I love him so much

In my memories
You belong to me
And we belong to each other
It’s a sacred place

I use to get so mad
When you’d wake me up
Midnight hours
Asking me questions about myself
Please
I’d say
Let me go back to sleep
Such an annoyed tone
Now it’s 12 am again
But it’s silent
I find myself saying things in my head
Like
Sorry I got so annoyed
And
I miss anyone
Anyone at all
Asking questions
About me
Genuinely

And be thankful you are alive
Because
Without you
They would have never met at all
If it hadn’t been for you
He’d still be getting married
And they would just be coworkers

And in either scenario
You realize
With or without you
He’d have gone on
Life would have gone on

I’ll always love you
Goodbye
I’ll see you when we’re old
And our kids are grown
Well catch up
And I’ll still love you then

He checks his emails
I’m happy for you
He’s says
I’m happy for you
I say

I had a dream last night
And all I can remember is
Someone saying
“You are beautiful”
How genuine it was

I got a tattoo
Of a honeysuckle today
To remind me of you
And that
Rainy
April Day

I wish I loved you less
And I loved
me
more
I wish I loved myself the way
I loved you
Or I loved anyone else
I wish I could
Do that

I can’t possibly understand how it could be anyone other than you
I thought maybe we finally had our chance
Our day beneath the honeysuckle
I miss you
Trying to figure out why you’d stop
Talking to me
I want to finally share that meal
So much time has passed and
I’m almost 30 now
Please call me
Please call me

Hey
What are you having for dinner today
How have your days been
How have your weeks been
The months?
I just called to talk to your voicemail
I miss you

I
Have
A hundred pictures of the sun
And the paint it spreads
Across the sky

And you
You don’t even look up
You don’t even notice

Sadness usually consumes me
At some point
It’s like I’ve been running a marathon
Things are getting personal
But I can clear my mind
If I try hard enough
I only get sad
Sometimes
You can’t say that out loud though
People start to worry
It’s days like that I wish
We all just said what’s on our minds
I’m ******* miserable
How about you
Maybe miserable as well
I start thinking
Why aren’t people more honest
Why does honesty terrify them
So much

I waited my whole life
Slamming myself
Into brick walls of passion
Instant heat
Burning me up

And then I met you
I lit a candle in my finger tips
I melt
I drip
For you
I slowly burn
For you

And it’s 100x sweeter
Than the boy who
Made me feel something once
Because you make me feel something
Every day

Another six months
Another year
I’m almost thirty
And then I’ll be practically forty
Please, I miss you

Wasting your breath

There are some things

That will only change

With age

Do you think I’ll be better
Better ever?
I am afraid of death
and dying.
Nothing, is a deep leap to hop into.
Nothing.
I’ve never been fond of heights.
Will I make it to 30?
Do you think I’ll ever be better?
Can I be better ever?
I want to be normal
I’m tired
I could use a rest
I want to be like the rest
I am afraid of death
And dying.
Do you think I will ever get better?

Connection
Breeds
Creation

Bees
To
Flowers flaunting
pollen

Homesick when you are an adult is different
Home isn’t a place anymore
Somehow it becomes a person
And as I’m sure you were taught
At a very young age
Life isn’t fair
Sometimes you miss someone so much
You think you won’t make it through the day
But you do anyway, and you keep on
And on and on and on
Years pass
But there you are
Still remembering the smell of his linen
Pressed against your nose

Sometimes I think about how I have only been with people since you
To get over you, to move on with life
And yet
I wish in the small moments I had
I hadn’t been so caught up in everything else
To seize getting you back
Would you have seen me again? I never tried because I was thinking you’d say no.
I have not stopped loving you since I saw you again, not for one moment
Looking for you in everyone else, but it never comes close
I love you so much though I feel like I could be here forever and it’d be ok
I keep waiting and waiting for anything to fall back into place with you and I
It always comes back to you
You you you

Sometimes
Sometimes I miss you so much
That I think I’m not gonna make it
I don’t know how I’m gonna
Get through that day without talking to you
But then I do
And the sun rises
And the sun falls
Somehow I keep doing it all

I say
I will miss you
And every single time
You look away
Check out that picture
You say
But I will miss you

