It's like a hunger
but larger than one for food
that almost consumes me.
Its a hunger for love
for real acceptance
for others seeing me as who
I AM
without masks
with being able to be free
from the never ending ache and pain
in my soul ,
of utter rejection and torture
by my own flesh and blood,
each birthday that passes
each shabbat dinner that passes
and each  holiday that I live on ,without them.

Feels like a possession in a way.

I am  yet so free on one hand
but on the other hand I still feel  so trapped in pulsating pain

But why do we fear pain ??

maybe if we take our pain and our fears
and we learn to love it ,
to sit beside it,
with our demons,
we can learn how to truly love and live life,
more fully and more deeply
          
I am learning to accept
that this pain is me,
and I am this pain,
and I am my feelings, but I am also not them
that I can choose the trajectory  of my life
to learn how powerful I truly am.
               ^
How one look or stare
can bring people to their knees.
                     ^
see because  when you have lived through things like I have
you really understand pain more than anything else,
Pain is the central emotion,
that I felt so much that I was numb for so long
now I am carrying my pain and allowing it to be heard
slowly more and more
to sit in the fields
and to just scream my guts out
and to yell all the curses outloud,
                     ^
I have seen and lived through more pits
of unbearable hell.
Than most,
who  haven't survived,
nonethless I came out alive
which is a big feat in itself.
                            ^
I feel that I can read people's secrets through their eyes
the things they don't wanna tell others
the desires that they try to suppress deep inside.
                           *
But what I have learned
is that religion or culture might try to suppress
what they think
is "bad" or "wrong".

But that is what all humans crave on some level,
and until we sit and see this and own all of this.
only than can we be truly free
and it gives you true power,

Not fake power,
see I have met many "successful people"
in my life
but most lived in a prison
of the rat race
or of religion
and that is true prison ,
you can be rich and be free
it is all choice,
and I think the greatest power
is to be in the process
of truly being who you are
regardless,
if many reject you or hate you ,
usually it is because you have a really great purpose
in this world,
because the ones that people judge the most,
Are usually  the ones that are the most powerful desired
successful and happy people.