It started outta curiosity
I started with one
Then doubled to 2
Then further doubled to 4
Then tripled to 12
Before I knew it I was puffing 20 a day
A drag here
A drag there
Waking up
Before going to bed
Before going to work
When taking a break during work
After coming home from work
After ***
When frustrated angry happy or high
Sometimes with alcohol and drugs
Sometimes in isolation
Sometimes with colleagues
Till I had felt a cigarette on my lips
I felt as if my day wasn't complete
But gradually the smoking started to take it's toll
My lips turned black
My lungs literally gave up
I was coughing
I was panting all the time
Couldn't think clearly
I would be irritated all the time
I lost friends 'coz of my rude behavior
My family isolated me
I was a nuisance at home
My hands would tremble
My body in a constant state of confusion
I had to visit visit the hospital several times
That's when I finally woke up
and realized that I needed to cut back a bit
It wasn't easy... Trust me
From chewing nicotine flavoured gums
To attending seminars on addiction
Joining rehab groups to yoga and then Finally to writing...
Today I'm down to 0 cigarettes a day.. Writing.. This is where I got my refuge... My sense of comfort and safety... Writing became a therapuetic process for me
It dragged me outta the abyss and showed me a light of hope and ressurection
Today after years of being a non smoker I appreciate writing even more

For the first time in my life I'm able to hear the songs of birds on an everyday basis...its so relaxing...the silence in general is so surreal and beautiful..and yet it's so scary and haunting...compared to the cacophony of a regular day....the past few days have been quite a contrast..One used to experience this kind of silence only during the post midnight phase...i've always looked for inspiration in isolation.. and it's genuinely helped me think better, get in touch with myself and get to know myself..the streets are just so empty...The Dogs seems to be the only wanderers now...at the grocery stores people look at one another with a strange sense of suspicion..frankly though it does feel weird...i don't blame them...masked up and gloves on their hands...They are taking all the precautions.. Though sometimes there's a whole a lot of pushing and panic and social distancing does take a backseat..The terraces of houses have of late become the new hangout spots for families.. i also must say that words don't suffice in expressing my gratitude to all the essential service providers in this time of crisis..all the medical people in particular...this World has been through many tough times.. This is probably one of the most challenging ones...
In lockdown mode
The world is fighting hard to be on the recovery road
It needs our support
Let's try and help it via our co-operation
It's looking towards us for inspiration
This is our chance to serve the World  
Let's make the most of it
Let's try and stay indoors as much as possible and fight the war
It'll be a tough battle
Our will and resolve will be tested
But if we do this then the reward will be soul satisfying

Dear Almighty.. Give us the strength and courage to fight this battle..Please guide us through this difficult phase.. The trauma and suffering all around just breaks my heart.. Please Dear God...help us.

My bond with Sadness is so strong now that I don't even need tears to communicate with it anymore
I don't have to cry to express or convey my feelings to it
It just senses and knows when I need it
And with every passing day our love only seems to be getting stronger

Music helps me live
Writing helps me breathe
Praying helps me survive

You can never truly love yourself unless you wholly accept yourself.

No one can and no one will ever know you like you do...you're acquainted with every single trait and facet of your personality...you know you're vulnerabilities and strengths..you know what works for you and what doesn't...so trust your instincts, work accordingly  and believe in yourself...sure listen to what meaningful people around you have to say...take the helpful and positive aspects from there and apply it to your own strategy and method of proceeding...this might not always give you immediate success but at least it will create a roadmap for it.

He hides his true self under the garb of non-violence
He is in reality a predator
He waits quietly
He waits patiently
Then as soon as he spots someone passing by
He pounces on him
Shreds him to pieces
And gobbles him up
Leaving no trace
Then very silently goes back under the garb of non-violence...
....pretending as if nothing has happened
...no wrong has been done
....no life has been murdered
I'm not sure as to what we call people like these
Nowadays we mostly know them as politicians

My dear love...
When I'm breathing my last
I want to be locked in your embrace
I want to feel your nourishing touch
...your breath filled with warmth and passion
I want to take in the aroma of your existence one last time
Then as my eyes begin to close gradually
Gently lay me on the bed
With a pillow under my head and sing me a soft lullaby
The sweetness of your voice and your illuminating presence will make even death seem beautiful

Of late the mind is disturbed
Sometimes I feel a bit perturbed
The heart is in pain
What's going on right now is truly insane
The threshold for injustice has been crossed a long time ago
It's alarming now.. It's no more a watchable show
If one can't question or debate
Then I guess from now on we have to address democracy as 'LATE'
The constant labelling and trolling
The abuses and the name calling
This hasn't and will not deter the fight
It may seem dark now but after darkness there's always light
And I'm still hopeful that amid all the barbarism, the violence and the clashes
Someday.. Democracy shall rise once again.. Like a Phoenix from the ashes
Dear Mr Fascist...you can threaten and impose a ban
But please don't underestimate the power of a common man

