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NF  Sep 2015
Love Yourself
NF Sep 2015
My mirror is covered in cracks and flaws, and some parts that make you look fatter, like a funhouse mirror, and it clings to dust and dirt and fingerprint smudges of oil.
But I don't replace it.
Because sometimes it's easier to spot the flaws in the mirror than to fixate on my flaw riddled body,
Flaws that aren't just skin deep,
The night is beautiful but deadly.
When you can't see, you have to find new flaws to detest,
It's addictive to beat yourself,
I'm in an abusive relationship where I don't mean to hurt me and I can't leave myself-
And there's some macabre satisfaction in the dependable breaking,
Like I know every night I will go to sleep hating the fact that I am still breathing,
There are memories haunting me from as young as ten,
Things that shouldn't still be repeating,
I can't work out how it just keeps accumulating,
Words spoken
And thoughts
And I don't know if anyone else feels sentences as deeply as I do,
And I'm running out of personality to stick pins into,
Trying to fix myself with voodoo
They say negative reinforcement is the quickest way to correct behaviour but I make the same mistakes
it's not okay that I constantly feel like I'm failing,
But life is more than a high-stakes game
And everyone's saying that all teenagers feel this way
But it's not reassuring to know that my generation is one of lost souls and hate.
And we're all really angry,
Whether it's because we'll be working till we're 90 or conflict left undated
Racism still exists and the Chancellor of Germany is getting called a ****
While anyone Asian is labelled Indian or ****
And eating disorders run rampant through the territory where anorexic girls get priority while the boy who binge eats is just called fatty.
And this is where I insert a statistic to convince you that we're unhappy but I refuse to be quantified just so I can mean something.
And it doesn't let up,
Compliments are uncomfortable and seeing good in yourself is arrogance, criticisms self pity
And you never know if they want to help you or just ensure that you understand the importance of conformity
It doesn't take much to convince someone you're okay.
There's not much you need to say
And if you can laugh then you're fine and we know no one checks the closets for skeletons because they're filled with people too afraid to come out of them
People accept 'fine' because they just need to know that they asked the question,
And besides, deeper questions get stuck beneath my skin.
And even when someone else compliments me I don't believe them,
Pushing away others cause I need distance,
Sometimes I feel sick from the level of enforced interaction but people only see the side they want to see.
When I told my friends about the time I struggled with suicidal thoughts they expressed their sympathies and it hasn't come up since.
Romanticising illnesses leaves me unsure if I am suffering or if I just want to be,
And part of me has to agree that diagnosis and its certainty would be better than the admission that life is just like this
You can't get better if it's something you can't fix
I don't think I'm broken but maybe I was made to the wrong specifications cause it feels like I am missing something but at the same time there is too much of me and not just physically
I am choking on the sheer volume of my past, present and impeding future
Trying to get it together
Told that it's okay if I don't know where I want to go
But in year 9 we picked our gcses which determined our a levels which determined our university courses which determine our career, if we even get there.
I keep finding new problems
I am still haunted by the old ones.
But I'll be okay,
Cause today
Someone told me to love myself.
~
February 2025
HP Poet: Lizzie Bevis
Age: 40
Country: UK


Question 1: A warm welcome to the HP Spotlight, Lizzie. Please tell us about your background?

Lizzie Bevis: "Hello Carlo, So, my actual name is Elizabeth, but I have always been known as Lizzie since I was a little girl. Elizabeth quickly became my naughty name if I got up to mischief! I was born in Lincolnshire, England a month early in November 1984, I was meant to be a Christmas baby, but I did not want to wait! That was a smart move on my part. I have 2 brothers and a younger sister. I am the second oldest of the brood. I also celebrated my 40th Birthday last year quietly with family and friends.

I also love unicorns. My best friend Samantha often tells me that I should have been one because I am just too nice. Oh boy, I am going to try my best to condense this down as much as I can because I can write for England, Carlo! I have not always lived in Lincolnshire, I lived in Yorkshire from the age of 1 until I was 8. I was sad to leave my friends behind when we moved back to Lincolnshire to be close to my grandma who I adored. My lovely mum is sadly not a particularly good cook, so when I was 10, I told my grandma that my mum overcooked pasta to mush again, so my grandma discreetly taught me how to cook and bake on weekends. I quickly became the family cook, and I think that everyone was relieved!

