too little too much, i write next to you, your shoulders touch me , but you would never touch me. i heard the music starting to spike, i wish i could rewrite, the way we met, so it was just in my head. it was worth it, around 80 degrees, overworked every time, the ac went out last week. i see straight up, i decided the ceiling looked better, when the floor fell out, from under you.

ive decided that if i write a self critical poem then it must be followed by something hopeful I've realized recently. its 2020 and i feel like ive finally watched a movie that can articulate how i think about things. its like ive been trying to find the words and someone finally said them the way i'm thinking about them. i can finally breathe out. in a good way. if i can use movies to make sense of things, thats a good thing. if i can use photos to make sense of things, thats a good thing. when i act on that i feel better. i can follow through.

i sulk in corners
i take my time

it seems impossible to not write about myself
or the lover that wasted my life

pausing time became my pass time

spinning around in circles
is only worth it if you get better each time
and you stared me down in my backyard
and hoped to find out whether or not i survived

but that was never the point
and now it is never enough

i think about him
and i think about falling in love with him
a feeling of safety
a feeling of comfort

i think about her
and i think about the whole earth shattering without her
a feeling of movement
a feeling of change

i wish that it was my life instead of theirs.

what does it mean when i dont want to be here anymore and other people don't even have the choice?

The blood drains from the top to the bottom on my face. There is no color. I felt light headed, but that was just the beginning of the summer. By the late months I couldn't see straight and at the end of the day magic tricks played tricks on me as the sun went down but refused to set. I saw stars. I saw **. Curious as to what took place I phoned a friend the next day. She said that I had been misinformed. She said that the blood on my sheets wasn't from the knife in my hand but was that of ----. She hung up or did I not listen? As far as I'm concerned it was never there.

when i read everything i write, it all seems so ridiculous. where are the real problems? have you ever been through anything ever or is loosing someone due to your own fault the biggest thing you've ever had to overcome?

i hit delete space
back to space next
hoping to figure out what im doing without making a mess


not sure how to make connections when left and right don't make things straight. my head is on backwards, placed left of the door, where you hung me out to dry. the ***** laundry you had in your backseat was more than just the jeans, button downs that took note of the fact. the rhythm i held my high with turned out to be off beat. we havent talked in days, months, years? it seems to only have been hours. the coach wears a stopwatch and tells me that if i want to be good enough i have to connect the dots. i dont really want to go to bed, but i dont want to stay awake when ive been thinking of all the ifs, ands, coulds. All the times I used my left hand when my kneecap begged to feel the concrete.

you're probably nicer to the people you talk **** about than you are to me

tell me to get out of the way
                                                y
yy

and i will or

punch  me in the face
                                          e
                                       e   e  
and watch me stay

being wrong isnt always bad
its just a reminder that sometimes you make something
out of nothing
and nothing comes from nothing
so why try and make something that isnt there
when you can focus on whats in front of you

thinking about you in a catch all
my hands keep moving but its still on
why are all these clothes still on
all i can think about while we get on

i once again hit the space too soon
and messed up the beat
to my own walk and tried to hold my head high

you cant patent the sky
or the grave that you dig for me

but i get in gladly

this is what i mean when i see people doing me
but i already moved on and their out of my lives?
so you can stay behind while i see the finish line

undercover for the next month-i'm trying to hide
please dont come looking
unless you really promise to be by my side

surviving but in a different kind of way
thriving off the art, the ideas, the concepts
its really all i need to live,

but when i cant support myself in the ways the world wants
i feel less
less than average
less than special
less than anything
no money, no food, no sleep

but trying harder and giving my everything
and that should count for something

connection is the easiest thing to achieve in the world. clarity is what gets to me. i cannot say a single word out loud. if i could just finish that sentence. the one that i wrote last week. I already talked about it with whoever lived in my head at the time. a day later, they vanish. we talk about unnecessary places, but i can't remember their name.
last year, that was important.
this year, this is important.

think before you speak might be the worst thing ever said.

this makes me feel
you make me red with anger
for no reason
beside an annoyance
like a pest on my shoulder
but you didn't even say a word
i couldnt keep it closed
im not mad that I met you

but im mad that I met you

"awesome! Glad you guys got it figured out"

"hahahaha no worries! I'll be home late tonight!!!!"

"This is great! Release a way"

"Wherever you want me to be? Can I come over?"

"Oh man."

"I hope I can see you when I come back!!"

"Take all the time."

and i havent felt this wayyyyy
in someeee days
and i need you again
just to breathe
feel normal again

meet me in the middle again
before i send that text
felt the worse in my breath again

i found you a few different ways
in a few different men
if i dare say  
and ill cry through the night while you hold me tight
because i found my favorite song
it makes me think of you all day

writing behind this screen

no one could catch me
see where i was
know what i was thinking

i was hiding in plain sight
right under the covers

until i was caught
and seen through  

life was nice on the inside

but once again, the saint decides to sin

all the hard work
and all the days to look forward to
all the time we put in

its all paying off better than we ever thought it could

and everything we went through
with greater lengths  
all the times we thought we wouldn't see it through

we made it and this is just the beginning

trying to finish everything in one gulp
you look good in my side eye
but maybe its just your hand down my pants
my mind cant stop thinking about it

you got me wet and then gave up
and i thought thats what i was going to do

in bloom and i cant beat this feeling.
good things in the air
green on the ground
in love in new ways than before
i hope you know

i hope you know

the last song that I listened to plays on default in my head. It fills the space between my last thought and my next. I told you I missed you but how could I when I can't even express how I feel about you. It is confusing. I count the hours when I'm with you but dream about spending time with you. It is being a shell of a person. I say shell because I am still strong on the outside. It is not simply a layer that you peel back. Not something you poke and ****. It is something you break with a baseball bat and it hurts.

