Almost..
So close..

Firewalk..
Burnt feet..

World record..
Malfunctioning machine..

The best of the best..
Got disconnected..

Beautiful poems..
Looked on over..

Singing songs..
Kicked out of the band..

Publish soon..
10,000 dollars short..

Fastest runner..
Sprained ankle..

Singing voice..
Everyone hates my songs..

Storyteller..
Afraid to share stories..

Almost..
So close..

I almost needed you

I almost dialed your phone number in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep and I’m in tears and my heart is in pain and I needed to hear your voice just to make it alright

I almost broke down when you said you couldn’t come to meet me the next day and I almost told you how much it made me down and I almost begged you to come because I needed to see you because I can already feel the ache of needing your comfort in my bones because I’m scared

I almost hugged you when the thing I was so afraid of finally happened
I almost held your hand when I didn’t know what to do anymore
I almost touched you, I almost showed you my tears, I almost showed you that I’m in pain, I almost showed you that I was scared and I don’t know what to do anymore

I almost showed you how much of a mess I was

I almost showed you that I was crying but I hid my face on your shoulder and when I realized that it makes me ache for your comfort more, I stood up and skipped away like my tears weren’t falling, my heart wasn’t shattering

And when I came back and when you tilted my head up and asked me if cried, I almost told you the truth. I almost broke down and screamed that I needed you. I almost told you my greatest fear. I almost told you that I felt so weak, that I need you so badly to hold me. I almost told you that I’m already breaking and I need you to hug me. I almost told you that I needed your comfort and I needed you to tell me that I’m not who I think I am. That I am worth it, that I am not a failure, that I did my best and everything’s going to be okay. I almost told you that I was so scared. I almost cried in front of you. I almost let myself shatter in front of you.

I almost needed you.

But I’m glad I didn’t.

Because I made it. I made it up until today. And if I didn’t hold myself back, I might haven’t realized that I can be strong.

That I am strong.

there is a special place
hidden in the space
between
your fingers
and the stars
you couldn't
catch

Tomorrow,
I leave
and dear
I'm afraid
that you
won't
miss me

Cause I
know I'll
think of
your guitar,
your hands
my hands
your laugh,
and dance

Cause I
know I'll
listen to
your music
when I'm
homesick
or else try
to remember
your eyes,
your words

But will you
miss my piano,
my hands
your hands
my laugh,
my car
will you phone me
just to hear
my voice again

Will we even
Say goodbye

Do we have to

Or have we
already

I've been told to write what I feel
But what I feel about you is everything I hate about myself
I used to remember your words with fondness reading them off like love letters as if this was a Jane Austin novel
And now my stomach churns at the thought of you ever speaking to me again
Your silence struck me far more than words ever could and I'm terrified by this thought
So I close my ears to the incoming noise and pick a god to pray to
Because unlike you it doesn't matter if they wake up and decide I'm not worth any more of their time
They're not real but you didn't feel real either
We connected over four hours of traffic and wavelengths
Throughout our lives we seemed destined to cross but never touch
Just two parallel lines running alongside one another
And one of us tried desperately to travel a different path
Leading them to where they ought not go
Yet fate is fragile
It doesn't bend to yearning and wishful thinking

Sir you see, somehow my insides,
They will never be enough for me.

i came too early that day. i remember that the room was still empty. you could even hear a footstep from the highest seat.

i didn't have anything to do so i sat on our supposed to be seat. it was not very high. we were on the middle seat. i was comfortable in that position anyway.

people came one by one, with their couple, their mother, their whole family. yet i was there all alone waiting for a man that promised to come before the show start.

you were right though. when the lights go out i could see you walking towards me holding a bucket of popcorn. at that point, i was 100% sure that the movie will not be as creepy as it should be (we watched horror movie back then, even though we both were chickens who couldn't watch no horror stuffs)  

the movie started, our selfes were half focused on the screen. the other is focused on our own mental. reminding it to not to go nuts when **** happens. we didn't talk much that time. we didn't even have the courage to eat the popcorn you bought.

sigh, this was the saddest part. you shouldn't have held my hand that tight. and i shouldn't have pulled your jacket so rough. wish we weren't watching horror movie so that wouldn't happened. i was indeed afraid of letting you go. but i did it anyway since i was a strong rebel, and end up regretting it now.

but anyway, thank you.

all that left now is emotion. painful feelings that cover my entire body every time i go to the theatre. it somehow attacks every inch of me, my senses are full of turbulances and trembeled affection.

hello again, and i'm sorry.
sorry for reminding you,
about how your hands,
felt like the world.

perhaps our love were only made for movie screen, and a piece of this pointless handwriting.

Sincerely,
your ex-almost lover.

I am a person of almost and kind of.
I am a shadow of what I was
Hidden in the darkness of a past
Cast down by the light of the future.
This present of in-betweens
The liminal space in which I exist.
The here and there on the journey ahead.
I am the line between the points
The mystery before the solution
I am the median, the average, the midway
I am incomplete.
Pieces of a whole
unable to form the big picture.
This limbo of emotions
The neutral of positive and negative
Inactive, inert, insufficient.
This heart filled with grey
Longing to see through rose colored lenses
Paint my world with emotion.
Trade the silence for music.
To fit in the missing pieces.
But almost doesn’t offer solutions
And kind of doesn’t capture the horizon.

if a time should come when I know your face no longer
remember us comfortably shirtless, talking and laughing in the car
Leave the resentment to the wind and
let's not speak of heartbreak any longer
just remember our hearts wide open
ready to love, vulnerable
beating together- racing to let go first
running from our emotions
as if time was limited
the world was ours and we let it fall through our fingers
I hope to see you again, comfortably shirtless, talking
But if I don't, tell them of our laughter and poetry
That it felt as if our souls were one
Smile, when they ask about me