Hotel Saudade*
Sebuah cerita pendek*

“Ceritakan padaku,”
Aku yakin semua orang pernah mendengar perintah, atau permintaan itu; diikuti dengan waktu senyap dan getir setelah diminta untuk bercerita dan mencoba menata tutur sedemikian rupa. Menata tutur untuk menyanyikan, dan menuliskan (jika dalam surat,)  pengalaman, senda gurau, romansa, kehilangan,
Rindu, yang entah bagaimana caranya,
Sepi.

Beberapa mengakui bahwa setelah bercerita, mencurahkan isi hati, mereka merasa lega seolah ada beban yang terangkat. Tapi, cerita tidak hanya dapat diutarakan hanya dalam bentuk sepatah kata, sepanjang tangis, pun dalam tawa. Pada sebuah perjalananku (pertamakalinya aku berpergian sendiri, menggantikan ayahku untuk merancang dan menggambar iklan salah satu perusahaan kenalannya.) Aku bertemu seseorang yang memutarbalikkan pandanganku mengenai cerita pengalaman pribadi.
Aku tak tahu siapa dirinya,
Aku belum tahu siapa dirinya—
Namun pria ini mengaku bahwa ia tak memiliki cerita,
Cerita apapun.

Inilah cerita yang kupunya untukmu, cerita yang aneh,
Bukan aneh dalam artian mengerikan.
Malam itu kereta sampai terlalu larut, dan niatanku untuk mencari penginapan yang lebih dekat dengan pusat kota telah lenyap; aku sudah lelah. Sebenarnya aku dapat datang besok, tapi aku memilih untuk datang 2 hari lebih awal dari hari yang dijanjikan agar dapat bersantai.

Aku menjinjing tasku keluar stasiun dan membenarkan topiku, melihat kanan dan kiri dengan was-was sebelum bertanya pada orang-orang sekitar apakah ada penginapan di sekitar sini. Kau tahu betapa canggungnya aku bila bertanya ini dan itu, aku tak biasa berpergian sendiri! Namun karena keadaan mendesak, ya beginilah jadinya. Aku mendapat rujukan bahwa dengan berjalan kaki (sedikit jauh, tapi tak sejauh bila harus menjelajah malam atau menjadi angkutan untuk ke pusat kota) aku dapat sampai ke sebuah penginapan yang namanya terlalu puitis—Hujung Malam.
Apa maksudnya? Penghujung malam?
Apalah yang ada dalam sebuah nama, yang penting aku dapat tidur tenang malam ini, dan berganti penginapan keesokan harinya!

Dinginnya malam kala itu membuat mantel dan bajuku yang berlapis mejadi tidak berguna. Aku sedikit berlari melintasi trotoar yang digenangi beberapa kubangan air kecil, terlihat bak emas disinari pantulan lampu jalan. Sesekali menggosok lensa kacamata bulatku dengan sarung tangan hitam yang kukenakan. Ranting-ranting gemeretak, seolah merasakan juga dingin yang menusuk tulang. Setibanya di sana, aku tidak menyangka bahwa bangunan penginapan satu lantai ini terlihat lebih tua (tapi sangat terawat) dan lebih besar dari kelihatannya. Aku diantar ke kamarku yang terletak pada lorong yang tepat mengelilingi sebuah taman besar.

Setelah mempersilahkan keluar pegawai penginapan yang terlalu ramah bagiku, aku membuka pintu dan memperhatikan keadaan taman kala malam; didepan tiap kamar diletakkan dua buah kursi dan meja kecil. Sebuah pohon besar berdiri gagah di sudut taman, pada bagian tengahnya terdapat air mancur yang dikelilingi patung-patung pualam kecil; malaikat, anak-anak, dan bidadari tak berhati.

Aku mulai memperhatikan keadaan sekitar (yang tak biasanya kulakukan) dan barulah aku menyadari bahwa aku tidak sendirian.
Tidak, tak ada hantu.

Hanya ada sayup-sayup suara harmonika tak sumbang, yang dimainkan dengan tepat dan sedih pada pedihnya malam dingin.
Aku tahu lagu ini,
Greensleeves.
Lagu zaman Tudor itu, lagu orang-orang yang ditinggalkan.

Aku menoleh seolah digiring oleh angin yang baru saja berhembus, beberapa kamar kosong (kupikir itu kamar kosong, lampunya dindingnya tak menyala) duduk seorang pria berambut panjang, digelung rapi ke belakang, hanya mengenakan kemeja dan rompinya.

Ia ramping, namun pakaiannya tidak lebih besar dari tubuhnya dan justru terpasang pas pada tubuhnya. Rambut bagian depannya yang panjang dan tak ikut terikat rapi ke belakang berjatuhan, membingkai tulang pipinya yang terlihat jelas. Pria itu sibuk dengan alat musiknya dan memejamkan matanya tanpa menyadari kehadiranku. Aku juga sibuk, sibuk memperhatikannya bermain dan mengingat bagaimana Greensleeves selalu menyayat hatiku. Ini kali pertamanya aku mendengar lagu itu dimainkan pada harmonika.

Setelah ia menyelesaikan musiknya, aku menyapa dari kejauhan sambil memegangi gagang pintu kamarku,
“Greensleeves?”
Ia hanya menatap ke depan tanpa menoleh atau menjawab, duduk di kursi depan kamarnya dengan kaki kanan disila pada lutut kaki kirinya. Aku hanya dapat melihat hidungnya yang mancung dan matanya yang dibayangi gelap, ia terlihat cantik, dan sepi. Setelah menunggu sedikit lama dan masih tetap diabaikan, aku menghangatkan diriku di kamar. Aku akan berpindah penginapan besok siang.

Ternyata esok berkata lain.
Aku membuka pintu kamarku untuk sarapan dan mendapatinya lagi di tempatyang sama, seolah ia tidak beranjak semalam suntuk.
“Selamat pagi,” sapaku canggung.
“Kau selalu di sini?”
Ia tidak menjawab, hanya menatapku, dan saat itulah aku melihat matanya yang tidak lebih redup dari matahari senja di laut kala mendung.

Ia tidak menjawab, dan aku malah menggeret kursi dari depan salah satu kamar kosong untuk kutempatkan disebelahnya. Kami duduk bersebelahan dalam diam, hanya ditemani rintik hujan yang tak hentinya menghujat; ia mulai memainkan harmonikanya.

Aku beranjak untuk sarapan, dan memperpanjang masa sewa kamarku sampai beberapa hari ke depan.

Setelah aku kembali, ia masih tetap duduk disana, benar-benar tak berpindah dan terus memainkan harmonikanya. Aku tak dapat memperhatikannya lebih lama, aku harus beristirahat dan bersiap-siap untuk besok.

Hari berikutnya tidak banyak yang berubah, pagi masih tetap dirundung hujan dan pria itu masih duduk termenung menghadap taman. Aku bergegas untuk sarapan sebelum pergi ke kota dan menyempatkan diri untuk bertanya mengenai pria yang tak beranjak dari tempatnya. Ada yang bilang bahwa ia dulunya buronan, teman pemilik penginapan yang lalu diberi tempat tinggal disini. Yang lainnya mengatakan bahwa ia dahulu pelancong yang akhirnya memutuskan untuk tinggal dalam penginapan setelah diberi kamar oleh bapak pemilik penginapan yang terkesima olehnya.

