I blunder
    misstep
        stumble
           and fall....
Not from a place
    of malice-
       or hatred-
           nor deceit
This is just a learning process!
    an acceptance of the present-
       forgetting the past-
           finding peace within my own mind
In a life complete
and does not
will not
cannot
include
*you!

You search my soul
         to comfort the labels in your mind-
Is she
       Good? bad? honest? liar?
Let me help-
      I'm only human.....
I am more than your preconceived notions
     of which I am all and  none
If only you  could set aside your fears
take time...
get to
know
me.....

My home is quiet now.
Soccer
basketball
track...
Football games that evolved
From Saturday to Friday night
back to Saturdays even to Sunday
are memories-
cherished.
Home made pizza and pool parties
rambunctious boys
who fought, loved
and fought some more...
now beautiful
men, husbands, fathers.
Yet my heart
and aging mother's eyes
still see the curly haired
big brown eyed
laughing smiles
of carefree little boys-
who still may need me
someday...
and I need them
to chase the quiet away.

I catch myself waiting
    for the phone that doesn't ring.
I wonder are you real
      or simply an illusion?
           a figment....
                a fleeting daydream....
I reach for your hand
    while driving alone.
I see you smiling
   I hear your singing off key
         yet when I turn
You evaporate
       disappear
And once again I'm left to relive
    the pain- along with
        the realization
you are gone....

She minds her own business,
      not one to be where she is not wanted...
Walked away from many relationships
     Confrontation is futile!
          from husbands -
                  to casual acquaintances
not one to "bark up a dead dog's ***".
Simply won't fight - seen too much....
Instead -
      She'll smile at strangers
           say excuse me
               walk around...
Yet while she tries to focus on the positive
        out of the mouth of one no older than three
            clear as a bell
*****!
she pauses - not wanting to believe what she heard
Four more times
*****!
     *****!
         *****!
             *****!
The "mother" doesn't try to quiet or even correct the child
Too cowardly to acknowledge the hurt in the eyes of a total stranger.
      White passers by giggled...
She looked at the baby-
      pure hatred looked back.
With a shake of her head she walked away...
So evil - to each a baby to hate.
    who teaches a baby to hate?
       That, to her, is true obscenity....
The overwhelming sadness of it all
   Makes it difficult to function
        yet another day
            in a society that denies
     racism
        still
            exists!

I have seen hatred of me
     on the face of total strangers...
I have known
     ...physical
         .....emotional
              .....unendurable abuse and pain.
Each strike ripping my soul
       to shreds.
Yet I have found strength
     amidst broken pieces
Determined to repair
    both heart and soul
Some say~
     "Clearly with Crazy Glue"....
What's wrong with her?
      She laughs
         She dances
             She sings
Oblivious to the grotesqueness
       others firmly believe
            to be all that is she.
Yet my monstrous
   ....malformed
       ....aberrant
           tortured essence~
Still finds the compassion
     to offer a hand in friendship.
Able to muster the strength
      offering care
          and understanding
So desperately needed for self
         to others....
For the faint of heart
     may naught but see
         the scars
              the fears and
                tattered shambles of my life.
However, the few who stand
         in shoes similar to mine.
Share an understanding...
       A commonality....
          A symbolic connection
The stark realization of the
          courage it takes to survive...
              derived only through experience.
My shattered heart and soul
    Are but a badge of honor.
Proudly I carry
    til the end of my days....