O SAY CAN YOU SEE

by

TOD HOWARD HAWKS


For Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.


Chapter 1

"Would you like another one?," ask the waitress.

"Sure," said Charlie Cumberston.

The band was playing "MOOD INDIGO" then "STRANGE FRUIT."
Charlie loved jazz. He also loved baseball, which was why he also brought THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF BASEBALL with him to the Village Vanguard every night. And he was passionate about art.

The waitress brought back another Scotch and Soda.

"Thanks," said Charlie.

The Village Vanguard was his home every night since the CIA made him an offer he couldn't refuse.

"You simply know too much. If the wrong people find you, they'll want to know everything you know. If you don't cooperate, they'll stick a barrel of a gun into your mouth and pulled the trigger!"

Charlie had graduated from Columbia College, Columbia University in 1963. He wanted excitement and chose the CIA. He was smart as hell. He quickly ascended to the top tier and was sent to Saigon a year-and-a-half later. During the Tet Offensive in 1968, Charlie was severely wounded. That's when he met Anh, his nurse.

While sipping his Scotch and Soda, he picked up his THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF BASEBALL to read again about Willie Mays. Mickey Mantle, Ted Williams, Sandy Koufax and many others.

Now the band was playing TAKE FIVE followed by ROUND MIDNIGHT.

The waitress came again to Charlie's table again.

"Would you like another one?" she asked.

"Please," said Charlie.

This was how every evening went from 7 to midnight.

"It's time to go," said Sid.

Sid's job was to pick him up in the limousine at the Waldorf Astoria at 6:45, drive him to the Village Vanguard, then around 11:45 drive him back to the Waldorf. This was Sid's job, seven nights a week.

While he never got drunk from drinking too many Scotch and Sodas, the drinks always made Charlie a bit more than loose. As he entered the limousine, he nevertheless always thought of Anh.


Chapter 2

Sid picked up Charlie at 6:45 at the Waldorf and drove to the Village Voice. Even at 7 the place was packed, but that table, that same table, was always waiting for him.

"Good Evening," Charlie always said to the waitress.

"Would you like a Scotch and Soda?" said the waitress.

"Yes, please," said Charlie. Drinking Scotch and Sodas the rest of his life was better than being thrown into the East River from the Queensboro Bridge with a bullet hole in his forehead, thought Charlie.

The band was playing TAKE THE A TRAIN then MY FAVORITE THINGS.

But Charlie was thinking of a different trip, the trip to Saigon. The machine-gun fire he suffered during the Tet Offensive almost took his life. But Ahn, his nurse, saved his life. As the months passed, Charlie grew increasingly fond of her, and she of him, until fondness became love for both of them. But their love for each other was truncated a few weeks after his release from the Saigon hospital because the U.S. ARMY was going to send him back to the USA to to recover fully. But during those few weeks, Anh and Charlie made love, not only physically, but also spiritually, every nanosecond they could.

"Would you like another one?" said the waitress.

"Please," said Charlie.

The band was now playing SO WHAT then ALL BLUES.

Often, despite the music and drinks, Charlie would slide into memories of atrocities committed by U.S. armed forces during the Vietnam War, some in person, others written up by CIA personnel of which he was apart. The most infamous was the My Lai massacre.

On March 16, 1968, American soldiers brutally murdered in only 4 hours over 500 unarmed civilians including women, children, and old men in the village of My Lai in South Vietnam. American soldiers even took time out to eat lunch. The victims were *****, mutilated, and burned. William Calley, Jr. was convicted by court-marshal of the ****** of 22 unarmed South Vietnamese civilians. He was initially sentenced to life imprisonment with hard labor, then commuted to 20 years, then commuted to 10 years, then commuted to 3 years of house arrest by President Nixon.

"Body Count" became de rigueur. Civilians killed were added to the total of Viet Cong soldiers killed. Competitions were held between units to see which one killed the most Viet Cong. Rewards for the "winners" were days off or an extra case of beer. At this time, much of these activities went unreported, but not unnoticed.

"**** anything that moves!" That became the sine qua non of many commanders whose troops then carried out massacres in their area of operations.

Few war crime investigations were completed by the military at the
U.S. National Archives. The amount of munitions used by American soldiers was 26 times was greater than in WWII. America had unleashed the equivalent of 640 Hiroshima-sized atomic bombs on Vietnam. Two million civilian Vietnamese were killed and 5.3 million were injured. Far bloodier operations like "Speedy Express" should have been exposed but were hidden by the highest levels of the U.S. military. Years later, it was found that this operation killed 11,000 Viet Cong.

"Charlie....  Charlie, are you OK?," said the waitress as she placed the Scotch and Soda in front of him.

"O yes, I am. I was just ruminating," said Charlie.


Chapter 3

Charlie was dreaming about Anh. Would it not be heavenly to have her lying beside him? The Waldorf would not matter. It could be anywhere in the Cosmos. Her scent, her breathing, even the shadow of her lissome body against the large window would arouse him.

"Kiss me. Kiss me again," she would say in his dream. No more war. No more killing. No more massacres. Just love.

The moment Charlie saw her in the hospital, he fell in love with her. Though it took months for him to heal, it was Anh who healed him. Her smile, her touch, her just standing beside his bed made him heal more each day.

When Charlie was released from the hospital, Anh and he made love many times each night. Charlie remembered those nights again and again in his dreams. But when he learned he had to return to Langley and had to tell Anh, tears flowed, flowed so much it awakened him. Charlie had been crying while dreaming. He sat on the edge of his bed bawling for over an hour.


Chapter 4

Another day, another night Charlie had endured.

Sid picked him up at 6:45 and took him to the Village Vanguard. His table was waiting.

This routine lasted 5 more months, but on the night of May 4th, the improbable occurred.

Could it be true?, thought Charlie. Could it be real? What he saw across the room were two young women sitting at a table, one of whom he recognized. It was Anh.

Charlie's heart was pounding, his breathing a tsunami. He sat at his table declining Scotch and Sodas. He didn't recognize the tune the band was playing. He was in shock.

It took almost an hour for Charlie to recover. It was Anh. By now, he was sure of it. Finally, he got up from his table and walked slowly toward Anh. When he reached her table, he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you Anh?

Anh looked up and saw Charlie, then said "Aren't you Charlie?

Charlie said, "Yes."

Anh was stunned. Now two hearts were pounding, their breathings a torrid tornado.

Anh asked her girlfriend would she be okay if she left their table to speak to this gentleman.

"Of course," she said.

Anh and Charlie, therefore, walked to an empty table and sat down.

Anh said, "I thought I'd never see you again." "That's what I thought, too," said Charlie. "What are you doing in New York City?"

"I'm doing post-graduate study in nursing at NYU, but it's summer vacation. And you?"

"That's a long story, Anh," said Charlie.

"I'd like to hear your story," said Anh.

"Are you married?" asked Charlie.

"No, I'm not," said Anh. "Are you?"

"Neither am I," said Charlie. "You saved my life, Anh."

Charlie's remark pierced her heart. Anh's face flushed.

"I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. You healed me," said Charlie.

Charlie said he really wanted to tell her his story, but it would have to be in private. He told Anh he was staying at the Waldorf Astoria, room 719.

"Might you feel comfortable enough to spend the night with me?" said Charlie.

"I'd love to," said Anh.

Charlie's heart started pounding again.


Chapter 5

"Let me just hug you forever," said Charlie.

They just fell onto the bed fully clothed. The room was lit by the night's city lights.

"I couldn't tell you this when we first met. Though I wore a military uniform, the uniform was my cover. I worked at the highest level of the CIA in Saigon. During the Tet Offensive, I was severely wounded and met you when I was hospitalized. When I first met you--even before we first had spoken to each other--I had instantly fallen in love with you," said Charlie.

"Oh, Charlie!", said Anh as she first hugged him even more strongly, then gave him a long kiss.

The talked long into the night, about the past, about the present, about the future.