Sepulang dari kota aku mengeringkan payungku yang basah kuyub dan mantel yang bagian depannya basah karena terkena air dari kereta kuda yang mendadak lewat didepanku. Bagian bawah gaunku penuh lumpur, dan aku tak tahu apa jadinya sepatuku ini. Aku tak ambil pusing dan kembali keluar kamar untuk sekali lagi mencari tahu tentangnya.
Entahlah, ada hal yang membuatku merasa tertarik. Mungkin karena lagu Tudor itu, mungkin karena ia sama sekali tidak berbicara dan beranjak dari kursi kecil itu. Hanya sesekali melepas ikatan rambutnya, dan membuka jam kantungnya.

Aku sekali lagi menduduki kursi yang kuletakkan di sebelahnya, dan langsung melontarkan pernyataan dan pertanyaan,
“Mereka bilang kau dulunya buronan,” ia terus memandangi jam kantungnya,
“Kenapa kau selalu duduk di kursi ini?”
Aku kira ia takkan menjawabnya, namun malah sebaliknya.
“Memangnya kau tahu kalau aku selalu di sini?”
“Karena aku selalu melihatmu di sini.”
“Itu hanya sebagian bukan keseluruhan.” Ia mengangkat bahunya. “Karena kau selalu melihatku duduk memandangi taman bukan berarti aku selalu melakukannya.”

Aku mengintip jam kantung yang di genggamannya, belum ia tutup. Jarum detiknya tak berjalan, begitu juga jarum panjang dan pendeknya. Namun derasnya hujan dan gema suaranya membuat kesan bahwa jam itu terus berjalan mengejar rindu. Ia mengutak-atik sedikit jamnya, dan jam itu mengeluarkan suara kotak musik. Tapi ini bukan jam kantung dengan kotak musik yang biasa kita lihat, jarum jamnya berputar secara terbalik.

“Boleh aku tahu siapa namamu?” aku mencoba mengajaknya berkenalan.
“Aku membuatmu teringat akan apa?”
“Apa? Entahlah.”
“Bukannya kau berlagak seolah mengenalku? Mengatakan aku selalu di sini.”
“Kau mengingatkanku pada senja di laut saat mendung.”
“Kalau begitu, namaku Laut. Aku selalu di sini seperti laut, kan? Ia tidak berpindah dari tempatnya.”

Percakapan kami terhenti di situ karena hujan makin deras dan aku harus kembali ke kamar untuk menyegerakan gambarku. Aku tidak ke kota lagi esok hari, dan menghabiskan waktu menggambar iklan itu di kursi kecil yang menghadap taman tanpa sepatah katapun, disamping orang yang mengakui dirinya sebagai Laut dan dibawah lindung hujan deras. Kami tidak berbicara pun berbincang, tapi aku menikmati kesepiannya seolah ada rindu yang belum dilunasi.
Tapi entah mengapa aku justru memulai pembicaraan,

“Ada yang bilang kau pelancong, apa kau mau bercerita sudah pergi ke mana saja?”
“Kau jarang berpergian?”
“Sangat.”
“Kau jarang berpergian, dan aku tak punya cerita.”
“Tak punya cerita?”
“Tak ada yang menarik untuk diceritakan. Tak akan ada yang merasakan sebuah cerita seperti penuturnya.”
Aku menyelesaikan gambarku, dan bersiap untuk menyetorkannya keesokan harinya.

Sore hari setelah aku kembali ke penginapan dengan keadaan yang sama, basah, terguyur hujan. Senja dalam hujan kembali ku habiskan bersamanya tanpa sepatah kata dan ia kembali memainkan nada-nada pada harmonikanya. Lagu yang sama dengan yang diputar oleh jam kantungnya. Lagu soal sunyinya malam ditengah laut, menunggu rintik dan bulan yang tak kunjung datang.

“Lagu apa itu? Sama seperti di jam yang kemarin.”
“Pesan Malam.”
“Aku belum pernah mendengarnya.”
“Aku yang membuatnya, wajar kau tidak tahu.”
“Sayang lagunya pendek, lagu yang indah.”
Ia hanya mengangguk,
“Aku akan pulang besok. Terima kasih telah menemaniku disini.”
Ia tak menjawab, dan terus memainkan harmonikanya tanpa menoleh. Seperti suara rintik hujan yang tak tentu, bingung akan apa yang ia tangisi, pria disebelahku tak memiliki cerita, tak bisa bercerita. Namun ia dapat berkisah, kisahnya tertuang pada lantunan nada dan lagu-lagu yang ia mainkan. Aku memejamkan mata, mendengarnya fasih menyihir suara menjadi sebuah fabel dan parabel, berharap dapat menyisihkan kisah-kisah yang tak diutarakan secara tersurat dan harfiah.

Aku undur diri untuk tidur lebih awal, dan menulis sebuah pesan dalam secarik kertas; lagunya mengingatkanku akan bagaimana caranya mengingat dan rindu. Aku harus pulang, tapi entah mengapa aku ingin kembali ke sini.

Dalam hening tidur malamku, ada sebuah lagu yang berulangkali dimainkan tanpa henti. Lagu di penghujung malam, lagu sunyi laut. Aku terbangun, dan dentingnya masih berputar dalam kepalaku.
Sayangnya aku harus kembali sebelum jam 12 esok hari, dan ketika terbangun, aku sayup-sayup sadar akan ketukan halus di pintu kamarku. Aku membukanya setelah memakai mantel, dan memejamkan mata pada keadaan yang sama sambil meluruskan gaun malamku. Hujan masih rintik, malam masih gelap, lampu-lampu menyala beberapa saja, dan hanyalah satu perbedaan; pria itu tak duduk pada kursi kecilnya.

Aku kembali masuk, linglung. Siapa yang tadi mengetuk pintu kamarku? Tanganku meraba gagang pintunya yang sudah menghitam dan saat itulah aku melihat sebuah jam kantung tergantung lesu pada lampu dinding didepan kamarku. Jam kantung yang selalu ia lihat, yang jarum jamnya berputar terbalik.

Tidurku tak kulanjutkan. Aku mengutak-atiknya sesperti yang ia lakukan tadi, dan menyadari bahwa bukan hanya ada satu lagu di situ, namun beberapa lagu pendek. Tiap lagu memiliki suasanya dan warna nada yang berbeda, membangkitkan berbagai macam bentuk ingatan dan kisah-kisah yang dapat kita bayangkan sendiri tanpa dipacu cerita dari siapapun. Hanya sebuah lagu, dan seuntai suasana.

Aku tak dapat terlelap lagi setelahnya. Aku membereskan barang-barangku dan beranjak untuk meninggalkan penginapan. Aku ingin berpamitan padanya dahulu, mengembalikan jam kantungnya, dan berterimakasih atas kisah-kisah yang ia ceritakan secara tersirat dalam senandung sepi. Tapi ia tak di sana, tidak pada kursi kecilnya. Tidak dengan harmonikanya, tidak menatap taman. Ia tak ada dimanapun untuk saat ini, dan aku mengitari taman serta koridor untuk mencari tanda-tanda kehadirannya untuk hasil yang nihil.

Ketika aku menuju serambi depan penginapan barulah aku melihatnya lagi, di ujung koridor, menatap kosong kearahku lalu tersenyum simpul. Senyum yang tak lama langsung sirna. Ia dibalut jas yang biasanya hanya ia selampirkan di kursi kecil dan ia mengurai rambutnya. Aku menyematkan secarik kertas kecil pada telapak tangan kiri beserta jam kantungnya, namun ia enggan menerima jam kantung yang kukembalikan.
“Simpan, dan jaga baik-baik.”
“Aku akan kembali.”
“Kembali kemana?”
“Ke tempat ini.”
“Untuk apa?”
“Bertemu denganmu. Lagi.”
“Bagaiamana kalau aku sudah pergi?”
“Aku akan tetap datang kesini.”
“Terserahmu.”
Ia meninggalkanku dalam remang-remang lorong kosong, sambil menggumam setelah melihat tulisan kecil di kertas yang kuberikan.
“Aku tidak paham puisi.”

