This morning I was greeted
by someone whom I solely miss...
How I have yearned to see her smile!
The sheer simplicity of appreciating the beauty of her lips...
Her face has changed- yes its seen a few 'city miles',
Lines carefully etched by time and experience.
Her eyes, even through the tears
coming to the realization that
what was old is now new.
Without a word I knew I must embrace the past-
accept the unfamiliar.
Although she has loved pretty boys and players
all of whom devoured her charms
leaving only gristle and bone for me...
She now opens her heart and arms - to me.
I looked deeply into a soul that has survived
by the construction of blockades
designed to hide the scars of
Divorces (yes three)
the loss of the unborn
the joy of the born
the loss of a parent
acceptance of all she lacks  (foremost being beauty).
I can remember when she started construction
to keep others at bay.
Walls now crumbling  tattered and frayed
with no motivation to patch or mend...
This woman so strong
(although lacking that certain grace)
offered the world four
strong, intelligent respectful, good men,
fathers and
husbands.
None of which,  intimidated by love.
This woman I am learning to love
discovered the hard way-
how to teach young men independence
-the agony of letting them go.
followed by the malady in the
realization that she will be companionless.
This strange, mysterious, exquisite being-
amazing in all she is and can do...
is opening her world
shattering barriers
Offering something foreign to a wretch like me
-unconditional love
This time I will
embark on this journey across uncharted seas
What she is offering is extremely rare-
for she is me.

Why is life so pitiless
as to place you so near to me -
and yet so far?
The vindictiveness of the Gods –
Perhaps in a past life I was King Tantalos,
still deserving of the wrath only I can incur.
You stand before me like
Low hanging fruit – yet out of my reach.
Instead of taunting me with water
In this life the Gods are taunting me - with you.
It doesn’t matter how badly I yearn
To nibble your neck,
Feel your arms around me
Satiate myself with the warmth of your
laughter,
intelligence
your soul.
OH NO!
I can’t
touch you.
kiss you.
lick you.
I’m not the one scratching your back…
I can only watch
As you walk away with another.

As I drop into a deeper sleep -
or the eternity just prior to waking
we lay wrapped in each other's arms,
I feel your warm breath on the nape of my neck.
Your hand follows the curves of my waist -
Lingering
       longing
within that touch I find
security
     love
           a home.
These are my dreams and yet-
only in dreams can I live.

My father, his troop
left in the jungle - WWII
to build the Burma Trail.
I have vivid memories
of him waking from a dead sleep
startled, in a cold sweat
memories of the 5 years
in that jungle
tormenting his dreams
years later.
My eldest,
18 months, Camp Cooke, Iraq.
Riding shot-gun on convoys....
My hair turned white.
His response -
      "I was safer in Baghdad,
           than in Compton...."
Second son
       -5 years in the Navy.
All sacrificed for the safety
     of others.
None lived a life
free of discrimination
    ... hatred
     ....unfair and unjust
          ... identified as hyphenated....
laws designed to imprison...
Never accepted as
human or even
just plain
American.

When we met
You were impressed
with the mention of my PhD -
- just a fact-
not thrasonically.
I was impressed
when you were not intimidated.
We share -
a poor background
inner city insanity.
An insatiable desire for
knowledge
and ***....
I never knew that
Parsons, Mills or Weber
would open the door
of carnal exploration.
I introduced you to Vico-
While you taught me
my erogenous zones.
I never knew a touch-
could arouse such desire.
I never knew another person
could ****** so much intensity
over every curve of my body.
From Plato to Habermas
We filled one another with
temporal joys-
mentally connecting
physically exquisite.

I may be paid to teach
-your love took
me to school.

Born twice cursed-
gender... race.
Therein also lies the beauty and my fortitude.
Being judged and misunderstood-
    builds a depth of empathy
        many will never know.
When they wish to inflict pain-
   I feel none but pity...
When love leaves them barren...
   I am not diminished.
So many have tried to
      destroy all that I am.
          and failed.
It is the folly of mistaking kindness
     for weakness.
My strength lies in what others believe
       to be a curse.