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I remember having conversations with you about all the things we would do. Camping, going to the zoo, having a barbecue. I was going to cook for you because you were always eating chicken nuggets while I was cooking myself real meals. I remember when you smiled because I said I wanted to spend all that time with you. I remember when you made me feel like those things might actually happen. I remember when you told me that I was amazing. And that you didn't understand why someone like me would like someone like you. And I remember how you felt when I said that you were being crazy and that I thought you were the most amazing person I've ever known and that if anything you were the one who was too good for me. I remember when I told you that you won my heart but hadn't come to collect the prize. I remember how you said you had two prizes to choose and it was so difficult for you. Not knowing who to pick. Afraid that picking me would be the wrong choice. Time and time again I do so many things that should show you who I am and what I am to you. I try to show you that there’s nothing to fear. But you won’t let me show you. Why? Why won’t you just believe me? Why would I hurt you? I can’t even stand myself when I’m mad at you for a split second. Why would I lie to you? I never lie to anyone, especially not someone who’s so honest to me at all times. Why would I fight with you? The only arguments we have are based off of you not agreeing that you’re beautiful and that you don’t need makeup and that you don’t need to spend so much time on your hair and that you look fantastic regardless of what clothes you’re wearing. Why would I ever let you go for anything? After spending so long fighting for you, I would never stop fighting to keep you. I would never hold you back. I would want you to be happy. Do you want to go somewhere? So do I. Do you want to drive to the middle of nowhere? So do I. Do you want to go out? So do I. Do you want to stay in and relax? So do I. Do you want to hang out with your friends, then go ahead. I can make plans; I have a life of my own. Do you want to be alone? I’ll respect that, like I always have. Why can’t you just go back to the days of holding my hands and getting that glorious feeling? Why can’t you go back to the time when you remembered that feeling you got when I held you. My embrace having something magical that neither of us could explain. Remember all the times we talked and talked and talked and found out we have so much in common. Remember all the days where you wanted to tell me good morning and good night, regardless of if we talked all day. Remember all the times that I put a real smile on your face on the days when you said you wouldn't be okay. All those days I told you that your smile was too pretty to go to waste. I even remember when you first said you hated your smile because your teeth aren't perfectly straight. I told you it didn't matter, because you have such a true happiness in your smile. That gleaming beauty that no one else could ever show, yet you still didn't believe me. Even if you didn't believe me, you still smiled. I remember the place and the time and the day that we talked about how things were going.  I remember you said you couldn't be with me but you wanted me to stay in your life as a friend, so I said I couldn't be anything to you. And I remember you started to cry. And I hated everything in the world that night. Things were entirely opposite of how they should have been. I remember all the times I tried to keep you out of my head but I couldn't. Now you won’t talk to me about anything. Like I’m some madman for caring about you. You act like all the things I say are lies. I don’t think I could make your life better, I know it. I don’t think I could make you happier, I know it. Just try to think of all those perfect words I said to you. All of the times I wrote something that left you speechless. Just think of all those times. Just remember. Quit hiding it away in your pockets like old receipts and pen caps. I can’t stop thinking about you because you’re the one ******* thing I want in this whole world. I don’ t care about your past. I don’t care about any “imperfections”. I don’t care at all. To me you’re everything I could need. And I can’t help but love everything about you. I just want to have love for you, though, instead of love for everything about you. And I have more love to give than anyone else you've ever known. I might not be better than everyone at everything, but I know I’m better than anyone else at what’s important. I know you could always trust in me. I know I could never hold you back. I know I would keep a smile on your face at all times. I know you wouldn't be waiting around for perfect moments, because I would make every moment perfect. When people ask you what the happiest time of your life was, you wouldn't say it was when you were younger and had your own place and did what you want when you wanted to. You would say that the happiest part of your life is now, because I would make every day better than the last. You wouldn't keep living in the clouds and staring at the stars, you would be with the stars and the moon. You wouldn't need to dream anymore because you would just dream of when you finally get to wake again. I’m not making things up. I’m not hopeful. I’m not optimistic. I’m not a liar. I’m not a dreamer. I know I could make everything better, all the time. Don't think it's too good to be true. You used to say I was too good to be true, but here I am. So just give me a chance to prove it. You’ll never regret it, I promise. Zebra.
The last part (Zebra) is only significant to one person.
I wish you had the nerve to call me and say I cross your mind everyday, and tell me that you hate to say it but it sickness you that things had to turn out this way.