Aku tak menoleh ke belakang saat ia berjalan melewatiku; yang kutahu, saat aku membalikkan badan untuk melihat apakah ia duduk di kursi kecil yang sama atau tidak, ia sudah tak ada, dimanapun. Bahkan tak ada suara pintu dibuka yang menandakan apabila ia memasuki kamarnya. Tidak ada lampu dinding didepan kamar yang menyala, hanya aku dan sunyi. Aku, sunyi, dan jam kantung yang putarannya terbalik mengindikasikan kisah masa lampau.
Sebagaimana ia memberi pesan di malam hari, aku mengirimkan secarik surat dalam bentuk sajak;

Untuk pesan malammu,
Yang tiap barisnya menari
Perih dalam benak,
Biarkan tanyaku dirundung rindu
Dan menjadi alasan
Untuk tertawa pada angan yang terlalu luluh
Mereka berhantu,
Dan akan kembali—
Sebagai sesayat serpih
Untuk melabuhkan kisah yang lain
Dalam seuntai surat malam

Memang tidak ada perlunya aku kembali, sayangnya lagu itu berputar-putar terus di kepalaku. Seolah nada-nadanya nyata mengirimkan pesan dan kisah yang berubah pada tiap bunyinya; fana, hanya dalam benak.

Mungkin cerita memang tidak selalu harus diutarakan secara tersurat begitu saja; akan banyak emosi yang terkikis habis, tidak tersalur secara utuh dalam penyampaiannya. Kisah yang disampaikan akan mati. Namun dalam lagu-lagu yang ia pahat abadi dalam jam itu, dan yang ia lantunkan dengan alat musiknya, ia menggiring hati yang tersesat dalam imaji untuk menguraikan kisah-kisah sendiri berdasarkan benak serta pedih. Dan tiap lembaran kisah itu,
Mereka membara,
Dalam kasih dan hidup yang belum pernah kita jalani,
Bahkan sekalipun.

Aku akan kembali, setelah membawa kidung-kidungnya pulang bersamaku. Bukan kembali pulang, namun kembali menemuinya di kemudian hari. Aku yakin, percaya, ia akan tetap disana—Menatap taman dan hujan. Entah bermimpi, entah bercerita dalam asa. Karena ia seperti laut, yang selalu disana dalam gelagap rindu, selalu ada dalam dahaga dan dan sejuknya malam. Juga seperti hujan, yang datang kala sepi dan tak kunjung pulang jua. Menemani dengan gesit suaranya, dalam tiap rintih fana.

Aku akan kembali,
Dan ia akan ada di sana.

‘Nam Sibyllam quidem Cumis ego ipse oculis meis
vidi in ampulla pendere, et *** illi pueri dicerent:
Sibylla ti theleis; respondebat illa: apothanein thelo.’

                For Ezra Pound
                il miglior fabbro


I. The Burial of the Dead

April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.
Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee
With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,
And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten,
And drank coffee, and talked for an hour.
Bin gar keine Russin, stamm’ aus Litauen, echt deutsch.
And when we were children, staying at the archduke’s,
My cousin’s, he took me out on a sled,
And I was frightened. He said, Marie,
Marie, hold on tight. And down we went.
In the mountains, there you feel free.
I read, much of the night, and go south in the winter.

What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony *******? Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock,
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
            Frisch weht der Wind
            Der Heimat zu
            Mein Irisch Kind,
            Wo weilest du?
‘You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;
‘They called me the hyacinth girl.’
—Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,
Looking into the heart of light, the silence.
Oed’ und leer das Meer.

Madame Sosostris, famous clairvoyante,
Had a bad cold, nevertheless
Is known to be the wisest woman in Europe,
With a wicked pack of cards. Here, said she,
Is your card, the drowned Phoenician Sailor,
(Those are pearls that were his eyes. Look!)
Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks,
The lady of situations.
Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel,
And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card,
Which is blank, is something he carries on his back,
Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find
The Hanged Man. Fear death by water.
I see crowds of people, walking round in a ring.
Thank you. If you see dear Mrs. Equitone,
Tell her I bring the horoscope myself:
One must be so careful these days.

Unreal City,
Under the brown fog of a winter dawn,
A crowd flowed over London Bridge, so many,
I had not thought death had undone so many.
Sighs, short and infrequent, were exhaled,
And each man fixed his eyes before his feet.
Flowed up the hill and down King William Street,
To where Saint Mary Woolnoth kept the hours
With a dead sound on the final stroke of nine.
There I saw one I knew, and stopped him, crying ‘Stetson!
‘You who were with me in the ships at Mylae!
‘That corpse you planted last year in your garden,
‘Has it begun to sprout? Will it bloom this year?
‘Or has the sudden frost disturbed its bed?
‘Oh keep the Dog far hence, that’s friend to men,
‘Or with his nails he’ll dig it up again!
‘You! hypocrite lecteur!—mon semblable,—mon frère!’

II. A Game of Chess

The Chair she sat in, like a burnished throne,
Glowed on the marble, where the glass
Held up by standards wrought with fruited vines
From which a golden Cupidon peeped out
(Another hid his eyes behind his wing)
Doubled the flames of sevenbranched candelabra
Reflecting light upon the table as
The glitter of her jewels rose to meet it,
From satin cases poured in rich profusion;
In vials of ivory and coloured glass
Unstoppered, lurked her strange synthetic perfumes,
Unguent, powdered, or liquid—troubled, confused
And drowned the sense in odours; stirred by the air
That freshened from the window, these ascended
In fattening the prolonged candle-flames,
Flung their smoke into the laquearia,
Stirring the pattern on the coffered ceiling.
Huge sea-wood fed with copper
Burned green and orange, framed by the coloured stone,
In which sad light a carved dolphin swam.
Above the antique mantel was displayed
As though a window gave upon the sylvan scene
The change of Philomel, by the barbarous king
So rudely forced; yet there the nightingale
Filled all the desert with inviolable voice
And still she cried, and still the world pursues,
‘Jug Jug’ to ***** ears.
And other withered stumps of time
Were told upon the walls; staring forms
Leaned out, leaning, hushing the room enclosed.
Footsteps shuffled on the stair.
Under the firelight, under the brush, her hair
Spread out in fiery points
Glowed into words, then would be savagely still.

‘My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with me.
‘Speak to me. Why do you never speak. Speak.
‘What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?
‘I never know what you are thinking. Think.’

I think we are in rats’ alley
Where the dead men lost their bones.

‘What is that noise?
                          The wind under the door.
‘What is that noise now? What is the wind doing?’
                    Nothing again nothing.
                                                    ‘Do
‘You know nothing? Do you see nothing? Do you remember
‘Nothing?’

    I remember
Those are pearls that were his eyes.
‘Are you alive, or not? Is there nothing in your head?’
                                                     But
O O O O that Shakespeherian Rag—
It’s so elegant
So intelligent
‘What shall I do now? What shall I do?’
I shall rush out as I am, and walk the street
‘With my hair down, so. What shall we do to-morrow?
‘What shall we ever do?’
                             The hot water at ten.
And if it rains, a closed car at four.
And we shall play a game of chess,
Pressing lidless eyes and waiting for a knock upon the door.

