My own mother hurt me with words today
She asked me why I have no friends
I told her
The people I thought were my friends lie to my face
Talk behind my back
And invite everyone except me to hang out.
My mom said
"You've given me the same reasons since you were 3
I'm starting to think it's not everyone else
It's you
You're un-friendable."
It's a made up word that cuts real wounds
She said if I weren't so different and kooky
And didn't make people feel awkward
Then maybe I'd learn to be like them.
Well if being myself means
I can't be shown the same respect as everyone else
Why would I want to have friends anyway

It's been a long time since I looked in the mirror and didn't see a stranger.
A long time since "you're beautiful" wasn't met with an instant shake of the head and a laugh.
I don't think he realizes what he's done to me.
While I was busy holding myself together with duct tape and glue, he was learning to stitch his own heart.
And our scars are reminders not of what horror we went through, but that we can make it through anything.
I'm not going to lie, I'm still a mess.
But he's helping me sweep up my broken pieces and catalog what caused the brokenness to begin with.
And as afraid as I am that failure is imminent,
His arms feel like a place I could call home for a long, long time.

"Babe, you were my last thought in 2014, and now you're my first thought in 2015...
I love you."

That's what I texted you last year, at midnight, on New Years Eve.
You replied with, "Aw, thanks."

It's December 28th, 2015, and I haven't gone a day this year without you on my mind.
I don't think anyone understands what I feel towards you, you especially don't.

I feel like at one point you might have loved me.  Now I feel like you tolerate me, but even that can only last for so long.

I've spent a year loving someone who didn't love me back.  I've spent a year trying to make things work, with someone who never cared to try.  I don't think it was the healthiest year for me.  But the thing is, I can't blame anyone for it. It's been my choice, and it always has been.  I choose to make this year about you, I choose to put you first, I keep picking you.

Will 2016 be another year of you?  I guess it's my choice, let's see what I pick.

Maybe we all feel sorrow stronger than any other feeling
And that is why we all write about it
Because there are so many ways to describe pain
And we struggle to find the words to speak of the joy we can feel
So we simply feel it
And that is why we don't write happy

Full places
2. Having to answer the phone
3. When the teacher says "find a partner"
5. The deep, nervous and bad feeling in my throat when I'm outside
6. Ordering at restaurants
7. Not being able to smile back at people so I look down and smile at the ground like an idiot
8. Am I breathing too loudly?
9. When I feel confident about going somewhere, but the closer I get, the more nervous+sick I feel
10. Trying to talk to someone in a group of people, but I don't because I'm afraid I will look ridiculous
12. When someone doesn't text back. So up convince myself that they don't like me
13. Not being able to eat in front of anyone
14. When I'm going to bed+all of a sudden my mind filled with thoughts of things that could go wrong the next day
15. Walking with my eyes fixed on the floor so I avoid eye contact with other people
16. The never ending fear that the teacher will force me to speak or do something in front of the whole class
17. Not reading loud in class because everyone stares and hears how nervous am I
18. Hearing people laugh behind me so I'm assuming its at me
19. Waiting rooms
20. When the teacher calls on me go answer something during class
21. When I can't walk in the hallways at school because I feel like everyone is judging me
22. When the teacher says "if you don't start raising your hands, I'm going to have to call on random people
24. Having great conversations with someone over text,but being afraid to hang out with them because I think they won't like me in person
25. Attempting to say "hello" back when someone suddenly greets me and end up just looking to the person without the ability to talk
26. Constantly feeling like I'm going to throw up
27. Playing out conversations in my head before meeting people
28. Leaving the house
29. Eye contact
30. Walking on my own and feeling like everyone is watching me
31. Not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk to people
32. When the teacher is taking the register in alphabetical order and I know my name is coming up
33. Thinking everyone in the room is talking about me
34. Holding in coughs in class so I don't draw attention to myself
35. Checking my phone because I don't know what to do with my hands
36. Knowing the answer to the teachers question but being terrified to raise my hand and draw attention to myself
37. Constantly feeling like the pressure is on me to start conversations
38. Feeling like everything is my fault
39. Being scared of not being able to get out of a room full of people
40. Being scared of sitting next to a stranger
41. Being afraid of seeing someone I know
42. Getting anxiety during lunch, so I feel sick and I don't eat, which makes me more anxious cause people will judge me for not eating
43. Being scared to go anywhere in case I have a panic attack
44. Not eating in school
45. Entering class late
46. Avoiding crowded events
47. May having a panic attack in school

1.. I remember way too many small details about people so I have to act dumb sometimes so I don’t freak them out.

2. I’m really boring and awkward if I’m not comfortable with you.

3. If we can’t joke around with each other, we can’t date.

4. I love forehead kisses and warm hugs.

5. Things I want but won’t ask for:
-good morning/night texts
-pictures/ candids of us
-surprises, even the little ones
-visiting and bringing favorite food (or coffee)
-a hoodie that smells like you
-really long hugs
-piggyback rides
-slow dances in the middle of the kitchen
-sincere compliments (I might disagree with you, but it still means a lot to me)
-real, deep conversations about everything and nothing
-“gentlemanliness”
-comfort and patience (I get sad and I’m stubborn)
-tell me when, and how much you love me
-flowers
-cuddling
-picking me up and kissing me (especially for photos)

6. I tend to get sentimental often - you will know when and why you are loved.

7. I will get very defensive over myself, and you when with others.

8. I will want you right next to me holding my hand at church sometimes. (Even though I’m not religious)

9. Sometimes I get in trouble and won’t be allowed to hang out.

10. I write. So expect me to write about you, me, us, and some things we do together. (And expect me to want and keep the materialistic things.)

11. I know I am thin, but having an eating disorder makes me think otherwise. Scars don’t help either. So swimming won’t happen for a while.

12. Baby steps. I am not rushing into anything.

13. Little post-it notes left in my locker from you would make my day so much better. I’ll give you the number and combination.

14. Saturdays are the best days to stop by and surprise me.

15. Be spontaneous. Be spontaneous. Be spontaneous.

16. With time, I will eventually fall in love with you. And you will too.

17. Medium iced caramel coffee, extra cream, two Splenda, and an extra shot of caramel. (If you ever want to surprise me.)

18. I’m old-fashioned. Letters, phone calls, dates, movies, dinner, breakfast, Friday night football games, city nights, art, pumpkin picking on Halloween, walks, coffee dates (I’ll drink the coffee), the beach, concerts, film festivals, couch-cuddling. Spontaneous.

19. I tend to not like myself a lot.

20. Meet my family. Nothing will happen if you don’t meet them. They need trust.

21. I need trust and acceptance. You know my issues.

22. If you ever plan to make me yours, do it in a really really cute way. It’ll be so important to me.