i remember something strange from last night.

red
soaked into my skin and
flowed through me.

the sound of rouge
was the only thing my ears could hear.

the taste of aka
filled my mouth.

rojo
was the only image that my eyes perceived.

the loving touch of laal
caressed my skin.

but then,
i remember the beautiful image of rouge
twisting
turning
and morphing
into something otherworldly.

suddenly,
the horrid smell of rojo
pervaded my senses and
took hold of my sinuses.

the brutality of laal
scraped deep lines into my skin.

the hot aka
leaked out from the lines,
and
flooded the floor.

and soon
my eyes were blinded by
the curtain of red.


and when i woke up,

i was laying in a pool of rouge.



now, i look back and
try to recall
if it was just a twisted dream
that one sees
before their last scream.

when i am in your presence
i already begin to miss you.

when you walk out of the door,
i feel as if a part of me is being pulled away.

once you have left,
i see the ghost of your shadow,
feel your once-lived touch,
and i am also enveloped in the warmth that once was.

every place in my house reminds me of you—
the ledge where we once sat, and
the bed where we once kissed.

everything i see
keeps reminding me.

i play it off as you leave,
but once you are gone,
the feeling pulls at my feet—
pulling me into the shadows.




but the thought of you lifts me up.

but the sound of your voice makes me feel hope once more.

but seeing your face makes my heart ache.

but seeing your texts makes me miss you more than ever.


but that doesn’t matter.


because my appreciation for you always remains.


because remembering when we first held hands reminds me that there is so much more to come.


because every time i’m with you reminds me of the first time.






because no matter how long i have to wait ‘till i see you,



no matter how far i have to walk,



no matter how much land i have to traverse,



no matter how much i have to endure,







i will always think of you.
i will always miss you.
i will always hope to see you—
even if it is impossible.



but most importantly,










i will always love you.

[play message?]
>yes

“hi! i’m just calling to let you know what’s been going on lately...guess i’ll start now, since you’re not picking up...hehe...


it so stupid sometimes—
texting certain ways and saying certain things,
as if it will let them know that you’re not okay.

it so pointless,
because they don’t notice when you cry out.

they don’t notice because they aren’t you.

it’s stupid to wish they were you.

it’s stupid to think they’ll know.

it’s stupid to let yourself feel this much.

it’s a luxury to feel those little mental bruises.

it’s disgusting.

you’re disgusting.”



[end of message]
[play again?]
>no
[delete?]
>

Your light
Burns through me.

And a sudden throbbing fills me
When you look at me.

Your light,
Almost penetrating me,
Bores holes into my body that lays here without use.

My body broken,
Healing is too late to the
Appointment—

Too late to make a change in my worsening condition.

However, my soul has not been lost.

Make it shine one more time.


And before me you stand,
As if answering my unspoken command.

Carefully,
You guide your thick shell off your body.

Slowly,
You reveal yourself to me.

Light shines in through the window,
Slowly penetrating my pores.

But when I behold you,
I am entombed in a comforting darkness.

You lunge toward me,
Forcing your fragile body forward lustfully.

I cannot resist,
For your darkness calms me—
Entrances me.


And then you shed your final skin.

The true you has emerged,
Thrusting your naked spirit upon my body,
(Filthy with sorrow.)

I behold,
The ****** Innocence coming upon me.

I have lost my chastity to sons of the “evil being”.

No more innocence,
I am the ***** *******.

But this experience brings upon me
A different feeling,
Like that of deeply sleeping.

I draw myself closer,
Where your lips whisper.

I do not need to know what they say,
For I already know the words.

Our fingers intertwining,
Our spirits violently colliding,
I lose myself in the detail of your spirit.

No pain is felt when you are near,
For you are the one I hold dear.

You have lost your sense of indulgent chastity to the likes of me,
A worthless piece of filth with renewed purpose.

Linen and lace
Cover my face,
But they are burning.

We set fire to the peaceful smile,
The quiet enjoyment.

We ignited the fuse,
That we didn’t notice
When it called our names

Here,
With you,
I do not seek truth,
nor forgiveness.