Can you hear the sound of my heartbeat?
Can you recognize the sound?
Can you identify the noise?
It's your name which my heart is screaming.
Every second my heart beats for you and deeply yearns for you.
I hope you listen to it someday

Of late i think there's something wrong with my heart..
...i'm starting to wonder if it's functioning properly
..'Coz the emotions i'm supposed to perceive, feel and convey seem to get lost in translation
I think perhaps the fact that it's remained idle for such a long time seems to have impaired it in some manner
I've got to stop listening to my **** brain all the time
And start paying some much deserved attention to my heart
F*...how could i've been so selfish???

Don't repeat your old mistakes..Analyse and learn from them but at the same don't be afraid to make new ones.

Sometimes when a relationship outgrows itself...its better to let go of it.  The first few days will hurt a lot but in time you realize that it was for the best. There are a lot of actions you will take in life that might not be pleasant but you still need to take them 'coz its the right thing to do.

Take me with you
Take me into your being... Your existence
Drown me in your love
Bathe me with your rage
Submerge me in your depths
Take me to that sweet spot.. Down at the very bottom of the sea bed
Where it's all dark and calm.
Where the mind is at peace
And the soul in a state of trance
All my worries and troubles going into oblivion
Take me to that place where no light reaches
Take me to those glaciers
Where the ice melts and the droplets of cold water tease the **** outta my senses
Take me to that place where the river meets the sea and they amalgamate into a different being
Take me to those dense dangerous forests
Where I can hear it all.. The sounds of life and death both at the same time
Take me to those desolate and harsh deserts..where I can experience both the warmth and coldness of Nature at its best
Take me to those graveyards.. Where I just sit among the dead and try and listen to their stories
Take me to those ruins.. Those desolate places of destruction.. Where I  keep realizing that one day I too shall crumble and perish.. So I better make the most of whatever little time I've left
Take me to those Rocky Mountains where I can greet the clouds up close
Take me to those Rocky arches.. Those magnificent pieces of architecture.. I just wanna witness their beauty one last time
Take me to the darkness outside the planet.. Where I float in zero gravity
Floating around without a care in the world... dying a most beautiful death

Sometimes I feel so out of place in this world
A world which passes quick judgements and labels everything... Its so ******* annoying.

Greed and ambition are not bad...but they should act as a positive
motivating force and not as a negative consuming force...think of it like this...Water under a boat is necessary and helpful but when the same water rises above the boat it becomes threatening and dangerous.

I twist and turn in my bed
I change the sheets
I change the pillows
I close the windows
I glance at the moon
I try listening to some soothing music
I close my eyes and start counting
I even try dreaming
I finally pop a pill
But no matter what I do tonight...
...It simply won't work
I've finally surrendered and awoken to this cruel realization that sleep is determined to desert me Tonite and by the looks of it(well it's around 4am)..I'd say it's been an absolute beat down for me...
Sleep it seems is upset with me at the moment
And truth be told...i have mistreated her on many occasions
So...Looks like its gonna take a fair amount of apologising and persuading to pacify her

Our lives are nothing but a series of boxes we have to fill and a series of boxes we have to empty...the challenging part here is the decision making...at times we are spoilt for choices while at times there is a dearth of choices.

Spending time with your wife and children is far more important than spending money on them.

Some people are so poor that the only thing they possess is money.

I've always had a secret crush on death
Always wondered what it would be like to meet her
I know that I will meet her someday
But since I'm married to life....
....my loyalty lies with her..
...so I'm gonna hold on to her till death do us part.
Life and I...We've had our moments...
We've fought...then made up.. And then fought again..
But on the whole I've cherished every single moment I've spent with her
She has taught me so much
She has shown me so many different facets of the world
She's been a great source of inspiration
I cannot be thankful enough to her for all her love and guidance
There were moments when I thought I'd lose her..
But she fought and stuck with me all thru the sufferings and the pain
I love u dear life.. I truly do
And I promise you whatever time we have left with each other...I'll give you the very best of me

Don't limit your challenges...challenge your limits.

Time saved is of no use if you don't use it.

