her heart is out at sea
but her hands are busy at work
things that she really couldn't care less about
things she "needs" to accomplish
complaints are voiced so often
about how unfair and cruel life can be and
the inferiority clawing through the minds around her
but she battles her own demons
day by day she struggles but she still rises
and she puts on her armor and she charges at it
she isn't one to hide because she isn't the one to give up
she has always been enviable
but what about admirable?
there's a castle in her mind
with candles lit in every window
and the wind can never take her light away
she is beauty in the making even as she sits idle
she attacks the world around her and comes out victorious
with flying colors
her words are magnificence and her heart is determined
she has always been enviable
she has always been admirable

you always hear the metaphorical question
what if the walls could talk?
i strongly believe that if walls were sentient and receptive and could converse,
yours would whisper
"****, that girl loves him, doesn't she?"
but mine would lean in, smile, and respond
"yeah, but it's alright, because he loves her too"

valentines day 2013
i was still engulfed in the darkness
that so much defined me for those months of junior year
before the spring showed itself and we danced and i fell in love
you spent an hour telling me about your plans with her
and then kissed my forehead when i told you
how much of a joke the thought of me actually having a valentine is
valentines day 2014
i curl up on your shoulder
and you rub your cheek against my hair
i wrap up conversation hearts that say "cutie" and "love you"
and hand them off to you in the hallway
like a little secret
this love is much more than a little secret
we share headphones in class listening to cute love songs
and talk about learning to play songs by the civil wars together
and i wish i could run over to your house
and we could lay down on your bed under your wolf blanket
sharing song after song with one another
but i just want you to know
you're my favorite song even when you're silent

i was shocked awake
4:45 in the morning
to the sound of my own screaming and sobbing
i dreamed of your brother
running up to me in the hallway
in hysterics
telling me what he found that morning when your alarm sounded
what you had done
and i cried out, i screamed and i woken already in a fit
it isn't real, it isn't real
you're going to see him today
he is alive
HE IS ALIVE. HE IS FINE
i reached over beside me and found your shirt
that i forgot i was wearing so did not return to you
i grasped it and pressed it to my face because it smelled like you and
the dream felt so real and so terrifying because just six hours ago
you had confided in me that you could do it
but i will not allow it
i solemnly swear i will not allow you to die
the tears and terror eventually faded
and i wrote you a letter about how incredible you are and how i cannot fathom a death so tragic as yours
you would not slip out unnoticed
there would be chaos and unrest for years
because after all
a king cannot die silently
in the evening you picked me up from my house
told me stories of your day and that your mom likes to hear your stories about me
i wonder if your family even likes me but i would like to believe they do
we greeted your father WHO WAS SMILING; WHO KNEW? before descending down into your room
i collapsed on the couch and told you how rampant my anxiety was running
you joined me and i buried my face in your shoulder
asked you to read what i wrote
"i would love to read it," you said, lightly kissing my forehead
and after, you wrapped both your arms around me
one on my back and the other cupping the back of my neck
i nestled into your chest and you put your face against my hair
"i believe you," you whispered
believe what? that i love you? do you finally understand?
i just muttered good and relished the fact that your thumb was slowly rubbing my neck
and i just hope that you understand
that i would have never let go
our evening was spent with laughter and cookies and
i love that your sister actually thought of me because
no one ever thinks of me
i was sad to go when you took me home but i know that
i will continue to wake up day after day
and you will be there
because
"wherever there is you,
i will be there too"

