here i sit
watching
watching you make new friends
whether or not they're good for you
i sit here watching you make one bad decision after another
but i don't say much in fear of upsetting you
in fear of drifting farther away from you
in fear of you going off and informing people of my worrying
here i sit
watching you tell people things that weren't yours to tell
watching you drift farther away from your innocence
farther away from your true relationships
farther away from me
here i sit
while you yell at me
while you tell me to not worry
while you tell me you "love me"
while you tell me that you will be okay
while you cry to me
while you vent to me
while you tell me you don't care
while you laugh at me for caring
while you tell me you hate him
but then tell me you miss him
while you tell me that i need to care once i say im done caring
here i sit
crying
crying because of how much pain this is causing me
crying because i can't do anything
crying because you are fine with this
crying because you are fine with them
crying because im tired of feeling this way
crying because what happened to always?
what happened to
ill never leave you
ill always love you
i would never do that
just one more
trust me
i would never lie to you
im sorry
i should've listened to you
you're my only true best friend
you're my person
here i sit
exhausted from the mental pain
being forced into feeling numb because im tired of feeling
missing what we had
what we should've still had now
what you tell me we still have
...
but we both know that we don't

im scared
im scared that one day our long embraces will evolve to just a faint smile
im scared that one day we will merely wave when we see each other
im scared that one day we wont even wave
we might just glance at each other
not so long ago, we spent every waking minute together
not so long ago, i laid in your bed and laughed all night with you
not so long ago, we dreaded for the time i had to go home
not so long ago, we told everything to each other
not so long ago, we always had something to talk about
not so long ago, we would go on long walks just because
not so long ago, we would sneak off at 2 AM to watch the stars
not so long ago, we laid on my shed roof in the middle of the night
just to watch the sky and talk
not so long ago, we laid on your kitchen floor rolling in laughter
not so long ago, we cried in each others arms
not so long ago, we composed hilarious songs in your room just to belt them out so that your dad would hear how dumb we were
not so long ago, we laid together and watched the fault in our stars
not so long ago we say
but it seems so long ago
it seems like a distant memory

ughh i miss you
these are the last words i messaged you
what i wanted to say was
i miss how you used to be
i meant to say
i miss how we were
i meant to say
i miss how much you used to care
i wanted to say
i miss the old you
because i do
but she's long gone
i miss her

The moment I saw you
we became partners
Spending time everyday with you
making us even more better pranksters
The galaxy of memories I shared with you
are always unaccountable
And the moments I spend with you
are always unforgettable

But I never thought that day would day come
when I've to say goodbye to you
Then, indeed that day once came
when you left me without your trace.....
missing you so much

I was under the impression that even with this crippling depression I could count on the thought of you to keep me from my regression into the pain that is felt when you are absent
I was wrong.

 I just wanted to hold you in my arms, I was so scared of letting go, I watched as you walk away, leaving me to my thoughts alone
Thinking I'm not good enough.

These thoughts, a Tsunami, its destruction attempting to tear apart my life, taunts and seeks control over me. But I, desperately waiting for you, resist them.

I have been searching for what I could say that would bring you to love me again. I try to call out to you begging for an answer begging for you to come back.

But I know you won't. the nature of the comfort you sought has brought you into another's heart

But I need you!
I need you to tell me!
I need to know why!
Why I wasn't enough?!?
Why did you leave!?!?
come back....
 please....

Be the one who accepts me.....
Just like you promised.....