my love for you
the deep emotions
that fly around my heart
lifting me up
lighter than air
defy words
I have searched
reached out
tried to pull
those feelings
onto the page
but they fall
into flat air
the words
to fully express
my love for you
how much you mean
to me
how this love
runs deeper
than the Clutha river
is bigger
than Betelgeuse
how it
burns brighter
than the Sun
is clearer than
the waters of
lake Rotomairewhenua

simply
do not exist.

J.C.

numbers tumbling
in all their colours
is that why
4 is always green?
is it just me
the sky cascading
into the water
in 0s and 1s
grass flowing
like a river
in the blown wind
and the bell birds song
trilling in
numeric harmonies
even the heat haze
rising digitally
from the hot
and melting tarseal
as I run on
through the days heat
numbers springing
from my feet
the footfalls
making equations...
sometimes
I dare not look
up at the night sky
it's too much
a sensory overload
glitched
numbers tumbling
from the sky as light
toss and tumble
turn and burn
mind a rumble
striving
to work it all out
endlessly
they cascade
all about
numbers
dancing in light...

© J.C.

how do I love you
how can i not
in self isolation
with an ocean
of emotions
washing between us
I still feel you
lying next to me
warm skin
pressed against
warm skin
even
warmer hearts
communicating love
together singing
nothing lost
in the millions
of cresting waves
feeding
the undertow
your love
and how you express it
a constant pull
from the pit of my belly
to wherever you are
how do I love you
how can I not
oceans of emotion
flowing between us
I feel you as
every double beat
of my heart
sounds out your name
wild seas
storm the horizon
awash with love
that refuses to be tamed

© J.C.

it's cold here
in the shade
of your waning love
blue moon bruises
of the heart
left to rot
like fruit in the bowl
as the gnarl in my stomach
tightens
dark matters knot
to a widow black hole

© J.C.

this poets soul
is sowing seeds
for loved ones lost
for unseen deeds
in the quiet times
dappled with sighs
dusted in pale light
are pre dawn skies
Mr Tui sings
he spreads wide
his wings
in upward flight
to the Puriri tree
I think of you
I dream you are free
toes mulled
in a turning tide
undertow pulled
the tears we cried
for you
I glimpse your eyes
crystalline blue
so briefly seen
caught in sea foam
sands washed
renewed pristine
I let go like the sun
& long for home


J.C.

with honeyed lip
and fervent tip
into my mouth
my body
you dip
slip
slide
inside
all my senses
on override
breaking
me
down
pulling my tides
my *******
*****
wet
from your lips
my ***
wet
from your hips
and what they bring
making my body sing
breaking dawn
breaking into light
lucent
shimmering
burning bright
cheeks hotter
than the sun
you shine
you shine
you are mine
I am thine
you me
we
are
one.

J.C. honey-baby 02/07/2019

organic machine

of natures engineers
webs touched
by solar gleams
organic artwork
we see
structual intricacy
illuminated
dancing light fed
suns firstbeams
hitting morning dew
droplets catch colours
as prismatic mimicry
feigns fragile delicacy
underneath dancing light
steely strength persists
pretty deathtrap
shining bright

diptera
culicidae
muscidae
calliphoridae
Et al insectas

all escape
organic machine
visibility overload
until hot sun
shrouds anew

© J.C.

Of artists blocks
and charcoal pencils
lines drawn
blackened white
with hearts the stencil
gouache pastels
in dusted hues
smudged
whetted thumbs
by moistened lips
colours gently bruised
with fingertips
stroked by brushes
firm tipped certain
outside the frame
of loves drawn curtain
softly washed
in watercolour fade
the painter plays
loves serenade
emboldened strokes
in oils dramatic
his canvas laden
replete
climactic

© J.C.