When Lil’s husband got demobbed, I said—
I didn’t mince my words, I said to her myself,
hurry up please its time
Now Albert’s coming back, make yourself a bit smart.
He’ll want to know what you done with that money he gave you
To get yourself some teeth. He did, I was there.
You have them all out, Lil, and get a nice set,
He said, I swear, I can’t bear to look at you.
And no more can’t I, I said, and think of poor Albert,
He’s been in the army four years, he wants a good time,
And if you don’t give it him, there’s others will, I said.
Oh is there, she said. Something o’ that, I said.
Then I’ll know who to thank, she said, and give me a straight look.
hurry up please its time
If you don’t like it you can get on with it, I said.
Others can pick and choose if you can’t.
But if Albert makes off, it won’t be for lack of telling.
You ought to be ashamed, I said, to look so antique.
(And her only thirty-one.)
I can’t help it, she said, pulling a long face,
It’s them pills I took, to bring it off, she said.
(She’s had five already, and nearly died of young George.)
The chemist said it would be alright, but I’ve never been the same.
You are a proper fool, I said.
Well, if Albert won’t leave you alone, there it is, I said,
What you get married for if you don’t want children?
hurry up please its time
Well, that Sunday Albert was home, they had a hot gammon,
And they asked me in to dinner, to get the beauty of it hot—
hurry up please its time
hurry up please its time
Goonight Bill. Goonight Lou. Goonight May. Goonight.
Ta ta. Goonight. Goonight.
Good night, ladies, good night, sweet ladies, good night, good night.

III. The Fire Sermon

The river’s tent is broken: the last fingers of leaf
Clutch and sink into the wet bank. The wind
Crosses the brown land, unheard. The nymphs are departed.
Sweet Thames, run softly, till I end my song.
The river bears no empty bottles, sandwich papers,
Silk handkerchiefs, cardboard boxes, cigarette ends
Or other testimony of summer nights. The nymphs are departed.
And their friends, the loitering heirs of city directors;
Departed, have left no addresses.
By the waters of Leman I sat down and wept . . .
Sweet Thames, run softly till I end my song,
Sweet Thames, run softly, for I speak not loud or long.
But at my back in a cold blast I hear
The rattle of the bones, and chuckle spread from ear to ear.

A rat crept softly through the vegetation
Dragging its slimy belly on the bank
While I was fishing in the dull canal
On a winter evening round behind the gashouse
Musing upon the king my brother’s wreck
And on the king my father’s death before him.
White bodies naked on the low damp ground
And bones cast in a little low dry garret,
Rattled by the rat’s foot only, year to year.
But at my back from time to time I hear
The sound of horns and motors, which shall bring
Sweeney to Mrs. Porter in the spring.
O the moon shone bright on Mrs. Porter
And on her daughter
They wash their feet in soda water
Et O ces voix d’enfants, chantant dans la coupole!

Twit twit twit
Jug jug jug jug jug jug
So rudely forc’d.
Tereu

Unreal City
Under the brown fog of a winter noon
Mr. Eugenides, the Smyrna merchant
Unshaven, with a pocket full of currants
C.i.f. London: documents at sight,
Asked me in demotic French
To luncheon at the Cannon Street Hotel
Followed by a weekend at the Metropole.

At the violet hour, when the eyes and back
Turn upward from the desk, when the human engine waits
Like a taxi throbbing waiting,
I Tiresias, though blind, throbbing between two lives,
Old man with wrinkled female *******, can see
At the violet hour, the evening hour that strives
Homeward, and brings the sailor home from sea,
The typist home at teatime, clears her breakfast, lights
Her stove, and lays out food in tins.
Out of the window perilously spread
Her drying combinations touched by the sun’s last rays,
On the divan are piled (at night her bed)
Stockings, slippers, camisoles, and stays.
I Tiresias, old man with wrinkled dugs
Perceived the scene, and foretold the rest—
I too awaited the expected guest.
He, the young man carbuncular, arrives,
A small house agent’s clerk, with one bold stare,
One of the low on whom assurance sits
As a silk hat on a Bradford millionaire.
The time is now propitious, as he guesses,
The meal is ended, she is bored and tired,
Endeavours to engage her in caresses
Which still are unreproved, if undesired.
Flushed and decided, he assaults at once;
Exploring hands encounter no defence;
His vanity requires no response,
And makes a welcome of indifference.
(And I Tiresias have foresuffered all
Enacted on this same divan or bed;
I who have sat by Thebes below the wall
And walked among the lowest of the dead.)
Bestows one final patronising kiss,
And gropes his way, finding the stairs unlit . . .

She turns and looks a moment in the glass,
Hardly aware of her departed lover;
Her brain allows one half-formed thought to pass:
‘Well now that’s done: and I’m glad it’s over.’
When lovely woman stoops to folly and
Paces about her room again, alone,
She smoothes her hair with automatic hand,
And puts a record on the gramophone.

‘This music crept by me upon the waters’
And along the Strand, up Queen Victoria Street.
O City city, I can sometimes hear
Beside a public bar in Lower Thames Street,
The pleasant whining of a mandoline
And a clatter and a chatter from within
Where fishmen lounge at noon: where the walls
Of Magnus Martyr hold
Inexplicable splendour of Ionian white and gold.

      The river sweats
      Oil and tar
      The barges drift
      With the turning tide
      Red sails
      Wide
      To leeward, swing on the heavy spar.
      The barges wash
      Drifting logs
      Down Greenwich reach
      Past the Isle of Dogs.
                  Weialala leia
                  Wallala leialala

      Elizabeth and Leicester
      Beating oars
      The stern was formed
      A gilded shell
      Red and gold
      The brisk swell
      Rippled both shores
      Southwest wind
      Carried down stream
      The peal of bells
      White towers
                  Weialala leia
                  Wallala leialala

‘Trams and dusty trees.
Highbury bore me. Richmond and Kew
Undid me. By Richmond I raised my knees
Supine on the floor of a narrow canoe.’
‘My feet are at Moorgate, and my heart
Under my feet. After the event
He wept. He promised ‘a new start’.
I made no comment. What should I resent?’
‘On Margate Sands.
I can connect
Nothing with nothing.
The broken fingernails of ***** hands.
My people humble people who expect
Nothing.’
              la la

To Carthage then I came

Burning burning burning burning
O Lord Thou pluckest me out
O Lord Thou pluckest

burning

IV. Death by Water

Phlebas the Phoenician, a fortnight dead,
Forgot the cry of gulls, and the deep sea swell
And the profit and loss.
                                A current under sea
Picked his bones in whispers. As he rose and fell
He passed the stages of his age and youth
Entering the whirlpool.
                               Gentile or Jew
O you who turn the wheel and look to windward,
Consider Phlebas, who was once handsome and tall as you.

V. What the Thunder Said

After the torchlight red on sweaty faces
After the frosty silence in the gardens
After the agony in stony places
The shouting and the crying
Prison and palace and reverberation
Of thunder of spring over distant mountains
He who was living is now dead
We who were living are now dying
With a little patience

Here is no water but only rock
Rock and no water and the sandy road
The road winding above among the mountains
Which are mountains of rock wi

Cerita Pendek Tentang Hantu*
Sebuah cerita pendek*

Anak-anak muda itu bilang bahwa Sundari cumalah hantu. Bagi mereka, Sundari sekedar cerita orang-orang tua zaman dahulu yang tak ingin anak lakinya pergi sampai larut malam. Parahnya lagi, mereka terkadang menganggap Sundari isapan jempol dan menggunakan namanya sebagai ejekan. Berbagai lelucon mereka buat untuk merendahkan Sundari,

Mereka pada saat tertentu menganggapnya seperti hewan kelaparan yang bersembunyi dan siap menerkam mereka,

Ketakutan sesaat.

Sayangnya, pada hari-hari berikutnya, Sundari malah terkadang lebih rendah daripada hewan.

