Ah shiny approval,

Warm and soothing on the skin,

Absorbed like a lizard,

When one is hypervigilant.

fear
panic
danger
get out.

heart racing,
can't catch my breath,
hand rubbing against my thigh repeatedly,
pulling my knees up to my chest and holding my body so tight, it hurts,
i can't think logically, only fear and loss of control ensues.
my own thoughts tear me apart and scare me.

the only real danger is in my thoughts,
so how do i get out?

Night thoughts
Swimming
Humming sounds
Wounds
Uproar
Mingling mingling
Up and down
Float

Through seas
Through words
Through nice things
Colored pictures

Paint
Higher up
Higher than that
Keep painting

Uproar
Over it
Over the noises
Over the voices

Fade into it
Over the noises
Over the voices
Under the sounds  
Fade

Into it
Now
sleep

How do I tell myself:
That quitting is not an option
That ending my life will not solve problems
That I am not burden
That my mind tells me lies
That I am worth it.

I don’t know, but I’m trying.

i have butterflies
every single one unique in its own way
beautiful delicate wings
with intricate patterns and a variety of colors

each individually carved from stone
by the anxious claws that embed themselves into my skin

i focus on those butterflies
if only to distract me
from my thoughts in my head
from my tingling fingers turning numb
from my pounding heart
and from the air that is no longer in my lungs

i focus on those butterflies
on the way their rough wings scrape along the inside of my stomach
their screams from being crushed by those sharpened claws
and the heavy
sickening feeling
they leave behind

I have a question for you
Plucked from the day we met.
I have pondered asking for a while
And still I haven't yet.

Especially with important matters
Or ones dealing with certain subjects.
But as I sit here wondering, waiting,
I think I may be ready for what comes next.

As we talked about chess,
Poetry, movies, and songs,
Random facts, and paradoxes
All these evenings long,

I sat thinking still...
Gazing thoroughly upon
The face you wear
And the smile you had on.

As you may be able to see,
I can often tend to be
Incapable of stammering out
The words I desperately want to shout

I get that I don't know you well,
But I feel I may want to..
As long as it works with you...
And maybe if you too...
Could possibly like to do...
If only I already knew...

Would you like a coffee with me soon?

You anxiously anticipate evening restlessness
feeling the pain of resilience deep in your bones
but dying fires from the sunset sky cool your eyes
and a horizon line is sewn into your heart
where blazing sunset colours go to rest
after evening blues wash the sky
and leave behind droplets of stars
you fall asleep - dreaming of hope