The leaves keep falling
as if its their daily routine.
When will it stop?
Fall isn't my favorite season,
for I always see the beautiful scenario caused by the leaves
that have fallen from breaking apart.

it was the very definition of "peaceful"
everything was in place
time, weather, us, music
clock ticks as if it's in tune with the moment

it was lunch time, eleven shown in the clock
your stories, funny and calm as i listen
your laugh, it's healing to me
your voice, i couldn't quite get enough of
your attention, made the time perfect as it passed by
well, "perfect" could be the other word to define it
and "thank you" would be the perfect response i could offer

but right now, all i could say is that
this moment, for sure,
the universe won't let me forget it.

does she cry?
she does.

does she wanna give up?
she does.

does she keep going?
she does.

just how many sorry
should i receive
to get what i deserve?

meaningless,
it's so ironic that this word has meaning while calling itself meaningless

but maybe that's how life is,
people move,
animals survive,
things innovate.

but for what?
some may say it's for convenience,
for a better world to live in.
but is the world getting better?

day by day, we lose purpose and we gain some at the same time,
life is ironic, and yet has its own system
that people live, to live
and people survive, to survive

I don't even know the purpose of this writing
but these words keep pouring
trying to make sense, but don't make sense at the same time.

people come, people go
we cry, we laugh, we feel
sometimes emptiness comes,
and we came to the age where people usually say that everything that's happening is normal.

are all of these normal?
or are we just getting used to these?

Every single one of us aren't born perfect.
Some may have more, some may have less.
But there will be no one who have enough, perfectly.

Imperfect is the word, but not exactly depicts the meaning of it.
No man is an island, as they say,
I understood it the way it should be understood.

We are all perfectly imperfect to someone.
An imperfectness in which we can belong to, we can match onto.
An imperfect person that makes every memory perfect.

what if i really love unconditionally?
what if, all the people that went through and is still in my life, i loved them dearly? like the love that “i’ll do anything for you.”
but i’m just held back by traumas. i’m held back by unhealthy patterns, like the lyric, “i’ve watched this movie before and i know the ending” kind of feeling.
i never really regretted every decision that i had, but it’s sad. it’s still making me sad.
that living in this earth, there was always no option for me to stay.
that staying will make me feel miserable.
that the decision of staying isn’t exactly what i feel like i should do.
and it *****, you know? because i’m so tired, and i just really wanna have a constant in life. a constant in everything.
i do have friends who i treat as constants, and i firmly know that they’ll stay.
but i want someone to be my companion. that it’s more painful to let go than to hold on. that i have no choice but to stay. and that person will fight for me, for us.
the same way i’ll fight for us, too.

are you scared, little one?
uncertainties,
changes,
uncomforts,
life.

what did you feel when you read those words, little one?
fear,
pain,
scared,
running away.

we often get scared,
we often get scarred.

but at the end of the day,
those words will always be there,
haunting us,
affecting us,
stirring us.

let's have the pain be the building blocks of our strength, little one.
change is something that we need to embrace.

It’s funny how some of us have to meet a lot of lessons before we meet “the one.”
It’s also funny how some of us could meet our persons without having to meet some of lessons.
Let’s call them group one and group two, respectively.
Group one usually gets jealous as to how group two do not need to feel hurt multiple times just to meet their persons, their other halves.
Group two usually gets confused as to why group one cannot see what is wrong with what they are doing.
Both can love the same way, both can provide the effort the same way.
Where does it differ?
Group one usually can last for a very short period of time, and they do not see it as often; consistency, most of the time, is not in their vocabulary.
Group two, on the other hand, can last a lifetime. They already know the difference of respect, trust and love, and how those three work together. Without respect, there would be no trust. Without trust, love cannot survive alone.
When both group two meet, you could say it’s too good to be true, but it’s real.
When group one and group two meet, usually group one becomes a part of group two, and both of them can wholly respect, trust, and love for a long period of time. Rare cases of group one being so strong, and making the group two transfer to group one, is not a good outcome and eventually…
When both group one meet, it could cause destruction for both sides.
How can a group one person transfer to group two?
It’s the easiest thing to say but the hardest thing to do.
If you think you’re part of the group one, look at yourself. All parts of you, good and bad. Learn yourself, which parts are your best? Which parts are your worst? And love them all.
If you think you’re part of the group two, congratulations. You’ve been through a lot. You’ve suffered a lot. Good job on your inner work. I am so proud of you.

i have experienced darkness before

some darkness felt peaceful, that i can fall asleep
some darkness felt painful, that i nearly cut my bedsheets through my nails
some darkness felt sorrowful, that i feel like i have an infinite amount of tears i could produce
some darkness felt wrong, that i had been stuck in it for so long i forgot what is right
some darkness felt suffocating, that i barely remembered how to breathe

but the darkness that i'm most scared of
is the darkness of emptiness.
this darkness felt hollow,
i don't feel alive yet i'm moving
i don't feel anything, yet i'm strongly feeling everything
every agony, pain, joy, i feel them all strongly
yet i feel nothing at all
i feel like i want to scream, but there would be no sounds from within
i'm a ghost, in a human's body
and i don't know how long i'd be hollow.

this might be my silent call for help.