"T have an idea. First, I must adhere to the mandatory routine forced upon me; otherwise, I will be killed. The good news is that the routine is, in my opinion, lax. My routine is that Sid will pick me up at the Waldorf every evening at 6:45 and drive me to the Village Vanguard where I am to stay until closing time, which is midnight. Then Sid drives me back to the Waldorf. That's it. The way I see it is that from midnight to 6:45 pm the following day, I'm a free man. I've been doing this for years and I've never been checked on, Anh. Furthermore, I need to keep you safe. What do you think?" said Charlie.

"I think both of us will be safe," said Anh.

"If so, we would be able to spend the night together, as well as the rest of the following day, say until 4 pm," said Charlie.

"I agree," said Anh.

"Do you remember telling you I'm passionate about art?" said Charlie.

"Yes, I do remember your sharing that with me," said Anh.

"Well, New York City abounds with art, and you and I can begin to share this beauty tomorrow," said Charlie.

"You're right!" said Anh as she put her arms around around his neck, kissed him, then the two made love as the sun began to rise.


Chapter 6

"Good morning, Anh," said Charlie.

"Good morning to you!" said Anh.

"I'd like to take you to eat breakfast at Tom's, my old haunt when I was a student at Columbia. Then we can take a cab to the Met, as it is often called, to see some of the most beautiful art in the world," said Charlie.

"That sounds wonderful!" said Anh.

Anh showered first, then Charlie.

After both were dressed, Charlie said "Are you ready to head out?

"Yes, I am," replied Anh.

Charlie hailed a cab in front of the Waldorf and asked the cabbie to take them to 112th and Broadway where Tom's was.

"Here," Charlie said, "keep the change."

Tom's, while remodeled, was still Tom's, the same food, the same ambience.
Anh and Charlie ate a full, tasty breakfast.

"Are you ready now to see great art?" Charlie said to Anh.

"I'm ready," said Anh.

Charlie hailed a cab on the corner of 112th and Broadway, and off they went.


Chapter 7

The cab dropped off Anh and Charlie in front of the Met.

"The first piece I want to share with you is my favorite:  Renoir's STILL LIFE WITH PEACHES. It's in the Impressionist Wing," said Charlie.

"Wonderful!" said Anh.

"Well, there it is. I have come to this spot many times and have been transfixed every time I have seen this painting," said Charlie.

"It's beautiful, Charlie," said Anh.

The two stood silently in front of the painting for about 20 minutes.

"It matters not to me how many times I see it nor how long I gaze at it," Charlie said, "I am mesmerized."

Anh and Charlie spent almost an hour in the Impressionist Wing taking in the beauty:  IMPRESSION, SUNRISE by Monet;  LUNCHEON OF THE BOATING PARTY by Renoir;  Le Dejeuner sur l'herbe by Manet;  SUNDAY AFTERNOON BY THE ISLAND ON LA GRAND JATTE by SEURAT, for example.

Other famous paintings:  JULIE LE BRUN LOOKING IN A MIIRROR by Brun;  WASHINGTON CROSSING THE DELAWARE by Leutze;  THE DEATH OF SOCRATES by David;  THE GULF STREAM by Homer;  THE DANCE CLASS by Degas;  BRIDGE OVER A POND OF WATER LILLES by Monet;  SELF PORTRAIT WITH STRAW HAT by Van Gogh;  MUSCIANS by Carravaggio;  PORTRAIT OF A WOMAN WITH A MAN AT A CASEMENT by Lippi;  STUDY OF A WOMAN by Vermeer;  YOUNG MOTHER SEWING by Cassatt.

Charlie knew that it would take a visitor around three hours if she/he simply walked by, but never stopped at, any of the works in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He knew it, because he had done it himself.

"I'd like to take you to Titiana, famous for its Cairibbean food. It's In David Geffen Hall, part of Lincoln Center. You remember I have to be back to the Waldorf around 6:30 pm so Sid can pick me up at 6:45 so I can arrive at Village Vanguard at 7, right? You have your own key to our room, so keep it with you at all times. I'm sure you'd like to lie down and rest, then freshen up. Here's some money to pay for your cab. Come to the Village Vanguard whenever you like. I love you, Anh," said Charlie.

The two took a cab to Lincoln Center. The maitre'd of the Titiana took them to their table. Anh and Charlie perused their menus.

"I'd like to start with Corn Bread;  Honeynut Piri Piri Salad (Persian Cucumber, Seasonal Grapes, Crispy Quinoa);  Egusi Dumplings (Jonag Crab, Nigerian Red Stew, Pickled Pearl Onion);  and the Bodega Special (Cosmic Brownie, Powdered Sugar Donut Ice Cream, Sorrel), please," said Anh.

Charlie said, "I would like Fried Branzino (Rice & Peas, Cilantro. Onion);  Braized Oxtails (Rice & Peas, Thumberlina Carrot, Chayote Squash);  Hamachi Escovitch (Avocado, Carrot Nage, Marinated Peppers)
and Golden *** Cake, please."

"And what would you both like to drink?" asked the waiter?

"You don't drink alcohol, right Anh?" said Charlie,

"You're right, Charlie," said Anh. "I'll just have ice tea."

"I'm just going to have ice tea, too," said Charlie.

"Well, we've had a full day, Anh, and the day isn't over, is it?" said Charlie. "I think I'm going to give up alcohol now that you've made my life worth living."

"Bless you, Charlie," said Anh.


Chapter 8

The next day, Anh and Charlie visited MoMA (The Museum of Modern Art).

The following were their favorites:  THE STARRY NIGHT by van Gogh;  LES DEMOISELLES d'AVIGNON by Picasso;  CHRISTIAN'S WORLD by Wyeth;  THE BATHER by Cezanne;  THE PIANO LESSON by Matisse;  THE MOON AND THE EARTH by Gauguin;  SEATED BATHER by Picasso;  FULANG-CHANG AND I by Kahlo;  and GIRL WITH BALL by Lichtenstein.

Anh and Charlie ate a nice meal at the The Capital Grille, then returned to the Waldorf to rest. But before resting, they couldn't resist making love, then fell asleep in each other's arms. The alarm clock went off at 5:30 and at 6:45 Sid pick them up and took them to the Village Vanguard arriving at 7.

Charlie's table was waiting, as always.

"We'd both like ice tea," said Charlie to the waitress.

The band was playing ROUND MIDNIGHT then WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD.

"Anh, being with you is my dream come true," said Charlie. Anh grabbed Charlie's hand and squeezed it.

"I could have attended any university in America, but I chose NYU," said Anh, "and New York City was the only city in America where I could possibly find you!" Anh squeezed Charlie's hand a little harder.

"I have dreamed of you every night since I left Saigon.The odds of us every seeing each other again were incalculable, but it happened. Do you sense it was by chance? I think it was meant to be," Charlie said as he took Anh's other hand and kissed it.

The band was now playing THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA.  No, Charlie thought, the band was now playing THE GIRL FROM SAIGON.

"We have a chance to see the world by seeing New York City, Anh!" said Charlie.

"How wonderful!" said Anh.


Chapter 9

Anh and Charlie at breakfast at Jams, then took a cab to the Whitney Museum of American Art.

Charlie's favorite American artist was Edward Hopper, and while the Art Institute of Chicago had Hopper's most famous work, NIGHTHAWKS, in its collection, The Whitney had the most. Charlie wanted to concentrate on all the Hopper paintings.