Jika binatang buas dapat sewaktu-waktu muncul dan menyantap mereka dengan mudah, para pemuda justru berpikir bahwa mereka lebih tinggi dan mulia dibanding Sundari sehingga ia hanya akan menjadi segelibat penampakan.

Sundari cuma monster dan angan-angan, katanya, di zaman seperti ini mana ada hantu penculik jejaka. Pikiran anak muda memang berbeda dengan kebanyakan orangtuanya.

Padahal, Sundari sama seperti kita.

Sundari bukanlah siluman, hantu, atau makhluk mengerikan yang layak dijadikan lelucon semata.

Apalagi bahan cerita setan dan sarana menakut-nakuti bocah.

Dengar baik-baik, ia tidak terbang, ia tidak menghilang. Ah, Sundari bahkan tak punya kemampuan macam itu.

Sundari berjalan dengan dua kaki, melihat dengan dua mata, dan dapat memelukmu dengan dua tangan hangatnya. Yang mungkin berbeda adalah hati Sundari yang entah di mana sekarang. Inilah yang membuat ibu-ibu dengan anak lelaki begitu menakuti Sundari. Mereka yakin bahwa Sundari-lah yang akhir-akhir ini menculik buah hati mereka yang pergi malam, lalu menghilang selama satu minggu dan ditemukan gundul tanpa nyawa,

Tanpa hati,

Pada suatu sore yang hangat di padang ilalang dekat dusun.

Beberapa mengira bahwa Sundari adalah perwujudan pesugihan atau tumbal yang mengincar jawara-jawara muda, seperti andong-andong pocong yang dahulu sempat marak. Dahulu, pergantian kepala dusun di sini dilakukan dengan adu kekuatan. Para sesepuh percaya bahwa teh dari seduhan rambut pemuda dapat memperkuat diri dan meningkatkan kekebalan, ini menjadi salah satu spekulasi motif Sundari selain tumbal-tumbalan itu. Beberapa berpikir kalau Sundari menjual rambut lelaki muda di desa demi mendapatkan keuntungan baginya.

Kalau di antara gadis-gadis belia nan jelita yang bergelimang asmara, Sundari kerap digunakan sebagai sebutan untuk penyerebot kekasih orang. Terkadang huruf i di hilangkan, sehingga menjadi Sundar saja.

“Dasar, dia memang Sundari!”

“Padahal telah lama kita menjalin kasih, kenapa ia harus jatuh ke tangan Sundar macam dirinya!”

Apa Sundari begitu buruk hingga namanya lekat dengan orang serta kasih yang hilang?

Padahal dahulu Sundari hidup tenang,

Memang dahulu ia juga sumber perhatian,

Tapi ia hidup tenang dan dihujani kasih—

Yah, itu sebelum dusun ini akhirnya mengadili sendiri suaminya yang sepuluh tahun lebih muda darinya. Menurut mereka, sangat tidak masuk akal seorang wanita pintar, seperti Sundari yang bekerja sebagai pendidik, memiliki suami yang lebih muda darinya. Pemuda berambut panjang itu hidupnya mungkin berkesan asal-asalan. Dandanannya serampangan, rambutnya berantakan dan panjang; padahal di dusun ini, sangat wajar bagi lelaki untuk memiliki rambut panjang. Banyak yang bilang tubuhnya bau tengik, dan ia jarang terlihat bekerja. Pada kedua tangannya, sering terdapat guratan-guratan warna. Berbeda dengan para petani pekerja keras yang terkadang tangannya diwarnai oleh tanah, warna-warna yang ada pada tangannya merupakan warna cerah yang tak mungkin didapatkan secara alami. Namun Sundari dan suaminya tetap dapat hidup dengan layak dan nyaman menggunakan upah mereka. Pasangan itu tak pernah meminjam uang, tak pernah mencuri.

Tak di sangka, orang-orang di dusun yang memandang bahwa agar dapat hidup berkecukupan harus digandrungi serta ditempa dengan kerja keras yang dapat dilihat oleh semua orang memandang bahwa dalam rumah tangga itu, hanya Sundari yang bekerja keras melayani suaminya. Sedangkan sang lelaki, menurut mereka, ambil enaknya saja dan kesehariannya sekedar leha-leha di teras rumah kayu mereka sambil merokok sebatang dua batang.

Mereka, terutama para bujangan, mencari-cari kesalahan pasutri bahagia itu.

Mereka kembali memanggil-manggil dan menggoda Sundari yang makin merapatkan kerudung hijau yang biasanya ia selampirkan apabila berjalan ke sekolah tiap pagi dengan kebaya sederhananya. Para bujang itu dipimpin oleh  Cak Topel yang istrinya lumpuh dan selalu ia tinggal sendiri dirumah. Mereka menungguinya tiap pulang, dan menghalangi jalannya kembali kerumah. Pernah sekali suaminya mengantarnya ke gedung sekolah reot itu, dan menungguinya sampai pulang. Sedihnya, ditengah perjalanan pulang ia babak belur dihajar  pemuda-pemuda berbadan besar itu—Setelahnya, Sundari melarangnya untuk sering menampakkan dirinya di depan warga dusun.

Yang harus dikagumi di sini adalah sifat pantang menyerah mereka. Berbagai upaya telah dilakukan untuk menjungkalkan Sundari dan suaminya dalam fitnah, sampai akhirnya mereka mencium sesuatu yang janggal dari rumah senyap mereka.

Bau tengik,

Ada yang bilang, jenis pesugihan macam tuyul sebagus apapun tetap akan mengeluarkan bau tengik atau busuk.

Mereka mulai menyambungkan hal ini dengan warna pada tangan suami Sundari,

“Itu tidak mungkin didapat dari bekerja di ladang.”

“Warna-warna itu pasti ramuan dukun.”

Dari situ, dapat dipastikan bagaimana Sundari dan suaminya dapat selalu hidup berkecukupan bahkan dengan uang mereka yang pas-pasan. Bujang-bujang berbadan besar itu segera menyebarkan cerita dan tuduhan-tuduhan yang membuat telinga panas. Sundari dan suaminya makin menarik diri dari warga dusun. Sundari bahkan berhenti mengajar setelah menemui kelas-kelas yang seharusnya ia ajar seringkali kosong, dan menemukan tatapan-tatapan sinis para ibu rumah tangga mengintipnya dari depan pagar kayu sekolah yang alakadarnya itu.

Entah kita harus bersyukur atau tidak, persembunyian itu tidak berlangsung lama. Pada sebuah malam bulan purnama yang lembab dan becek, Sundari melihat bola-bola cahaya dari jendela rumahnya yang ditutupi oleh anyaman jerami. Nyala api itu berasal dari berpuluh obor warga dusun yang berteriak-teriak dan menuntut Sundari dan suaminya agar mengaku bahwa mereka menggunakan pesugihan.

Sundari keluar sembari menyelampirkan kerudung hijaunya, diikuti suaminya yang rambutnya digelung tak rapih. Belum sempat mereka mengucapkan sepatah kata, para bujang menarik suami Sundari dengan menjambaknya dan melamparkannya ke tanah becek, menendangi pertunya, lalu menghajarnya seolah ia binatang peliharaan yang tak pernah patuh pada majikannya. Sundari hanya dapat menjerit dan menariki baju sejumlah laki-laki yang menghunuskan kepalannya pada tubuh kecil dan rapuh orang yang dicintainya. Setinggi apapun ia berteriak, suaranya seolah tenggelam dalam arus deras kebencian yang tak berdasar.

