I dyed my hair so that I do not resemble my father anymore.

Reminder:
She loved me before her.

They'll be lucky
if I don't **** myself
after the month is over.

I sit and reminisce about
when you could've been mine.

i hope everyone knows
it's not because of them,
it has everything to do with
me.

And what if you did love me?
What would you think about those random texts
where I simply say, I love you?
Or when I hug you for a few minutes?
Or when I say I would date you?

It's funny because I always say,
"I'm just playing around"
or
"I don't love you like that."

Do you ever know that I'm kidding when I say those things?

Maybe you know there's truth to my words,
and you just don't say anything.

What if you did love me though?
What if your words meant exactly what I say?

What if you loved me?

The thought of her is like a boomerang,
it always comes back.

you may have lost her,
but you got me back.

I need a drink or two.
I need to make my feelings burn along with my throat.
Why do I feel this way?

I'm drunk and god, I miss you.

YOU SAY YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY BUT ALL HE WANTS IS HIS HANDS ALL OVER YOUR BODY YOU SAID IT YOURSELF AND ALL I CAN THINK OF IS ME WAITING FOR YOU AND YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO COME AROUND.

She knows the feeling.
She knows what it's like to kiss razors.
Little red lines dance across her arm.
Her eyes dream of tomorrow.
I can tell how badly she wants the pain to wear away.
I can tell how scared she is.


Don't worry darling,
I can hear you scream.

How did 9 months
feel like an eternity?

Who is she?

--You know, the girl that showed you love. The girl that touched you in ways hands couldn't. The girl who showed you that you have a life to live.

Who?

--The girl with the brown eyes and brown hair. The one with the smile that could end wars.

I have no idea who you're talking about.

--I can't believe you've forgotten.

Tell me about her.

--She was the one who showed you the light. She showed you that you were worth nothing but all the love in the world. She had these brown eyes. They were like tiny universes. Her hair, oh, it was wavy like the water at the beach. Oh, and she had this voice that even the Muses envied. Her smile…it was etched in your mind for so long, how have you forgotten?

She seems so lovely. I don't know I could have possibly forgotten her.

--Oh, how lovely she was. Do you want to know how you forgot her?

Yes, of course.

--She was erased, just like that, over one stupid thing. You lost her oh so long ago, but now she's gone. She ceases to exist..as far as you're concerned.

Is there anyway to get her back?
       
--Probably not.

I told her that every things been going smoothly,
that I'm okay.
The little red lines that run along my skin scream for another answer to give,
but I resisted.

The thoughts are clawing at the insides of my thighs,
waiting on that sweet release.
My wrist tries to whisper sweet nothings,
again, waiting for a release.
My head,
it's tangled with images that want to be real.
My nose yearns for that metal smell.
That smell that lingers from the sweat of my fingers
to the silver blade.
My ears wanting to hear the shredding of skin.
And the red,
the red blood that flows in my veins,
from underneath my meaningless skin.
I think,
maybe the ****** cuts that could dance upon my skin,
make the metallic smell linger in the air,
having my guts spilling out,
would be worth it.
But I think again,
and it's not.

i can't catch my breath

Would it be too much to ask for
if I asked just to drop dead?
Would it be selfish for me to say
"I don't want to live anymore?"
Would it be bad if I took a knife to my
throat and ended it all?
Would anyone even be sad
at all?

the calm
after the storm.

Now that I'm happy
the silence doesn't bring twisted thoughts
and
pencil sharpeners are used for things other than just the blade
and
the pills are nothing more than a friend
and
food is for eating                               h
and now,                                     g
now there's beauty.            i
There's beauty up     h
and down     l
                              o
                                       w.
those bad times were for just a moment,
but now there's a lifetime of happiness.

I've started to not care about school.
Copying homework left and right.
Cheating on tests
every
****
time.

And I can't bring myself to care.

Freshman year was
a time of change.
New school,
new faces,
new obsticles,
new feelings.

Freshman year was
6th hour math,
where I met you.

Freshman year was
a meeting,
a greeting,
a new start.

Sophomore year was
full of new feelings,
a new perspective.

Sophomore year was
a broken heart,
a disppointment.

Sophomore year was
experimentation,
a new feeling of love.

Sophomore year was
warm in your arms,
a safe haven with you.

