Today
I miss you
I open my eyes
And
I
Miss
You

*******.

I love him so much

Depression peeking as the sun recedes more frequently; I am trying to stand on my own, trying to make my own home.

Buy me a ******* ticket, I want to leave.

But I want to take him with me.

But I love you.

Then I remember it's all not me; my whole life is a mirage with me in between in the desert.

I hate my brain, I hate my pain, I hate the way I want to stay ******* sane.

If you take the time
To read this
If you ever
Check this again


I want you to know
I hate you
For all the pain you have caused me
No explanation
No goodbye
I will always remember this
I am worth so much more
I was a fool for trusting you
It’s even worse that you were glad I did
I want you to know
Everything you said
Every word
Every drop
I believe it was a lie now
You are the worst kind of person
I’m glad I dodged the bullet
How could you hurt me
How could you do this to me 3 times
How could I let you
I want you to know
I dont want to see you
Or anything about your life
Please
I love you so much
And now I need need to hate you
I want you to know
This wasn’t easier

“That’s life
Why would
It change now”
- still woozy

Day in
Day out
Day in
Day out
Day in
Day out

I want to lay down in between blades of grass
I want to be as small
I dont want to see spend my life
Working
Working
Living in between

Day in
Day out
Day in
Day out
Day in
Day out
Day in
Day out

Give me a sign
That you feel this way too
But deep down
Nothing need be said
I know the truth
About me and you
Love love love

You know how it feels without me
How can you live with this
Don’t you miss my voice
Don’t you miss my laugh
I miss you
I get so lost in you
Please
Please
Don’t tell me I’ll
Never
Feel like you made me feel
Again

I feel selfish
For saying
I deserve more
I deserve better

The only man
Who never called me names
Just stayed by my side
And celebrated

What’s it like
To be
Serene

Bone breaking,
Aching,
Loneliness,
It’s the marrow in your bones now,
Seeping out,
When they crack open

Here we are
Trying to love each other
The way the people in the
Picture inserts
Looked like
They loved each other

When would we admit it to ourselves
When will you let me be free?

Do you think I’ll be better
Better ever?
I am afraid of death
and dying.
Nothing, is a deep leap to hop into.
Nothing.
I’ve never been fond of heights.
Will I make it to 30?
Do you think I’ll ever be better?
Can I be better ever?
I want to be normal
I’m tired
I could use a rest
I want to be like the rest
I am afraid of death
And dying.
Do you think I will ever get better?

I don’t need him
He don’t need me
And we find each other beneath
Raw sheets
Please answer me
I say
Why would it be that way
He say
But he never calls
The next day

I dont care what time you come home tonight

Or if you call me

My heart knows that you

Lie

Lie

Lie

You are a liar

So he is as gentle as the sun

Gentle rising

Gentle setting

And how you loved to watch him rise up

Just as you liked watching him go down

So you say
I have the moon
Well I simply dont believe

Well,
There we go Dillan,
Another year passed us by and we were not together, I have not heard from you since April, and so soon
It will be a year since I’ve spoke to you
Do you still read these?
I doubt it, I sense how you have thought to cleanse yourself of whatever it was we did
But,
**** me if I don’t still think about you

One time
I knew real love
It tasted sweet
And free

But it will
Never ever
Be

I will be dust beneath your feet
Before he and I
Meet

Im so clueless
I went back and read our messages in ‘23
I think I was oblivious
So oblivious
To you trying to hang out with me

Hear ye
Hear ye
Two sham marriages
Instead of one happy one

I couldn’t find meaning in
Mirror
So I looked for it
In his eyes
A stranger
Doomed when I was
Let down
Because I didn’t find
My worth inside of there

My hopeless shot in the dark
A cry for help
So hard to love
Because I couldn’t love myself

How are you there
And I’m here
And why
Why do you want it this way

Almost 12 am
I am reminiscing over every conversation we had
I saved them all
Sometimes when I miss you enough
I read them over and over
From the beginning
Like a movie of time being played out
Between us
When I see them enough
I feel like I’m near you
In that space where we were once
So so close
Almost like a Time Machine
I can’t figure out how it all happened so fast
you are like grasping at steam as it floats away
I can feel the wet heat in my hands
How can I be near you again  
I’m waiting for steam to rise, turn into rain, and wash over me

I’m reeling between these messages
Because I know
Somewhere between our favorite shows
And books
And I miss yous
That there is a deep deep love

I sat here wishing I could get to know you
Already assuming you wanted to know me

I’d say I don’t care about you anymore
But what am I supposed to do
We built this whole life
Together
We made a life
Together

Now I’m building it apart
Stranger through the
Looking glass
And that’s who you are
Why didnt you tell me

And in the thick of the dark night blanketing over us, as I laid there next to him, he said “I can usually always tell”
“with this person I was a little confused, with this other person I was also a little confused, usually there is always some moment where I can tell, but with you I can see no difference, no confusion”
Those words sat in my chest and permeated through me, like hot Texas heat taking up every inch of your body, baking.

I feel nothing
I feel so far away
And then I think of your sheets
And your bed
And your skin
And the walls at night
Sliding in out of bed
All next to you
I can smell you

She’s there now
I wonder if sometimes
When her back is turned
Does she look like me
And that’s what you wanted

Today
I hope you and her
Drive each other
Bat **** crazy
I hope even in small happiness
There is emptiness
Today I am wishing
You get everything you deserve

Right people
Wrong place
Wrong time
Wrong universe
But I love you
Still

Up late
And I ache for you
I think of you
I think of you

I could have
Been
Good enough

I will always
Love you
Enough

I stared at my phone today,
Thinking I might call you,
But I never did
I’m too scared

I am never ready
For the feeling that
My body is too heavy
To pick up

The feeling that
I’m not steady

Hey Dill
I miss you

A hopeless romantic thinks they will crumble when their soulmate builds a life with someone else
But a logical person knows we can survive this, if we push on
And that suffering can be so much worse
Do you think if you couldn’t see the sunrise anymore
You would still miss it
Or wouldn’t it just become your new normal

You can hold something empty
But it’s still empty

I hope when you wash your hair
Fleeting moments radiate through the air
Your hand up my thigh
A passionate kiss
I hope they never leave your head
I hope you wish and wish
That she were me
And you realize
You let me be

Give me one day of peace
One day where you don’t
Cross my mind

Who are we
But
Grains of eroded rock
Sand
On an even larger rock

No buildings
Out of bone
Though

I can beat you
At your own
Little game
Happy family
Happy life
Who can be happier without the other
Why are we doing this
Come back home

Please
He said
Stop calling me

I am this close
To paying the 36 dollars
To change my number

His words played
Over and over and over

I just missed you
I missed you
So much I can’t breathe

Don’t you miss me
Isn’t it unbearable
How are you happy
Can I be happy too
Please
Can I be happy too

Lie in your bed
Alone but
Never alone
Lie in it

He made his bed
And he should lie in it
Without me

He can’t be in the middle
Me
Her
Me
Her

Why can I ever ******* be enough?

If he loves you he’d be here
If he loves you he’d of stayed
That is what they all say

I don’t want to be in anyone’s way
I don’t want to stay
Here
There
Anywhere

So I’ll crumple
And crawl underneath your feet
Step on me
Step on me

Was I light reading for the morning
Was I even that anymore
Or did you just erase me
Get rid of me

I
*******
Miss you

And
I just want to feel
Your fingers against mine

Please

Just enough to miss
But never enough to stay

“I love her more than ever now”
“When you call it goes through silently”
I keep reading them
Over
And
Over
And
Over

I’m glad I could help you
Find yourself