The Hopper paintings:  CAPE COD BAY;  MASS OF TREES AT EASTMAN;  ROAD AND ROCKS;  A WOMAN IN THE SUN;  SECOND STORY SUNLIGHT;  SOUTH CAROLINA MORNING:  THE SOURCE OF ALL VIOLENCE, MY UNSEEN FATHER-IN-LAW;  STAIRWAY;   SEVEN A.M.;  ROOFS, SATILLO;  JO IN WYOMING:  SLOPES OF THE TETON;  EL PALACIO;  JO HOPPER;  SELF-PORTRAIT (I);  SELF-PORTRAIT (II);  SATILLO, MEXICO;  a ma femme-jour de naissance;  EARLY SUNDAY MORNING;  LIGHT AT TWO LIGHTS;  TWO ON THE AISLE;  NIGHT WINDOWS;  ROAD IN MAINE;  AMERICAN VILLAGE;  THE WINDOW;  THE HORIZONTAL CITY;  WASHINGTON SQUARE;  THEATER;  REALITY AND FANTASY;  HEAD OF A MAN;  MAN WITH BEARD; NEW YORK MOVIE;  AUTOMAT;  TABLE FOR LADIES;  GIRL AT A SEWING MACHINE;  CHOP SUEY;  FROM WILLIAMSBURG BRIDGE;  HOTEL LOBBY;  and  OFFICE IN A SMALL CITY.

Charlie suggested the two ate at the GRAND CENTRAL OYSTER BAR. Anh said she loved seafood. A cab took them there quickly.

Anh said "I would like OYSTERS ON THE HALF SHELL, A CUP OF CLAM CHOWDER, MUSSELS, AND A SLICE OF KEY LIME PIE, please."

"I would like please OYSTERS ROCKEFELLER, LOBSTER BISQUE, and a good, old-fashion SHRIMP COCKTAIL. We both would like ice tea," said
Charlie.

Their dinners were delicious. They took a cab back to the Waldorf in time to meet Sid who got them to the Village Vanguard by 7.


Chapter 10

In the ensuing summer months, Anh and Charlie continued their seemingly endless exploration of New York City and, at the same time, adhered to their required nightly visits to the Village Vanguard. Over this time, the two enjoyed a cruise around the Statue Of Liberty, going to the top of the Empire State Building, visiting Ellis Island, walking tours of Chinatown and Little Italy, taking the New York Helicopter Tour, experiencing the Central Park Carriage Horse tour, and enjoying the Manhattan Island cruise.

And late afternoons, Anh and Charlie continued to eat among the best restaurants in the world:  OLIO E PIU;  BOUCHIERE UNION
SQUARE;  ELEVEN MADISON PARK;  BALTHAZAR;  GRAMERCY TAVERN;  THE MODERN;  UPLAND;  VIA CAROTA;  LE BERNARDIN;  PICCOLA CUCINA OSTERIA;  SCILLIANA; BOUCHERIE WEST VILLIAGE;  SCHUTTE;  GABRIEL KREUTHER;  FREVO, ATERA;  ESTELLA;  KOCHI;  LE COUCOU;  TAO;  COTE;  PETITE BOUCHERIE;  AMAVI; MANHATTA;  BLUE RIBBON BRASSERI;  1803 NYC;  MINETTA TAVERN;  SCARPETTA; CRAFT;  CROWN SHY;  HEARTH;  CHAMA MAMA;  FORGIONE;  TSUIMI;  PER SI;  CLOVER HILL; ASKA;
DANIEL;  JUNGSIK;  AQUAVIT;  ICCA;  MASA;  SUSHI NAKA-
SAWA;  GRAMERCY TAVERN;  LE PAVILLON;  LE JANDINIER;  
63 CLINTON;  AL CORO;  COTE;  OIJI MI;  JEAN-GEORGES;
DON ANGIE;  ONE WHITE STREET;  VESTRY;  THE MUSKET ROOM;  o.d.o.;  CLARO;  SUSHI NOZ;  ESTELLA;  SAGA;  SEMMA; L'ABEILLE;  NOZ 17;  SUHI GINZA ONODERA;  and THE RIVER CAFE.


It was a mid-August early evening as Anh and Charlie lay curled up naked under the white linen sheet.

"Anh, I love you. I will always love you. I want us to share the rest of our lives with each other. And if you feel as I do, I need to tell you that I feel each of us must be prepared to do the right thing, not only for each other, but also for all others.

"I worked for the CIA, and I know it does not always work for all people. I do not want to be a prisoner of the CIA for the rest of my life, and I don't want the woman I love also to be their prisoner.

"Anh, I love you. I will always love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And if you feel the same toward me, you'll need to know fully what both of us will need to do for the rest of our lives:  SPEAK THE TRUTH. These months I've shared with you have made me realize I cannot go on covering for the CIA and its related agencies and covert, deadly operations. If I cannot love you openly, if I cannot propose to you to be my wife, I would rather be dead. If you cannot run the same risks as I, I'll grieve greatly but understand and respect your feelings," finished Charlie.

"I would rather die than not to love you the rest of my life," said Anh.


Chapter 11

Charlie knew them all, from Haiti onward, but let's start with the OSS of WW11 becoming the CIA.

The CIA was supposed to behave legally, but it didn't always do that. Take, for example, assassination and torture, but don't tell Congress about them. If a foreign country smacked of communist leanings, the CIA needed to "redirect" it, even if its leader had been elected democratically. What else comes to mind? Of course, domestic wiretapping;  manipulation of media;   extraordinary renditions;  secret prisons run by the CIA on foreign soil;  "enhanced interrogation" (torture);  support of dictators in Latin America;  recruiting Nazis as spies;  sales of arms to nations under embargo;  CIA involved in global drug trafficking;  collecting data on Americans without warrants;  and mind control experiments. It took a lot of practice to do all of them well.


Chapter 12

"This is Charlie Cumberston calling for Senator Peterson," said Charlie.

"Just a moment, please," said the secretary.

"Charlie, you old dog!" said John. "We haven't spoken for a hell of a long time! How have you been?"

"That's a long story, Will," said Charlie, "but in truth I need to speak to you in private. It's a life-or-death matter, Will."

There was a long pause.

Charlie and Will were both Nacoms at Columbia, but though Will was considerably older than Charlie, they had become best friends. Will was now the youngest U.S. Senator. After law school, he and his wife, Marilyn, a Barnard graduate, had moved to Boulder, CO where he was elected U.S. Senator on his first try.

"I've been in New York City. I wonder if there is any possibility you might be able to take the shuttle to NYC to talk with me. I need your help," said Charlie.

"Charlie, if you think I could be of help to you, I will find a way to see and talk with you. I'll get back to you pronto." said Will.

"God bless you, Will," said Charlie.

The two exchanged the necessary contact information. Will told Charlie he thought he could get back to him in a day or two, if not sooner.

In early afternoon of the second day, Charlie heard a knock on his door. It was Will.

Charlie opened the door.  "Will, God bless you! Thanks for coming up. Take a seat at the table."

"Will, you know me well," said Charlie. "After Columbia, I joined the CIA. I wanted to honor my country. After intense training, I was sent to Saigon in early '65. During the Tet Offensive, I was wounded severely. I was in the hospital a year. I almost died, but Anh saved me. She was my nurse. I fell in love with her. I had a month before I was to be flown back to the U.S. and it was during that month that I knew I wanted to marry her. When I got back to Langley, they told me I knew too much about the OSS to the present, and if I divulged any iota from the past to the present, I would be "eliminated." I knew they meant what they said. So I agreed to be put up at the Waldorf Astoria and be taken to the Village Vanguard every evening. That was going to be the rest of my life--that is, until I had the unbelievable fortune of meeting Anh in New York City. My dilemma is I know I can't marry Anh now. Anh feels the same as I do. I wish to be remembered as an honorable man. I wish to speak to the world from the podium of the UN General Assembly to tell the billions on Earth the truth and ask all for their forgiveness. You are now the new U.S. Senator from Colorado.  You are an honorable man. The people who voted for you know that. Your fellow Senators will increasingly know that. My advice to you, Will, is do what you think is right. Thanks for hearing me out."

"I will tell the truth," said Will. Will said he would let Charlie know the outcome as soon as he could. The two shook hands and left the restaurant together.


Chapter 13

A week went by and then another. To say both Charlie and Anh were torn was an understatement. Then on the morning of Tuesday of the third week, Will called.

"I have great news for you, Charlie! You've won your battle! You need to prepare your remarks you will share with all the ambassadors and, indeed, the world." said an exuberant Will.

"I can't thank you enough, Will," said Charlie. "I can't thank you enough!"

