I find myself wondering what my mother
expected to get when she
decided to have a second child.
There were undoubtedly
some preconceived notions
of what her daughter would be like.
I’m sure she pictured a graceful beauty
with an attractive smile and a gentle demeanor—
deep, dark brown hair like her own.

Sorry, Mom.

You had to settle for
a uncouth ball of tangled ambition,
the stubborn, imaginative smart ***
you never knew you could want—
who will overthink this enough
to form it into words.

At least you can say
you got the hair right.

Will you follow me into the woods?
Leave your mind behind?
Dance with the falling leaves?
Attach you hand to mine?

And once I've lured you through the slew of trees
And pointed out those honey bees
Then forced you down on your knees
Will you regret the decisions you've made?

I'll tell you you're a filthy girl
Say you make me want to hurl
And then force myself into you
No questions asked

Take away your sweet endeavors
Get my fill of hostile pleasures
All this time you've known me I've been masked

With your innocence I'll take your self control
Controlling someone was my goal
No worries you'll be an addict soon enough
Because a thrill like mine is hard to beat
And the taste of victory is often sweet
Though, you'll always feel a slight defeat

I never knew that my
Deepest
Darkest
And dirtiest sin
Would attract someone so new
And so kind
Who knew
That someone could view my actions
In a different light
Calling it romantic
And selfless
I am suddenly understood
And it's such a nice surprise
To make a new friend
Or more
With someone
Who seems to genuinely
Want, care, and need me

B A N G
You hear the slam of the front door and flinch because
The worst and best woman in the world
Is home.
6:04
The question is,
Four minutes late which person will she be tonight?

Fast forward
10:04
And her blurred english runs with the fourth glass
Of jack daniels that night.
You try to stay out of it,
But soon,
M and her are screaming.
Unseen,
You escape carfully,
Quietly
Fearfully
To your room,
Its always best to wait out a storm.
S L A P*
And you can hear fist connecting with jaw
What next.

11:04
You hear
Him try to stop her,
But
Every
Single
Time
Its too late, no use.

11:33
You call me.
Its not uncommon for me to get these texts:
Hey. Sorry its late. Im coming over.*
And you creep out of your home in the dark
And crawl to mine.
My mother always questions the
Black under your eyes,
The blue of your lips,
The purple of your jaw.

Is a house really a home when
You're completely alone?

Why cant I
hold her hand forever?
Why cant I?

If fate is so fierce
I don't know how to hope
What if one night,
it robs my daughter
and steals my sight, the morning after?
What if as ashes I fall
and my aimless quest has to wither?
What if my power to love wanes
and the kindred ability to suffer?

Fate has to answer
Fate can't be,
in itself an answer
For then life
is just a movie yet to buffer

Blame me please,
sentence me please,
for no words shall be sweeter
Gift a few dry words
to the broken man in waters
If my cries are too faint,
I shall gladly cry louder

But please answer,

Why cant I
hold her hand forever?