"these short sentences are so annoying" she said, "what you think you're a poet now because you put an odd space in the middle of a line or pressed enter a few times"

"well no" I said, "i think it is

more

than just that. I tried to write in complete sentences but in the third grade my teacher said that my writing was too straightforward. my writing was never used as the example to the rest of the class you know what i mean? So now i am just trying so desperately to be seen"

"well maybe instead you should take the time to actually articulate and rewrite drafts and make something of value to the academica" she snapped.

"WELL in that case I'll try to forget that my sister slammed a door in my face when I was eight and cut my finger so badly that it is now stuck on
space"

I stuttered.

"Unfortunately I was doomed to be here, and now you just look dumb"

i left all my tears in my bed the other day, i hate when my face scrunches up and i told you i cant think out loud. i saw a cherub on the telephone pole outside my house and they told me i should take a second guess. life is exactly what you see. try not to think so reversely.

Glad we could get that out in the open now. I'm....sorry if it seems like im uninterested but actually I... I think I might be in love with you. And,  I know thats a really big thing to say. But I mean it...Then again, I fall in love with the weeds that are growing through the sidewalk cracks, or that random cd at goodwill that you think might change your life if you just had a cd player to listen to it. God, I need to stop trying to so hard."

"I wish I could just know what you want"

i write all at once. with little edits. no going back.

only one half baked idea after another.

the intensity just comes off so so so annoying
i hate trying too hard
can i not try at all

everything you do seems effortless im trying to get back to that

dont text dont text
words never came out of my mouth correctly
but you came on my back and never left
id rather have come on my fingers

empty but not in the eyes
alone but not in the photo

tell me what you plan to grow to

they say that im the man but they dont even know you  

and i dont need to check the lens
when i loaded the film
check the keys and leave the purpose

molding around these lies and my speech is bad

i created a story in my head again. that we could be together again. i forgot what you go by now. its been a few years now. you'll understand again. and ill bite my cheek out.

because we were just wasting time
and i just wish i had the stamina to do things

but the only thing on my mind is you
and every week that you is someone new

please don't use this against me
ive never seen blood gush against me before

thought about the sidewalk leading up to your house
the lightning bugs we caught along the way
the stairs up to the door
the blanket that rested on the couch
the pans in the sink
the tv in the shaded room
the statues in the backyard
the tomatoes we used to pick
the basement i was scared of
the filled up washing machine
the upstairs rooms filled with treasures
the secret door that lead to no where

i miss that house
i miss you more
im sorry i wasn't there to say goodbye

we fell in love
racing toward the sky
left me on the earth
looked me in my mind
felt between the thighs
make me understand why

"i heard she finally died"

"THANK GOD FINALLLLY"

thought you were interested in the work
is it my talent or me?
the agenda is immature

i thought we were there for each other
i knew we would grow apart
who am i kidding
it was a no win situation.

but im still going to win
and thrive
and dive deep into my ideas,
only to never stop trying.

i will carry on, regardless.

its already been an hour. I  have a paper to write and a life to figure out by 3. coffee on my teeth and progress on my mind. the life i made for myself is all mine. but it took some time to realize, that life is more fun when you look at what else is being done, the amazing people that live, and the breathe that hangs low and makes you keep moving. it means more when you realize the process is the progress and the work is simply acquired time. not everything happens perfectly but everything happens the way its supposed to.

and thats just something that takes time to understand.

but you will soon,

and i pray for the day you do.

went from the follower to the leader
the listener to the bleeder
i cant be mad that all my children are poppin

i cant stop thinking about it cause
it is it is it
and thats **** is ******* hot

i get a call from you and you want something from me. i get a call from them and they just want me to come home. it is impossible to be in two places at once but i try anyway and end up nowhere at all. two unhealthy attachments and they seem impossible to break. and you're enabling bad behavior everywhere you look. white girl. white girl. white girl. they say you're the problem and you are but what do you do when you like it because you're conditioned to like it. a comparison is the worst compliment you can give me.

not going through  it again
not gonna do it again
question the times you looked in my eyes

too far behind
left it on the left side
to the far side

the pretty music left me on the floor
and ill be curious forever more

falling asleep in the sky again
never looked bad on me  
but rather whoever was talking

big scene
no ring
pass time
to find the fast life

im breathing slow and moving fast
you talk a lot
so i'll have to pass

round up the lines and
im not feeling right
living a lie
just to find light

in a movie
just found out im the star
no one knew my name  
only that that i wasnt worth their time

the sun and the moon collided
and decided
that it was my time
and now all i can shout is

not you

not trying to talk too much
but i think i said too much

more to talk about
till we laugh it out
i make you feel something
but i'm not going to stay

no, you don't understand where i've been running from

i closed my eyes at 8:30. Woke up again at 10. Told myself to work on things instead of just laying in bed. Laid there and went in and out of sleep. Checked the clock. 10:40. Go to bed. Work on something. Go to bed. Loose consciousness. Check again. 11:35.  Put on a show. Turn off the lights. Try not to think. Try not to think. Try not to think. Check again. It must be morning. 4:10. A show is still playing. Although the season finished and something else started playing. My eyes hurt.

i keep to myself for reason i cannot explain
i do not feel comfortable
sharing,
explaining,
but i don't want to make you unhappy
that is the toughest part