this is my formal apology

I never wanted to believe I was in the wrong
like my actions were justified
like what I said was justified..

but as your lover
there are things I should not say
and I am sorry

I am sorry because I know I was the one that drove you away
I am sorry because you looked for love in someone else
and you found it

when you left I thought I would never recover
you are the girl I wanted to marry
and I am the reason you’re gone

I am sorry that I was cruel
I am sorry that some nights I refused to hold you when I know
that’s all you needed

but most of all
I am sorry that I spent months searching for the Exit Signs
because now that I’m out
I only wish I knew how to get back inside

this is my formal apology

I am sorry you regret me
but I understand why

this is not how I want to live
I’m tired of kissing razorblades goodnight
and bottles of ***** good morning

I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror most days
I am not the person I wanted to be

this is not how I want to live
I don’t know if I want to live at all

I’m sick of breaking myself down to try and build others up
my arms are tired and my knuckles bruised
and I don’t want to fight anymore

I’ve been looking for a way out so long that
I don’t even recognize it as a danger
looking down the barrel of a gun

not until I hear it go off

There are few things I really fear in this world

I use to believe that losing you was one of them but
since you left
I have decided that all I am
is not because of some girl

I am sure that one day
you will cease to roam my head and
I will stop writing about you but
until that day
I do not mind keeping you as a reminder

that even though we loved more passionately than the stars loved the night sky
I can live without you

I do not revolve around you
I am my own god and you
are just a girl

I’m sorry I didn’t come see you

I’m sorry I never called
that I didn’t tell you I loved you before you left

I don’t know what I expected when I heard you got sick
but it wasn’t this

I’m sorry I couldn’t come after you died
that I never said goodbye

I’m so sorry

I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to get out of bed
that I couldn’t stop crying long enough to call your wife

to tell her I’m sorry

I’m sorry I got angry every time a stranger
told me they were sorry for my loss

but it hurts so ******* bad


I’m sorry

i think i’m dying
and i don’t know if i should be scared or.. relieved maybe?
i think i’ve been waiting for this to happen
for a long time

it’s terrifying that i really don’t feel anything
i never thought i’d go back to slitting my wrists but i needed to know this was real
i needed to see blood i needed to know that i am real
i don’t know if i’m real and i think that scares me

everything seems.. distant
and i don’t know if it is because i am still so in love with her or
if it is because i swallowed too many pills but
it’s like i can’t quite reach anything

it isn’t empty yet
but i think i am
i’ve felt so empty for so long..
and i use to feel everything

and i don’t know which i prefer
at least now my head is quiet and my heart is soft
my hands still tremble
but i never expected them to stop

i think i am dying

I am a liar
I am a liar for saying I do not love her

but I’d rather be a liar than admit that I am pathetic

I’d rather keep it to myself
how my heart sinks when I see you kiss him
the way you use to kiss me..

I don’t want anyone to know how much it kills me that you do not love me

you never loved me and that is okay
but I wish you hadn’t been such a liar

and I wish that I had never given you everything I had
because I am empty now

I am empty and my heart doesn’t beat how it use to
and most nights it’s hard to breathe

without you
I don’t feel like living

and I hope one day that will change
and I won’t need you anymore

but today I am still praying you will come crawling back to me
so that I can do what I need to

I love you
but you are toxic
and I am sick of drinking poison

I use to love you

you use to smell like cigarettes and cheap beer

but now I’m the one who smells like I’ve been drinking too much
and I’m the one who can’t seem to pick myself up off of the floor

and I’m scared

I’m scared because I haven’t felt this lonely since
you slept beside me

but at least then I had someone to hold

and now I’m clutching my stomach hoping this time

I won’t cry over a girl who doesn’t want me by her side
even though I’m still hoping you’ll come back to bed

my body’s shaking from withdrawal

you were stronger than any drug I’ve ever tasted
more poisonous too

and it’s killing me