Jeritan untuk orang yang dikasihi itu lambat laun berubah menjadi jeritan untuk dirinya sendiri. Istri Cak Topel yang lumpuh rupanya merayap di tanah dengan sigap seolah laba-laba berkaki seribu, dan menarik bagian belakang kebaya Sundari sampai ia terjerembab ke tanah di mana ujung matanya menangkap sang suami yang rambutnya digunduli tanpa ampun dengan alat yang tak pantas. Saat menyaksikan adegan romansa sedih tersebut, wanita-wanita dusun menjambaki rambutnya, menampari pipinya dan menghajarnya tanpa ampun sambil menghujaninya dengan ludah-ludah mereka yang menasbihkan berpuluh hujatan menyayat hati. Setelah pasutri itu terkulai lemas di tanah musim hujan, barulah warga membumihanguskan mereka berdua yang tangannya tetap bergandengan.

Nasib naas, entah harus disyukuri atau tidak, menimpa suaminya yang terbakar hangus sepenuhnya. Sedangkan Sundari, dengan tubuhnya yang telah setengah terbakar, berhasil kabur dan hilang dari peredaran untuk beberapa saat.

Untuk beberapa saat,

Sampai lelaki yang menggoda, menghajar, membawa mereka pada keterpurukkan semuanya hilang satu persatu, termasuk Cak Topel.

Mereka hilang kala malam, saat cangkruk atau ronda, dan ditemukan lebam sekujur tubuh, tak bernyawa, dan gundul tanpa sehelai rambut pun pada sore hari di tengah padang ilalang dekat dusun.

Orang-orang bilang bahwa ini Sundari yang menuntut balas. Meskipun entah di mana dirinya berada, ia masih tetap menghantui. Membayang-bayangi dengan perasaan bersalah yang menyakitkan bagi seluruh warga dusun,

Karena

Sundari dan suaminya tidak pernah melakukan pesugihan.

Dan, ah, itu cuma tipu muslihat para bujangan yang cemburu dan bersedih karena tak bisa mendapatkan Sundari dalam dekapan mereka sekeras apapun mereka berusaha. Entah sudah berapa lelaki dan lamarannya ditolaknya, ia justru jatuh hati pada pelukis bertubuh kecil yang sepuluh tahun lebih muda darinya.

Bagaimana amarah mereka tidak tersulut?

Seandainya warga dusun lebih mengenal bau cat dan minyak untuk melukis, mungkin mereka akan berpikir dua kali untuk menuduh Sundari dan suaminya terkait pesugihan.

Ah, coba mereka masuk ke rumah kayu kecil itu sebelum main hakim sendiri. Mereka tak akan sekaget itu saat menemukan gubuknya penuh dengan cat dengan bau tengiknya, tumpukan kertas dan bahan bacaan, serta lukisan-lukisan yang masih dikerjakan.

Hilangnya para bujangan lalu diikuti dengan hilangnya murid-murid sekolah menengahnya, dan lelaki muda lainnya yang sama sekali tak ada hubungannya dengan ini.

Sundari tidak berhenti.

Mereka hilang kala malam, saat cangkruk atau berjalan di pematang sawah, saat menantang diri mengaku “tidak takut dengan Sundari itu!” lalu ditemukan dengan lebam sekujur tubuh, tak bernyawa, dan gundul tanpa sehelai rambut pun pada sore hari di tengah padang ilalang dekat dusun.

Sundari menyukai kerudung hijaunya yang hilang kala malam,

Kerudung tipis indah yang digunakan untuk menutupi kondenya—Yang direnggut paksa darinya lalu hangus rata dengan tanah.

Tapi Sundari lebih menyukai kehadiran,

Kehadiran suaminya dan tangannya yang bekerja melukis diam, kehadiran kerudung hijau yang melindunginya dari tatapan tajam, kehadiran murid-murid lelakinya yang dengan polos melontarkan lelucon serta godaan-godaan untuk Ibu Guru Sundari mereka, kehadiran anak-anakmu yang sombong.

Sundari menyukai kehadiran, dan itu merupakan alasan lain mengapa ia menggundul habis lelaki yang diculiknya, lalu mengupulkan rambut mereka yang ia sambung, anyam, serta kenakan dengan nyaman bak kerudung dan mantel bulu.

Maka dari itu, orang-orang yang melihatnya terkadang bilang kalau Sundari cumalah hantu; bayang-bayangnya selalu muncul dalam bentuk segumpal rambut menjelang malam.

Sundari lebih suka kehadiran,

Keadilan.

Tapi apa membalas dendam seperti ini juga salah satu bentuk keadilan?

Entahlah, ini pilihan hidup Sundari. Sudah kubilang kalau hatinya entah di mana.

Sekali lagi, Sundari bukanlah hantu. Ia manusia yang teraniaya sama seperti kita. Manusia yang disalahi.

Kalau dipikir lagi, bukannya setan terkejam adalah manusia sendiri?

Yah, itu sih sudah berpuluh tahun lalu. Entah apa jadinya Sundari sekarang. Sekarang lelaki cenderung berambut pendek, tak seperti dulu. Bayang-bayang Sundari kemungkinan tidak se beringas waktu itu, dan telah berkurang frekuensinya. Namun wanti-wanti mengenai dirinya terus ada dan berubah seiring berjalannya waktu, bervariasi.

Itu sudah
Berpuluh tahun lalu.
Mungkin sekarang ia telah jadi hantu sungguhan, atau ada perwujudan Sundari-Sundari lainnya?

Tidak masuk akal, ya?

Aneh, omong kosong, isapan jempol.

Kalau dipikir lagi, bukannya dunia ini selalu penuh omong kosong dan tangis dalam gelak tawa?

we have a clock up on the mantel
it's right just twice each day
but, when you get to my age
i guess that it's ok
i don't need clocks to keep in time
my body works for me
i don't need hands on an old clock
to tell me when to ***

my stomach says it's time to eat
the clock says ten past eight
it's three hours off as i can see
but, still ....i think it's great
the clocks been there through seven kids
four dogs, two cats, one wife
it's no wonder that with all of that
it barely has a life

you can still hear it try ticking
if you give it a good wind
i'd hate to look inside it
for fear of what i'd find
the cuckoo clock i used to own
went cockeyed, the bird died
i couldn't get the cuckoo back
no matter how i tried

i figure now at eighty six
that time has passed me by
i used to be quite punctual
i was just that sort of guy
but, now the clock up on my mantel
it's right twice...and i see
it's ten past eight again my friends
so...it means it's time for tea.

287

A Clock stopped—
Not the Mantel’s—
Geneva’s farthest skill
Can’t put the puppet bowing—
That just now dangled still—

An awe came on the Trinket!
The Figures hunched, with pain—
Then quivered out of Decimals—
Into Degreeless Noon—

It will not stir for Doctors—
This Pendulum of snow—
This Shopman importunes it—
While cool—concernless No—

Nods from the Gilded pointers—
Nods from the Seconds slim—
Decades of Arrogance between
The Dial life—
And Him—

[Greek: Mellonta  sauta’]

These things are in the future.

Sophocles—’Antig.’

‘Una.’

“Born again?”

‘Monos.’

Yes, fairest and best beloved Una, “born again.” These were
the words upon whose mystical meaning I had so long
pondered, rejecting the explanations of the priesthood,
until Death itself resolved for me the secret.

‘Una.’

Death!

‘Monos.’

How strangely, sweet Una, you echo my words! I
observe, too, a vacillation in your step, a joyous
inquietude in your eyes. You are confused and oppressed by
the majestic novelty of the Life Eternal. Yes, it was of
Death I spoke. And here how singularly sounds that word
which of old was wont to bring terror to all hearts,
throwing a mildew upon all pleasures!

