I have spent time in many beds on
friday nights with boys who have
never learned my last name.
hoping to find love between their sheets.
but they can see my rainforest eyes
are filled with violent secrets
and a thirst for red wine.
they always leave me for the
girls with a more gentile voice and
stronger arms.
there is a lonely hum in my brain
where your name used to be.
as if i was in an accident
and the only part of my brain that was effected
was the part storing my memories of you.
i can’t go back anymore. not ever.
not since that night you said goodbye
instead of goodnight.
i didn’t notice until now. 8 months later.
when it was too late.

You want to show me
some real love,
then please,
lover of the poetic-art,
**** on my words,
keep a tight grip
on my concepts,
don't fight me,
move with my flow,
*******
with more theory,
swallow all of my stories,
don't miss a drop
& return for more.

I want you reader,
I want you really bad,
I want you to know,
it means a lot to me
you see,
your reading-actions
make me fiery-hot,
I write harder,
harder & harder.

We were
under the bridge;
looking at the street lights
and the half frozen,
patiently racing
river.
               We started talking
about all the things
we've done;
all of the things we
simply did.
               And I thought to myself...
        "maybe this is growing up."

In the framework of the party house turned trap
you pushed a man to the wall and pulled out your glock 357
and held it to his temple like it wasn’t loaded
and you weren’t angry

and I was in the closet with a boy whose name I never thought to learn
and to this day I have kept your secret

I'll never know what you whispered in his ear as
the bass dropped somewhere downstairs

but I will never forget the way your trigger finger twitched

and the way he dropped his cup
and ***** mixed with cranberry juice fell to the floor
and soaked into the carpet

I wonder if the stain is still there
I wonder if they’d even care if they knew it could be blood
on the ground in their bedroom

and you stalked out after tucking the gun back into your waistband
and pushing your hair back into place

and he leaned against the wall and fell to his knees like he was seeing Jesus

We always said we didn’t know what we would do without each other
But we did know

We’d only known each other for two years

I wasn’t there when your parents split up and each remarried
or when you had to get stitches on your face
or watched your first scary movie

And you weren’t there when I smoked my first cigarette
or tried to **** myself when I was 13
or when I won that soccer game my freshman year

The last time we had *** we were in a rush
because we had school in 37 minutes
and so we made it sloppy and fast in your shower
and then we drove to school together with wet hair and we laughed

The last time we had *** I got pregnant

This wasn’t one of those scares where you’re two weeks late
so you buy a few cheap tests and it’s negative
so you stash the rest in the back of your drawer and forget about it

I got pregnant on the first day of June and I never told you

I miscarried on the last day of August
and you never even knew how close you came to being a father

We stopped talking and I couldn’t even tell you
how I was stunned into silence when I realized I was going to be a mother and then knew I had to keep it a secret

Knew I had to keep our dark haired future to myself

So here it is the end of February

I should have been having the baby this week or next
and you NEVER EVEN KNEW

I watch you say how much you love this little 15 year old girl
you’ve been dating for six months

I miscarried the day you started dating so tell me that was just a

coincidence

But don't you dare ever tell me you don't know what you'd do without me
Well, I guess you wouldn't anymore

Seeing as how you don't want me