My life expectancy is 27

I will be 23 in April and with March approaching fast all i want to do is

stop

We make up 1% of the world population.
approximately 77 million of us among the 7.7 billion

We make up 10% of the worlds sucde rates.
approximately 80,000 out of 800,000 cases per year

I am also a woman meaning i am 3x more likely in general to attempt.

I was never supposed to make it past 11 and now i'm pushing for 27

no

i'm pushing for tomorrow because 27 is much farther away and its much more realistic to make it to tomorrow than to make it to 27.

You're
Up
And
Down
You spin me around

Hot, hot, hot!
Cold, cold, cold.
Its all so dark but I try to make everything bright
But
I never quite feel right

Pills, pills, pills,
These little dots make me feel
Balanced
Safe
Take away my shakes

I never needed the help till you
Now Im stuck forever
Looking down an orange tube
Praying the days will be better

Wishing for someone who will love me better

when i'm around you i'm
louder
awkward
weird
i try to get your attention but you never notice me
but you never notice

when i'm around you
i feel invisible
i feel like i don't exist
like i'm no one
like i'm dead

I hate you
I hate that I love you
I hate that I would do anything for you
I hate that you don't care that I left you
I hate that you don't miss me as I miss you
I hate that you make me feel that I can never be loved
I hate that you have so much power over me
I hate that I'm the one who left you but I'm the one dying
I hate that you knew how much power you held over me
I hate that you don't want me
I hate that I love the way you make me feel even though you hate me

i am shattering like glass
as everything around me slips away
reality fragmenting, i reach to grab shards
sharp enough to slit my own wrists

i return to tendencies of self destruction
like returning to an abusive ex
because even when things are bad
there is comfort in the familiarity pain.

— dis(comfort)

i have a heart
i can feel it

i tend to never feed it.
like this body i neglect,
also the heart inside its chest.

i  hope one day i will wake
& give a **** for goodness' sake.