26- My golden year

******* what a huge lie
Why is my only dream to be loved why is this all you gave to me?
Why am I more lonely every time
WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY

Why do you never give me what I beg and plead for
You say you give good gifts to your children
How the hell am I supposed to know when you're giving me something and when you're not?
How am I to tell the difference
Why did you let me live in a relationship that was so good, so kind, so loving, and RIP MY HEART OUT because YOU WON'T LET ME HAVE HIM

Why God
Why is this where I am
Nothing in the depths of my soul has changed, I still want the same things, I'm still broken and unable to function
Why does it feel like I keep coming back to the same things over and over and over

I'm suspended in time and space
Stuck in a never ending loop
Nothing changes
Nothing is new
I'm Ranita and I'm ******

I hate me so much why why why why why
****

Gaping holes in my heart
Will you hold what's left
Even on days when you don't want to

Why would I ever think or act like asking is so hard
When in reality the hardest part is not asking
At all

My insides are ripping me to shreds
Starting with my mind ending with my hunger
I so very deeply want more that I can’t stop
I’m not like you Jeff
I may feel just as hopeless but I think because you followed through I can’t follow you

What do I do on the days that I believe I can’t be your girlfriend?
On the days when I want to ask, “Can you dream a little smaller?”
What do I do when I believe I’ll only hold you back from what is good?
All I want is good
How can I ever ask someone to shoot for less
How can I ever dream that it’s okay to be with me
Because
It’s not
So what do I do

What do I do on the day when you confirm all of this
When you see it and agree

I'd write you a cute little note but today most likely isn't that day.
I feel smaller than a grain of grass that I pick at while we talk on the phone.
My heart is like an eggshell, squeeze because you love me and I may even crack from that.
I'm lonelier than I thought and I know not even a commitment would "fix" it.
(not saying it wouldn't help)
My mind isn't sharp, it's clouded with the many toxic thoughts it has moment by moment.
There are no breaks
There are no bonuses
Do not pass go
Do not collect 200 dollars.

Hi I'm going crazy here
My heart feels and feels and for the ever living ****-
ing feels like it never ends
I've been continually coming back to the same place
YEAR after YEA-
Rear ended by my hopelessness catching up with me
I wish this wasn't the narrative of my soul
My internal mindscape screaming at me to SHUT THE HE-
Help me here, Lord, please
You know it all, you made me this way
Return O my soul to your rest for the Lord has dealt bountifully with yo-
You're a mess he won't hear you you're all alone in this
Yikes me, do us a favor and be still my soul

I want to rip my soul out my chest
Or at least my throat through my neck
Maybe if I **** my voice
I’ll stop feeling like I could control
I want to **** off all my dreams
Or at least watch my blood seep through my skin
Maybe if I could just pay my dues
I wouldn’t feel like a worthless *****

Save me, save me from myself
Before I hurt more than me
Before he leaves