Each and every time i close my eyes i think of you
Yes the you...the very you
The you who haunts me in my sleep
Visits me in my dreams
Teases my senses
Messes with my head
Plays with my hair
Whispers erotica in my ears
Leaves me twisting and turning in my sleep
And then leaves without a trace...
I'm yet to discover who you are
What u look like?
What u smell like?
What u taste like?
What u feel like?
And most of all who are u really?
Do u actually exist?
Or are u just a figment of my imagination ?
One of those crazy hallucinations
Someone too good to be true
Or are you some sort of futuristic vision?
Or some kind of premonition?
Well..whoever or whatever you are...
....u're certainly hellbent on depriving me of sleep!!!

All this while I thought that by running away I was managing to escape from my problems
It is only now that I've finally realized that I can never run away from my problems no matter how much I try....
....For I myself am the biggest problem...
It was me from the very beginning
Since I opened my eyes and witnessed all the craziness around me
Since the time I learnt to walk and talk and run and jump
It was me all along
How could I not see it???
I always kept blaming x, y and z for my issues
Never did it occur to me...
...not even once that I was the devil in disguise....
Oh!!! What a fool I've been!!!

I want a bond that is invisible
A bond that is beyond the physical
A pinch of the intellectual
Some traces of the emotional
Perhaps something a bit spiritual
Or may be a touch of the supernatural
A little bit of extra-terrestial
With a wee bit of the celestial
A bond which engulfs me till I merge with it
And we become one single entity
A bond which keeps me hooked on to it all the time
A bond which constantly arouses all of my senses
A bond that engages with me
A bond that challenges me
Where do I find such a bond???
Or is it that you're not supposed to search for this stuff???
It will come to you when it has to...
I'm quite confused here...
I've looked far and wide...
But can't quite seem to have encountered such an unique bond
I wonder if I'm asking for too much...
Is it possible to find a bond like this???

The only way to know what you're capable of is to try new things,  push your boundaries and challenge yourself.

I've had some of the greatest learnings of life from primarily 3 sources-
Women... Children... Nature

Women have taught me to be compassionate and resilient(among many other countless things)
Children have taught me to see beauty in ugliness..and not try and find meaning or sense in everything
Nature has taught me to strike that balance between serenity and rage

Books and the internet come a distant second.....

"If you're not prepared to work hard and fight it out....you don't deserve any luck."

Over the course of life i've found silence and patience to be very powerful weapons...they hardly seem to fail you... thing is you need to have the discipline to stick it.

The thing I love about the mirror is that it's so very trustworthy...it never lies..it never betrays...no matter what the time.. no matter what the place..it always shows you the true picture...i wish people were like this.....

After all these years you say you don't want to be with me 'coz you don't know me well enough...What I am as a person..what are my likes and dislikes...what are my desires......
I just have this one small question...
.... "how would you expect to know a person when you don't even make the effort?"

Although it's a bit unfair to choose between parents...ive always found my heart to be strongly biased towards my mom...and the reason for that I think is this... Among all the  people who have known me or have come to know me...no one understands or has been able to understand me quite as well as she does...its like she can feel every beat of my heart...and I guess that's what makes mothers so special..I deeply regret the times I've mistreated her.. The times I've misspoken to her...i wish I could go back in time and change those moments...I want to give her nothing save for joy and happiness for as long as I live.

It's the beginning of summer
And with it the beginning of many new memories and experiences
Winter has had its share of those
But they are dead and buried now
Some were beautiful...
Some grotesque....
Spring was pretty quiet and lowkey
I'm hoping monsoon really gets the ball rolling...
Last year a bit of a lull as compared to the year before..
I'm hoping this year(if I can make it till the end)..gives me a surplus..
Perhaps a change of relationship status
Or may be a promotion at work
Or it could be good health
Or just freaking peace of mind... That'll do just fine...

I wish you all the luck for all your future endeavours
It's a pity it didn't work out between us
May be it wasn't meant to be
I have this one last parting wish
...i want to taste your lips one final time
...i don't need a plateful
just a wee bit will do...
You see its been quite a while since I've felt ur lips brush against mine
And i can't quite seem to recall ur taste
Was it vanilla or strawberry?
Or was it more lemony?
Or perhaps a bit chocolatey?
.....Since I won't be tasting them no more...
Let's just kiss and relive the good memories...one final time

You're like the glimpse of the sun on a cloudy day
You give hope
As long you're there my heart makes hay
My sadness is at bay
And then when you disappear it's all doom and gloom again
Why do you keep doing such things?
When I'm loving you...you go away
And when I'm trying to erase your memories...you come back
You don't let me forget you
And neither do you let me move on
Stop teasing me this way
It's either a yes or no
Don't leave me hanging in the middle
I'm not an object to be played with
I've been through this a lot
My heart can't take it no more
All that bruising and battering has left it quite sore
So just make up your mind...
...and lay out the truth for me
What is it that you want???
What does your heart desire???