Of artists blocks
and charcoal pencils
lines drawn
blackened white
with hearts the stencil
gouache pastels
in dusted hues
smudged by
whetted thumbs
from moistened lips
colours gently bruised
with fingertips
stroked by brushes
firm tipped certain
outside the frame
of loves drawn curtain
softly washed
in watercolour fade
the painter plays
loves serenade
emboldened strokes
in oils dramatic
his canvas laden
replete
climactic

J.C. honey- tiger 09/08/2019.

before the pale winter sun
has entertained thoughts
of pushing
its watercolour light
into the unfolded corners
of  this long cold night
a solitary Tui
perched
in the highest branches
of the ancient Puriri tree
outside my sleeping windows
sings
searching out his mate
serenading in another
distilled day
and filling my weary being
with little droplets of joy
the white tufted bird
is just being a bird
for him
nothing extraordinary
for me
his complex trills
clicks whirs
interspersed
with melodic bell like
bursts of song
cast out
into the monochromatic dawn
seeming to bleed colour
into the grayscale
feeding my poets soul

© J.C.

without
these walls
red fired dawn
burns into
shimmered lucent light
dancing brightly
against a
slow warming horizon
within
these walls
windows opened wide
Tuis morning song
and warm bright light
spilling into the room
I ache on
stretching my limbs
as if doing so
will find you
beside me
pressing your belly
(how I love your belly)
against mine as I stretch
your hands
(how I love your hands)
holding me
at my waist
your generous mouth
(how I love your mouth)
dusting my face
with kisses
and whispered growls
of love & tenderness
I keep my eyes closed
knowing
the moment I open them
the spell will break
within these walls
I stretch
in the hot summer morning
alone
without these walls
you are too far
from my touch
from my kiss
sultry droning cicadas
Mr Tuis ardent
morning serenade to Mrs Tui
the rising heat
serves only to feed this ache
settled deep in my belly
the pull in my ***** to
wherever you are
palpable

© J.C.

Waking up
panic rising
like bile
choking me
without you near
black dots fuse
together as fear
turning on all the lights
checking rooms
in the dead of night
pulse racing
heart thumping
there's no erasing
it
every sound has me
jumping
focus focus focus
on my breath
in

count

out

repress the urge
to scream and shout
as panic surge
after surge
holds me tight
in its grip
relentless
like a bad acid trip
feeling out of control
the seams tear and rip
counting hours til dawn
never felt so alone
lost in nights chasmic yawn
all I can do is
rock rock rock
try keep it tight
on lock
ride it out
knowing
what it's all about
doesn't mean
I can fix it though
some things
you cannot unknow
just hanging on
til first rays
of morning sun
some things
just can't be undone

© J.C.

You did not beat me
you did not abuse me
you did not ****** me
you did not see me
you did not talk to me
you did not need me
you did not love me
until you needed me to change
your **** bag,
until you needed me to
feed you naso-gastrically
until you needed me
to push the morphine
until you needed me a kid
at 13, to minister to you
tell you not to be afraid to die
that it was going to be alright.
until you needed to confess
to me, the sins of the father
until it was just me and you
mother brother spinning off
to the edge of the world
not coping not dealing
like I could do.
until you needed me to soothe
you like you never soothed me
offer you comfort like you
never did comfort me
until you needed me to see you
like you were blind to me
even tho I was right in front of you
all my life in your life
until you needed to tell me,
"I love you daughter", not for me
but for you.
until you needed me to tell you,
"I forgive you dad " and I do.
until you needed me to see you die
then you were gone, and for me
nothing new, situation remains
the same
unchanged.

J.C. mid 1987... Written at age 15.

You did not beat me
you did not abuse me
you did not ****** me
you did not see me
you did not talk to me
you did not need me
you did not love me
you did not hug me
you did not want me
until you needed me
to change your **** bag,
until you needed me to
feed you nasogastrically
until you needed me
to push the morphine
until you needed me
a kid at 13
to minister to you
tell you not to be afraid to die
that it was going to be alright
that you were not alone
until you needed to confess
to me the sins of the father
until it was just me and you
mother brother spinning off
to the edge of the world
not coping not dealing
like I could do.
until you needed me to soothe
you like you never soothed me
offer you comfort like you
never did comfort me
until you needed me to see you
like you were blind to me
even though
I was right in front of you
all my life in your life
until you needed to tell me,
"I love you daughter",
not for me but for you
until you needed me to tell you,
"I forgive you dad " (and I do)
to absolve you
until you needed me to see you die
then you were gone
and for me
nothing new
situation
remains
the same
unchanged.

