Canto I. Long ago and far away...

Under the bridge across the Kankakee River, Grampa found me. I was busted for truancy. First grade. 1946.

Summer and after school: Paper route, neighborhood yard work, dogsbody in a drugstore, measuring houses for the county, fireman EJ&E railroad, janitor and bottling line Pabst Brewery Peoria. 1952-1962.

Fresh caught Mississippi River catfish. Muddy Yummy. Burlington, Iowa. 1959. Best ever.

In college, Fr. ***** usually confused me with my roommate, Al. Except for grades. St. Procopius College, 1958-62. Rats.

Coming home from college for Christmas. Oops, my family moved a few streets over and forgot to tell me. Peoria, 1961.

The Pabst Brewery lunchroom in Peoria, a little after dawn, my first day. A guy came in and said: "Who wants my horsecock sandwich? ****, this first beer tastes good." We never knew how many he drank. 1962.

At grad school, when we moved into the basement with the octopus furnace, Dave, my roommate, contributed a case of Chef Boyardee spaghettios and I brought 3 cases of beer, PBRs.  Supper for a month. Ames. 1962.

Sharon and I were making out in the afternoon, clothes a jumble. Walter Cronkite said, " President Kennedy has been shot…”. Ames, 1963.

I stood in line, in my shorts, waiting for the clap-check. The corporal shouted:  "All right, you *******, Uncle and the Republic of Viet Nam want your sorry *****. Drop 'em".  Des Moines. Deferred, 1964.

Married and living in student housing. Packing crate furniture. Pammel Court, 1966.

One of many undistinguished PhD theses on theoretical physics. Ames. 1967.

He electrified the room. Every woman in the room, regardless of age, wanted him, or seemed to. The atmosphere was primeval and dripping with desire. In the presence of greatness. Palo Alto, 1968.

US science jobs dried up. From a mountain-top, beery conversation, I got a research job in Germany. Boulder, 1968. Aachen, 1969.

The first time I saw automatic weapons at an airport. Geneva, 1970.

I toasted Rembrandt with sparkling wine at the Rijksmuseum. He said nothing. Amsterdam International Conference on Elementary Particles. 1971.

A little drunk, but sobering fast: the guard had Khrushchev teeth.
Midnight, alone, locked in a room at the border.
Hours later, release. East Berlin, 1973. Harrassment.

She said, "You know it's remarkable that we're not having an affair." No, it wasn't. George's wife.  Germany, 1973.

"Maybe there really are quarks, but if so, we'll never see them." Truer than I knew.  Exit to Huntsville, 1974.

On my first day at work, my first federal felony. As a joke, I impersonated an FBI agent. What the hell? Huntsville. 1974. Guess what?-- No witnesses left! 2021.

Hard work, good times, difficult times. The first years in Huntsville are not fully digested and may stay that way.

The golden Lord Buddha radiated peace with his smile. Pop, pop. Shots in the distance. Bangkok. 1992.

Accomplishment at work, discord at home. Divorce. Huntsville. 1994. I got the dogs.

New beginnings, a fresh start, true love and life-partner. Huntsville. 1995.

Canto II. In the present century...

Should be working on a proposal, but riveted to the TV. The day the towers fell and nearly 4000 people perished. September 11, 2001.

I started painting. Old barns and such. 2004.

We bet on how many dead bodies we would see. None, but lots of flip-flops and a sheep. Secrets of the Yangtze. 2004

I quietly admired a Rembrandt portrait at the Schiphol airport. Ever inscrutable, his painting had presence, even as the bomb dogs sniffed by. Beagles. 2006.

I’ve lost two close friends that I’ve known for 50-odd years. There aren’t many more. Huntsville. 2008 and 2011.

Here's some career advice: On your desk, keep a coffee cup marked, "No Whining", that side out. Third and final retirement. 2015.

I occasionally kick myself for not staying with physics—I’m jealous of friends that did. I moved on, but stayed interested. Continuing.

I’m eighty years old and walk like a duck. 2021.

Letter: "Your insurance has lapsed but for $60,000, it can be reinstated provided you are alive when we receive the premium." Life at 81. Huntsville, 2022.

Canto III: Coda

Honest distortions emerging from the distance of time. The thin comfort of fading memories. Thoughts on poor decisions and worse outcomes. Not often, but every now and then.

(Begun May 2016)

Trust is earned slowly,
Over the course of one's life,
But lost in an instant.


____
I am grateful for the feedback our colleagues here were kind enough to leave (likes, loves, etc.). If anyone would like a free copy of the ebook version of my latest book of poems, Echoes of Dawn at Dusk: Collected Poems, Volume 2 you can download a copy in all ebook formats but only through one of my vendors, Smashwords -- no coupon necessary. Ends April 4, 2022. Just copy and paste the following link into your browser:
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1035449

Thanks again for sharing this poem and for your feedback. Much appreciated!

A narcissist is a dummy bear on crack. They have gummies for brains.

Viewing the world with mooching eyes, flirting with greed and gluttony, playing games with the devil.

The narcissist is no friend
of the family.

They are crude and thick with pollution and toxic waste.

The Narcissist brings nothing but
suffering and pain.

If you bump into a narcissist
in the wild, run and don't
look back.

