My soul is on the discount table -
          buyer beware
             ~DAMAGED GOODS~
It's there - can't you see it?
.....with the dinning table- chipped and scarred.
You'll find it with the day old breads
     or fruit that's badly bruised.
Even last seasons dresses and shoes
    ~ have far more utility
Than that withered
undervalued
     fragmented
       abandoned
         discarded
             scorned
                infinitesimal
~mere shadow of my former self!

What is left
  after the pain is gone?
When there is nothing to feed
   the anger
      the depression
         the fear....
Will the soul wither
   and die?
That was my fear...
     But that is not the way of life.
The great love of my life
   has died....
but many great loves are left
   Handsome sons
      grandchildren
         weddings in exotic places
goofy dogs.
My home, all mine
     eclectic and clean.
And I have me.
       ~for the first time in my life -
I love me!

Emotional scars heal slowly
     and never completely.
These scars lead to
    skepticism,
       mistrust,
             fear .
And sadness.
Sad because what might have been
         can never be realized.
Sad because loneliness becomes
         your everyday normal
             day to uneventful day.
But at least you are safe.
One question - are you truly living?

From mayhem, chaos and madness-
    I glimpsed a silver lining...
Got off work late,
~changed shifts
          to avoid an insane ex.
The street was empty
Inescapable!
Grabbed from behind-
      forcing me into his car.
         I fight,
            I scream-
I know if He gets me in the car
         I’m dead….
Two in the morning
        Not many around to hear…
A Good Samaritan summoned police.
He was arrested-
       So was I - for disturbing the peace…
The rest was a blur
Confused
     upset
         frightened…
The cell was curiously clean
      very white
         sterile  
            surreal
I was alone
     I felt my soul had been violated …
Through my tears I noticed
       An officer kept walking past
Looking into the small window
     of that cell of confinement…
Two, three maybe six or more passes-
       ‘til he let himself in.
My face was tear stained
     eyes swollen
         Looking very disheveled
Inevitable result - life or death struggle.
Chuck’s voice was low,
And in a strange way – comforting…
I don’t all remember the words
Just the emotion…
“I work with the dregs of society…"
    I knew he was trying to consul me
         but most of what he said
            was lost in the confusion in my mind ....
"... So seldom do I see
Such a beautiful butterfly…”

Chuck leaves… but returns
       With my things
“Let’s go – I’ll get you home safe..”

I was taught to mistrust Whites,
The earlier arrest reinforced that fear-
Yet this tall,
      handsome
           red-head
             Some 25 years my senior
Looked after me-
From that day ‘til I left
The Puget Sound
He protected,
     Safeguarded
         Nurtured
             and loved me!

I can't promise forever -
who knows
what tomorrow may bring.
I can't promise eternal bliss -
I'm only human.
I can promise two arms
dedicated to holding
~only you.
I can promise a heart
that accepts you
unconditionally.
Eyes that see your best
without being blind to the rest.
I can promise laughter.
Home made
New England clam chowder -
(and breakfast in bed).
I can promise I will cherish
every day we have together.
And I promise I will miss you
when you leave....

We all have secrets,
building walls that close us in.
We allow fear and pain
to stand as sentinels;
and like prisoners with
Stockholm Syndrome
we believe they protect.
When in fact~
they are gatekeepers,
wardens-
keeping us locked in our
secret closets.
Leaving our closet
is one of life's hardest challenges.
From telling the one you love -
you cheated
to openly admitting sexuality.
The secret closets
bind,
choke,
enslave
until we face the fear,
and deal with the pain....for
A closet is no place for a person