I guess this is it.
This is me saying goodbye, after countless days that I’ve been trying to but never seem to actually do it.
It’s quite exhausting actually, to constantly decide whether I should let go of you or not. But I guess this will do. I’ve learned that heartbreaks don’t happen all at once, it happens in small moments and our hearts chip off almost infinitely. And it’s true, these past few days I always find myself at countless forks in the road and I have to make a decision: hold on or let go.
Whenever I smell your scent, I let go of you. Whenever I see a random stranger wearing braces and I’m reminded of your silly smile, I let go of you. Whenever I remember the warmth of your tight hugs, I let go of you. The inevitable and constant struggle to let you go is real – but this will do.
Your cousin actually told me just now that he warned you about this (us) from the start. He told you not to be hasty because you may just be overwhelmed by the feelings you had. I actually have no idea if that bears any truth in them but I hope he’s wrong. I am so sure what we felt wasn’t something “temporary” although it was short-lived. I am so sure it wasn’t a product of something done quickly. I don’t know anymore, to be honest. But I wish to believe him, too, though – so that I’ll no longer have the urge to talk to you. So that I’ll no longer have to pause and convince myself not to click “send” to my Hi. So that I’ll no longer have the urge to check up on you, stalk you on all your social media accounts. So that I’ll just stop.
Hay, I wish it was that easy. I know that it is, but I’m not so sure if this is what I want. See? You made this monster out of me. For as long as I can remember, I was always a woman of my word but right now, I no longer know if I want to stick to my decision to let go. What is it with you? I’m starting to get frustrated because I’ve been in this situation before, and I’ve handled it quite well, actually. But I guess that’s the ugly truth about heartbreaks. No matter how much you think you know about it, no matter how much you’ve prepared – it will catch you off guard. No one in this world knows how to prepare for a potential heartbreak, and I guess that’s both beautiful and scary.
You’re a kid. That’s probably why this didn’t work out. Our emotional maturity levels don’t match and I think your lack of it makes up for how you decided to stop pursuing me. I was ready to risk everything for us – for love, but when we were almost at the finish line, you said, “I can’t do this anymore”. You left me hanging. You of all people did. And that makes you a hypocrite, because you don’t want others to abandon you but you abandoned me.
I guess you’re just going to be another “heartbreak” on my list. Another scar to show off to everyone. Another “Hey, this is the guy I used to love but now he’s just a memory”.
I swear this is the last letter I’m going to write to you. But I know that’s not true.
Well, I guess I’ll continue writing until I no longer have the words and the sentences to make any sense out of this heartbreak.
