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 Aug 2016 Stacy Mills
Kurt Carman
Morning smells of Lilacs rapture me,
Taking me back to Kinderhooks Chatham Street….June 21st 1961……not a cloud in the sky.
Lying in bed I open my eyes to the hum of a window fan.
And in the distance I hear a Hudson River barge blast its horn.

This moment in time, well it brings tears to my eyes.
Eleven years old, brown hair, hazel eyes, a toothy smile,
Grins in the mirror, hoping to find a whisker or two…
My cat Oscar sits there on the sink purring out his contentment.

“Oscar” I say, “today I leave for the Freedom Farm”
The Freedom Farm is the one place where I’m free to be me
Without the fear of a negative comment or a boot in my ***
I climb aboard the Greyhound bus with suitcase in hand, And looking down at Mom and Dad....I wave…. So Long Suckers!!              

Walton NY, June 22nd, Dunk Hill Road, the smell of cow ****,
The land of Milk and Honey, Fields of four leaf clovers and 10’ corn stalks.
It was here that all my friends lived, Shorty the horse, Mrs Blue the Holstein,                                                        ­                      
And there was Uncle Ike, Aunt Minnie and 9 Cousins. I loved them all!

On this little dairy farm……my potential was unlimited,
Uncle Ike taught me to drive the Tractor, water the heifers,  
Milk the cows, shovel ****, spread manure and have some **** fun!
Hell Uncle Ike even let me try a piece of his plug tobacco... (Note to self…Just say No Thanks next time)

A summer filled with character building experiences and an eight year olds understanding of work ethic.
But we still had plenty of time for fun and cousin bonding.
My Cousin Tom taught me to ride the cows and honed my spitting skills.
And in my downtime I'd perfect the finer points of armpit farting,
Four weeks of heaven on earth where nothing was impossible.

*Once you work on a farm you get dirt in your shoes. And when you get dirt in your shoes, you can never get it out!"
Miss that old farm at the end of Dunk Hill Road. My Uncle Ike and Aunt Minnie were the best people! I had so much fun with cousin's Joann, Tom and Katherine.  Love you all!
WHAT'S A FATHER TO BE?
I DON' T KNOW , LET ME SEE.
ITS SAID THEY ARE KIND AND FRIENDLY
I'VE HEARD THEY ARE HONEST AND TRUE.
I'VE LISTENED TO STORIES ABOUT HOW THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO TREAT YOU
ITS BEEN TOLD , THEY'RE ALWAYS THERE WITH A HAND FOR YOU TO HOLD
SOMEONE ONCE SAID THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT
SEE I'VE ONLY HEARD THESE THINGS
IN REALITY I'VE BEEN CAUGHT
IN A FANTASY THAT MEN LIKE THESE
EXIST IN OUR REALITY
SOMETIMES IT IS SADLY A BRUTALITY
TO ACTUALLY HAVE A FATHER,
FOR HE IS JUST A MAN,
WHO DOESN'T EVEN KNOW,
HOW TO HANDLE HIS ANGER, AND HE LETS IT FLY BLOW BY BLOW
OTHERS THERE ARE THOSE, WHO WANT TO MAKE YOU TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES,
IN SADNESS, IN SICKNESS, THEY HURT YOU,
THEY TAKE AWAY YOUR FUTURE, YOUR SOUL
IT SEEMS LIKE THERE IS NO LIGHT IN THIS BLACK HOLE
THERE ARE THOSE WHO SAY TOO MUCH
THEY HURT THIS WAY BY THE MEAN HURTFUL THINGS THEY SAY,
BELIEVE ME I KNOW PERSONALLY, A LIFE, LIVED, AND LEFT BEHIND,

I have met a man, who is KIND,SINCERE, FRIENDLY,AND ALWAYS THERE FOR ME. MY DAD, I LOVE YOU
TOOK ME TEN YEARS TO MEET THE MAN I CALLED DAD. TOOK 6 MORE TO REALIZE HE WASN'T GOING TO HURT ME. I LOST HIM IN 2013 WHAT I WOULDN'T TO HAVE STARTED LOVING HIM SOONER. BE THANKFUL FOR YOUR FATHER..(if they are the rare ones) :)
I STAND OUTSIDE MY WINDOW LOOKING IN
HOW DO I START, HOW DO I BEGIN,
WITH WHAT YOU DON'T SEE, A PROBLEM,
IT IS WHO YOU ARE.
WELL MAKE A CHANGE
STAND UP TO THE CALL
YOU SAID YOU WANTED ME AND NOW IT SEEMS AS IF ALL IT EVER WAS WAS A DOOM
TO HAVE BELIEVED AND HOPED, YOU LOVE  
THE ONE WHO WANTED ME, TO LOVE TO HOLD ME, TO KISS ME, TO CARE FOR ME ALL THE DAYS OF OUR LIFE,
WHERE DID HE GO, THAT MAN
INSIDE OF YOU DID HE SLIP OUT OR TAKING A BREAK
OR DIE?

HE JUST DISAPPEARED

SOMETIMES IT'S UNFAIR AND DOESN'T SEEM QUITE CLEAR
HOW TO THINK, HOW TO FEEL, HOW TO ACT
DO I ASK, DO I DARE, DO I BEG, HEAR UNFAIR
WHAT I ASK ISN'T MUCH JUST YOUR TIME AND TOUCH
YOUR LEADERSHIP WOULD BE WISE,
WILL IT EVER HAPPEN CAN YOU RISE
TO THAT JOB,YOU'VE BEEN CALLED
WELL, LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU'RE READY
you see me stand in pain
you just sit in stare, like well i don't care
you sit and don't help
not even when i'm in pain
it's so hard to believe
all you give is grief
not a shred of care
as if we ever shared
a single thought or idea
how can you sit, how can you not see
i need you, i want you, but you just sit
it honestly feels worse that a hit
no emotion, no reaction, no words ever
why should i have to feel like im always grievin

i want my son to have a dad
but is it the cost, me always being sad
you act like you don't care
you never help or share responsibiity
you never help with shopping,
you never help with mopping
you never help pick up our son
you never seem to do anything but look out for #1
i wish you could open your eyes
because the world you see, your missin
the days, the moments, the hours, with our son
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