©J.C.

the ways of men
pondered
tears spilled
on the pillow
a poem written
as a prayer
so please
I beg
let me sleep
now
peaceful
please

© J.C.

rain drops
birdy plops
splattered
on wet ground
pretty blue
speckled shell
no longer vital
pushed or fell?
first thought
to rescue you
cotton *****
all warm skidoo
too late by far
**** not scar
no warmth fed
could make undead
life in nature true
but still
pretty broken blue
sad to see
had me blue too
for you.

J.C. 24/09/2019

in the promise
of your kiss
mouths barely
touching
the lightest brush
of your generous lip
against mine
the warm dusting
of your breath
against my skin
tasting you
in my mouth
before you have
even touched me
I'm fully lit for you
thrills running
through
my wanting body
pulse thrumming
in my veins
my skin
on fire
craving
your touch
in those stolen moments
of almost touching
almost kissing
I feel your love
completely
it washes over me
pulls me
like the 7th wave
of an outgoing tide
at full moon
heavy undertow
dragging all logic
out with it
tossing me
tumbling me
caught
in the current
of my desire for you
I could be
shipwrecked
blissfully content
to be lost forever
your body
my deserted island
sometimes
all this love
all this passion
all this tenderness
all this heat
I have for you
overwhelms me
I lose time
just feeling
the intensity
of it all
find myself
breathless flushed
from
the mere thought of you
always
there is the pull
felt deep
in the pit of my belly
magnetised
and drawing my compass
to wherever you are.

© J.C.

The rain is broken
it no longer works
no longer lulls me a bye
to sleep
it beats out a new rhythm
one that has me tossing
turning
not sleeping
instead
it beats your name out
to me
relentlessly
reminding me
how I ache for you
as if I'd forget
you are in me now
living in me
in my breaths
in my heartbeats
inescapable
as the rain beats on
I hear you whisper my name

J.C. honey-tiger 22/08/2019. 5.55am

The kaleidoscopic
reel to reel show
of life
how it played
in contrast
to how you filmed it
or imagined
it would unreel
our hopes
dreams
wishes
reflected upon
whilst washing the dishes
the great divide
yawns chasm like
where we are
to where we believed
we would be
that niggling unrest
just one more
life test
the beauty is found
in the revelation
possibilities
still abound
gravity
is all that keeps us
anchored to ground

J.C

passion desire love
and where they take us
past the point
that can almost break us
revealed true selves
to never fake 'us'
lean into the bruise
becomes the soothe
trust freely given
defies the ruse
then you were gone
so begin the rues...
not to regret
never to forget
upturn the stage
to make it reset
it lingers long
after the sting is gone
the memory of your kiss
your teeth lips
your fingertips grip
Is it you, or is it that me
that I cry for and miss?

© J.C.

there is real beauty
in prismatic light
refracted
dew drops
touched by sunlight
On a perfect days dawn
there is real beauty
in ***** rain puddles
pooled
in city sidewalk gutters
an oily rainbow
streaks of colour
running the spectrum
causing a catch of breath
in my throat
caught and fraught
there is real beauty
in the fruit bats
immortalised and suspended
fried on the wire
of Sydney's city power lines
their final graceful swoop
caught and fraught
beautiful
he told me once
I'd never been
more beautiful
to him
salty cheeked
tear stains married with
a fine misted sweat
swollen eyed
flushed still
from our climactic
holy moments
the guttural heart pain
mixed with pure joy
caught and fraught
that last time
before
I had to cut you out of me
like a cancer
tearing me apart
with my own fingers
you killed me
on a daily basis
just to rip me back into life
every sunset and moonrise
resurrecting our love
pinning me to the board
while my wings
still fluttered madly
caught and fraught
smiling you watched on
feeding
the stumbling bumble bee
drops of your bourbon
as you drowned in it
as you drowned out of it
caught and fraught
there is real beauty
in the burning fuse
heartbeats racing
anticipating
the moment it all blows apart
I gather all the tiny pieces
of my poems you tore apart
angry
at the time
the time that they stole
from being with you
obsessed
possessed
black magic
flipping the switch
caught and fraught
I'm making a glue
from my tears
and my blood
you spilled
so I can rebuild myself
a papier mâché life...

but that's another poem
for another day

©J.C.

Sadness

craving for some love
on the empty side of the bed
feeling the hollowed pain
of things felt but left unsaid
the air has grown colder
as knots settle in my chest
are we going where we said
we'd never?
being so much less
than our loving best
I know sometimes I can be trying
less than easy, more than complex
your absented  love has me crying
falling into a blue emotional vortex
a growing gnawed bone deep ache
as the sadness rises steady
how much more before I break?

