If you were my girlfriend
I would have treated you better
That’s what he said
It’s a good thing I’m not
And we just live together
And sleep together
And eat dinner together

How dare the day keep going on
How rude
Don’t the sun and the moon
Know you died
Can’t the earth hear me cry
Why is it still spinning
Why does every day still
Go on

I had not even looked at anything for months
Then I wrote about you four days ago
It’s almost like I knew

I can’t decide if
Everyone was right
About us being crazy
Or if we really
Loved each other
I sometimes remember that first night with you
Things were good for just me and you

We never have funerals for love
Love dies too

Hey, it’s me again
I just had a dream about you
I sent you a message
I was asking if your silence was all my fault
And you simply replied that it was
But when I woke up,
Still an empty inbox
No word from you
It’s been months
It’s been years

I waited my whole life
Slamming myself
Into brick walls of passion
Instant heat
Burning me up

And then I met you
I lit a candle in my finger tips
I melt
I drip
For you
I slowly burn
For you

And it’s 100x sweeter
Than the boy who
Made me feel something once
Because you make me feel something
Every day

I don’t write this poetry
For you
Because it’s cute
I write this
Because I
I am filled with passion
Brimming
Teeming
And the amount of things I
Hold inside myself
Have poured over enough
To make an ocean
For you to swim in

I hope it all makes it’s way to you
Some way
Some how

This year will be the hardest one
Because I’m replacing two with you

Passion
Kissing
Glances
Touches filled with fire
I am on an island so
Far away from these things
I ******* over and over
Just like you **** me over and over
But then that’s different
Can’t let each other go
But it’s okay because there is nothing
Waiting for me over there
Nothing in the sea
Or somewhere else
I sit here with you
I tell myself it’s because I want to
Not because I don’t respect myself
I’ve heard you say this is
A dead end
Point blank
Straight down
It falls out of your mouth often
There will be no flowers or
Candle lit dinners
Even when we laugh
And spend sun up to sun down
Every day
Conversations go into the wee hours
Why do you bother asking me
Intimate things
Over and over and over
But you never called me beautiful
So atleast we have that
I’m on an island
So far from passion
Or the idea of someone telling me
“I can’t get
Enough of you”
Because I can’t breathe long enough
To get away from you
I tell myself that I do this to myself

How’s making it work
Going for you

And no I won’t settle
Settle for some boy
Promising the moon and stars
Only to show up
Smelling like alcohol
with
Tin foil ***** and cardboard pieces
In hand

I deserve worship
Worship me
Fall down to your knees
I want someone thirsty to
Taste me

I am made up of the
Mountains and oceans
Dark skies and pastel summer days
I won’t settle
For some
Boy

I just
want to hear your voice

I'd think of the times i'd often have something imperative to say
Not often
And so was it imperative?
imperative to speak?
"sometimes, people just want to know you love them"
it's exhausting keeping up
At this point in life,
I value the people who understand me and
understand my lapses of silence
I have nothing to say

Tired of being used
For parts to fill
Yourself with
Use up until
You feel whole
Taking pieces of me
Taking pieces of me
Empty
Every time you leave me

I love you
I love you
Where ever you are
In your car
In your bed
Kissing your girl goodnight
I love you
And I wish
That it was us
You and me
Me and you

You are the love of my life
The most intelligent
Amazing
Funny
Human being I’ve ever met
And nothing comes close to
What we had
Not even a whisper
You are my soul
I was sitting at this red light
Thinking about all the moments with you
And how good they were
I can’t stop missing you

Memories moving
Like movies
Flipping fervently
Trying to
Find you

I waited a whole year
Thinking maybe we would be together again
Maybe it was close to our time
Maybe you were just going through something
I kept looking for you everywhere
To tell you about Valentines
And then I told myself
Maybe you really did forget me
Maybe I was the only one here
I’m not sure of what I’m sure of anymore
But I do know how much I love you

I don’t trust you
Not as far as I can
Throw you
Which wouldn’t be far
On a account of your being
6”3
and my being
5”4
But I miss you
I miss your arms
And the way you scooped me up
I miss you longer than the longest
Days or nights
Every poem is about
Missing
You

I could be half way around the world
Looking at the most breath taking things
And then it hits me like a train
I miss you so much
It makes me ache

Don’t you know
That I know it’s you everytime
Please talk to me

I am the rabbit
You are the carrot
Dangling on a string
Is that all we are doomed to be?