A narcissist wants attention and
they don't like bold and brave people.

They chose victims by kindness,
reputation and intelligence.

The smarter and more popular you
are the more likely a narcissist
will strike at you.

You have to be smarter than they,
set boundaries and strict rules.

Don't allow anyone to break your
security or your self esteem.

A narcissists biggest flaw is ego,
strike them in the ego ***** and
watch them turn blue and fall.

Find their weakness in their
gaslighting, use it to fight back.

They blame everyone but themselves for their actions.

©️ 2022 By Amanda Shelton

-


all my mistakes in life
add weight to a scale
of self-judgement–

so far i sense
a balance—

yet it feels to me like
i've let so much ballast
get washed overboard...




s jones
2022



.

2021 with another uncertain year
One wondered, where do we preserver?
So many things were happening during 2021
Virus Strands
It spread quickly throughout the land
Masks and Vaccine’s held true
This is something for 2022 to pursue
Racial Unrest and rage
It didn’t matter what age
Senior’s Attacked
Breaking News showed the fact
Murders and Road Kills
The reason behind with a pause still
The day the Capitol was seized and broken in
It was surrounded by an Election questioned
For the world, it became a learning lesson
Black Lives Matter
Surfacing was so much negative chatter
Soon 2021 will depart
2022 will be a fresh start
What can we expect?
The most important part would be hope
Praying for Peace
Being able to cope at least
Embrace
This is serious with no time to waste
Unity and Harmony
Positive voices like a soothing symphony
2022 having new Innovations
A world absorbed in appreciations
Supporting and participating in communities
That would be an important reality
Understanding beyond
Tomorrow’s clear skies to look upon
Living among
Life without all these guns
Fresh thoughts
Tomorrow’s dreams no longer nightmares
Wake up to wisdom
2022, I am waiting for you to arrive
The clock is ticking
Time revolves
2022 your moment
Movement will be the world’s action
Build us like a transaction
The Year 2022

There is a god for every thing
There is a god for every thought
There is a god for every spring
There is a god for every drought

I walk amidst their creeping shadows
Swim in the deeps, crawl in the shallows

There is a boat for every sea
And there's a buoy for drowning men

But there ain’t
One god.

There is a crown on every being
There is a staff in every hand
It doesn’t matter what you have seen
It only matters now where you stand

I walk amidst their flickering shadows
Bask in the breeze, dance in tornadoes

There are birds for every wind
And there are wings for broken men

But there ain't
One god.

The year was 2022
Sidewalks are empty, skies are blue
'Perfect time to walk,' I said
But I never did nor I dared

The year was 2022
Man's in the corner, no one has a clue
'I have a family,' she said
But with a knife he held, he let her bled

The year was 2022
Divisions are visible, unity is through
'I will make it better,' he said
But he was laughing and joking and outside he fled

The year was 2022
There goes Ivan, there goes Sue
'Is it such a sin?' I asked
But no one answered, instead they buried it in the past

The year was 2022
Roof's old, it's time to renew
'I'm going to miss this,' I said
But boy, was I glad to leave behind the dead

The year was 2022
Time to leave the crowd, live with the few
'Perfect time to live,' I said
But the sidewalks are full and the skies are red

And as the 21st season will end,
The reality will finally begin

Depression,
I caught you swimming in my sorrow, you were drowning in
my tears.

There in my mind I laid down
my life but you stole my heart instead and I lost my mind amongst the shadows.

In the battle of my chemical imbalance I fight for my right to be happy again.

I am dancing in the dark
with myself, my heart beats
in the shadows as my breath
stands to the side, whispering
to me keep dancing.

Exhausted and frade sorrow
follows me, my flaws abuse me,
my mistakes scared me.

Society forgot about me,
I faded into the pitch of nothing.

A void of me, frightening memories
of taunting accusations from a
devilish monster.

Those eyes of blue devoured
my hopes and dreams,
he had no love for me.

His teeth bit into me,
his harsh lashing of accusations
embodied hate and broken ideas,
from the narcissist who said
he loved me.

The narcissist invaded my dreams,
with grinding bones from the
skeleton's he stored in his closet
of screams.

Scratching my brain with his
narcissistic rants and shoveling
wants trying to steal what
I achieved for himself.

The narcissist knows nothing of
love and passionate embraces.

For the narcissist only
knows how to break things.

A narcissist gaslights until crazy
devours everything.

©️ 2022 By Amanda Shelton

Eid Mubarik to you my Fatima Gul
my angel, my forever most beautiful
you’re the sweetest, the love of my life
my world enchanted with the joy that’s rife
all the words won’t ever suffice
for i may not ever be able to describe
of how wishful life became for me
to live with you, a perpetual love spree
I sit here blushing and maybe shy
I, with even that mere thought, fly
thinking i’ll narate what i always want to
on every special eid when i’ll wish you
can’t wait for our eids together
as if surrounded by your feathers
and all my worries scatter and smother
with your love and care I’m covered
when i say that know that it’s true
it’s because of you and only you
it’s only for you that i make it through
and it is for a forever I promise to do
By the magic of the stars above you
I love you, I love you, I love you
I do and I always will
for there’s nothing for me
that is above you

3rd May, 2022