When complexities increase in number,
brashly jerking me from slumber,
When dilemma stares me in the face,
dragging me into the modern rat race,
I simply ask myself, what would Holmes do?

When there is a downpour of worries all at once,
forcing me to gaffe about and act like a dunce,
When diabolical questions pop up now and then,
making me ponder how and when,
I ask myself,what would Jeeves do?

If only Mr. Holmes were to be my guide,
and the inimitable Jeeves were by my side,
My remotest feelings to them I'd confide,
without having them rebuke or chide,
because Holmes and Jeeves would know what to do.

While Holmes would take the bull by its horns,
Jeeves would provide against obstacles and thorns,
Holmes would know  what to say,
Jeeves would put in a tactful way,
because Holmes and Jeeves would know what to do.  


So, when headaches and woes come in fleets,
I go in my mind to those London streets,
I consult them with a problem or two,
Because Holmes and Jeeves know exactly what to do.

Now, if you think I am the only writer or poet of my kind in this New Age Millennium, you are mistaken

There is me that is, Sammy Kendricks and my crew of reject ragtag writers extraordinaire who are going to change this world

First on the roster we have Haden Zanders, a poet who tackles topics from a humorous but  intelligent and eloquent way

Then there's Zach Nichols my personal shaman, he's into paganism, mysticism, alchemy and spirituality as a whole
His writing is out of this world, literally and add to it he's a musician who is single handedly innovating the neo tribal music genre

Next In Derek Neman, a poet and musican close to my heart, a bit younger than the rest of us but still hold his own
He is loving, caring and has a strong spirit that I know will take him wherever he goes
His words can make mountains weep

Then there are Kaspar and Otto
Kaspar is a poet of the romantic variety, hopelessly devoted to love
Otto is a writer who can sum up any topic in a matter of a few lines
But powerful lines they be
Short, sweet and to the point

Up next is my good friend Jeeves, Jeeves isn't his real name
His real name is Nat but that was too boring so we all call him Jeeves
He is one of the mad ones, stricken with a severe case of wanderlust and wonderment
He served in the navy for three years
Now he's back and writes of his travels and his loves and losses
He paint, plays bass and philosophizes the human condition

Of course how could I forget Pete, a clean cut good 'ol boy
Always down to meet woman and have a drink and make a night out of a day
He writes rhymes like I've never seen
So vibrant and addicting

We all have that friend we **** heads with and Sonny is that friend for me
We're opposites in every sense of the word
You all know me so imagine the reverse
But his writing is political, realistic, stoic, emotional and completely him
I love him to death, there will come a day where we throw down

Now finally last but not least
You know him
You love him
You hate him
It's the Don Juan of Dumont
The one and only
Quincy Valero
His writing reads as fast as he lives
A mile a minute
Girls, cars, drugs, food, parties
Excess and excitement
Memories and mistakes
Highs and lows
Yes

But of course we have other non writing friends
Zeik Adams my engineering friend whos gonna be rich someday
Nyal Jensen our dancing friend who always brings it to the floor in every club we hit
Ahio Rikashi our best bud from the far east, romantic and deep
Kyle Filmore my trippy drummer
And Mike Neman, Derek's younger brother and one of my closest friends

We've all shared pain and laughter
Trips, drunken evenings
Road trips, meals
Quarrels and misunderstandings
But we all care about each other
And all of our writing and our goal to always be there to check the pulse of this world
Hell, even start it up when it wains off every now and then
We're here to give this generation a kick start
A reminder of what we can and will do
We can revitalize our world with knowledge, understanding and unity
We are the pulse generation

the ones that **** tend to deem those that talk ***** to be without a ****... mr. censor, please, i do not come between your ******* and your take on eating stake... so, can you please retract from "moralising" me in terms of vocab? let me **** an invisible ***** with my tongue, while i allow you to keep your gynocentric whoop-de-la-outlandish fetishes... don't school me... i've had my schooling, a real society doesn't school men beyond the appropriate age of being schooled... please don't suggest a reinvention of a ******* schoolyard; vocabulary adheres to no notion, of being deemed a / made into a monopoly.*