Never shut out hope from your life...'coz when you shut out hope you basically shut out life.. Life is hope and hope is life.. They are interdependent...they need each other...one can't exist without the other.

Keeping a grudge is easy... it's the forgiveness part that's difficult. I have tried and failed countless times... but i'm determined to succeed..i don't wish to keep no more grudges.. coz all a grudge a does is that it keeps feeding on your soul like an agitated ant.

I can't imagine my existence as a living being without you
'Coz without you i'm no longer a 'he'... I become an 'it'...
Since the day you left
....i have a body
But there is no more a soul
It died as you left
Took with it every single joyful memory
And left me with depressing and tearful remains
I lost my sense of idenity
I don't feel a sense of belonging no more
Loneliness rapes me regularly
I try to put up a fight
But eventually it always seems to overpower me
Darkness now has become my new friend
The lights just **** now
I'm still trying to figure as to which of the following three was the reason for the disaster that was our relationship....
Was I not good enough for you???
Or were you too good for me???
Or was I just ******* delusional???
I can only speculate...
But i guess I'll never know.....

To heal yourself you must face your fear...
To make peace with yourself you must first make peace with those to whom you are dear
Love ambition.. But also keep a safe distance.. Never come too near
Smile and be positive..but once in a while do taste a tear.......

The basic difference between a kid and a grown up-

A kid always feels more than he thinks while with an adult it's the complete opposite...most of the times he is either looking way behind or way ahead...constantly analyzing and planning..very seldom does he live in the present.

From yesterday to today
In a span of 24 hours...my dear self
we've come a long way
We still have miles to travel
Countless destinations await us
So many strangers destined to meet us
Over the past few years...much has happened..
From crazy love to brutal heartbreaks we've seen it all...
From mountains to deserts to villages to cities
Sometimes watching the sun set in the desert sky
Sometimes dancing and singing with bedouins
Sometimes passing through the most picturesque of villages
From scaling snow capped mountains
To skinny dipping in the cold water bodies
Trying perhaps in vain to decipher life
Honestly I've stopped all this ******* now
What's my purpose here? ..how does it matter?
All I know is that as a person I have to try and be the best I can be...
So my dear self...it's a new day...it's a new show
Once again here we go......

As a writer you gotta accept a simple truth...there will be days when the pen wins while there will be days when the page triumphs.

There's a certain amount of beauty attached to failure..i mean sure it ain't drop dead gorgeous!!!...but you can't call it outright ugly either...it teaches you like anything man...the more you spend time with it you start to realize that there is so much more to life than just success or achievements....it's about trying and experiencing something new...savouring the different flavours life offers you...and every time you fail you just learn so much and you pick up new things...it actually provides you an opportunity of assessing yourself...how you deal with it..and how you prepare to tackle it the next time around...it's an incredible eye opener as well...'coz it never lies...it tells you pretty directly as to where you stand and what you need to do.

Love means complete acceptance of a person....this means accepting both the goodness as well as the bad qualities of that person...these two qualities make up a person and are inseparable..you can't love the goodness and absolutely hate the bad part...then that can't be love...love doesn't have any terms or conditions.

You know what's worse than someone deceiving or cheating you...the realization that you should've been able to identify and see through that person..and you failed to do so...'coz you let trust blind you...even though you trust someone..that is no reason to relax and take it easy...always be vigilant...the person who cheats you could be anyone...even those who are closest to your heart.

Speak and question
Don't keep your lips sealed
You will gain nothing from it
Rather you will come to regret it
Suffocations over a long period of time often results in ailments and at times even tragedies

Some days you taste like chocolate...dark and luscious..the perfect mix of sweetness and bitterness
Somedays you taste like strawberries...fraught with cream..you are quite the sinful delight
Somedays you taste like mangoes...full of juicy sweetness
Somedays you taste like oranges..tangy and hard-hitting
Somedays you taste like a Chicago deep dish pizza...crusty, delicious and filling
Somedays you're like my favourite cheese burger...the more i bite..the more you melt into my senses...and i surrender myself to you
Somedays you taste like coffee.....bitter and powerful
Of late though you taste a lot like vanilla...your intoxicating aroma...your texture..your incredible flavours..they all just tease my senses and drive me crazy...the more i taste..the more i want..like a drug or an aphrodisiac..with every bit of you on myself i can feel myself coming repeatedly...

In life it doesn't matter to me whether i'm moving at a slow pace or at a fast pace...as long as i'm moving..i'm good.

A life filled with struggles is still better than a life filled with regrets.

"One minute i held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And i realized that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand.....

-Coldplay