If you were my girlfriend
I would have treated you better
That’s what he said
It’s a good thing I’m not
And we just live together
And sleep together
And eat dinner together

I can’t remember anymore
What is it like
When someone can not
Keep their lips from yours
I am lonely and it’s late
That’s the only reason I care
I am numb
Over and over
I feel nothing

She is the moon, the stars, and the sky
She stops time
And my eyes shine

She is quiet
She tries to disappear
But I see her

I see her
And I want to kiss her
be near her
For even one second

I crave the security
In the foundation never placed
Here’s your hard hat kid
And your concrete
Do it all yourself
Lay it all yourself

I crave security

Have you ever been in love?
It eats you
It consumes your body
Toes to head
Wildfire takes over
And it burns you up
How did you exist without
That’s what you will ask yourself
Have you ever been in love?

It has to mean something
That we think of each other
At the same time of day

String me along
Like little fine white pearls
Clacking against each other
Each impactful time your
Fingers slide me down the thread

It’s five am and I’m thinking about
How I use to be sad if you departed
without giving me kisses
Now we can not even get through
One phone call without
Being at each others
Throats

Can I
Crawl inside that coffin with you
Can you
Take me down with you
I don’t
Like being here anymore

Well,
There we go Dillan,
Another year passed us by and we were not together, I have not heard from you since April, and so soon
It will be a year since I’ve spoke to you
Do you still read these?
I doubt it, I sense how you have thought to cleanse yourself of whatever it was we did
But,
**** me if I don’t still think about you

I am mourning
Mourning that I won’t lay down
For you anymore

This year will be the hardest one
Because I’m replacing two with you

Hey Dill
I miss you

I had not even looked at anything for months
Then I wrote about you four days ago
It’s almost like I knew

Boys want this
And boys want that
Dress this way so you will get a boy
Sit up straight
Cross your legs
So the boy doesn’t think
You are trash
Wear pants
Don’t make eye contact
With the boy
He’ll
Eat you up
Won’t he
It’s his world
That’s what they tell you
But he’ll give you roses
He’ll love you
And they’ve taught him to be gentle
But somehow never cry
Because it’s your job
To be weak

Passion
Kissing
Glances
Touches filled with fire
I am on an island so
Far away from these things
I ******* over and over
Just like you **** me over and over
But then that’s different
Can’t let each other go
But it’s okay because there is nothing
Waiting for me over there
Nothing in the sea
Or somewhere else
I sit here with you
I tell myself it’s because I want to
Not because I don’t respect myself
I’ve heard you say this is
A dead end
Point blank
Straight down
It falls out of your mouth often
There will be no flowers or
Candle lit dinners
Even when we laugh
And spend sun up to sun down
Every day
Conversations go into the wee hours
Why do you bother asking me
Intimate things
Over and over and over
But you never called me beautiful
So atleast we have that
I’m on an island
So far from passion
Or the idea of someone telling me
“I can’t get
Enough of you”
Because I can’t breathe long enough
To get away from you
I tell myself that I do this to myself

Do you think of me as much as I
Think of you

I am tired of ***
What I crave is a kiss
Give me your lips
I want intimacy beyond words
Something special

I love you
And
As much as I’d like to
Hate you
All I want is the best
For you
I want you to be happy
I want you to know
I will always always
Love you

It doesnt matter who I want to be
I dont want to be me.

If you could see how starving I am
You would love me

I can’t decide if
Everyone was right
About us being crazy
Or if we really
Loved each other
I sometimes remember that first night with you
Things were good for just me and you

An ache so deep that
There are no more words
You begin to feel like
You’ll never meet anyone again
Constantly comparing everyone
To all of the good in you

I hope everytime you give her a little piece of what you never gave me
You question yourself
You think of me
You think of my pain
I hope you try to justify it but it constantly falls through
How do you sleep at night replacing what we had

****
I wish it were me
Instead of her
I love you so much

I feel nothing
I feel so far away
And then I think of your sheets
And your bed
And your skin
And the walls at night
Sliding in out of bed
All next to you
I can smell you

She’s there now
I wonder if sometimes
When her back is turned
Does she look like me
And that’s what you wanted

I am under your finger tips
Trembling for you
Your name escapes my lips

I still have trouble
Believing
Every moment
Every warm moment
Wrapped in ecstasy
They were all
Lies