‘Una.’

Ah, Death, the spectre which sate at all feasts! How often,
Monos, did we lose ourselves in speculations upon its
nature! How mysteriously did it act as a check to human
bliss, saying unto it, “thus far, and no farther!” That
earnest mutual love, my own Monos, which burned within our
bosoms, how vainly did we flatter ourselves, feeling happy
in its first upspringing that our happiness would strengthen
with its strength! Alas, as it grew, so grew in our hearts
the dread of that evil hour which was hurrying to separate
us forever! Thus in time it became painful to love. Hate
would have been mercy then.

‘Monos’.

Speak not here of these griefs, dear Una—mine, mine
forever now!

‘Una’.

But the memory of past sorrow, is it not present joy? I have
much to say yet of the things which have been. Above all, I
burn to know the incidents of your own passage through the
dark Valley and Shadow.

‘Monos’.

And when did the radiant Una ask anything of her Monos in
vain? I will be minute in relating all, but at what point
shall the weird narrative begin?

‘Una’.

At what point?

‘Monos’.

You have said.

‘Una’.

Monos, I comprehend you. In Death we have both learned the
propensity of man to define the indefinable. I will not say,
then, commence with the moment of life’s cessation—but
commence with that sad, sad instant when, the fever having
abandoned you, you sank into a breathless and motionless
torpor, and I pressed down your pallid eyelids with the
passionate fingers of love.

‘Monos’.

One word first, my Una, in regard to man’s general condition
at this epoch. You will remember that one or two of the wise
among our forefathers—wise in fact, although not in
the world’s esteem—had ventured to doubt the propriety
of the term “improvement,” as applied to the progress of our
civilization. There were periods in each of the five or six
centuries immediately preceding our dissolution when arose
some vigorous intellect, boldly contending for those
principles whose truth appears now, to our disenfranchised
reason, so utterly obvious —principles which should
have taught our race to submit to the guidance of the
natural laws rather than attempt their control. At long
intervals some master-minds appeared, looking upon each
advance in practical science as a retrogradation in the true
utility. Occasionally the poetic intellect—that
intellect which we now feel to have been the most exalted of
all—since those truths which to us were of the most
enduring importance could only be reached by that analogy
which speaks in proof-tones to the imagination alone,
and to the unaided reason bears no weight—occasionally
did this poetic intellect proceed a step farther in the
evolving of the vague idea of the philosophic, and find in
the mystic parable that tells of the tree of knowledge, and
of its forbidden fruit, death-producing, a distinct
intimation that knowledge was not meet for man in the infant
condition of his soul. And these men—the poets—
living and perishing amid the scorn of the
“utilitarians”—of rough pedants, who arrogated to
themselves a title which could have been properly applied
only to the scorned—these men, the poets, pondered
piningly, yet not unwisely, upon the ancient days when our
wants were not more simple than our enjoyments were
keen—days when mirth was a word unknown, so
solemnly deep-toned was happiness—holy, august, and
blissful days, blue rivers ran undammed, between hills
unhewn, into far forest solitudes, primeval, odorous, and
unexplored. Yet these noble exceptions from the general
misrule served but to strengthen it by opposition. Alas! we
had fallen upon the most evil of all our evil days. The
great “movement”—that was the cant term—went on:
a diseased commotion, moral and physical. Art—the
Arts—arose supreme, and once enthroned, cast chains
upon the intellect which had elevated them to power. Man,
because he could not but acknowledge the majesty of Nature,
fell into childish exultation at his acquired and still-
increasing dominion over her elements. Even while he stalked
a God in his own fancy, an infantine imbecility came over
him. As might be supposed from the origin of his disorder,
he grew infected with system, and with abstraction. He
enwrapped himself in generalities. Among other odd ideas,
that of universal equality gained ground; and in the face of
analogy and of God—in despite of the loud warning
voice of the laws of gradation so visibly pervading
all things in Earth and Heaven—wild attempts at an
omniprevalent Democracy were made. Yet this evil sprang
necessarily from the leading evil, Knowledge. Man could not
both know and succumb. Meantime huge smoking cities arose,
innumerable. Green leaves shrank before the hot breath of
furnaces. The fair face of Nature was deformed as with the
ravages of some loathsome disease. And methinks, sweet Una,
even our slumbering sense of the forced and of the far-
fetched might have arrested us here. But now it appears that
we had worked out our own destruction in the ******* of
our taste, or rather in the blind neglect of its
culture in the schools. For, in truth, it was at this crisis
that taste alone—that faculty which, holding a middle
position between the pure intellect and the moral sense,
could never safely have been disregarded—it was now
that taste alone could have led us gently back to Beauty, to
Nature, and to Life. But alas for the pure contemplative
spirit and majestic intuition of Plato! Alas for the [Greek:
mousichae]  which he justly regarded as an all-sufficient
education for the soul! Alas for him and for it!—since
both were most desperately needed, when both were most
entirely forgotten or despised. Pascal, a philosopher whom
we both love, has said, how truly!—”Que tout notre
raisonnement se reduit a ceder au sentiment;” and it is
not impossible that the sentiment of the natural, had time
permitted it, would have regained its old ascendency over
the harsh mathematical reason of the schools. But this thing
was not to be. Prematurely induced by intemperance of
knowledge, the old age of the world drew near. This the mass
of mankind saw not, or, living lustily although unhappily,
affected not to see. But, for myself, the Earth’s records
had taught me to look for widest ruin as the price of
highest civilization. I had imbibed a prescience of our Fate
from comparison of China the simple and enduring, with
Assyria the architect, with Egypt the astrologer, with
Nubia, more crafty than either, the turbulent mother of all
Arts. In the history of these regions I met with a ray from
the Future. The individual artificialities of the three
latter were local diseases of the Earth, and in their
individual overthrows we had seen local remedies applied;
but for the infected world at large I could anticipate no
regeneration save in death. That man, as a race, should not
become extinct, I saw that he must be “born again.”

And now it was, fairest and dearest, that we wrapped our
spirits, daily, in dreams. Now it was that, in twilight, we
discoursed of the days to come, when the Art-scarred surface
of the Earth, having undergone that purification which alone
could efface its rectangular obscenities, should clothe
itself anew in the verdure and the mountain-slopes and the
smiling waters of Paradise, and be rendered at length a fit
dwelling-place for man:—for man the
Death-purged—for man to whose now exalted intellect
there should be poison in knowledge no more—for the
redeemed, regenerated, blissful, and now immortal, but still
for the material, man.

‘Una’.

Well do I remember these conversations, dear Monos; but the
epoch of the fiery overthrow was not so near at hand as we
believed, and as the corruption you indicate did surely
warrant us in believing. Men lived; and died individually.
You yourself sickened, and passed into the grave; and
thither your constant Una speedily followed you. And though
the century which has since elapsed, and whose conclusion
brings up together once more, tortured our slumbering senses
with no impatience of duration, yet my Monos, it was a
century still.

‘Monos’.

Say, rather, a point in the vague infinity. Unquestionably,
it was in the Earth’s dotage that I died. Wearied at heart
with anxieties which had their origin in the general turmoil
and decay, I succumbed to the fierce fever. After some few
days of pain, and many of dreamy delirium replete with
ecstasy, the manifestations of which you mistook for pain,
while I longed but was impotent to undeceive you—after
some days there came upon me, as you have said, a breathless
and motionless torpor; and this was termed Death by
those who stood around me.