As soon as Charlie hung up, he picked up Anh and swirled her around and around.

"I will share my remarks with all the ambassadors and the rest of the world," said Charlie, then picked Anh up and gave her a hug and a kiss in mid-air that lasted at least a minute, maybe two.


Chapter 14

"The irony is nobody had the guts to do what you have done, Charlie," said Will. "You have broken things wide open. Now Earth, and every living thing on it, has a chance not only to survive, but also to prosper. I met with U.S. Ambassador Wilson and told him everything. In turn, he spoke first with ambassadors who were his friends who, in turn, spoke with their ambassador friends. This has just spread like wildfire, Charlie. It's amazing!"

"Thanks, Will," said Charlie. "Now my life has meaning. And if this has wheels, we can change the UN Building to the US Building, as in "us, not them."

"That's brilliant, Charlie!" said Will.

After the two men finished their lunches at the 1789 Restaurant in Georgetown, they gave each other a big hug and shock hands.
Anh was taking a nap at the Willard.

"World peace is now the sine qua non for life on Earth," said Will. "Thanks for emailing all your brilliant ideas, Charlie," said Will. "All nations, including the most autocratic ones, see the inescapability of having to form a world union. You are the savior, my friend."

Will continued. "Monday, I will begin to talk to ambassadors. Those will speak to others, and so on. You said there is only one land, one sky, one sea, one people. The boundaries that divided us are not on maps, but in our hearts and minds. Either we will survive as one because of a successful, gargantuan effort to make world peace, or billions will die in minutes. Those are your words, Charlie. Those are your words."

Charlie said "I want to talk with my 8 billion friends on Earth. I will say first that it is an honor to speak to my sisters and brothers. I am overjoyed that I'll meet many of you. I will need to hear your heartaches and hopes to make Earth our home. I will help people realize their real selves. I will help people see what truth is and what it is not. I'll encourage them with love. I will tell them their inner-greatness is inviolable. Corrupt politicians aggrandize power to oppress others, not to empower them. I will die for humanity, but I will never **** anyone."

The ambassadors were in a frenzy for two weeks, communicating with their superiors in their home countries, garnering their approvals, getting ready for Charlie's momentous announcement to the world in the "US Building."

Sid's Valentine Goodbye.

Valentine's Day - Sid woke up as
he had done for odd eighty years.
Hidden in a closet were her roses
and cheap card.

His thin ex-tuberculous wife was
already up, she had made tea,
laid the paper and opened the
windows for the stuffiness to exit.

Joe Loss was playing Moonlight on the
new thingy C.D and outside one
of the warders was moving about.

Sid kissed her on the cheek, lightly
but with feeling, presented his roses,
felicitations handed her the card,
she loved it.This was their sixty fourth
Valentine,

As usual Joan shed a little symbolic tear,
nothing too un-British and came to underline
her love for big Sid with another little kiss.
Speed cyclist, dispatch rider, Radar Sid
was on lazy boy with The Mail and char.

Paper open, tea untouched she gave him.
her usual restrained peck and realized.

He was still warm.

12 Monkeys
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127 Hours
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2001 A Space Odyssey
360
A Beautiful Mind
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A Few Good Men
A Single Man
A Perfect Getaway
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Adaptation
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Air Force One
Airplane 1
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Alpha Dog
American Beauty
American Gangster
Amorres Perros
Amour
Anchorman
Andy Warhol's Bad 1977
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Animal Kingdom
Annie Hall
Anti-Christ
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Blade 3
Blade Runner Final Cut
Blades of Glory
Blood Work
Blue Valentine
Breach
Broken Arrow
Born on the Fourth of July
Boyz in the Hood
Bullet
Bulworth
Brothers
Caddyshack 1 & 2
Career Opportunities
Carlos The Jackal The Movie
Carne by Gaspar Noe - French
Cashback
CB4
Charlie Wilson's War
Chelsea Girls 1966
Cherry
Chinatown
Ciao Manhattan ft. Edie Sedgewick 1972
Cinema Paradiso
City of God
Clear and Present Danger
Closely Watched Trains - Czech
Contact
Corpse Bride
Courage Under Fire
Crazy Stupid Love
Dark Shadows
Dave 1993
Daybreakers
Days of Heaven
Dazed and Confused
Dead Presidents
Defiance
Desperately Seeking Susan
Despicable Me
Detachment
Die Hard Quadrilogy
**** Tracy
***** Harry
Django Unchained
Dogtooth - Greek
Dogville
Doubt
Dracula, Bram Stoker's
Dragonheart
Dream House
Drive
Drop Zone
Dumbo
Dune Extended Edition
Ears Open, Eyeballs Click
Easier With Practice
Easy Rider 1969
Edward Scissorhands
Empire of the Sun
Encino Man
Enter the Void by Gaspar Noe
Eraser 1999
Eyes Wide Shut 1999
Face Off 1997
Fallen
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Fight Club
Fill the Void
Fish Tank
Fitzcarraldo
Five Minutes in Heaven
Flickan 2009 - Swedish
Flubber 1997
Folks!
Forbidden Planet 1956
Fracture
Friday 1995
Friday After Next 2002
Frost Nixon
******* Amal - Swedish
Full Metal Jacket
Funny Farm 1988
Funny Games
Fur- An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus
G.I. Jane
G.I. Joe Retaliation
Gangs of New York
Gangster Squad
Garden State
Get Rich or Die Tryin'
Ghostbusters 1
Girlfriend
Girl, Interrupted
Glengarry Glen Ross
Gomorra - Italian
Great Expectations 1998
Greenberg
Grindhouse Death Proof
Grindhouse Planet Terror
Groundhog Day 1993
Grumpy Old Men
Grumpier Old Men
Gummo
Gus Van Sant's Last Days
Half Nelson
Hannibal
Havoc
Haywire
Heartbreak Ridge
Heat
Hell on the Pacific 1986
Hesher
Hitchcock
Holy Rollers
Hook
Honey I Shrunk the Kids
Hyde Park on Hudson
I Am Curious Blue
I Am Curious Yellow
I Heart Huckabees
I Stand Alone by Gaspar Noe - French
If Looks Could **** 1991
I'm Not There
In Bruges
In The Line of Fire
Inglorious Basterds
Inland Empire
Innerspace 1987
Innocence
Interview With the Vampire
Jacob's Ladder
James Bond - Diamonds Are Forever 1971
James Bond - From Russia With Love 1963
James Bond - Goldfinger 1964
James Bond - Never Say Never Again 1983
James Bond - On Her Majesty's Secret Service 1969
James Bond - Thunderball 1965
James Bon - You Only Live Twice 1967
Jane Eyre
Jeremiah Johnson 1972
JFK
Joe Versus the Volcano
Johnny English 2
Julien Donkey-Boy
Juno
Just Cause
Kapringen aka A Hijacking - Icelandic
Ken Park
Killing Season
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Kindergarten Cop
Kingpin
Koyaanisqatsi
Krippendorf's Tribe
Kiss the Girls
La Vie En Rose
Last Night
Last of the Dogmen
Leon: The Professional
Leonard Pt. 6
Les Miserables
Lie With Me
Life of Pi
Lincoln
Lions For Lambs
Little Children
Lord of the Rings Trilogy BR Extended
Lord of War
Lost Highway
Love and Other Drugs
Love in the Time of Cholera
Love Liza
Lovers of the Arctic Circle
Mad Max 1979
Mad Max 2 1981
Mad Max 3 1985
Major Payne
Malcolm X
Man on Fire
Manhunter
Maverick 1994
Meet Joe Black
Melancholia
Menace II Society DIrector's Cut 1993
Mesrine 1 Killer Instinct - French
Mesrine 2 Public Enemy - French
Milk
Minority Report
Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol
Mister Lonely
Money Train
Moonrise Kingdom
Moulin Rouge
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
****** By Numbers
Munich
My Sassy Girl 2008
Naqoyqatsi Life As War
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
National Treasure Book of Secrets
Never Cry Wolf
Never Let Me Go
New Jack City
New York I Love You
Night on Earth 1991 - Italian
Nixon
Not Fade Away
Notes on a Scandal
O Brother, Where Art Thou
October Sky
Olympus Has Fallen
Ondskan - Swedish
One False Move
Out of Africa
Outbreak
Palmetto
Paris Texas Criterion 1984
Passenger 57
Paths of Glory 1957
Perfect Sense
Peter Pan
Philadelphia 1993
Pinocchio
Pirate Radio
Platoon 1986
Pleasantville
*******
Project X 1987
Proof
Quiz Show
Rabbits
Revolver
Robocop Trilogy
Robot and Frank
Rolling Stone's Gimme Shelter
Romance and Cigarettes
Romeo and Juliet 1996
Sahara
Saving Private Ryan
Schindler's List
Searching For Bobby Fischer
Secretary, The
Seven Years in Tibet
Sgt. Bilko
Shame 2011
Shine
Shooter
Shopgirl
Sid and Nancy
Sin City
Sky Captain and The World of Tomorrow
Skyfall
Slackers
Sleepers
Sleeping Beauty 1959
Sleeping Beauty 2011
Sleepy Hollow
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Somewhere
South Central
Sphere
Spread
Spy Game
Stand Up Guys
Stay
Summer Hours - French
Sweeney Todd - The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Synecdoche, NY
Syriana
Talk To Her - Habla Con Ella
Taken 1 & 2
Takers
****
Taxidermia
Tetro
Thank You For Smoking
That Thing You Do!
The Adjustment Bureau
The Age of Innocence by Martin Scorcese 1993
The Bad Lieutenant - Port of Call New Orleans 2009
The Basketball Diaries
The Beach 2000
The Believer
The Beverly Hillbillies
The Black Dahlia
The Blue Lagoon 1980
The Book of Eli
The Boxer
The Constant Gardner
The Conversation
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Darjeeling Limited
The Dark Knight
The Dark Knight Rises
The Day of the Jackal
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
The Fifth Element
The Flock
The Flowers of War
The Fountain
The Getaway
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo 2011
The Golden Compass
The Good Shepherd
The Good The Bad and The Ugly
The Goonies
The Green Mile
The Grey
The Help
The Hudsucker Proxy
The Hurricane
The Hurt Locker
The Ice Storm
The Ides of March
The Illusionist
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
The Impossible
The Informers
The Invasion
The Iron Lady
The Island of Dr. Moreau
The Jackal
The ****
The Killer Inside Me
The Kingdom
The Legend of Bagger Vance
The Lost Boys
The Lost Boys The Tribe
The Lost Boys Thirst
The Machinist
The Mask
The Man Who Fell to Earth 1976
The Master
The Mechanic
The Money Pit
The Naked Gun 1
The Naked Gun 2
The Naked Gun 3
The New World
The Pelican Brief
The Place Beyond the Pines
The Prestige
The Queen
The Raven
The Reader
The Red Balloon
The Right Stuff
The Road
The Rock
The Rocketeer
The Rules of Attraction
The *** Diary
The Saint
The Shawshank Redemption
The Silence of the Lambs
The Skin I Live In - Mexican
The Soloist
The Talented Mr. Ripley
The Thin Red Line
The Town
Transformers Trilogy
The Tree of Life
Tron Legacy 2010
The United States of Leland
The Usual Suspects
The Way Back
There Will Be Blood
There's Something About Mary
Three Days of the Condor
Three Kings
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
To the Wonder
To Rome With Love