i hate these people, well, comics,
they always start off a joke:
a friend of mine... who's muslim...
mate... you don't have a muslim
"friend" within a mile strong radius...
sand-****** / camel-jockey ref.?
schoolyard ****,
spoken by a Hindu...
   he wasn't my friend, and never
will be, and i will never expect
the excuse of a muslim "fwend"
to tell a joke...
                 can't believe these people
turned into gnats rather than
comedians...
i'm like a cow imitating
a *torero" with a red cape "that's" its tail...
the excuse of having a friend,
that you don't actually have,
to simply tell a joke and cushion
the offended police? ain't working.
just today i was walking if a nekken-ekken
bottle and a police car stopped on
the street:
          i have to admit, a little nervous,
since drinking alcohol in public
in england is illegal,
so the cop in the car asked me:
did you call the police?
no, i'm just passing through.
all i can think of is an angry woman
wasting the police budget
describing me as an angry drunk
throwing beer bottles in the air...
while breaking the law:
texting while driving...
               the police seem to be nibbling
on my toes...
  i don't mind them, i find them
to be the most agreeable type of people...
i get to drink a bottle of beer
and never get harassed...
     unless in the vicinity of a public
house that sells alcohol...
     i still don't get the jokes
by comics that reference having
"friends"... stop bullshitting and just say
that there's a pre-punch line of:
     i don't actually have a muslim friend,
but it'll sound better if i "have" one,
so you can forgive the joke...
       sand-****** and camel-jockey are
actually Hindu terms derived from
the schoolyard...
                me? i'm just borrowing...
i had muslim friends, once upon a time,
but then that once upon a time
turned into: the reality of, right now
and crispy Jeeves: no, not anymore.
                            why fake it?
oh, i have this muslim friend...
   the stereotype stings, but it's true:
i had a jamaican "friend",
he dealt me the illegal, psychotic
soros skunk...
                             mind you,
he also asked me to teach his daufghter
layla (acoustic) on the guitar...
            yeah, "friend"...
               do we really have to be
so ******* friendly all the time to
merely tell a joke?
these comedians, who are they fooling?
you're as much friend with a muslim
as i am with a, ******* ostrich...
     and pigs will fly... yeah:
i've made a bet on that improbability...
watch me rein in the millions of cooties,
******* skint rats...
                      anorexia didn't evolve
past "entertaining" women, rodents would
know.
                 why is it suddenly o.k. to
tell a joke flaking it over with a:
so i have this friend...
                            bash it silly with
a bare fist or a silly-glove that's designed
to produce the plum lip smacker version
of a botox insertion...
        pucker... plum lip to lip balm kiss;
next time i believe these comedians
i'll have a ******* orangutan on a leash
*****-******* a chimp, calling it: Nancy.

a thigh gap
a peering spine
a cat eye
a cerulean highlighter
all of this and more
all of this, yours
21 mind-blowing *** tricks
5 ways to convince your doc you've ADHD
all of this and more
hack your closet
hack your pantry
your cellar door
all of this, yours
an e-thank you note
Facebook status remorse
an it's complicated
all of this and more
self-checkout
automatic hand dryer
automatic towel dispenser
automatic doors
all of this, yours
ask Siri where to bury the body
ask Jeeves where to buy the Molly
Google "the triumph of death"
and salute it with Bacardi
all of this
all of this
42 celebrities who used to have braces
8 Instagram hotties we love
42 gin recipes sure to inspire envy
all of this and more
how to love yourself
how to be a gentleman
how to make sure you marry the one
all of this yours
******* that read Angel Off Duty
boxers that read Reporting for Duty
ride the escalator all the way to
Jesus's heaven
fist bump Little Richard
and that kid from Malcolm in the Middle
watch St. Peter wave all the **** sorority girls
who've recently died in drunk driving accidents
to the front of the line
breathe, in from the nose out from the nose,
pick up a copy of Men's Health and read
an article titled
69 ways to incorporate gravy into the bedroom TONIGHT
all of this and more
all of this, yours

AHHH....AMI!

"Je cherche le mot..."

Her left foot
had gone

. . .asleep.

The rest of her
still

. . . wide awake.

The net curtains
she noticed idly

needed washing

blew back
in an almost

theatrical( how
dramatic)fashion

& there
stood Death

large as life
( so to speak ).

Death itself
like an old fashioned butler

"Almost a Jeeves!"
she chuckled softly

to her self.

"Madame, if I may
...have a word?"

"Oh, Mr. Death
surely not yet...not yet?"

Death smiled
obsequiously.

"Le Roi, s'amuse. . ."

The unfinished Maupassant
falling from her hand.

If you annoy a Sicilian woman
She will fling herself at you shrieking,
Her hair and eyes wild with rage; she’ll plunge a dagger
Into your heart three times before you fall

And then she’ll spit on your corpse and curse your memory

If you annoy a French woman
She will fling at you a stiletto heel
Or a saucepan (with sauce veloute’, oui!)
Either one will take you down, mon ami

And then she’ll dial a friend for company

If you annoy a Russian woman
She will make a discreet telephone call
And when in spring the ice of the Neva thaws
Your frozen body will at last pop up

And then she’ll write a poem in your memory

If you annoy an English woman
She will smile sweetly, and poison your tea
And as you collapse, gasping desperately for breath
She will smile again, and ask if anything’s wrong

And then she’ll ring for Jeeves to tidy up

Finally:

A Canadian woman  (I’m telling no tales) -
You mess with her, and you’re bait for the whales!

