i already miss flying
high above myself,
unaware of every ****
i should be giving.

i plant flowers in my
wounds instead,
fully aware—I feel them
grow from me
& bloom.

painful, beautiful.

and so powerful.

I used to find power in
deflecting
neglecting
rejecting &
subjecting myself.

healing is hurting.
healing is hurting.

hurt people hurt people.
but healed people heal people.
and maybe sometimes they’re the same person.

You’ll never know what’s going on inside my brain
I’m not that girl anymore
Who writes poems from the inside to match new scars on the outside
And you’re lucky
You’ll never wake up to a new post about my ****-ups
Or get a call begging you to stop them from happening
I’m not that girl anymore
I wasted that on the wrong person
I gave up
And you’re lucky

It’s a mask to put over my head.
It’s the alcohol consumed to numb the mind.
It’s acting as if I’m okay because nobody cares.
Letting go of everything that I need to keep me going is gone,
Everything I did for myself slipped down the drain.
I worked so hard.
I fought for so long.
I tried for everything.

Why am I still the let down,
Even when I communicate.

I didn't realize that I had missed the rabbits so
til I nearly stumbled over one in the dark and dew

impossibly still and also bounding with movement, vibrating
a tenacious anxiety reflected back to me in more than one
lost, drunken, exasperated moment
memories inevitably left in backseats and waterlogged journals
the thorny irony of holding fervently what this life means to me
and for me
knowing I've forgotten nearly most of it
to trauma
and to time

why would I tuck away the times I've made myself the image of my parents?
why cherish and return to the slur of dysfunction and imbalance
why build myself on the moments I broke upon

each falter is palmed inside me
slick and pressed with dust
the life of every love and bond
I can't release
for fear that I will sink into the sky
for fear that I've only ever been a reflection
is it empathy? maybe it's a pervasive fear of abandonment
as you cannot leave me if you need me
as you cannot fear me if you trust me
as you cannot without me
and I, you

You don’t hate me
But of course you don’t
I didn’t blame you for your intrusive thoughts
I didn’t rip your innocence out of your hands
I didn’t claim your issues were personal attacks on me
I didn’t invalidate your experience
You have no reason to hate me

I am the one left with hate when all I wanted was to love
The pain, distress, confusion all rolled into one
No other way to express my emotions
I’ve become a shell of who I used to be
I’ve become a fraction of a human being
It’s the hate that fuels me
To be better than us, better than you

I offered you everything and you tore it apart like you’d never been loved before
You left me with nothing to give so I could never be loved again

I desperately don’t want to live in the past, but I’m equally terrified of my future.