I want to forget April
I want to erase May
June can also go away
I knew it
I knew it Dillan
I knew you’d never ever
Stay

Goodnight
Sleep tight
Don’t let
The bed bugs
Bite
I miss you
I love you

Homesick when you are an adult is different
Home isn’t a place anymore
Somehow it becomes a person
And as I’m sure you were taught
At a very young age
Life isn’t fair
Sometimes you miss someone so much
You think you won’t make it through the day
But you do anyway, and you keep on
And on and on and on
Years pass
But there you are
Still remembering the smell of his linen
Pressed against your nose

You won’t say it
You won’t let me know
But I know
You are thinking of me too

She is the moon, the stars, and the sky
She stops time
And my eyes shine

She is quiet
She tries to disappear
But I see her

I see her
And I want to kiss her
be near her
For even one second

Maybe she didn’t get her marriage
Maybe I ruined that
She successfully solidified her place in your life
She poured the cement around her feet next to you
She was able to put herself in all the places I wanted to be
And I guess I was okay with that
I had to be
But I missed you
And I missed you
And I missed you
And I will miss you for the rest of our lives
How can I feel that you aren’t happy?

Pick up the phone
Call me
Please

I miss you

Will I ever
See you again?
I whispered in my dream
After death,
And another life
But not until then,
You sighed

Once upon a time
I almost ran away with you
We almost made a home together
We almost met our lives in the middle

We weren’t even salvageable children
But foreboding adults

There you stood at the altar
And it was never decided
Did I rip you away from it?
Or did you step away from it?
“We all made our choices”

But we still ran with it,
and
We almost did it,
We almost got there,
We were Icarus,
And our inextinguishable love,
It was the sun,
We burned up in it

I hate our phone calls now
I hate the spaces in between the small talk
“How is everything” I love you “******”
I hate being here while you are there
I hate how almost isn’t quite enough
For it to be all the way

I love you

I know things
I’m not stupid
I know that,
Two plus two is four,
The sky is blue,
I have two feet,
Ten fingers,
Ten toes,
I know that you,
You tell lies,
More than you tell the truth,
I know that about you,
So when you sit here and say,
It’s different this time,
Why would it change,
Something I know.
The sky is not purple.
I do not have fifteen fingers
And two toes
And you,
Hardly tell the truth,
I know that.

I am not thinking about you anymore
Atleast that’s what I tell myself
But when I open my eyes in the morning
I can’t help but think about your day
I am not thinking about you anymore
I’m really trying
But I still wake up in the middle of the night, and wonder did everything go your way today?
I am not thinking about you anymore
I am hurting beyond measure
I’ve written this whole poem about you.

Baby, I'm gone, gone
I am so gone from here.

I'm gonna spread out far to the edges and over,

I'm gonna spill out, just like that milk you always ******* cried over

I'm gonna cover the earth,
And baby I'm gone from here.

Then I thought about how
You only make me cry
Bone breaking loneliness
Creeping all inside

Loving you is like faith
I can’t see you, hear you, smell you
But I know you are all around me
I wake up and feel you enveloping my space
I wish you knew how much I endlessly and eternally loved you

It’s five am
And I know you’re sleeping
I’m wide awake
Memories of you dancing
In my head
Making love
Laughing
Feeling so whole
I miss you Dillan

I wake up now and I forget
But sometimes, in the early hours
I wake up and I can’t understand how you are miles away laying next to her
I roll over and stare at the ceiling
The whir of the fan in the background
The popcorn of the ceiling being kissed by the dimmed lamp from the 90s that has a turn dial on it
I sigh and I think to myself
“Why do I have these miserable thoughts and he gets to be so happy”
And then I think
Maybe this is why I have these miserable thoughts
I cared far too much
And he never cared enough
It’s been a year now-
So it’s easier
The mornings and hours I spend on them now
Are few and far between

Life was so much more than black and white

It was red yellow grey turquoise manilla

He could love you

And he could *******

But he could still love someone else

Before I slip away
Again
Underneath my own skin
Tell me
You love me
You love me

Before I push you away
Again
In front of this monster
Hold me
Hold me

I’m okay
I’m okay
Until I’m not

You remember passion is there
And then like a wave
It subsides
Leaving you
Marooned in reality
But I love you anyway
I love you fiercely right down to my bones

This can’t be this hard
For just me
Right?
Right???

Don’t you see
I’m so in
Love with you
Listen,
I can’t live without you
And I wish you were
Near me now

Boys don’t ride on horses
Or speak carefully
Boys break bones
And they
Bellow with rage
Guttural scream
Boys are not gentle
They do not smell
Of cream

You say
You’re so much sometimes

And I say to that
Well sometimes,
You are not enough

I cry so deep
I feel the river flowing through
My chest
Deep, white water, ripping through me

I can’t believe you did this
You did this again

Intrepid followers
For
The blameless god of love
Giving their hearts for sacrifice
For their chance
To be eaten up

Emptiness
Dryness
Fills up these lines
More than passion has
In the last
Two years
I’m on my own
Wandering the dessert again