you say that loving the same *** is worth hating.
you say that these people
for their unchosen sin should be paying,
but deep down, you’re the same.
you wake up every morning
hating the same day.

you say that another skin color is what they should be wearing,
but really, you are also truly despairing.

you tell them to be this,
and be that.
you tell them that they’re too skinny,
or too fat.

you tell them how to be and who to be—i wish you could see through your hypocrisy.


because all colors of the rainbow are pretty.

because every size is alright.

because these people try with all their might.

because being different shouldn’t be met with fright.


let us all dance together





and fade into this beautiful night.

when i am with you, all i feel is safe.

i love it when you hold me, please, do it once more.

i love it when you kiss me—is this the way love tastes?

i love it when you look at me, because your soft gaze seems to encapsulate me.

when you say goodnight, my heart melts.

when i see your face, i finally feel as if i’ve found my place.




life sure as hell ain’t easy,




but it’s a lot better when you’re with me.

I said it was okay.
I said it was just another stupid delay.

I didn’t tell you


How much I cried that day.

I know you did a lot of horrible things to me.

I know and can feel
How bad you hurt me.

I don’t like what you did to me,

Or the things you said,



But I am willing to forgive.



I still have the scars from your belt on my back,


and I still remember the stifling feeling of your hands around my neck,




But I also remember your remorse—


The sadness in your eyes as you’d hold my broken body in your arms and tell me how much you loved me.




I remember laying there,
Tears streaking my face,
With all my limbs broken.


You could have a temper.



But you could also be the most loving thing I ever knew.


You’d yell and scream and shout and rant,



You’d break me.



But,

I am willing to forgive.



I hope that you’ll look at this note.



Look at it as if it was written in my own blood—
The blood you spilled.


And I want you to feel my agony.

Feel my pain.

Understand my blight.


And then I want you to tell yourself that it’s okay.



Because I hope you’ll see this.


I hope you won’t be angry any more.


Because I know,

In truth,



We both want to forgive.


Forget the whippings.

Forget the bruises.


But remember the pain.


Remember the tears.


And remember your remorse.



And forgive.


Forgive yourself.



Forgive me.


Forgive me for hating you.



And I promise, if you do, I will do the same.



I hope that you can understand.





I hope we can forgive each other.



I hope we can reconnect the bonds of our love,

And put the pain in an old shoebox.


I just want to be with the real you.


Even if it’s just for one more time.





Thank you.

Clouds are on the horizon,
Forming a gray crown
On this soggy day.

It looks like rain.

The mountains off in the distance—
They glow with a bright light.
A light that fills me with unease.

And as slow as a millisecond without you,
The clouds are above me,
Their masked faces scheming above my head.

There is that silent moment—
That moment when all falls still.
The wind slows,
(So slow, but abrupt in secret)
The light dims,
(The absence of light makes you feel tired, but it does so by slipping it slowly under your pillow in the deepest hours of the night)
And all is eerie, but peaceful.

Then I am caught by surprise
As little droplets of rain fall to the Earth.

And then, I accept peacefully—
The rising intensity in what becomes a downpour.

The downpour mixes with my emotions,
Which flood out in the form of tears.

Good thing it’s raining, huh?

Good thing no one can tell that I continue to cry.

But the tears come out with a desolate smile.

And through the mist I swear I see

Someone else who exists

Other than me.


It’s beginning to look like a storm.

The storm is grueling at first—
Traversing the mountains isn’t so easy.

But then, as I reach the peak I see

Someone else who exists

Other than me.

The rain continues,
Covering me.
But it’s okay.

For you are there at the end of the day.

But just like the boats
In a stormy sea that sway,
It is hard to understand these feelings
Everyday.

sitting here
as the world comes to an end,
i think i’m still



pondering why



my text was left on read.

I remember the days when you were a little child going off to kindergarten.

I remember the days when you’d trip on the sidewalk and your shoe would fall off.

You cried and whined and sometimes I got tired.

I remember getting upset with you, and putting you in time out.

I remember breast-feeding you and making sure you didn’t cry.

I remember yelling at you because you almost started a fire.

I also remember rocking you gently in my arms and singing softly into your ear.



When you were three, you ate chocolate pudding and slathered it all over your face.


When you were eleven, you yelled at me and told me you hated me.


When you were fifteen, you had your first boyfriend, and I cried.




When you were a baby, I remember the softness of your little hands in mine, and your delicate eyelashes as you rested.


When you were five, I remember you making me a drawing for Mother’s Day and writing, “You are the best Mommy in the world,” on it.


When you were thirteen, I remember you laughing and making jokes with me.


When you were sixteen, I remember you getting your driver’s license and taking me out to eat.


When you were seventeen, I remember talking and laughing and crying and having a deep conversation with you.



And now you’re all grown up.


You’re an adult in the eyes of society.



But in my eyes, you’re still my sweet little baby.


You want to rebel and dye your hair.


And that’s fine.


You want to spray paint the wall of your room and blast music all night.


And that’s fine.


You also want to move out.


Through all those tough times,
Through all that hardship,
Through all the times you said, “I hate you!”
And all the crying,


We still love each other.


I still love you.


And I know you have a car and a boyfriend and are going after your passion.


That’s great.


I know it’s great.


But why don’t I feel great?


I feel so selfish right now—it’s something so big for you—such a big step in your life.



But I hate it.


You’ll be moving out.


You’ll be with him.


You’ll be together.


But you won’t be with me.



I want you to be with me.


I miss holding you in my arms on all those sleepless nights.


I miss your cute little voice as a toddler.


I miss your care-free attitude and ease of living.



I miss you,
But you’re not even gone.


It hurts to see you packing up all those boxes.

It hurts to see you say goodbye to your friends.


Why am I so selfish?


Why can’t I be happy for you?


Well, I am. But at the same time, I can’t get over it. I can’t.


You’re leaving.


You’re leaving—


And you’ll be without me.


I know you can take care of yourself,


But part of me still worries you’ll leave a light on for too long or



You’ll get too drunk or



You’ll do drugs or



You won’t keep up with your rent or




Why am I doubting you?



Or maybe I’m just doubting myself.


Maybe I’m doubting my ability to find a reason to live without you.


Maybe I’m doubting my ability to be happy for you.


Maybe I’m just



Doubting my existence.


I don’t want you to go.



I don’t want you to go.


I don’t want you to leave me.



I don’t want you to leave.



Please don’t leave.




Please.











Please.










Don’t leave me at this bottomless pit alone









With no one left to love.













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