I could be half way around the world
Looking at the most breath taking things
And then it hits me like a train
I miss you so much
It makes me ache

Silent moves
Make me
Move beneath me
Hot breath
Flickering like fire
Feel the flames
Devour you whole
And enter your soul

Hey
What are you having for dinner today
How have your days been
How have your weeks been
The months?
I just called to talk to your voicemail
I miss you

Hey Dill
I miss you

I miss you today
I miss you every day
I love you and I say it out loud to myself sometimes
Growing up makes me want to put sticks in my eyes
Because it should all be easier than this
It should be easier for me to see you
And I wish we could go back
To the camper
Sitting outside
Talking for hours
But this time instead of being an idiot
I would go to the back with you
Lay down in the room
I really love you man and I miss you
And I miss you I miss you I miss you
The more I say it, I’m just trying to drill it in
I hope you can hear it

Loving you is like faith
I can’t see you, hear you, smell you
But I know you are all around me
I wake up and feel you enveloping my space
I wish you knew how much I endlessly and eternally loved you

His words were warm
Like a dollop of hot butter
Sliding down a stack of pancakes

I hate his stupid smile,
I hate his stupid face.

I loved him
I loved him
And I wished so badly
It was felt even in
The fibers in the leaves
Of all the trees

I’m reeling between these messages
Because I know
Somewhere between our favorite shows
And books
And I miss yous
That there is a deep deep love

I just came here to say
I love you

Call me
Call me and I’ll answer
Just like I always have
Call me

And if my poetry proves anything
Let it be proof
That I haven’t ever stopped loving you
Since I laid my eyes on you again

Dont put your hands on me

Unless I asked you to make me

Weak to my knees

Dont put your hands on me

Intrepid followers
For
The blameless god of love
Giving their hearts for sacrifice
For their chance
To be eaten up

My new doctor asks me, I see you have a history of depression, are you currently depressed or on medications?
I don’t struggle with depression
And as the lie escapes my mouth, I’m confused on why I would say that
I say I was sad for a year when I lost my job
But this is also a lie
I don’t know why I don’t tell her about the sadness that has been looming since 14
Or how hard it is to stand up sometimes, that it feels like my bones are stones made of the earth dragging me back where they belong
I don’t tell her that it’s harder for me than it is everyone else to stay consistent and on top of things
And maybe the answer is because for the last few months-
I have been good
Why speak anything else into existence
It felt like as long as ignored the fact that I couldn’t help slipping under every few months
That things would be okay
That I was a woman living her life without depression
But I know this isn’t true
An ache twinges inside me

I miss you
In a way so deep
It’s woven into me
It has its fingers so deep in my soul
I yearn and yearn for you
I wonder when we will
Run into each other
Again

That’s it
Isn’t it
I’m here
You are there
And maybe in a few years I’ll see you again
But it’s unbearable to think of
It comes crashing down on me like a tidal wave
I could fall to my knees and
Beg god to hear your voice

I sat here wishing I could get to know you
Already assuming you wanted to know me

I didn’t want to be here
I didn’t want to be anywhere

Escaping in my head
Into every pair of eyes
I found
Myself
Lost in beauty
Lost in love

Focus, Focus
I couldn’t focus

House of cards - Radiohead

I open my eyes and
There you are in my mind
Can’t I please hold you again

I know you love me as much as I love you
It’s been years and there is no denying how much it feels like I’m missing you out of my life
You and I
We should be in each others spaces
I want to be able to see each others faces
I love you and I don’t care how much more anyone else says they love you
Because I love you beyond time and space
Beyond this flesh and these weak frail bones
You see I could wait
I can wait a year
Or even a hundred
Because our souls belong to each other
But **** *******
I want to see you again

I wonder why
Everytime you had a chance
You didn’t run home to me

Sometimes I think about how I have only been with people since you
To get over you, to move on with life
And yet
I wish in the small moments I had
I hadn’t been so caught up in everything else
To seize getting you back
Would you have seen me again? I never tried because I was thinking you’d say no.
I have not stopped loving you since I saw you again, not for one moment
Looking for you in everyone else, but it never comes close
I love you so much though I feel like I could be here forever and it’d be ok
I keep waiting and waiting for anything to fall back into place with you and I
It always comes back to you
You you you

