I catch myself
Going back in time
Let’s have that baby
Let’s go get married

His eyes are like honey
But he tells me I’m the only one
To ever say that

And he makes me feel like
I could lay down
And rest awhile
Lying down in the sun
Eyes closed
Heat radiating
Easy
Like a hot summer day

I continue talking about you in the past tense
Why do you keep talking about him like he’s dead
They ask me
Because to me he is
I reply
Everyone keeps moving about their tasks

It’s already been four almost five years
Isn’t that crazy
And through this ocean of change
I can still see your eyes in my mind
They make me feel free

Some things neednt be said
They stand the way ancient trees do
Just like the way
I love you

I wish I had
A little more
Time to choose

Forgive me, I forgot the meaning

Of the word

When every promise I received,

Even the ones wrapped in shiny paper,

Were empty.

Sadness usually consumes me
At some point
It’s like I’ve been running a marathon
Things are getting personal
But I can clear my mind
If I try hard enough
I only get sad
Sometimes
You can’t say that out loud though
People start to worry
It’s days like that I wish
We all just said what’s on our minds
I’m ******* miserable
How about you
Maybe miserable as well
I start thinking
Why aren’t people more honest
Why does honesty terrify them
So much

I am not supposed to be here
I am supposed to be with you
So please make it quick
Take me with you

Silly when I think
Or feel
Like this isn’t
The inevitable end
But I know in my heart
I’ll never hear you again
“Hey dood”
Waiting for you to call
Checking the mail to see if you wrote
Checking here for messages
Why can’t I give you up

It has to mean something
That we think of each other
At the same time of day

And if you aren’t careful
Love will eat you up

I keep waiting
Patiently waiting
For him
To be aching
And feigning for me
Waiting for when he decides
He cannot get enough of me

I’ll turn to dust
Before my dreams turn to
Stone

In some other universe
It’s a spring wedding
Or maybe it’s in fall
We move into a place
Where our kids can stay
And our life is full of love
And laughter
And music and food and travel
I miss you

Do you think I’ll be better
Better ever?
I am afraid of death
and dying.
Nothing, is a deep leap to hop into.
Nothing.
I’ve never been fond of heights.
Will I make it to 30?
Do you think I’ll ever be better?
Can I be better ever?
I want to be normal
I’m tired
I could use a rest
I want to be like the rest
I am afraid of death
And dying.
Do you think I will ever get better?

Dillan, I can’t stop thinking about you
I just want to hear from you

Emptiness
Dryness
Fills up these lines
More than passion has
In the last
Two years
I’m on my own
Wandering the dessert again

Sometimes
Sometimes I miss you so much
That I think I’m not gonna make it
I don’t know how I’m gonna
Get through that day without talking to you
But then I do
And the sun rises
And the sun falls
Somehow I keep doing it all

I crave the security
In the foundation never placed
Here’s your hard hat kid
And your concrete
Do it all yourself
Lay it all yourself

I crave security

Just came by to say
I miss you again

I say
I will miss you
And every single time
You look away
Check out that picture
You say
But I will miss you

Though the setting may change

The background remains the same

String me along
Like little fine white pearls
Clacking against each other
Each impactful time your
Fingers slide me down the thread

Today I don't want to open my eyes
But I do
And the world still remains the same as if I never had

If you were my girlfriend
I would have treated you better
That’s what he said
It’s a good thing I’m not
And we just live together
And sleep together
And eat dinner together

I can’t remember anymore
What is it like
When someone can not
Keep their lips from yours
I am lonely and it’s late
That’s the only reason I care
I am numb
Over and over
I feel nothing

The only time
Any man saw me
Was with
Eyes closed
Hands open

Have you ever been in love?
It eats you
It consumes your body
Toes to head
Wildfire takes over
And it burns you up
How did you exist without
That’s what you will ask yourself
Have you ever been in love?

It’s five am and I’m thinking about
How I use to be sad if you departed
without giving me kisses
Now we can not even get through
One phone call without
Being at each others
Throats

We are
Just flesh and bone
But you
You are the sun on my skin

Hear ye
Hear ye
Two sham marriages
Instead of one happy one

And do you think
When you move
You’ll think of me
Staring over breathless
Horizons
Will you wish
You could share it
With me
And when your drunk
And you are lonely,
And you find
Some girl in your bed,
Will I be in your head?
Will you think of how
I fit into you
And how you fit into me?

Can I
Crawl inside that coffin with you
Can you
Take me down with you
I don’t
Like being here anymore

Somedays
I feel too pretty for you
And others
I crawl beneath your shoes
And ask you to
Step on me

Give me a sign
Let me know
You are listening to me
Please
I won’t say anything

I was ready to be done now
And I never wanted to be ready again
Ready to be ready
And not done
I’m tired of them
Putting their hands
And words all over me
I’d rather be alone
They take up my time
To be free

Well,
There we go Dillan,
Another year passed us by and we were not together, I have not heard from you since April, and so soon
It will be a year since I’ve spoke to you
Do you still read these?
I doubt it, I sense how you have thought to cleanse yourself of whatever it was we did
But,
**** me if I don’t still think about you

Sometimes
I sit here in the silent moments
And I live in the mornings
I could have shared with you
Coffee and jazz

But that wasn’t for us
Was it

Hey Dill
I miss you

We never have funerals for love
Love dies too

I had not even looked at anything for months
Then I wrote about you four days ago
It’s almost like I knew

I can’t decide if
Everyone was right
About us being crazy
Or if we really
Loved each other
I sometimes remember that first night with you
Things were good for just me and you

I’m begging you to find
The time
To call me

I love him so much

Today I miss you
Tomorrow I might not think of you again
It’s been on and off lately
Which is much better than always on
I love you
I miss you
I miss the way you were always there
Small moments are the ones I never reveled in enough
Even though I thought I was soaking them up
I find myself staring in the mirror
I hope we meet in another life Bryce
And I hope we get to do it right in that one
The love I have for you is enough to bring me to my knees when I close my eyes

I am under your finger tips
Trembling for you
Your name escapes my lips

I like you
Ok
Is that what you
Wanted to hear

Yes
Yes
Yes

Dillan
I miss you today
I miss you every day

Boys don’t ride on horses
Or speak carefully
Boys break bones
And they
Bellow with rage
Guttural scream
Boys are not gentle
They do not smell
Of cream

I
Have
A hundred pictures of the sun
And the paint it spreads
Across the sky

And you
You don’t even look up
You don’t even notice