Tombstone
Total Recall 1990
Trainspotting
Trash Humpers
True Lies
Two Lovers
Two Weeks in September(Brigette Bardot) 1967
Tyrannosaur
Unbreakable
Uncle Buck
Unforgiven
Unleashed
Unstoppable
V for Vendetta
Varsity Blues
Vertigo
Vicky Christina Barcelona
Videodrome
Virtuosity
Wag the Dog
Wake Up Ron Burgundy The Lost Movie
Walkabout
Wall Street 1987
Wall Street 2010
Wanderlust
Water World
Wayne's World 1 & 2
We Are The Night
War Witch
We Need to Talk About Kevin
Weekend by Jean-Luc Godard - French
Weekend 2011
West of Memphis
What Doesn't **** You
What's Eating Gilbert Grape
When Harry Met Sally
Where the Wild Things Are
White House Down
White Material Criterion 2009
White Oleander
Who is Harry Nilsson?
Wolf 1992
Womb
You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger
Zardoz 1974


Documentaries & Music Videos


BBC - Life in Cold Blood
BBC - Planet Earth
BBC - Rolling Stones Crossfire Hurricane
BBC - Great Bear Steakout
BBC - Ice Age Giants
BBC - Insect Worlds
BBC - Life on Earth 1979
BBC - Lost Cities of the Ancients
BBC - Operation Snow Tiger
BBC - Penguins: Spy in the Huddle
BBC - Polar Bear: Spy on the Ice
BBC - Richard Hammond's Miracles of Nature
BBC - The Life of Birds
BBC - Wonders of Life
David Blaine Collection
**** Proenke Collection - Alone and Solitude, The Frozen North
Encounters at the End of the World 2007
Nanook of the North
National Geographic Wild Kingdom of the Oceans Giants of the Deep: Whales
Shine A Light - The Rolling Stones
Vladimir Horowitz - Der Ietzte Romantiker
Vladimir Horowitz - Live in Vienna 1987
Vladimir Horowitz - The 1968 TV Concert
Whale Adventure with Nigel Marvin