I was independent in my teenage years, I got myself a paper round at the age of 14 and got my first proper job at the age of 17 in a shop and started saving up my wages. I was also quite sporty growing up, I enjoyed playing football with the boys, and I eventually became an FA-qualified football referee. I also discovered archery, and I became a Grand National Archery Association Archery Instructor. I also wanted to climb mountains, so I did. My first mountain climb was Mount Snowdon in Wales, I then went to Aviemore, Scotland to take on the Cairngorms and fell in love with the outdoors all over again, I remember seeing the Northern lights for the first time and they were breathtaking.

At the age of 19, my adventures took me all over Europe, and I visited Italy, The Netherlands, France, and Spain. My travels eventually took me to America where visited the Rocky Mountains in Colorado and I climbed up Pikes Peak; I then changed direction and toured New England. I enjoyed New England so much that applied for a 3-month work visa, and I became a head archery counsellor at a Summer Camp in Rhode Island, what a fun experience that was!

Going back to my childhood, my mum’s family hail from Yorkshire so living there meant that I could visit my aunts, uncles, cousins, and my grandpa. My grandpa used to work in the coal mines so naturally his lungs were in a bad way, and he was in and out of hospital most of the time. This was a life-altering moment and at the age of 4, I decided that I was going to become a nurse when I grew up. I would visit my Grandad at the hospital dressed up in my nurse's costume and help the nurses on the ward do the little tasks like filling up and distributing patients' water jugs and chatting with the patients. Grandpa would always give me his strawberry ice cream, he said that he didn't like it, but I could never understand why?! I have many fond memories of those days.

Ironically, I learnt that some things are not meant to be. I enrolled in university to study Adult General Nursing in 2015 but made national media instead for all of the wrong reasons; In July of that very same year, I had a cardiac arrest when my mum's little dog Daisy was put to sleep at the veterinary surgery. After surviving my brush with death, I spent 3 long weeks in hospital, and I was diagnosed with Long QT Syndrome. I also learnt that stress kills and that Adult Nursing was probably not the best career choice for me! I am now Employed as an Adult Care and Wellbeing Advisor and love every minute of it."



Question 2: How long have you been writing poetry, and for how long have you been a member of Hello Poetry?

Lizzie Bevis: "I have been writing poetry since I was 11 years old, I was inspired when studying my English Language & Literature GCSEs at Secondary School. I remember the first poem that I ever wrote, it was called My Dog Sam.

My Dog Sam

He is as fast as the wind
Running through fields of green,
He is the smartest dog that I have ever seen.
He is black and white, an epic sight,
With eyes so keen and a mind so bright.
My Border Collie, my good boy Sam,
My loyal friend who understands
Every whistle and all commands.

By Lizzie aged 11.

At the age of 12, I had my first poem published in the National Poetry Anthology and I have had many other poems published since. Writing poetry has become a refreshing pastime, and I am often writing about something daily. I have been writing new material and adding my poems to Hello Poetry since September last year."



Question 3: What inspires you? (In other words, how does poetry happen for you).

Lizzie Bevis: "Inspiration for me can be as simple as an experience or emotion, it can come from a joyous occasion with family, feeling sad, being in love or from something far less complex; such as when reading a book, looking out of my bedroom window in the morning or walking through the churchyard. One of my poems ‘Epitaph’ was inspired by walking past a worn gravestone when I was visiting my grandma to lay flowers on her grave. I am fortunate to live in the Lincolnshire Wolds and be surrounded by history, rolling hills, farmland, and picturesque countryside."


Question 4: What does poetry mean to you?

Lizzie Bevis: "Poetry, personally for me is an outlet for creative expression. It is healing and it is cathartic. I find that I can write about anything on my mind and feel like a weight has lifted afterwards. I can convey my feelings and emotions freely. Poetry can be emotive, startling, inspiring and thought-provoking. I feel like I am giving my readers a little sneak peek inside my very vulnerable soul. I also like to experiment with humour, it makes a nice change to try something different sometimes and I enjoy making people smile."


Question 5: Who are your favorite poets?