Words are vague things. My condition did not deprive me of
sentience. It appeared to me not greatly dissimilar to the
extreme quiescence of him, who, having slumbered long and
profoundly, lying motionless and fully prostrate in a mid-
summer noon, begins to steal slowly back into consciousness,
through the mere sufficiency of his sleep, and without being
awakened by external disturbances.

I breathed no longer. The pulses were still. The heart had
ceased to beat. Volition had not departed, but was
powerless. The senses were unusually active, although
eccentrically so—assuming often each other’s functions
at random. The taste and the smell were inextricably
confounded, and became one sentiment, abnormal and intense.
The rose-water with which your tenderness had moistened my
lips to the last, affected me with sweet fancies of
flowers—fantastic flowers, far more lovely than any of
the old Earth, but whose prototypes we have here blooming
around us. The eye-lids, transparent and bloodless, offered
no complete impediment to vision. As volition was in
abeyance, the ***** could not roll in their sockets—
but all objects within the range of the visual hemisphere
were seen with more or less distinctness; the rays which
fell upon the external retina, or into the corner of the
eye, producing a more vivid effect than those which struck
the front or interior surface. Yet, in the former instance,
this effect was so far anomalous that I appreciated it only
as sound—sound sweet or discordant as the
matters presenting themselves at my side were light or dark
in shade—curved or angular in outline. The hearing, at
the same time, although excited in degree, was not irregular
in action—estimating real sounds with an extravagance
of precision, not less than of sensibility. Touch had
undergone a modification more peculiar. Its impressions were
tardily received, but pertinaciously retained, and resulted
always in the highest physical pleasure. Thus the pressure
of your sweet fingers upon my eyelids, at first only
recognized through vision, at length, long after their
removal, filled my whole being with a sensual delight
immeasurable. I say with a sensual delight. All my
perceptions were purely sensual. The materials furnished the
passive brain by the senses were not in the least degree
wrought into shape by the deceased understanding. Of pain
there was some little; of pleasure there was much; but of
moral pain or pleasure none at all. Thus your wild sobs
floated into my ear with all their mournful cadences, and
were appreciated in their every variation of sad tone; but
they were soft musical sounds and no more; they conveyed to
the extinct reason no intimation of the sorrows which gave
them birth; while large and constant tears which fell upon
my face, telling the bystanders of a heart which broke,
thrilled every fibre of my frame with ecstasy alone. And
this was in truth the Death of which these bystanders
spoke reverently, in low whispers—you, sweet Una,
gaspingly, with loud cries.

They attired me for the coffin—three or four dark
figures which flitted busily to and fro. As these crossed
the direct line of my vision they affected me as forms;
but upon passing to my side their images impressed me
with the idea of shrieks, groans, and, other dismal
expressions of terror, of horror, or of woe. You alone,
habited in a white robe, passed in all directions musically
about.

The day waned; and, as its light faded away, I became
possessed by a vague uneasiness—an anxiety such as the
sleeper feels when sad real sounds fall continuously within
his ear—low distant bell-tones, solemn, at long but
equal intervals, and commingling with melancholy dreams.
Night arrived; and with its shadows a heavy discomfort. It
oppressed my limbs with the oppression of some dull weight,
and was palpable. There was also a moaning sound, not unlike
the distant reverberation of surf, but more continuous,
which, beginning with the first twilight, had grown in
strength with the darkness. Suddenly lights were brought
into the rooms, and this reverberation became forthwith
interrupted into frequent unequal bursts of the same sound,
but less dreary and less distinct. The ponderous oppression
was in a great measure relieved; and, issuing from the flame
of each lamp (for there were many), there flowed unbrokenly
into my ears a strain of melodious monotone. And when now,
dear Una, approaching the bed upon which I lay outstretched,
you sat gently by my side, breathing odor from your sweet
lips, and pressing them upon my brow, there arose
tremulously within my *****, and mingling with the merely
physical sensations which circumstances had called forth, a
something akin to sentiment itself—a feeling that,
half appreciating, half responded to your earnest love and
sorrow; but this feeling took no root in the pulseless
heart, and seemed indeed rather a shadow than a reality, and
faded quickly away, first into extreme quiescence, and then
into a purely sensual pleasure as before.

And now, from the wreck and the chaos of the usual senses,
there appeared to have arisen within me a sixth, all
perfect. In its exercise I found a wild delight—yet a
delight still physical, inasmuch as the understanding had in
it no part. Motion in the animal frame had fully ceased. No
muscle quivered; no nerve thrilled; no artery throbbed. But
there seemed to have sprung up in the brain that of
which no words could convey to the merely human intelligence
even an indistinct conception. Let me term it a mental
pendulous pulsation. It was the moral embodiment of man’s
abstract idea of Time. By the absolute equalization
of this movement—or of such as this—had the
cycles of the firmamental orbs themselves been adjusted. By
its aid I measured the irregularities of the clock upon the
mantel, and of the watches of the attendants. Their tickings
came sonorously to my ears. The slightest deviations from
the true proportion—and these deviations were
omniprevalent—affected me just as violations of
abstract truth were wont on earth to affect the moral sense.
Although no two of the timepieces in the chamber struck the
individual seconds accurately together, yet I had no
difficulty in holding steadily in mind the tones, and the
respective momentary errors of each. And this—this
keen, perfect self-existing sentiment of
duration—this sentiment existing (as man could
not possibly have conceived it to exist) independently of
any succession of events—this idea—this sixth
sense, upspringing from the ashes of the rest, was the first
obvious and certain step of the intemporal soul upon the
threshold of the temporal eternity.

It was midnight; and you still sat by my side. All others
had departed from the chamber of Death. They had deposited
me in the coffin. The lamps burned flickeringly; for this I
knew by the tremulousness of the monotonous strains. But
suddenly these strains diminished in distinctness and in
volume. Finally they ceased. The perfume in my nostrils died
aw

The griffin outside my balcony
squinted and shook
flipping Kansas City
upside down and back.

Giant flakes descended
like softest down -
coating the plaza below
with a mantel of frosted white.

The griffin is squinting once more.
Watch out; hold on tight!
Here we go again
whirling about in a cyclonic flurry
of magic fairy crystals.

*August, 2010

When words no longer hold
invite or excite
that inward response
That once so gathered deep
within ones keep
of the visions of the mind.

There's a loss
a disappearance of sorts
that winged upon a fancy flies
then dies
deep inside the mellow chamber
of dreams.

The tears
that once as years
fades upon the old framed image
that like a crust surrounds
abounds
the only affordable expanse
the on vestige of what once
were little filters of oneself.

And here in photos are but the images
that once skirted as the dreams within
between and through
and true
like
the soft textured rolls
of film and paper, that now
rests upon the tables, the mantels
as reflections of what was.

And the words
still unapproachable
fails to grasp
or gasp
the meaning of the visions
that here once clouded a mind bright and full
Through
those promises of  days,  nights
To rest, now forever humble
To memories long gone.

Alisdaire O'Caoimph

dead friends on the mantelpiece
to scripture over our lives
salivate and dictate from the sidelines
        - as i grow a family -
they become hidden behind a build up
                            of favourite greeting cards
                  too pretty to let go of

I grab at illusions
They fog my brain
And emotions
Then softly melt

I acquire crates
Of love and vows
Upon the mantel they stay
But some things get lost
Along the way.

Sample my elixir
I hear the gypsy woman
A cure for the broken heart
A balm for the scars of love

I collect the cures
They merely feed the disease
Upon the mantel they stay
But some things get lost
Along the way

I seem to strive
For second best
It has its charms
And lower expectations

That sharp pinnacle
In the blazing midday sun
Exists for climbers
Scaling their dreams

I prefer to seek
The plaintiff plateau
Upon the mantel they stay
But some things get lost
Along the way