my insecurity exploded like the sounds from the speakers we set up together
i wandered out the back door into the bitter cold
still wearing your red plaid button-up over my dress
the snow was coming down in flurries when you ambled outside after me
"there you are, i was looking for you"
please don't notice the tears freezing on my cheeks
you stepped up onto the concrete slab i was calling my home
"hey," you looked at my face "are you alright?"
****.
just tell him you're feeling faint. he'll believe it
"aw. i'm sorry."
you are so clueless. you never know i looked up at the sky and the snow fell onto my lips and melted instantaneously
"well," your arm weaved its way around my waist "would you like to go back inside?"
of course i do. i know how much this means to you and i cannot take it from you
i nodded and you hopped down, offering up your hand to help me down
then lacing your fingers with mine
your eyes shine brighter than you'll ever know
when you are so much as in a room with music that you love
i held your hand and leaned on your shoulder as we swayed together to the rhythm
you placed your lips against my hair and i swear that everyone else disappeared
i could have died in that very moment because ******
i have let myself fall in love with you
around 10:30 you set up your bass
a lonely speaker and your newly written lyrics
three people around you, and i, over in the corner on the couch
staring at you and knowing that if any of the others were to look up at me
they could see all the simple adoration pouring out of me
afterwords you told them about the story behind the song
the boy you wrote about and i wonder if any of them could tell
that the boy is actually you
because i knew before you even told me
as we left, finally
close to 10:45 when i expected to be home by then
you drove me across the street to where i was parked and i told you
i feel like a nothing
i love you with every piece of me yet sometimes you leave me in the shadows
and i know it's ******* pathetic but it's how i feel
"oh," you said my name, a beautiful noise in your breathtaking voice "you are everything"
everything? EVERYTHING?? how the hell could i be everything, even when you are that to me?
your head on my shoulder "you are my best friend. you are more than you could ever know"
it's the same for you. because you will never see how much i truly love you
"in the past few months, i have felt like ending it. more than once"
no.
"i just... i very much wanted to die."
no no no. holy hell, no
"and i would go to sleep on those nights... after, you know, chickening out"
and thank every god in every religious philosophy you woke up and came back to me
"then i'd wake up in the morning, come to school... and see you"
i am so glad you did. god. i couldn't do this without you. and i hope you know that
"and i would tell myself: 'hey. there is one reason to stay" you paused, and i was crying already. "for her.'"
oh god. oh god. oh god.
"so in many ways you have saved me. and you keep doing that. you never give up me even though you probably should. even though mostly everyone else has."
don't you get it? i would never give up on you. because there is no way i would be alive without you
and without you there is no me
"promise me something." your arm was around my shoulders and i was leaning into your chest, staining your t-shirt with eyeliner-soaked tears.
anything
"if i do end up..." you stopped. "you know, if i'm gone, i need you to keep going. continue, for both you and i."
you are the stupidest most wonderful person i have ever encountered in my entire life
i screamed at you, tears like a waterfall, streaking my face black
and you stared into my eyes, you brave soul
never would i be able to go on without you! never!
you are my lifeline
"and you are mine"
don't you dare leave me
you closed your eyes and nodded. "okay" you said, on the verge of crying yourself
i grabbed either side of your face and brought you closer to me
kissed your forehead and wrapped my convulsing arms around you
you can never leave me. i won't allow it
"see?"
see what? see that you're stupid because you don't comprehend your magnificence? see that you are clueless because you do not understand that at least someone in this world is hopelessly devoted to you?
"you are everything."
*no. you are.

you don't know your own power
when your hands are anywhere in my vicinity
or when your eyes are locked on mine
or when your words are slowly weaving through the air
from your lips to my ears
you have never understood
that you are magnificent
and i suppose i have to wonder why no one has informed you before
you have told me so many beautiful things
urging me to become a writer
saying i have a "gift" when it comes to words and that i need to pursue it
you told me that you love bodies like porcelain
"like yours," you added, which makes me ask myself
did you even look at me at all?
"seriously, i don't see what you're talking about at all" referring to my constant digs at my ****** state
how utterly unattractive i am?
"you are absolutely beautiful" your eyes are drilling into mine and i cannot stop my heart from swelling
yeah, well, so are you. more than i could ever be
you even used the word perfect
perfect: a term that, for as long as i have had the pleasure of knowing you,
you have abstained from including in your vocabulary
you told me once
(probably back in september when she was still around and
you were worming your way deeper into my heart)
that perfection doesn't exist,
not outside of the divine, of the god that you so dearly believe in
and i am quite partial to
so what does it mean when you tell me that i am perfect?
in body, in mind, in heart?
how could you think such pretty things of me and not see that it is all present in you as well?

i am the mundane
i feel so many things
but i spend my days attempting to conceal it
i have wings upon which i am sure i could fly
that i compress under the pressure
of my pathetic, self-inflicted inferiority complex
i am the mundane
i am not the spoken about
nor am i the one occupying any one person's thoughts
i may not be invisible
but i do not linger
the walls surrounding me are closing in and
my stomach rejects any thought of nourishment
my dreams keep shocking me awake but i cannot scream
i have so many stories to tell
but they all seem to pale in comparison
whenever someone else speaks up
i am the average
i am not ugly but i am by no means pretty
(although you would say "no, you're breathtaking" with a warm smile that would melt my frozen heart)
my words are by no definition astounding
but i thrive on them
(however you said once that my words are beautiful and therefore don't deserve to be read by unbeautiful people)
I have no quirks, nothing unique that I can boast about
(i wonder what your argument against that might be)
i stay idle in the same place
for hours on end
(but you give me validation because i am not lazy and i accomplish more than i give myself credit for)
i constantly find myself trapped in this hole
knowing full well that I dug it myself
but now, i can claw myself out
because i am not alone.

I am average (you see me as amazing)
You are incredible (you see yourself as sub-par)
I suppose we are two sides of the same self-loathing coin.