Lying is easy
For some it comes like an exhale
The lie moves flawlessly and without effort
Flowing from throat to lips like a wave

For others lying can feel like daggers
Each slur silently attacking the listener
While guilt subtly washes over the liars face  

I hold my breath while reading him for guilt
Holding onto the thought that I am overthinking
While wishing I’m just living in the past trauma
He tries to take me in his embrace

he is looking for satisfaction somewhere else
it’s hard not to blame myself
But good people do not lie
Even if it comes as easy as a wave

A house with wrap around deck
Acoustic music softly plays as a smell of
Fresh rain and cedar fill the room
Content and certainty as he hugs from behind

Without you that’s just a foolish dream now
Why did I let you have this power over me

***** laundry, takeout meals, alcohol  
This cyclic routine is starting to feel like nothingness
I won’t allow a vision of the future  as it won’t include you

Perpetually living in the last second

Good for me

I go to work
I look after myself

I try to be kind and
I fake being okay

Good for me
That’s all I’m going to say

Raising the blinds
A warm cast of sun hits her face and body
She started the day feeling confined

Now listening to country music
Driving through dirt roads
She’s surprised as she feels euphoric

Reading for hours not giving my mind a minute to rest

If it does, resting will soon morph into flashbacks and racing thoughts of inadequacy

I wish it was easier
But it’s not. I have to drag myself to a stumble into the future

Just wish I could know if the suffering will end

A firm hand gently rests my shoulder I close my eyes in comfort

Relaxation fills my chest as I exhale.

Stop. His hand once did that

A look is shared, indicating mutual content and security

Stop. He once made me feel that.

His voice and charm made me feel so valued and precious.

Stop. He once tricked me too.  

Sometimes it’s okay not to trust whole heartedly. Anyone can be capable of providing comfort.

I wish I could raise the blinds

I’d open them and allow every inch of my skin to feel the sun.
I foolishly think this is what will make me happy

I am punished with a dull cast of sunshine
The pain I’ve been through won’t let me get sun burnt  

Tying my hands together as I continue  to smile and nod