When I said yes to getting dinner with them
I never thought you'd get brought up in conversation  
And when you did
The most bizarre thing happened
My friends knew more about your life than I did

And less than a year ago,
I could never conceive of a world where that would ever happen

I love telling drunk people about my life
Right before they fall asleep
Because I can say every ***** detail
And they won't remember a thing

I feel sad.
And there are so many reasons,
That I actually can't tell you why.

What you don't understand is
I'm okay with being different
I see no need
To remain in the dull flows of life
I will not apologize for making you
"Uncomfortable"
                          Or
                             "Upset"
Because you see
All I have found reality to be
Is hypocrisy
Be honest, you teach
Then yell when I tell you what I think
Because apparently I wasn't respectful
To your big ego
And failure as authority

You say that it is maturity
To bite my tounge
And hold back your thoughts
That, this is how life works
So I might as well give in
To the surface deep conversations
Of weather
Or news you pay no attention to

                          But I will not
                            Nor could I
                       Ever apologize
                      For my strength
                           As I refuse
       To conform to the restraints of this
                               world

I'm not sure exactly when it started
I just can't remember the last time I wasn't tired

When I was little
I would pretend to be asleep
So my parents could believe
They didn't need to worry
And I'd wait until they'd walk down the stairs
And I'd tip toe out of bed
And sit at the top of the stairs
My head leaned against the wall
Listening to the laughter below
Imagining ball gowns
And glasses filled with bubbly drinks

So why can't I fall asleep?
Because the night has also held too many secrets
For a curious child
Who loves to dream

We judge girls for starving themselves
We call them ungrateful, insecure, and shameful

We judge girls for loving themselves
We call them conceited, slutty, and vain

We command girls to love themselves
But only as long as no one else can hear

I don't feel like myself
I can't decide whether I have changed
Or everything around me has
I don't believe that it could be both

I feel my heart beating against my chest
My body trembles, terrified from the demons running wild in my head
My eyes are crying but i feel nothing at all
No breath enters my lungs
And I cling to the wall

I don't feel like myself
And to be honest
I haven't for awhile

I didn't know how to handle
All the broken pieces of my heart
They all left
And I believed that I was all alone
But then I looked up
And there you were
Carefully picking up every piece
And smiling while you did it
Like you were honored
To be the keeper of my shattered heart

We all have our secrets
Tucked deep inside our hearts
The thing we are ashamed of
A scar, an unhealed mark
A story written in permanent ink
Locked and sealed
Deep inside of me
Where no one can see
Lost and untold
The story unfolds
And you are left to see
The broken side of me
He was perfect
Everything I dreamed
Everything I needed someone to be
Then he left
And I had to guess
What really made him go
But then I found out those secrets
The details in the fabric
How he really never cared
About my broken heart
That he would come back around
Trying to leave another scar
And when I asked what is all about
He tried to pretend
It meant nothing at all
Even though he said
It was impossible to get me out of his head
And I cried
Because I fell for him all over again
I screamed and threw
Put my fist into a wall
All just to realize
I don’t love him at all
I’ve moved on
Finally
After all of this time
God opened my eyes
Showed me I don’t need you in my life
So let’s just go our separate ways
Our story is coming to an end
I can’t sit and wait forever
Hoping you’ll come back around
I hope life treats you well
But this is our goodbye
And then you’ll be
Just a precious memory
Held deep within me
A secret
My detail in the fabric

I'm not sure how to put into words the perfection that was that night
That we walked along the midnight waves,
Looking for turtles who never appeared
Lit by the millions of stars that painted the South American sky
It reminded me of photographs that seemed so perfect you had to believe it was fake
We slowly walked closer and closer
My shoulder began brushing yours
My hand would touch yours and each time, my stomach turned
You never saw that I was dying for you to grab my waist and pull me in
Close enough to taste the salt on your lips and the rawness of your eyes
To linger in each other's hearbeats while I studied your body close to mine
We discussed poetry, books and all the things that terrified us
I think I saw you watching me while I watched the stars
And I told you things I never told anyone
My soul never felt so connected to another's
My body instantly gravitated towards you like you were meant for me in some form

I'm not sure if you loved me or not
But I believe in that moment I was someone you could've loved
And that is good enough for me

A song from 7 years ago
Started playing on the radio
And without even realizing it
I was singing all the words

I wonder if we're like that song
No matter how many years pass between us
I will still know all the words to the song of your body
And be able to sing along

I loved you not because you loved me...


But because I was a hurricane            
And you loved to dance in the rain.

You remind me of the rain
Poetic. Beautiful.
Silent yet deafening.
Something I have always been fond of yet feel engulfed by loneliness when I am in its company.

You remind me of the rain.
Beautiful and tragic.
I can't comprehend how you are both but you are.

Both beautiful,
and tragic.