if i was a pearl i’d feel itchy scratchy stuck inside an oyster shell if i was a tree i’d  be a big fat redwood fantasizing about Julia Butterfly Hill living and peeing around me if i was a dog i’d be a Catahoula hound if i was Italian i’d be Sicilian if i was pasta i’d be spaghetti if i was Icelandic i’d be Bjork if i was a rock star i’d be Elvis Presley Bob Dylan Jimi Hendrix Jim Morrison John Lennon Bruce Spingsteen Maynard James Keenan if i was i writer i’d be Herman Melville Mark Twain James Joyce William Faulkner Thomas Bernhard Yukio Mishima Naguib Mahfouz Phillip K. **** Gabriel Garcia Marquez Annie Proulx Lydia Davis if i was a poet i’d be Walt Whitman Sylvia Plath Ted Hughes Gwendolyn Brooks Pablo Neruda  Heather McHugh Carl Sandburg Robert Frost Arthur Rimbaud Dante Alighieri Homer if i was a painter i’d be Leonardo Da Vinci Michelangelo da Caravaggio Johan Vermeer Rembrandt van Rijn Paul Cezanne Marcel Duchamp Jackson ******* Mark Rothko Ad Reinhardt Anselm Kiefer Susan Rothenberg if i was a photographer i’d be Man Ray Ansel Adams Edward Weston Diane Arbus Robert Mapplethorpe Sally Mann Helmut Newton Richard Avedon Annie Leibovitz if i was a philosopher i’d be Socrates Plato Aristotle Jean Jacques Rousseau Sören Kierkegaard Immanuel Kant Karl Marx Georg Hegel Friedrich Nietzsche Henry David Thoreau Ralph Waldo Emerson  Jean-Paul Sartre Jean Baudrillard Michel Foucault if i was a singer i’d be Woody Guthrie Otis Redding Grace Slick Bob Marley Joni Mitchell Marvin Gaye Johnny Cash Patsy Cline June Carter Patti Smith Chrissie Hinde Nick Cave P J Harvey Beyonce if i wa a band i’d be Velvet Underground Ramones *** Pistols Clash Cure Smiths Joy Division Uncle Tupelo Pixies Nirvana Nine Inch Nails Madrugada Sigur Ros White Stripes Thee Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra Justice of the Unicorns if i was a boot i’d be Chippewa Frye Ariat Red Wing Tony Lama Wellington if i was a shoe i’d be Christian Louboutin Jimmy Choo Kedds Chaco Chuck Taylor p f flyer if i was a dress i’d be Channel Dolce & Gabbanna Giorgio Armani Marc Jacobs Comme des Garçons if i was a cowboy shirt i’d be H bar C Rockmount Temp Tex Karman Wrangler Levis Strauss Lee if i was a hat i’d be a Stetson Borsalino Stephen Jones if i was a fruit i’d be a mango apple banana blackberry if i was an scent i’d smell like fresh perspiration jasmine sandalwood ylang ylang the ocean if i was a doctor i’d be a gynecologist neurosurgeon if i was a flower i’d be a hibiscus rose orchard if i was a stone i’d be a sparkling ruby diamond opal if i was a knife i’d be a k-bar switch-blade machete if i was a gun i’d be a Remington Winchester Beretta Glock AK-47 if i was a car i’d be a Lamborghini Ferrari BMW Saab Volkswagen GTO Ford Mustang Dodge Challenger if i was a  TV show i’d be Law and Order if i was actor i’d be Charlie Chaplin Humphrey Bogart Steve McQueen Robert De Niro Ed Norton Shawn Penn if i was an actress i’d be Marlene Dietrich Ingrid Bergman Natalie Wood Audrey Hepburn Marilyn Monroe Helen Mirren  Meryil Streep Brigette Fonda Robin Wright Julianne Moore Angie Harmon if i was a female comedian i’d be Gilda Radner Lily Tomlin Nora Dunn Joan Cusack Sarah Silverman Tina Fey if i was a  football player i’d be Sid Luckman George Blanda Walter Payton **** Butkus Mike Singletary Joe Montana Jerry Rice Payton Manning LaDanian Tomlinson  Drew Breeze if i was a celebrity i’d be Charlotte Gainsbourg if i was a rapper i’d be Tupac Shakur if i was a movie director i’d be Sam Peckinpah Robert Altman Stanley Kubrick Roman Polanski Werner Herzog Rainer Fassbinder Louis Bunuel Alfred Hitchcock Jean-Luc Godard François Truffaut if i was a bird i’d be a eagle hawk sparrow bluebird if i was a fish i’d be a dolphin shark narwhal Charlie the tuna if i was breakfast i’d be a French toast pancake folded in half with 2 strips of bacon in between if i was a cold cereal i’d be snap crackle popping rice crispies shredded wheat cheerios oatmeal if i was tea i’d be Japanese green matcha Irish breakfast Tulsi Thai holy basil Lapsang souchong Luzianne Lipton if i was a soap i’d be French hand milled ayurvedic Avon Ivory Dove Pears Aveda  if i was a man i’d be a football basketball baseball tennis swimmer athlete if i was a woman i’d be a track star runner writer painter gardener doctor nurse yoga mom i'm just scratching the surface and the beat goes on lahdy dah dah