© J.C.

satellite skies (3 months of love)

satellite soaked skies
stars to unknowing eyes
crossed moonbeams
not quite as they seem
a mistaken cosmic sign
astral bodies do align
our bodies do align

starbursts on leavened tides
I see it as nebulae collide
star to star you + me
the colours my eyes do see
hues myriad your love gifts me

eyes closed sighs aflame alight
you're burning me up so bright
as nebulae collide this night
setting my skin on fire
untempered desire

you
you
you
my love
set all the stars to collide
love shine crystalline in your eyes

infinite fires burn in my heart
our love stands a universe apart
you loved me back from deep gloom
this love is no love in a vacuum

J.C. honey-baby 25/2019

Of bitten lips tears do fall
the sweet & salty sting of it all
the days stuck in my mind
of you of me of we the bind
of true love crept up from
behind the misty veiled eyes
took my heart by sweet surprise

the moment settled among
the stars, you took me there
on daily jaunts, from hot
summer days to  life on Mars
as winter set Sol on the run
soon sealed our love by frosted sun

memory flood gates will unbidden open
forgetting how dire my dear heart broken
fragmented shards shining through
their shimmer masks the pain of you

it's time to lay with you again
if only by my writers pen
the day we broke our bed to pieces
(f*cked it to death may it rest in peace)
unaware wrecked til shudders did cease
then laughed and rolled around like kids

so many many times like these
we slept on the floor then for a week
you bid me "a worthy replacement seek"
was your instruction whispered in my ear
as you pulled me close your intention clear

all of these days now frozen in time
just shadow boxing in my mind
it's done once more, as it was then
older beginnings meet newer ends

J.C. 17/03/2019.

You're out there
spinning galaxies
with fine tipped fingers
compressing time
then
stretching it out
into gossamer fibrils
casting each
diaphonous strand
into a perfect
jordans curve
infinite
ideal
iterations
looping
into each other
incessantly
less maven
more childlike
and lost
endlessly striving
to rewrite all those
coded memories
becoming
cocooned
confused
soffocating
and bruised
trapped
by your own
woven web of
shimmering lies.

© J.C.

she's falling down
at steps first stumble
toddlers bumps
a little egghead
learning curves
rough and tumble
she's falling down
from maypoles swing
bodies flung in air
the rush in the ring
flying free no care
she's falling down
sliding into base
jumping hurdles
and sheep
to win the race
she's falling down
the rabbit hole
tied to a tree
by a monster
childhood stolen
innocence broken
at 12 years old
no longer carefree
she's falling down
bending her mind
and space
trying to reclaim
in this world
sense of belonging
longing
to find her place
she's falling down
seeking love of
that one true other
crossing off each one
from the list
as just another lover
she's falling down
as monetary wealth
status
possesions
build up
still running on empty
is true loves cup
she's falling down
she's found him
to true love led
for too short a moment
her true love
suddenly at 21 dead
she's falling down
another monster
comes knocking
life's cruel jokes
leave her reeling
and rocking
she's falling down
as she gets up again
broken faith in man
has her not knowing
where to turn
she's falling down
another lover
one loved true dies
too young
heart bursting
with grief with sighs
nots furled tight in why's
she's falling down
married in love
never felt so safe
before
til she's crawling
the halls
spitting teeth on the floor
she's falling down
keeping it tight
to herself
resigned to the safety
of life on the shelf
she's falling down
been solitudinal
a long time
secure in loneliness
lost in her own rhyme
she's falling down
he's raising her up
loving care
sweet and tender
true communication
of love
fills up at last
true loves cup
she's pulling herself
back up.

© J.C. 25/09/2019.

If the world were to end tomorrow
It would be more than a decade
since I last saw you
I guess blood isn't thicker than water

we are all either a son or a daughter

have you ever thought of me kindly
or is it still all misgivings
at past sins unknown
no kindness & no forgiven quarter

we are all either a son or a daughter

I remember when as young siblings
how we still liked one another
you were my champion
before we laid it all to slaughter

we are all either a son or a daughter

the passage of time leads us nowhere
so these words laid bare on the line
be like feathers on air
tears dissolving as salt does in water

we are all either a son or a daughter


©J.C.