                               -fin- (so to speak)

Lawrence Hall
[email protected]  
https://hellopoetry.com/lawrence-hall/
poeticdrivel.blogspot.com

                           Trousers, Gentlemen, Trousers!

          “There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself,
            'Do trousers matter?'"

            "The mood will pass, sir.”

                     ― P.G. Wodehouse, The Code of the Woosters

Had you visited the post office today
You might have heard an elderly man say
(After opening his newspaper, by the way)

“Trousers, gentlemen, trousers”

For there in black and white, on the front page
Was pictured each and every schoolboard sage
Attired in shorts, in deference to the age

“Trousers, gentlemen, trousers”

While one appreciates our volunteers
Who serve our schools for free (let’s give them cheers)
The vision of old men’s legs must lead to jeers

Their veined and wrinkled knees – is this a tease?
“Trousers, gentlemen, trousers – please!”

AHHH....AMI!

"Je cherche le mot..."

Her left foot
had gone

. . .asleep.

The rest of her
still

. . . wide awake.

The net curtains
she noticed idly

needed washing

blew back
in an almost

theatrical( how
dramatic)fashion

& there
stood Death

large as life
( so to speak ).

Death itself
like an old fashioned butler

"Almost a Jeeves!"
she chuckled softly

to her self.

"Madame, if I may
...have a word?"

"Oh, Mr. Death
surely not yet...not yet?"

Death smiled
obsequiously.

"Le Roi, s'amuse. . ."

The unfinished Maupassant
falling from her hand.

In Cyberland, Microsoft is King
And we all pray to Google.
There is an Apple Resistance,
And Yahoo keeps on yelling,
But Microsoft is King.

Where did Jeeves go?
Remember him, you oldies?
A smiling Hitchcock fatty
You could ask things.

Remember Bebo and MySpace too.
But now we Snapchat through the day
And ask folk WhatsApp.
All in an Instagram.
(My Custom Dictionary
Is filling with new words).

So now it’s time for Tik Tok.
(See what I did there?)
That’s if the Americans allow it!
And much more no doubt.
Instagram Gratification
Flashing images
And clips.
No time for tedious talking
On landline phones
Or, heaven forbid,
Face to face conversation.

Writing – or rather typing – too is clipped
With lols & rofls & tbfs.
Lazy language
Tweets in textese
Fast and fleeting.
Facebook Funnies
With bouncy banter.

As a loyal subject of Cyberland
I do confess
To many an hour
Sifting through Facebook Memories
Even improving old posts
With coloured backgrounds
And sharper edits.
Addictive Internet indeed.

Yet
In years to come
Will we laugh loudly
At the mention of Google
And all the names I’ve said
Like we snigger at Bebo, MySpace
And Nokia Mobiles now?

The tsunami of technological change
Sweeps over our heads
Smashing the past:
Leading us
To who knows where.
For better or worse
Who can say?
Wherever we are going,
We are well on the way.

Paul Butters

© PB 17\9\2020.

'free butlers for everybody'**

yippee!! hooray!! huzzah!!

i would so love,
somebody to follow me
around all day.
doing the mudane and
boring things,
all that daily guff.
to be at my beck and call,
for just about anything at all.

but then,
if there are 'free butlers for all'

would my, butler,
not have a bulter, of his own
to order about from,
his butler throne
and so on and so forth
and if we all had butlers.
would anything, ever,
really get done?

OR, would we all be,
passing ***** laundry
about in a neverending,  
linen chain.
drinking tepid tea from each others ***** tea cups.
polishing silver for some one other than us ...
would i end up,
being a bulter to you.

my god!  

this, idea of

'free butlers for every one.'  

is spiralling,  out of control

this  factotumnal conudrum,
is going to  drive me insane.

JEEVES ! please, please be so good
as, to bring me a calming tisane.

The Saunter of the Penguins

Across our lives the Penguins saunter along:
The Odyssey, The Ministry of Fear
Parade’s End, Penrod, To a God Unknown
Ragged with study, stained with tea and beer

Saint Augustine’s Confessions, Whitman’s Leaves
Tennyson, Wordsworth, The Alexiad
Monsignor Quixote, Wooster and Jeeves
And Yevtushenko – he was quite the lad!

Dog-eared and all crinkly, Scotch-taped with age -
Each Penguin is a wise, eternal sage