I miss you so much
I’m begging so badly I would pull my heart out if you need
Give me a chance
Let me talk to you
Call me please
I can not stop thinking about you

The sun rises
And you think of me

-this is a fact of life-

Homesick when you are an adult is different
Home isn’t a place anymore
Somehow it becomes a person
And as I’m sure you were taught
At a very young age
Life isn’t fair
Sometimes you miss someone so much
You think you won’t make it through the day
But you do anyway, and you keep on
And on and on and on
Years pass
But there you are
Still remembering the smell of his linen
Pressed against your nose

Then I thought about how
You only make me cry
Bone breaking loneliness
Creeping all inside

I wish I knew
why you won’t
Talk to me

I wake up now and I forget
But sometimes, in the early hours
I wake up and I can’t understand how you are miles away laying next to her
I roll over and stare at the ceiling
The whir of the fan in the background
The popcorn of the ceiling being kissed by the dimmed lamp from the 90s that has a turn dial on it
I sigh and I think to myself
“Why do I have these miserable thoughts and he gets to be so happy”
And then I think
Maybe this is why I have these miserable thoughts
I cared far too much
And he never cared enough
It’s been a year now-
So it’s easier
The mornings and hours I spend on them now
Are few and far between

I’m begging you to find
The time
To call me

Life is ok
And then I remember
Here we are on the same earth
Getting older apart from each other
And God,
That’s gotta be a sin somewhere
I wonder if I get on my hands and knees
And pray
Will I get to be near you again
My soul is thirsty for only
Something
You
Can quench

I mourn for the girl who has become woman
I sort through old photos
She and I are the same
But her face has less wear and tear
No deep grooves
From furrows and smiles
This hangs around me
This air of bittersweet sorrow
How I longed to be her still
Naive, and unknowing

Small things only mattered now
We take pieces of ourselves for granted
I am telling you
When you lose chunks so big
A quiet night in
With small conversation
Is something special and dear to you
I wish I could give you my eyes
To see what I have seen

But then maybe
You'd just give them back to me
I think that's why most of the time
I would rather be asleep
Small things only mattered now.

If I could dial you now I would
A speed dial situation for sure
Remembering a voice is so strange
Isn’t it
I remember your life and the way you say certain phrases
There’s no one else I’d rather be having a full hearted conversation with
Don’t make me wait until
I’m a raisin the sun

I look for any way to speak to you
But there is nothing
Only what we have

And although I cannot
Hear, touch, taste, or see you
I am sure that your love for me exists

I don’t know what to do
I can’t stop thinking about you

So you say go

And the words crash to the floor like glass

So many pieces I cant pick up

Some weeks are harder than others
Some days, harder than other days
And most of the time I wonder
What it’s like to not be swimming against
my own current of thoughts in my brain

You remember passion is there
And then like a wave
It subsides
Leaving you
Marooned in reality
But I love you anyway
I love you fiercely right down to my bones

I love you
And I miss you
And I love you
They are synonymous

I love you so much it hurts
I fold back into myself
I fold over and over and over
Please let me hear your voice

And then
things go back to normal
regularly scheduled programming
Regular, every day
Mundane things
With the sharpness of a blade
I think about your hands
How big they are compared to mine
But these are seconds inside of
Large moments
-I will always miss you-

Almost 12 am
I am reminiscing over every conversation we had
I saved them all
Sometimes when I miss you enough
I read them over and over
From the beginning
Like a movie of time being played out
Between us
When I see them enough
I feel like I’m near you
In that space where we were once
So so close
Almost like a Time Machine
I can’t figure out how it all happened so fast
you are like grasping at steam as it floats away
I can feel the wet heat in my hands
How can I be near you again  
I’m waiting for steam to rise, turn into rain, and wash over me

Goodnight
Sleep tight
Don’t let
The bed bugs
Bite
I miss you
I love you

I catch myself
Going back in time
Let’s have that baby
Let’s go get married

I self destruct
5
4
3
2
1

I cannot live another eight years
without burying my face in your chest again
I understand what it means
To burn for someone
I’ve thought about it so much
Over and over and over again
I hope I see you again

I hope you are reading this
In fact I hope you save this
Sometimes I think about kissing you
I think about our bodies pressed against each other
Big hands gripping my thighs
It’s the first night I brought you back to my apartment
We are on the little couch
But it’s more than that
I think about how
Heaven
Met
Earth
In between
Our thighs