Junior year is
scary,
a complete change.

Junior year is
mistakes made,
and loss of a loved one.

Junior year is
learning,
and forgiveness.

Junior year is
unsafe without you,
and a death sentence.

Senior year will be
terrifying,
choices that have to he made.

Senior year will be
breaking away from you,
taking the next step in our lives.



Our years together have and always will be
the best years
of my life.

He was in my dreams again,
some place I never wished him to be.

I woke up in a cold sweat,
tears in my eyes.

I've never met him,
but I'm terrified.

He's beautiful,
but he's not mine to touch.

I had never felt that before,
the feeling of complete euphoria.
I wasn't myself;
I wasn't in my own body.

2:30 AM and we snuck out,
went around the pond,
and the smoke poured into my lungs.

I was trembling,
a smile plastered across my face.
I laughed at every joke,
zoned out for a few seconds.

Eyes bloodshot,
pupils dilated.
Hungry as ****,
and happier than I've ever been.

I realized I was in love;
all I could think about was him.

I fell asleep,
best sleep of my life I might add.

I think I've found
a new escape.

I hated myself for what happened to us.
I always blamed myself.
I reminded myself daily that I was the reason you're gone.

But I'm starting to question;
maybe it wasn't me after all.

I believe everything happens for a reason.
Maybe we weren't meant to be together any longer,
maybe it wasn't meant to be.

If there's a god out there they would know what's right.
They would've not torn us apart.

She did not complete me, (simply because I complete myself),
but she gave me an outlet.
She gave me a light on the other side.
I would look at the smile on her face and think, "all of this is worth it."

But she's gone.
She's smiling at another,
drowning herself in love.
I'm okay with that.
I'm happy for her.
She deserves to be happy.

But
I just need one answer.

Why wasn't she happy with me?

I don't see how you can call be beautiful when I have
self-inflicted wounds dancing on my tarnished body.

How can you think a monster like me is worth it?

I just can't comprehend you wanting to be around me.
I'm just a ******-up kid trying to make it through.

We will both take that
commitment
of the
picture engraved into
our skin.

A pain that we caused to
each other,
on our own terms.

A way that you
can't forget me,
and I can never forget you.

When I'm old and gray,
I will be reminded of the
days where I was 16,
vulnerable and
stupid.
But a mistake
that I will never regret.

You will be on me
for the rest of my life.
Forever.
And ever.

I've lost the dark,
which destroyed my creativity.

I am infatuated with your being.

Will it happen again?

There's still a war inside of my mind,
and it just won't subside.

"There's more to that relationship, huh?"
My dearest grandmother,
I wish I could tell you the answer
to that question,
but I don't even know.

i feel unwanted and numb.

You turned me into someone
I never strived
to be.

it was always you,
and has always been you.

i wonder if you could ever love me again.

WHEN I HEARD ABOUT HIM MY STOMACH DROPPED AND MY TEARS STARTED TO FLOW AND I CLENCHED MY STOMACH AND REALIZED THAT LAST YEAR THAT COULD'VE BEEN ME.

I have a wave of nostalgia over me.
I'm finally remembering.

When we first became friends. You walked into english class and sat right next to me.

The first time I slept at your house, and you convinced me to wear a dress, but I didn't know how to put it on. You helped me in with no problem.

And that time I spent the night at your house. We read in bed together, and fell asleep. I woke up really thirsty and went to your kitchen to get some water, and you walked in very confused. We both laughed and went back to bed.

All those nights I spent in your arms.

How I loved when you would write poems about me,
and how I waited for them.

I pretended to not like you, because liking Zoe was so much easier.

I remember thinking I couldn't kiss you, because I didn't want to treat you the way your step-brother did.

When you bought me the infinity ring (which I still wear) and the ring that says "I refuse to sink."

When my wrist was filled with ****** cuts, you pulled me into the bathroom and kissed them. I held back tears.

I'm remembering,
but you're forgetting.

I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE THE FACT I'M DRAGGING MYSELF INTO ANOTHER BLACK HOLE WITH NEW WAYS OF DESTROYING MYSELF.


I THINK I'M SICK.

I wish I was hungover on her.

If I had a choice of how to die,
I'd chose for it to be on my own terms.

I wish I could cut myself
without feeling bad afterwards.

the more i cry for help,
the more stupid i feel.