Nasceu no dia dos namorados. Filho de mãe brasileira com descendência holandesa e pai português. Tinha três irmãos: seu gêmeo Fabrício, o mais velho, Renato, e o terceiro, falecido, que era sua grande dor, nunca dizia seu nome e ninguém se atrevia a perguntar.
A pessoa em questão chamaremos de Jimmy. Jimmy Jazz.
Jimmy morava em Portugal, na cidade de Faro, e passou a infância fazendo viagens ao Brasil a fim de visitar a família de sua mãe; sempre rebelde, colecionava olhares tortos, lições de moral, renegações.
Seu maior inimigo, também chamado por ele de pai, declarou guerra contra suas ideologias punk, seu cabelo que gritava anarquismo, e a vontade que tinha ele de viver.
Certo dia, não qualquer dia mas no natal do ano em que Jimmy fez 14 anos, seu pai o expulsou de casa. Mais um menino perdido na rua se tornou o pequeno aspirante à poeta, agora um verdadeiro marginal.
Não tinha para onde ir. Sentou-se na calçada, olhou para seus pés e agradeceu pela sorte de estar de sapatos e ter uma caneta no bolso no momento da expulsão, seu pai não o deixara com nada, nem um vintém, e tinha fome.
Rondou pelas mesmas quadras ao redor de sua casa por uns dias, até se cansar dos mesmos rostos e da rotina daquela região, então tomou coragem e resolveu explorar outras vidas, havia encontrado um caderno em branco dentro de uma biblioteca pública onde costumava passar o dia lendo e este seria seu amigo por um bom tempo.
Orgulhoso, auto-suficiente, o menino de apenas 14 anos acabou encontrando alguém como ele, por fim. Seu nome era Allan, um punk que, apesar de ainda ter uma casa, estava doido para ir embora viver sua rotina de não ter rotina alguma, e eles levaram isso muito à sério.
Logo se tornaram inseparáveis, arrumaram emprego juntos, que não era muito mas conseguiria mantê-los pelo menos até terminarem a escola, conseguiram alugar uma casa e compraram um cachorro que nunca ganhou nome pois não conseguiam entrar em acordo sobre isso, Jimmy tinha também um lagarto de estimação que chamava de Mr. White, sua paixão.
Os dois amigos começaram a frequentar o que antes só viam na teoria: as festas punk; finalmente haviam conseguido o que estavam procurando há tempos: liberdade total de expressão e ação. Rodeados por todos os tipos de drogas e práticas sexuais, mas principalmente, a razão de todo o movimento: a música.
Jimmy tinha inúmeras camisetas dos Smiths, sua banda favorita, e em seu quarto já não se sabia a cor das paredes que estavam cobertas por pôsteres de bandas dos anos 80 e 90, décadas sagradas para qualquer amante da música e Jimmy era um deles, sem dúvida.
Apesar da vida desregrada que levava com o amigo, Jimmy conseguiu ingressar na faculdade de Letras, contribuindo para sua vontade de fazer poesia, e Allan em enfermagem. Os dois, ao contrário do que seus familiares pensavam, eram extremamente inteligentes, cultos, criaram um clube de poesia com mais dois ou três amigos que conheceram em uma das festas e chamaram de "Sociedade dos Poetas Mortos... e Drogados!", fazendo referência ao filme de  Peter Weir.
O nome não era apenas uma piada entre eles, era a maior verdade de suas vidas, eles eram drogados, Jimmy  era viciado em heroína, Allan também mas em menos intensidade que seu parceiro.
Jimmy não era hétero, gay, bissexual ou qualquer outra coisa que se encaixe dentro de um quadrado exigido pela sociedade, Jimmy era do amor livre, Jimmy apenas amava. E com o passar o tempo, amava seu amigo de forma diferente, assustado pelo sentimento, escondeu o maior tempo que pôde até que o sentimento sumisse, afinal é só um hormônio e a vida voltaria ao normal, mas a amizade era e sempre seria algo além disso: uma conexão espiritual, se acreditassem em almas.
Ambos continuaram suas vidas sendo visitados pela família (no caso de Jimmy, apenas sua mãe) duas vezes ao ano, no máximo, e nesses dias não faziam questão de esconderem seus cigarros, piercings ou qualquer pista da vida que levavam sozinhos, afinal, não os devia mais nada já que seus vícios, tanto químicos quanto musicais, eram bancados por eles mesmos.
Era 14 de fevereiro e Jimmy completara 19 anos, a vida ainda era a mesma, o amigo também, mas sua saúde não, principalmente sua saúde mental.
O poeta de sofá, como alguns de nós, sofria de um existencialismo perturbador, o mundo inteiro doía no seu ser, e não podia fazer muito sobre aquilo, afinal o que poderia fazer à respeito senão escrever?
Até pensou em viver de música já que tocava dois instrumentos, mas a ideia de ter desconhecidos desfrutando ou zombando dos seus sentimentos mais puros não lhe era agradável. Continuou a escrever sobre suas dores e amores, e se perguntava por que se sentia daquela forma, por que não poderia ser como seu irmão que, apesar de possuírem aparência idêntica, eram extremos do mesmo corpo. Fabrício era apenas outro cidadão português que chegava em casa antes de sua mãe ficar preocupada, não que ele fosse um filho exemplar, ele só era... normal, e era tudo que Jimmy não era e jamais gostaria de ser; aliás, ter uma vida comum era visto com desprezo pelos olhos dele, olhos que, ainda tão cedo, haviam visto o melhor e o pior da vida, já não acreditava em nada, nem em si mesmo, nem em deus, nem no universo, nem no amor.
Como poderia alguém amar uma pessoa com tanta dor dentro de si? Como ele explicaria sua vontade de morrer à alguém que ele gostaria de passar a vida toda com? Era uma contradição ambulante. Uma contradição de olhos azuis, profundos, e com hematomas pelo corpo todo.
Aos 20 anos, o tédio e a depressão ainda controlavam seu estado emocional a maior parte do tempo, aos domingos era tudo pior, existe algo sobre domingo à tarde que é inexplicável e insuportável para os existencialistas, e para ele não seria diferente. Em um domingo qualquer, se sentindo sozinho, resolveu entrar em um chat online daqueles famosos, e na primeira tentativa de conversa conheceu uma moça do Brasil, que como ele, amava a banda Placebo e sendo existencialista, também sofria de solidão, o que facilitou na construção dos assuntos.
Ela não deu muita importância ao português que dizia "não ser punk porque punks não se chamam de punks", já estava cansada de amores e amizades à distância, decidiu se despedir. O rapaz, insistente e talvez curioso sobre a pessoa com quem se deparara por puro acaso, perguntou se poderiam conversar novamente, e não sabendo a dor que isso a causaria, cedeu.
Assim como havia feito com Allan, Jimmy conquistou Julien, a nova amiga, rapidamente. De um dia para o outro, se pegou esperando para que Jimmy voltasse logo para casa para que pudessem conversar sobre poesia, música, começo e fim da vida, todos os porquês do mundo em apenas uma noite, e então perceberam que já não estavam sozinhos, principalmente ela, que havia tempo não conhecia alguém tão interessante e único quanto ele.
Não demorou muito para que trocassem confidências e os segredos mais íntimos, mas nem tudo era tão sério, riam juntos como nunca antes, e todos sabem que o caminho para o coração de uma mulher é o bom humor, Julien se encontrava perdidamente apaixonada pelo ****** que conhecera num site de relacionamentos e isso se tornaria um problema.
Qualquer relacionamento à distância é complicado por natureza, agora adicione dois suicidas em potencial, um deles viciado em heroína e outra que de tão frustrada já não ligava tanto para sede de viver que sentia, queria apenas ler poesia longe de todas as pessoas comuns, essas que ambos abominavam.
Jimmy era todos os ídolos de Julien comprimidos dentro de si. Ele era Marilyn Manson, era Brian Molko, era Gerard Way, Billy Corgan, Kurt Cobain, mas acima de todos esses, Jimmy era Sid Vicious e Julien sonhava com seus dias de Nancy.
Ele era o primeiro e último pensamento dela, e se tornou o tema principal de toda as poesias que escrevia, assim como as que lia, parecia que todas eram sobre o luso-brasileiro que considerava sua cópia masculina. Jimmy, como ela, era feminista, cheio de ideologias e viciado em bandas, mas ao contrário dela, não teria tanto tempo para essas coisas.
Estava apaixonado por um rapaz brasileiro, Estêvão, que também dizia estar apaixonado por ele mas nunca passaram disso, e logo se formou um semi-triângulo amoroso, pois Julien sabia da existência da paixão de Jimmy, mas Estêvão não sabia que existia outra brasileira que amava a mesma pessoa perdidamente. Não sentiu raiva dele, pelo contrário, apoiava o romance dos dois já que tudo que importava à ela era a felicidade de Jimmy, que como ela, era infeliz, e as chances de pessoas como eles serem felizes algum dia é quase nula.
O brasileiro era amante da MPB e da poesia do país, assim como amava ouvir pós-punk e escrever, interesses que eram comum aos três perdidos, mas era profissional para ele já que conseguira que seus trabalhos fossem publicados diversas vezes. Se Jimmy era Sid Vicious, Julien desejava ser Nancy (ou Courtney Love dependendo do humor), Estêvão era Cazuza.
Morava sozinho e não conseguia se fixar em lugar algum, estava à procura de algo que só poderia achar dentro dele mesmo mas não sabia por onde começar; convivia com *** há alguns meses na época, mas estava relativamente bem com aquilo, tinha um controle emocional maior do que nosso Sid.
Assim como aconteceu com Allan e Julien, não demorou muito para que Estêvão caísse nos encantos de Jimmy, que não eram poucos, e não fazia mais tanta questão de esconder o que sentia por ele. Dono de olhos infinitamente azuis, cabelo bagunçado que mudava de cor frequentemente, corpo magro, pálido, e escrevia os versos mais lindos que poderia imaginar, Jimmy era o ser mais irresistível para qualquer um que quisesse um bom tema para escrever.
--
Julien era de uma cidade pequena do Brasil, onde, sem a internet, jamais poderia ter conhecido Jimmy, que frequentava apenas as grandes cidades do país. Filha de pais separados, tinha o mesmo ódio pelo pai que ele, mas diferente do amigo, seu ódio era usado contra ela mesma, auto-destrutiva é um termo que definiria sua personalidade. Era de se esperar que ela se apaixonasse por alguém viciado em drogas, existe algo de romântico sobre tudo isso, afinal.
Em uma quarta-feira comum, antecipada por um dia nublado, escreveu:

Minhas palavras, todas tiradas dos teus poemas
Teu sotaque, uma voz imaginada
Que obra de arte eram teus olhos
Feitos de um azul-convite

E eu aceitei.

Jimmy era agora seu mundo, e qualquer lugar do mundo a lembrava dele. Qualquer frase proferida aleatoriamente em uma roda de amigos e automaticamente conseguia ouvir sua opinião sobre o assunto, ela o conhecia como ninguém, e em tão pouco tempo já não precisavam falar muita coisa, os dois sabiam dos dois.
Desejava que Jimmy fosse inteiramente dela, corpo e mente, que cada célula de seu ser pudesse tocar todas as células do dela, e que todos os pensamentos dele fossem sobre amá-la, mas como a maioria das coisas que queria, nada iria acontecer, se achava a pessoa mais azarada do mundo (e provavelmente era).
Em uma noite qualquer, após esperar o dia todo ansiosa pela hora em que Jimmy voltaria da faculdade, ele não apareceu. Bom, ele era mesmo uma pessoa inconstante e já estava acostumada à esse tipo de surpresa, mas existia algo diferente sobre aquela noite, sabia que Jimmy estava escondendo alguma coisa dela pois há dias estava estranho e calado, dormia cedo, acordava tarde, não comia, e as músicas que costumavam trocar estavam se tornando cada vez mais tristes, mas era inútil questionar, apesar da intimidade, ele se tornara uma pessoa reservada, o que era totalmente compreensível.
Após três ou quatro dias de aflição, ele finalmente volta e não parece bem, mesmo sem ver seu rosto, conhecia as palavras usadas por ele em todos os momentos. Preocupada com o sumiço, foi logo questionando sua ausência com certa raiva e euforia, Jimmy não respondia uma letra sequer. Julien deixou uma lágrima escorrer e implorou por respostas, tinha a certeza de que algo estava muito errado.
"Acalme-se, ou não poderei lhe contar hoje. Algo aconteceu e seu pressentimento está mais que correto, mas preciso que entenda o meu silêncio", disse à ela.
Julien não respondeu nada além de "me dê seu número, sinto que isso não é algo que se conta por escrito".
Discando o número gigantesco, cheio de códigos, sabia que assim que terminasse aquela ligação teria um problema muito maior do que a alta taxa que é cobrada por ligações internacionais. Ele atendeu e começou a falar interrompendo qualquer formalidade que ela viria a proferir:

– Apenas escute e prometa-me que não irá chorar.
Ela não disse nada, aceitando a condição.
– Há tempos não sinto-me bem, faço as mesmas coisas, não mudei meus costumes, embora deveria mas agora é tarde demais. Sinto-me diferente, meu corpo... fraco. Preciso te contar mas não tenho as palavras certas, acho que nem existem palavras certas para o que estou prestes à dizer então serei direto: descobri que sou *** positivo. ´
Um silêncio quase mórbido no ar, dos dois lados da linha.
Parecia-se com um tiro que atravessou o estômago dos dois, e nenhum podia falar.
Julien quebrou o silêncio desligando o telefone. Não podia expressar a dor que sentia, o sentimento de injustiça que a deixava de mãos atadas, Ele era a última pessoa do mundo que merecia aquilo, para ela, Jimmy era sagrado.