Lizzie Bevis: "The first poem that inspired me to begin writing was a poem called 'I Am Very Bothered' by Simon Armitage. Being from Lincolnshire and living a hop and skip away from the birthplace of Alfred Lord Tennyson, it would be rude not to include his wonderful poem - 'The Splendor Falls.' I have enjoyed reading and have been inspired by many of Maya Angelou’s works in the past, I recall reading this poem to my daughter when she was 5 years old – 'Life Doesn’t Frighten Me.'  Alice in Wonderland was one of my favourite books to read growing up, here is another one of Lewis Carroll's splendid pieces of work - Dreamland. I was also a science geek at school and was fascinated by Physics, Chemistry and Biology. I love the work of Sarah Howe, and this is especially one of my favourite poems - 'Relativity.'"


Question 6: What other interests do you have?

Lizzie Bevis: "I am a woman of simple pleasures, I enjoy spending time with my family, and games night is always a blast! When I am at home and not working, I often listen to music or watch a good documentary on TV. I adore my cats Timmy and Sooty, Sooty is a sleepy old boy now, but Timmy is such a rascal and there is never a dull moment at home, he has recently learnt how to open drawers! I also like to pass the time sitting in my armchair (usually with a cat on my lap) next to my log burner to work on the occasional embroidery task, and I do of course, enjoy cooking and baking lots of delicious treats, which I usually share with my family, friends and neighbours. I love being outdoors, I often go on long walks, breathing in the fresh air, and clearing my thoughts."


Carlo C. Gomez: “Thank you so much Lizzie, we really appreciate you giving us the opportunity to get to know the person behind the poet! It is our pleasure to include you in this Spotlight series!”

Lizzie Bevis: "Thank you Carlo for taking the time to plunge me into the February Spotlight! I would also like to thank everyone who has ever shown me kindness, support, and encouragement on Hello Poetry. You are all a wonderful bunch of poets, and I feel truly blessed to be amongst you. Keep writing and keep your visions alive because, without our creativity, the world would be a very dull place indeed."




Thank you everyone here at HP for taking the time to read this. We hope you enjoyed coming to know Lizzie a little bit better. We certainly did. It is our wish that these spotlights are helping everyone to further discover and appreciate their fellow poets. – Carlo C. Gomez

We will post Spotlight #25 in March!

~
A  Nov 2020
Failing together
A Nov 2020
I lost a friend
In the land of broken dreams
We can’t lie
And say we didn’t try

But today I stride in alone
To the land of the forgotten
Hoping to make it out alive
In one piece, to the other side

It may take an hour or year
but we have one last chance
To mend our souls  
And lives
And our GCSEs

But if we fail
Then we failed together
We may not be friends
But we gave it ago
And I regret nothing

I had fun.
I enjoyed the hidden pain
All the laughs and jokes
And the nasty remarks.
We were different
And that’s what made it special
We were special
And no one can change that

Till next time,
Good bye my ‘good friend’
I’ll see you in English and science
And lunch and break.
Because we can’t be avoided.

Yesterday we stood together and
Today I  stand alone
Onto my next journey
I turn back to the past before stepping to the future
While you watch me from the distance
Wondering where did it all go wrong,
A  Aug 2020
Good luck
A Aug 2020
The next few hours  can determine
ones chance of survival.
Of stability in their lives as an adult.


Good luck in your GCSEs my dear friends! It’s not your fault exams got cancelled.
It’s the GCSE exam results day. They were cancelled due to covid 19 so now people are getting predicted grades.
Megan  Feb 2019
Lucky Me
Megan Feb 2019
When I got my GCSEs
They said I was lucky
When I got into uni
They said I was lucky
When the doctors got to me just in time
They said I was lucky
When I met you
I knew it was luck
And now
I’m running out of luck
And you’re leaving me
I wonder what they’ll say now
Alice  Apr 2017
a level english
Alice Apr 2017
i’m meant to be able to do it,
for a long time
it’s been the only thing i’m good at,
i never felt inferior when learning it,
and getting my grades back,
was like a dream come true
finally some As in the bag,
for someone who truly,
only, ever really got Cs
and when i did my GCSEs
the questions flowed through me,
and the words placed themselves
on the page without me
barely even thinking,

i knew what i was doing then,

and now, well, i sit and stare
at the poems without a thought in my mind,
and i read Dr Faustus
and pretend like i don’t care, that
i can’t conjure a single, original point
and i can’t analyse the words
because i don’t know what they mean
and i can’t write my essays with that
familiar confidence i used to contain,
now i sit and i struggle,
without structure or form
and no context at all,
then i’m surprised when it comes back as a D,
the As are gone, and so are the Cs.

— The End —