3am silence
sings to me
like a siren
on the stormy sea
it calls your name
carved out of
nights velvety ink
I reach for you
feeling my heart sink
as the night air
swallows my touch
without response
as silence screams
this pit deep want
interrupts my dreams
dry runs loves font
without you here
laying warm
against me dear
all is empty & cold
no joy of love
to thaw my heart
pain defined
is being apart.

© J.C.

you lifted my arm
to see it drop flop
like I was a rag doll
when I was still a child
should have still been
a child instead
my body heavy
limbs drugged
and sleeping
my mind
still awake
although drowning
small heart pounding
I could feel your heart beating
excited with anticipation
carrying me to
the midnight garden
silver dollar leaves
their dusky shimmer
becoming
my focal distraction
blurred points of light
guiding me back
to days spent in sunshine
sunlight glistening
on gentle ocean waves
childhood delights
dusted with light
slipping the knot
mouth filled
with leaves of rot
mixed with coppery blood
becoming
escape artist extraordinaire
Houdini of the mind slip
not to feel young flesh rip
invoking warm summer air
not to feel the rip and tear
making myself spring rain
not to feel the searing pain
recalling my mother's embrace
tactics to temporarily erase
to catapult
through time and space
dusky
silver
dollar
leaves shimmer
feeling the burn of the rope
grasping any filamental
glimmer of hope

© J.C. 25/12/2019 3.40am

Ione Plexaure Calypso
daughters of Poseidon
sisters three
temptress's of highest order
beckon me
onwards under blanket of darkness
evening star sole guiding light
nocturnes singing sweetly
deliver me through this night.
Nereid nymph's steer me
blind seafarers stolen sight
rarest fair silk drawn white
are your intimate delights,
best listen softly singing,
hearts can never leave,
but know allure,
that in those luscious seas,
bring calm waters, a gentle breeze,
my repose, my peace

J.C. 15/02/2019.

Night bleeds out
through to daybreak
counting seconds
scouring each
shadows shake
waiting to hide
in sunshine bright
counting scar lines
trying to keep it tight
a slaughterhouse
of me you'd make
Valentine's kisses
blown from fists
your promises
bleak
feigned cautioned
so no blame
could be apportioned
echoes in my ears
my heart still beats
my blood still flows
a small mercy
but
we both
know
know
know
that's not the way
it was meant to
go
go
go
heart beating
skin warm
blood flows
still
after it all
my hands refuse to
shake
shake
shake
but
we both know
the cost
it did
take
take
take

2  3  1  5

exit alive
the eye line
high above
the skyline
remains
contains
my vaulted
broken heart
devestation overload
you tore it all apart
bruised ego
refused to let me
go
go
go
and so
bloodstains
on the carpet
tearstains
on the sheets
celluloid keepsakes
my heart
breaks
breaks
breaks
over
and over
again and
again
did it do it
for you
make you
feel victorious
complete
roll the film
take a seat
watch
see
love
smothered by deceit

© J.C.

rest slips
sleeps
loosely tied nots
the chasm yawns
as slumber lost
its easy to
forgive
what we forgot
the brain debrides
a sleepless rot
seeps in quiet
at first
then like a riot
logic process bursts
a mind full food
sleep nourishes deep
mistress of mood
our sanity she keeps
night
after
night
spooled reels unroll
an endless thunder
amassing its tolls
in joyless wonder
I'm all rite I'm all write
lip maneuvers say
one more haunted night
feeds
one more daunted day.

J.C. baby-owly-owl 23/08/2019 5.05am.

my heart lifts
in upward flight
a bird on the wing
in the presence
of your love
like a lark ascending
soaring
skyward
on the thermal current

* * * * *

I've loved you
all of my life
even before we met
the promise of you
was cast in my heart
its double barreled
pulsed rhythm
secretly calling your name
your love for me
so sweet and true
became this littlebirds
homing beacon
guiding me
I wing my way
to the refuge of your embrace
to the rapture of your kiss
to the nest of our bed
to the radiance of your love
home.