Apenas uma pessoa soube da nova situação de Jimmy antes de Julien: Allan.
Dois dias antes de contar tudo à amiga, Jimmy havia ido ao hospital sozinho, chegou em casa mais cedo, sentou-se no sofá e quis morrer, comparou o exame médico à um atestado de óbito e deu-se por morto. Allan chegou em casa e encontrou o amigo no chão, de olhos inchados, mãos trêmulas. Tirou o envelope de baixo dos braço de Jimmy, que o segurava como se fosse voar a qualquer instante, como se tivesse que apertar ao máximo para ter certeza de que aquilo era real. Enquanto lia os papéis, Jimmy suplicava sua morte, em meio à lágrimas, Allan lhe beijou como o amante oculto que foi por anos, com lábios fracos que resumiam a dor e o medo mas usou um disfarce para o pânico que sentia e sussurrou "não sinto nojo de ti, meu amigo, não estás morto".
Palavras inúteis. Já não queria ouvir nada, saber de nada. Jimmy então tentou dormir mas todas as memórias das vezes que usou drogas, que transou sem saber com quem, onde ou como, estavam piscando como flashes de luz quase cegantes e sentia uma culpa incomparável, um medo, terror. Mas nenhuma memória foi tão perturbadora quanto a da vez em que sofreu abuso ****** em uma das festas. Uma pessoa aleatória e sem grande importância, aproveitou-se do menino pálido e mirrado que estava dormindo no chão, quase desmaiado por culpa de todo o álcool consumido, mas ainda consciente, Jimmy conseguia sentir sua cabeça sendo pressionada contra a poça d'água que estava em baixo de seu corpo, e ouvia risos, e esses mesmos risos estavam rindo dele agora enquanto tentava dormir e rezava pra um deus que não acredita para que tudo fosse um pesadelo.
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Naquele dia, Jimmy, que já era pessimista por si só, prometeu que não se trataria, que iria apenas esperar a morte, uma morte precoce, e que este seria o desfecho perfeito para alguém que envelheceu tão rápido, mas ele não esperaria sentado, iria continuar sua vida de auto-destruição, saindo cedo e voltando tarde, dormindo e comendo mal, não pararia também com nenhum tipo de droga, principalmente cigarro, que era tão importante quanto a caneta ao escrever seus poemas, dizia que sentir a cinza ainda quente caindo no peito o inspirava.
Outra manhã chegou, e mesmo que desejasse com toda força, tudo ainda era real, seus pensamentos eram confusos, dúvidas e incertezas tão insuportáveis que poderiam causar dores físicas e curadas com analgésicos. Trocou o dia pela noite, já não via o sol, não via rostos crús como os que se vê quando estamos à caminho do trabalho, só via os personagens da noite, prostitutas, vendedores de drogas, pessoas que compravam essas drogas, e gente como ele, de coração quebrado, pessoas que perderam amigos (ou não têm), que perderam a si mesmos, que terminaram relacionamentos até então eternos, que já não suportavam a vida medíocre imposta por uma sociedade programada e hipócrita. Continuou indo aos mesmos lugares por semanas, e já não dormia em casa todos os dias, sempre arrumava um espaço na casa de algum amigo ou conhecido, como se doesse encara

I can't pretend I know what happened,
I think it's what others call fate.
But everyone around me changed when you left,
And any liking they had for you turned into hate.
You became the outcast,
No longer part of our clann.
You were no longer welcome in our homestead,
When we met you on the street, you were just another man.
I'm sorry it turned out like it has,
I wanted to have you there till the end.
Because, although there was a major age gap,
I still seen you as our friend.
People begrudge change because it reshapes our lives,
But maybe they're just jealous they settled too quick.
Just know that I wish you all of life's successes,
And remember they are only words, they are not sticks.

This is not goodbye - but ‘see you soon’
You left us one dark afternoon
Our time’s run out but then again
I wouldn’t change a single thing.

The laughs we had, the happy times
The years of banter, jokes and rhymes.
Those special moments when we knew
We were meant to be, our love was true.

A man of few words but a massive heart
Dignified, loyal and fun from the start
With your ‘Sid James’ laugh and mother-in-law jokes
(Luckily these were saved for the blokes).

Husband, brother, father, grandad and son
You were loved so much by everyone
I’m so grateful for the years that we had together
The memories, laughter. I will love you forever

There’s a hole left behind in my life but I know
You’re no longer in pain and I must let you go
Just remember that I love you to the moon
This is not goodbye - but just ‘see you soon’

It took me a while to realize that you were not my first love. Sure, my first time, my first older boyfriend, my first lover who was also my best friend. But not my first heartbreak. While discussing the argument between your girlfriend and me with a close friend, she said something that woke me up.

“Why is she so insecure if you two didn’t work out? Like, you two just don’t work, she shouldn’t be attacking you.”

At that moment I wanted to interrupt with a, “we did work out but-“ But what? I let what she said resonate through my brain. We didn’t work out. I was trying to keep every beautiful memory alive (there’s a lot of them) by ignoring the idea that we really did not work together. It was a slap in the face when everything clicked. We would still be together if everything worked.

Naturally, this led me to think of everyone I’d been with and why it never worked. I ignore Evan. Yes he was my first boyfriend and yes he was my first kiss, but that’s all it was. We were eleven years old with dorky crushes on each other. Hardly love at all. Then there was Gareth. He was my first love. It was one of those things where I saw him and I felt like 500 bees had stung me. Only their stingers left the healing sensation of honey. Right after the pain came the comfort. But with this also came with the reality that he was my first unrequited love, my first heartbreak. It took years to get over him. I dated Nick, I dated Hayden, I flirted with Jordan, and nothing sufficed. And then came you. Seeing you wasn’t the equivalent of a bee attack, but rather the feeling of floating in the ocean. Calm, tranquil, heavenly. We had a good run. I could write every amazing moment our relationship had but I’d die before it was finished. In the end, we were changing people that weren’t changing together. It hurt to realize this, as a Taurus I abhor change, but looking back on it years later it all makes sense. I tried for so long to get back what we had, but we never can. Burned out flames should never reignite.

After you came Jake. Now he’s an interesting one. He’s the first person that I was infatuated with. At the time I didn’t know this so I merely stuck the sticker “head over heels in love” onto him. I thought he was another repeat of Gareth. Unattainable and heartbreaking.  And in a way he was. I broke when he left. I completely shattered. But I’m thankful for this because most things that fall apart already have some sort of cracks in them. I realized that I didn’t shatter because of Jake, but because I had been living with depression. Jake was just the missing puzzle piece. And when he came back around, I felt nothing. And with that I found Rory smiling and lying in a pile of my shattered pride. We challenged each other, bettered each other. Until we carved and sculpted each other into the partner of our dreams. Our love was built on copious amounts of *** and drugs; Rory and Tia became a euphemism for Sid and Nancy. “I love you” became euphemism for “I'm not sober.” That’s how I knew it wasn’t love. But what was love however, was Daniel. Being with him was lava. Molten hot lava. This was the kind of love that grew out of proximity. Scientists say that if you look into someone’s eyes and tell them every deep part of yourself for thirty minutes, you’ll fall in love. And that’s basically what happened, except for the fact that it made Daniel feel nothing. I, on the other hand, was being consumed by him. It was a hookup gone wrong and I still have yet to learn the lesson that his role in my life will teach me.