some smaller ones that I was saving for another day

After some time
Eventually
I starting opening the boxes
Began to process what was inside
It came time to look in this specific box
The one that I hid so distantly
As I opened the package
Feelings came jumping out
They came so fast
Worry
Dread
Sadness
and fear

The reality began to dawn on me
I had let him down
I hurt everyone by hiding this package so far away
I didn't want to see
Or remember
Something had began
And I desperately wanted it to just go away
It wouldn't
It won't

Disease only worsens with time
With no one to push him
To show him he's loved
He didn't see the point of trying to get help
I left the box for weeks
That time is endless when you feel so alone
He'd put it behind him
Ready to let time take it's course
I told him I wouldn't bring it up
That it wasn't anyone's business but his own
I told him it was his life
He could do what he chose
I tied it up and threw it in a ******* pile
For days
For weeks

Now I'm awakened
I see this so clearly
I shouldn't have said it wasn't my place
I was selfish and misguided
I let him believe it was fine to ignore this
I let it sit
Let it fester
I didn't show him what his life meant to me
I didn't show him how much I care
I love him so much
Forever
and always
But what is forever when time is passing before your eyes

I sit
I cry
And cry
I can't make up for this time
Where he didn't see my love
I didn't show him the true meaning of the word

Now we'll address it
See what we can do
How bad is it?
What are the options?

My tears are shed
Day after day
Realizing what I've done is hard to bear
Leaving it so long
Not trying until now
I cry
And I cry
And I cry some more

This one thing
This thing I chose to ignore
Unforgivable
Life changing
His life
His future
Our future

Each box I had put out of reach
Even the ones way in the back
Every box was a gift
Something so precious in each
This was the biggest one of all
It wasn't only a gift.
It was
It is
Life.

For now.

its lights are on
glowing dimly
like an abandoned parking lot

the concrete
dappled with
cigarettes
pebbles
people
stones
cigarettes

the sign still says they're open
we all know they're closed
they just don't want to tell us yet

If you live for their acceptance, you'll die by their rejection
I embody the poison in the elixir of my fruit
Enthralled with thoughts, habits, expressions of thine self

Adoration for passion infects me with your selection
Your concoction soaked the tree of my root
If you live for their acceptance, you'll die by their rejection

Sought by the bread of affliction
I'm concrete in my own pursuit
Enthralled with thoughts, habits, expressions of thine self

Infatuation fueled my permission
A fire of conviction, enticed by a bite of a core once rebuked
If you live for their acceptance, you'll die by their rejection

Idle in submission
Innocence lies on the bed of my tongue to taste its fruit
Enthralled with thoughts, habits, expressions of thine self

Caught beneath the lukewarm embrace of sweet lies within inner disputes
Agony dresses my soul as it peels off its linen in its pursuit
If you live for their acceptance, you'll die by their rejection
Enthralled with thoughts, habits, expressions of thine self

We saw each other more often
frequent as the primes in 1 to 10
Mending each other’s boredom
widening our degrees of freedom

Ranted on things under the sun
Noted our signs, roots, and sum
We took turns airing problems
Shared proofs for peer checking

Did sanity check on our numbers
Whether in life, music, or games
Exchanged secrets and dreams
Reciprocated emojis and DMs

In the end, we skipped one thing
An asymptote we avoid touching
Assumed “us” was undefined
Then met our limits and resigned

take
a cigarette
and smother it
in earth, let it witness
the ground.
cover
it up so it
is never
found.

And how will i feel when you leave in three months
Perhaps to another town, state, country even
I wouldn’t know
We never talk

Its sad that ive wasted the last two years
Right next to you
But blind

Its sad that it was only a couple weeks ago
When i first saw
When i saw you walk down the hall
And thought to myself
Oh my

And its sad that i will go my whole life without ever talking to you
Without ever getting to know
Whats behind that guarded smile
Or that instagram profile

Perhaps we’ll meet a decade from now
You will see me
And you will think to yourself
Oh my

And i will finally get to know
You

Peter, your ghost doesn't linger
Not as much anymore, you've got others to adore
And I searched for you again for a while
Almost forgot, you left me at the Nile

In the dark pit of my past life denial
I swore it felt like I was under trial
Made me feel I knew darkness before you
But I knew it all because of you.

And in the memory you don't recall
I know I was left behind and you did nothing at all
Just as it used to be
And just as you showed yourself to me.

And maybe I'm reaching for the unseen
But you showed me what you mean
In the dark pit of my faded memories
It triggered my miseries.

And I won't admit to a thing
Like the writers who let lamps burn
I thought of you in secret and then in his bed I would turn
I did blame myself for it all

And I still curse and ***** as I dig my own pitfall
When it's all set and done
Their bones will rot and I'll watch myself return
To do it all in the name of the fire I swore to watch burn.