J.C. (littlebird)

"sobs are not prayers"
the burial place & final home
of my father's ashes
is an endless tundra
of dotted dashes
a plague of plaques
and headstones
I wonder
at the volume of tears shed
watering both weeds
and plastic roses equally
their gaudy colours
once bright now faded
like the bones and ashes
of the once was person
whose grave they mark
loved ones lie deep
feeding the dug ground
along side the worms
and slaters alike
all washed by the same
salted river of stolen tomorrows.

J.C.

(many thanks to my friend & gifted scribe, "Liliths ghost" for the title and 1st line, and also the inspiration ).

So Close, just There...

So close, just there
Nights inky blackness,
enfolds us in warm embrace..
sultry jasmine
drifts through windows
opened to the velvet summer sky
your body heat
my homing beacon
in the dead of night,
in our too big bed

Just there, I feel it, so close,
draws me into your stratosphere .. intoxicates my senses,
carrying me to you
locked into your orbit
The nape of your neck,
(I'm already done for)
my trigger.
Your essence
so close just there.
I feel my pulse,
thrum, thrum, thrumming
blood courses through my body
as I breathe you in
I am
            lost,
                         lost,
                                        lost.

Inevitably drawn
to your musky haven,
surrendering
We were I'm sure,
formed this way,
before we were born,
you the key to me the lock,
made to fit together,
perfectly.
like our bodies
had known each other
forever.

My loving lost boy of the morning,
the only one
who ever really saw me
really knew me..
I thought...
you were forever

So close..Just there...
Your scent,
my kryptonite
& my solace,
your strong arms
my safe harbour
only my embrace
could calm your storming seas,
the timbre of my voice
salve to your wounds
Alpha to Omega,
Yin to Yang
we were..

So many secrets shared then...
so many secrets still kept...
forever you will be
My lost boy of the morning
heart open, fists closed
but I saw you.
forgotten & denied,
all your
past,
          past,
                      past,
hurts
buried deep down

I still see you
in moments of every day,
at night
you come calling
in my dreams,
Sometimes...
tears stinging my cheeks awake,
heart bruising from memories
of a beauty we once shared,
an enveloping sense of grief,
lays heavy on my soul
and sleep is lost once more.
midnight beats back the clock
like grains of slow ice.,
'til dawn breaks again.

I miss the secret 'we'
the scent
at the nape of your neck
being so close...just there
a mere reach of my hand
to find you,
in the dark,
your slow calm breaths
bringing me back
from the night terrors,
the monsters of my distant past,
trying to force their way in...
from a life past
a life before you,
my panacea
saved me from myself

Our bed, your arms,
that musky firm embrace
our whispered secrets
in the dark,
kisses first
sweetly stolen,
then savoured deeply
my cheek pressed against
your chest
the
strong
slow
steady
beat of your heart
strong fingers threaded
softly through my hair,
one powerful hand resting
in the curve of my waist,
fingertips tracing
invisible patterns on my belly.
I could have stayed that way
forever,
curled up against you,
safe from the world.
I thought.

Safe no more
Love no more
Trust no more
Still...

I miss it.
I miss it.
I miss you.
I miss the 'we' that once we were
I miss the deep love
'we' once shared
I miss...
My loving lost boy of the morning
at sleepy fingertips reach.
So close, just there...

J.C. 01/04/2010.

some days
I feel like I've
lived
a thousand
life times
run
a thousand
marathons
back to back
not slumbered
deeply
for 1000 years

some days
I feel like
I get younger
with each breath
walking
on air
butterflies
in swarm
the sun
setting over the ocean
fill me
with wide eyed wonder
as if seen
for the first time

every day
spent
in the embrace
of your love
fills me
with joy anew
the stars
all burn brighter
you are
warm sun rays
upon my face
my heart soars
weightless
pure with
lightness of being
the one you love.

© J.C.

S - ay my name and I melt dissolve
O - pen mind find my hearts resolve
M - e and you its written in the stars
E - ternally one now we never to part
O - ft knowing my words before I do
N - ever tiring of being on with you
E - nigmatic bright feeling lovely you..

J.C. honey-assassin 29/05/2019.

**** seductive sensual serene super!
Open optimistic orbital original!
Mesmeric moral magnanimous mine!
Emotional exciting empath electric!
Obliging outstanding orator ohh ohh!
Natural naughty neat nice nourishing!
Excellent ****** effusive exceptional!

J.C. honey-tiger 28/05/2019