Maybe then I'd have some closure, and finally be able to say goodbye, maybe then I wouldn't feel so ******* used and maybe I'd stop wanting to die.

I just wish that I could know if I meant anything at all, I wish someone could tell me if I was more than just another girl to call

I won't ever look into your perfect green eyes and I won't ever get another fix like that of when you brushed your lips against my skin, because you were my favourite high and now the demons of regret are taking over. this time I'm gonna let them win
i don't know why, but it really hurt me when you said

"telling you things hasn't been going very well for me"

i wanted to be the person you could tell things to.

but i also wanted to be special to you and feel safe and unique in your arms.

i guess i just realized in that moment that i was just another girl.

but i know better. i know you won't find me again. i know i know i know.
 Dec 2015 SECERT ACCOUNT
Laura D
Everyone is your friend unless proven otherwise

2. If he doesn’t answer, don’t keep sending texts. If he cared to talk to you, he would’ve responded.

3. Getting no message is also a message.

4. Don’t mistake knives with flowers when handed to you.

5. Sit on the floor of your shower until you can breathe again. Water will always love to love your skin.

6. Start writing with the intention of filling up one page. Write until your pen stops working and your hearts stops bleeding.

7. You are never anyone’s anything. You are not made to be owned.

8. Don’t make compromises you can’t live with. Compromise is a different version of what you want, not a whole other universe.

9. “No.” is a full sentence. Learn to use it.

10. Learn new vocabulary – because why the **** not? Write down your new words that you learn while reading, use them in conversations; expand your vocab, because when you are sitting there on the bus ride to real life, you’ll be glad you have.

11. Don’t expect people to walk through fire for you.

12. Don’t always be so **** prepared to walk through fire for others. Love doesn’t mean sacrifice. Love shouldn’t mean sacrifice.

13. Learn to let people pass through your life; like a summer breeze, not a storm that’s just been unleashed.

14. Sleeping is not possible when you’re angry or sad.

15. Love yourself the way you loved yourself at ten, before the world had a chance to fill your head with ugliness.

16. You don’t drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.

17. Plan things. Have something to look forward to.

18. Music isn’t about a social projection of your personality. Love what you love and don’t ever be sorry for it.

19. Forgive, but never forget.

20. Train your mind to see the good in everything.

21. Do not spend your life searching for a place to call home. Make the bones in your skeleton the only structure you need.

22. Patience is amazing. Waiting is hard, but worth it.

23. People will make time for you when they care about you. If they say they’re too busy or constantly if they constantly cancel their plans, they don’t care. People fight for you when they care.

24. Care. Not many people give a crap anymore.

25. Don’t try to be pretty. You were meant to burn down the earth and graffiti the sky. Don’t let anyone ever simplify you to just “pretty”.

26. Love burns out.

27. We are not responsible for what we have come to be, but if who you are doesn’t make you happy, then take a different path.

28. It’s nobody’s job to fix you. He just has to be there to hold you’re hand while you try to fix yourself.

29. If we could decide who we loved it would be a lot simpler, but much less magical.

30. Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

31. Find your people. I don’t mean someone who also likes the same tv shows as your or someone who shares your love for cereal. Your people will bring out the best in you. Your people that you can talk to until 3 in the morning and feel like your heart has grown.

32. Take a bath. Sleep in. Eat fruits and vegetables. Drink lots of water. Go for long walks. Treat yourself. Love your body. Exhale.

33. Create a plan that will be enjoyable for exercise and just do it. –no ******* around this year.

34. Take the bricks they used to throw at you and build a ******* castle.

35. Always bring a sweater. Even if you think it won’t be cold.

36. Pay attention to what people say when they’re angry. When you make up and they tell you they didn’t mean any of it, know that they did. Also know that they wish they didn’t. But they did.

37. You’re not over it if it still makes you angry.

38. Read more. Read classics, read newspapers, read magazines, read fictional books, read joke books,
read poems. Just read.