I went out today for a walk.
Dark clouds were looking down on me,
I know rain is coming.
All I could think on that moment was,
“I should’ve prepared an umbrella,
I only have my jacket on me.”
Looking at the dark clouds scared me.
It feels like it will devour me alive.
I felt the pour of drizzle on me as I expected the rain to come.
Just then, I noticed the dark clouds moving,
Moving away from where I was.
And on that moment, all I could think was,
“I never wear my jacket during walks,
Good thing I brought my jacket.”
As the dark clouds pass me by,
Eighteen thirty on the clock,
Blue sky was seen.
It was only a matter of time before I see the moon.

she’s always adjusting to what she feels about people.
she’s always trying to read the room, wherever she is,
not making her feelings and emotions her priority.
she’s good at making other people happy, listened to, cared for, and boosting their egos,
while forgetting herself in the process.
but she’s feeling that that will end now, quite.
she met someone,
that for the first time in her life, she completely,
wholly, absolutely, perfectly felt that she’s…
…a priority.
that she’s not alone.
that whatever she’s facing or about to face, she knows he’ll be there no matter what.
and it’s still unbelievable that there’s someone who’s as patient as him to wait for her,
to love her,
to understand her,
to care for her,
even when she’s the most complicated, unhealed, ill-tempered, capricious, and stubborn person that he’ll ever meet.

"He was never the type of a patient man.
He always gets annoyed whenever something goes wrong
Abruptly, as if he didn't plan well enough.
He was the type of guy who will immediately give up
To the thing he knows he can handle by tomorrow.
He was someone that is somehow slightly feared by anyone
Judging from the cold stares he had given to others
Whenever their opinion doesn't match with his principles.
He was the type of man that was logical enough to weigh things before acting on his own will.

Until he met this woman.

She was the opposite of him.
A tragic combination of mood swings, capricious traits, and a train of overflowing emotions.
Her temper change so quickly that it would be a disgrace to match it up with a horse running full speed.
She always seeks for attention and assurance as if talking 24 hours a day isn't enough.
She... She's a disaster and storm in one.

Though there is a thing that they are similar on,
She is also not the type of a patient woman.

Later that night, she thought to herself,
"Am I that hard of a person to understand?"
"Am I that hard to love, that even my family is so conscious of their acts towards me?"
"Am I that complicated?"

Until she met him.

He suddenly became so patient, not everyone could ever expect it to happen.
She was inspired by the patience he gave, that her unpredictable emotions gradually became stable, little by little,
As if being logical was something she's born with.
He carefully tried to understand every word she spouts, every mood she acts, and every situation she is under, just to let her know that he is always there.
She also became stronger, voicing out her feelings to the world, and realizing that no one would really understand her if she doesn't speak up.
He became so soft as a bunny, that his wolf-state back then went so far away,
So far away, a naked eye can't even see.
She calmed herself down.
He lowered his guard down.
But only just for her.

Another night has passed, and she thought to herself again,
"I won't ask how but,"
"No one could handle myself, like how he handles me."

Still curious, she said to herself,
"That's a first, I dare say,"
"And that's enough.""

i have experienced darkness before

some darkness felt peaceful, that i can fall asleep
some darkness felt painful, that i nearly cut my bedsheets through my nails
some darkness felt sorrowful, that i feel like i have infinite amount of tears i could produce
some darkness felt wrong, that i had been stuck in it for so long i forgot what was right
some darkness felt suffocating, that i barely remembered how to breathe

but the darkness that i am most scared of
is the darkness of emptiness
this darkness felt hollow,
i do not feel alive, yet i am moving
i do not feel anything, yet i am strongly feeling everything
every agony, pain, joy, i feel them all strongly
yet i feel nothing at all
i feel like i want to scream, but there would be no sounds from within
i am a ghost, in a human's body
and i do not know how long i would be hollow
this might be my silent call for help

Someday, we'll waltz together.

Ever feel like overthinking a lot of things?
Like at the end of the day,
You'll feel like, you're not for each other.

never thought i'll be wishing
to watch you sleep
being just centimeters away from you
rather than through cold screens

I'm more than okay feeling the pain of not forcing things, but still trying everything that one can give.
Rather than giving everything, while trying to force everything to happen and still feel the pain afterwards.
No one deserves pain but, pain is much more bearable if one can feel like they need to feel it.

His existence felt surreal.
Reading his name makes her heart want to get out of her chest.
His voice, it's her favorite.
She could listen to him speak, if forever is possible she would.
She could stare at his eyes, and it would make her feel like she traveled millions of galaxies.
Like she traveled to every planet, every country, every place that exists in this universe.
He's her dreamcatcher.
She couldn't help but smile at his presence despite all the problems and nightmares this world could offer.
It's like, smiling and laughing are the most natural things to do in this world every time she's with him.
He's her sea.
She got sick of the land, the sea calmed her.
Her hidden expressions, hidden thoughts... he could read her like a book.
It's too early to tell, and she has no idea how to support her claim, but for her, he's her soulmate.
The string that she thought is temporary, after all these years, was still intact.
It's a string that, she knew in herself, won't get cut off.
No matter the time, location, timing, and instance they were.
It's just... there.
And would just be there.
Strings that are connected, not tight, but secure.
And if words could describe why and how it happened, she would.