I do not seek my lost chastity or body.
I simply seek you.

Our souls marred from the fire,
We do not care what we look like.

For as the linen burns,
As the fuse ignites,
As the trees stir in the wind,
As electricity is generated up in the clouds above,

We simply dance together,

Rhythmic and beautiful,


Even under all these lies.

I wish...
I wish I could appreciate myself the way you do.

There are things
That I could maybe consider
That would make me believe
That I am the slightest bit interesting,
Or different.

But I feel like those things don’t compare,
When I cannot be competent enough to succeed in everything else.

I still fail to see
What you hold so dearly in me.

When I look to myself,
I do not feel like I am to be mixed up in the crowd,
Or to be like everyone else.

I see myself as standing out in that crowd.
But not to perform or exude confidence,
But rather to overtake the dazzling show someone else is putting on
Just by being themselves.

I jump in front of this amazing person,
Unable to control my actions.
I humiliate myself,
With every eye turned on me.

Maybe
I’m not jumping in front of this person.
Maybe
I’m just being myself.
But being myself is exactly what I hate.

I am once again the Reaper of Happiness.
Not from myself,
But from others.

I am not unfortunate enough to have nothing.
In fact, I have everything.
I have someone who loves me
And who I love back.
I have people who love me,
Even though I don’t say it back.
I have friends who care about me,
And always have my back.
And I have parents
Who feel the joy of raising me.

I have everything


Except myself.

I have stepped out of my eyes

And I’ve seen what it’s like to be an observer.

It is a strange feeling of weightlessness that only occurs when I’m tired.

And it is then,
Then when I realize,
That I am able to live from afar,
Live off calculations.

Smile when she smiles,
Laugh when he laughs.

I am the shrewd observer of myself,
Watching my every move.

I am the eye searching through my window,
Unable to see the full picture of me
Through the thin slits in the blinds.

I am the reflection in my mirror,
Looking away when I remove my clothes.

I am the persona I see of myself online,
Taking ten pictures
Until it looks just right.

Sometimes,
I am the fake facade
That actually likes what she sees.

I am the fake facade,
Who’s smile comes and leaves.

I will never be able to see
What you hold so dearly in me.

Appreciation I give myself comes in small fragments
Like light shining in through a glass pane on a ceiling.

So close, and so intimate
That I can feel the rays warming my skin,
Feel their energy.

But so far,
when I try to reach for the glass pane
In hope
It is far out of reach.
But from my perspective,
It is something so easy to achieve.
And thus,
Happiness becomes something I must  conceive.

I will never reach the point
In which I understand
why you want our hands to be joined.

I am below you,
And you are above me.
A twisted hierarchy
That I will never be unable to see.

So therefore you’d be better off




If you don’t pour all of your valuable self

Into me.

i walk through this desolate place of
death,
remorse,
ruined love,
and regret.

i eye the gravestones—
the words etched into the marble.

i eye the faceless words
staring back at me.

i look at the flowers—
empty promises of remembrance and once-lived love.

i look at the flowers—
some wilted and dying.

the huge trees overshadowing me,
i feel lost in this cemetery.

i look to the stones in the area for people who have been cremated—
reminders of love, life, and existence burned into a million ashes.

i feel the presence of all the death.
i feel it sinking into me.




i wonder when i’ll join them?

I am in a room filled with light.
With no more life,
I have my fair share of strife.

The light blinds me,
And I feel all the terrible eyes upon me.

I am naked and vulnerable,
Sitting without defense;
A crumpled *** of paper
Is the shape of my stance.

A tear streaking my face,
I have not gotten the chance to find my place.

But then you come out of the light,
Your black cloak being the only thing I can see.

You kneel down next to me,
And your eyes find where I bleed.

And before I know it,
Your cloak engulfs me,
Your arms steeling me,
Just when I think I might fall into an eternal sleep.

You bandage the wound
That I was unable to see.

And you carry me,
All the way through the deep sea,
Which now seems so shallow to me.

With nothing to fear
When you are near,
I fall into a deep sleep.

And when I wake,



You are right next to me.