39. Do not let what he wants eclipse what you need.

40. Bleed for better reasons this year.
 Dec 2015 SECERT ACCOUNT
eli
falling in love
is a lot like dying slow
you won't realize it until you're ten feet underground

falling in love
is like going to see the sunset
but realizing the sunset lasts only 30 minutes in a day

falling in love
is like going up to the ice cream truck
after chasing it for blocks
and realizing they don't have your favorite flavor

falling in love
is like showing her off
to all your friends like you're back in school
and today's event is show-and-tell

falling in love
is like taking your first puff,
coughing it out
and revisiting it years later
like it never once left your body

falling in love
is seeing role models turn into humans,
and humans into role models.

falling in love
is like witnessing your first car crash
i guess it wasn't as exciting as it felt on tv.

falling in love
is going to your childhood park,
and realizing people never really go to parks anymore.

falling in love is remembering that kid who moved in grade three
who said they'd stay in touch,
but never heard from again.

falling in love is seeing that kid 10 years later
and dreaming of the next 10 years together

falling in love
is seeing them as a reflection of yourself
sprawled over the bed,
and wondering to yourself "****, what more could i ask?"

falling in love
is screaming PLEASE I WANT THIS TO LAST

LOVE
is seeing them hunched on a hospital bed,
hearing them say
"what life have we led?"

falling in love
is visiting their grave,
hearts broken and sore,
realizing

i don't want to fall in love
anymore
I'm sorry. I'm so ******* sorry. I love you, and I'm sorry for that too. I'm insane, but you probably figured that out by now. I get so sad sometimes and I haven't a clue why, and I'm sorry I can't give you a straight answer. I'm so lost, I hate myself for everything I've ever put you through because you deserve so much better than me. I mean come on. I'm crazy. I'm so flawed and you can't see it, or maybe you choose not to. I get upset so easily and I take it out on you and I'm so ******* sorry for that too. it's not your fault. it doesn't have anything to do with you, it's a flaw in my genes and you help take it away. I'm sorry for not being who you want, I'm sorry for going crazy at the drop of a dime. I can't help it babe. I love you. I get mad for the stupidest reasons and you don't know that the aftermath of this war we constantly find our way into tears me limb from ******* limb. I can't breathe because you take my breath away and I just want you to be there. I want you to be there no matter what and I don't want to ask for help because when I ask I feel weak and I'm supposed to be strong for you and for us and for everyone. I can't show you that I'm dying because you'll blame yourself and it's got nothing to do with you. I hide all my feelings from everyone and I'm getting really sick of it honestly. I just feel like I can't open up to you because you'll see who I really am and you'll leave. like everyone else. and you left before and it was so ******* easy. how. why. I needed you. I loved you. I gave you my everything and you threw it back in my face. that killed me. you ruined me in ways you'll never know about.  I'm so scared to trust you, you're my world but I'm so scared to let you in again because of your past. I'm so terrified of being abandoned because you can find someone who's so much better than me and you will, and she'll be perfect in every way that I'm not and she'll treat you the way you deserve to be treated and I won't be able to fix it, again. and love, I know I'm pushing you away but I don't mean to. I can't lose you. I'm so scared. I'm so sorry. I'm terrified to love you because I'm so sick of being hurt. I always hurt. always. no matter what I say or do I'll always be thinking of how easily you hurt me. and I'm so sorry for that. I'm sorry I can't get over it. I tried. I've been trying since November. I'm still trying today. I care about you and your well being a billion times more than you could ever care about me. and I want to open up to you, I want to tell you everything. I want so bad to let you into my world because maybe you'd understand why I'm so ****** up. but you don't care. and if I told you, you'd probably laugh in my face to be honest. I tried to tell you about my dad, but you don't care as much as you should I won't even show this to you because if I did you probably wouldn't want to read it because it's so ****** long. but I have a lot on my mind that I could never say to your face and I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry I'm not worth it. I'm not worth anything. I just want to die. it's taking all my ******* self control not to cut, and I want to so ******* bad. and I'm sorry for that too. I won't do it because I love you and I can't stand hurting you. but I'm sorry for wanting to hurt myself. I deserve it.
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