That girl carried pain and wore it like a jewelry.

I witnessed a specific type of bird today.
It was walking through the rocks in the sea, trying to mind and fight the waves.
All I was thinking was, "Can he do it?" not even keeping in mind if the bird has a destination.
"Will he do it?"
"Can he reach the end?" where the end isn't even known.
Then, when the bird reached the almost end of the rocks, I thought to myself, "Can he fly?"
Pure thoughts of hesitations and doubts flew into my mind.
And when the bird flew, I said to myself, "Oh, he can."
Which made me think, why did I doubt the bird that he can fly in the first place?

It is December 26, a day after Christmas. I am not even sure why I am writing this. I feel very uncomfortable, bored, contented, and happy all at the same time. I can say I am in a place of confusion yet certainty but I cannot explain in exact words how I feel about everything. I am inside a chaos, trying to build peace brick by brick but being ran on by some bulldozer that I cannot confront. Just not yet.

Out of all the unsure things I am having, there is one thing that I am sure about, exactly my feelings were sure last December 21. It is crazy how I still remember the exact date. I was running away from my feelings, and I just realized that I can only ever forget or move on from the person after I accepted everything.

So I will be writing this letter to you. I am not sure if there will ever be a chance that you will read this, but I will still pour all my feelings in this letter, hoping at some point in this letter, I might have translated these deep feelings to words towards you.

Hi. What an awkward way to greet. Our relationship started kind of confusing. We both know we had an effect on each other, and we are just cautious on how to start, due to some reasons we cannot name out loud. My first impressions of you were: you are nice, gentle, do not break other people's boundaries in the beginning and are very aware of people's needs and emotions. It made me curious about you, as those were the values I also have on a surface level.

I thought we can be friends. Just friends. But I realized later how impossible that seems to be. Months passed, and other people came into my life. I honestly thought I could move on from you, or just forget you if we will have a proper ending, and if those people were better enough to make me forget you. I was just fooling myself. Whenever I am with them, I always think of telling you how the date was, how I talked to them, or if they are a good person. You would also judge them if they were good for me or not. You were fully supportive to find the next good guy for me. I am not sure if I was happy back then or I was hurt. Either way, it was a strong emotion of mine that I could not understand.

There came a guy who I thought was strong enough to finally make me forget about you. Turns out, I still have a hard time ignoring you. I needed the help of some of my friends to fully ignore you, but to no luck. You still find your way to claim your place in my heart, and on no effort at that! You just do it effortlessly, like it is usual to do so. It is funny the same way as it is painful. I have never experienced a love like this. I cried for days, confused and never really truly putting a label on how much love I really have for you, not until last 21st.

A friend told me, one way to truly move on and forget is to truly accept what you feel, acknowledge them and it is up to the person if they were to act on it or not. The important thing is to acknowledge and accept. I have never thought about it that way, and I realized I was running away from how deep this feeling was. I gave myself a day to think about it, but I never really needed a day. All I needed was to break the wall I put on my feelings, and that was it. I got scared for a moment realizing how strong my love is for you, and smiled as to how I am honored to feel such a strong feeling.

Add to the list I wrote in the early paragraphs as to how I got curious about you, you are more. You have so much more positive traits that I love that I could not find from other people, yet you have so many negative traits that I could not ignore yet did not prevent me from loving you as much. You are nice, yet when you are tired you get cranky and boss people around. You are gentle yet when someone crossed your boundaries or messed with your principles, you get so stern and strict and I can see how black and white your personality is. You do not break other people's boundaries, yet when it is necessary to help them, you do. You are very aware of other people's needs and emotions, but most of the time you do not know how to deal with them. Being aware and knowing what to do after that is a problem I also deal with, that is why I understand. I actually love you more for just the fact of being aware. Not everyone can do that. You are rare. I always tell you that you are. I always tell you good things about you because that is also the one thing that I like about you. You have a small ego. You know who you are but you do not know how to brag. You are confident, yet humble. Too humble in a way that when I remind you of who you are, that is only when you will remember and you will feel confident again. You are the only person I like complimenting a lot, because you always forget. And I get happy when you remember who you are. You are organized, yet disheveled when stressed and everything is happening all at once. You are mannered, yet you also break your mannered self when you feel that it is safe and you will not be judged to not have etiquette at all. You are always two-in-one, and I am honored to know and to see both sides of you. It makes me love you more.

You are a person I will never have, but you will always have me. You once told me you felt how strong my love is, and all I can do is confirm. I love you, and hopefully this letter will make it feel all real, that it happened, if in the future I can read it again.

I am glad I knew you in this lifetime.

'emotions' are louder,
and stronger,
than 'thoughts'

people who can control the former are powerful
but,
people who can understand the former
are beyond comparable, and beyond powerful
and the world needs more of them.

"The pain is my only reminder that he was real,
that you all were."