I do not love

I don’t even like the girls I sleep with
I just can’t sleep in an empty bed

and I do not miss you
or the way you taste

I’ve long forgotten the smell of your skin
the sound of your voice

I just miss having someone to hold
but I don’t want it to be you
do not come back here

I can’t stand the way your name sounds against my tongue
or the memories I have of you

I do not love

I didn’t even like her
just the way she told me I was better than the boys she ******

I do not love

they didn’t teach me that when I was in school
or how to feel when she leaves you

I had to figure these things out on my own
and I know I’m doing something wrong

but I do not care
I do not
I don’t

I do not love

but if I did
it would not be you

you drive me crazy
and not in a good way

you make my ******* skin crawl

and I’m trying to figure out how
to rip you from my veins

you have always left a sour taste in my mouth
and I am trying to wash you out

but I can’t forget the way you made me bleed
when I begged you

no
it never meant anything to you

that’s why you never stopped
when I begged you

no
please listen

no
she’s just a girl

no
please

no no no..

you drive me crazy
in the “I want to blow my brains out” kind of way

do not touch me again
I can still feel my skin crawl

and I am trying to figure out how
to get rid of you

I know I’m not over her

by the way my breath catches when I see her name
I wonder if she still thinks about me

God, it’s killing me
having to look at her pretend to love everyone but me

I know I’m not over her

because after we ******
a year and a half after she left me
I remember reaching for her at two in the morning

I can still taste her on my lips
hear her moaning my name

****
of all the noise she made that night
it was by far the sexiest thing I had ever heard

I know I’m not over her

when every kiss plays on repeat in the back of my head
and I wake up most morning wishing she were here

and the way she said she loved me..
I know I’m not over her

but I still tell her I am

she used me
she took everything because all I ever did was give

she took parts of me I wish I could take back
like my innocence
every ******* “I love you”

she used me and she ******* left
and when she left I begged her to come back to me
told her she was my everything
“I can’t live without you”

when really
she’s just another girl
who didn’t listen the first time I said no
so I just stopped talking

she’s gone because there was nothing left to take

good

go **** some other poor helpless kid
who made the mistake of thinking you were made of stars

I can live without you

watch me.

you say “I love you” and swear you mean it

but you don’t
how could you?

when you can’t even love yourself

this is not what I wanted

but god I missed the taste of your lips
the way a ship misses the shore

I missed your breath on my neck
more than fallen stars miss the night sky

and the way you wrapped your arms around me..
like I was something you didn’t want to let go..

this is not what I wanted
( I want you )

if you drink enough ***** it tastes like

regret

like all the nights you spent bent over the bathroom sink
tears running down your face when you can’t seem to catch your breath

like rust and blood and bile in the back of your throat
razors on the counter and a half cocked gun in your hand

like not sleeping because you’re too busy screaming at the sky
begging the moon to bring her back

like breaking bones on promises like “forever”
tearing open your chest searching for some part of you she might’ve left
but finding nothing

if you drink enough ***** it will not taste like love
and it certainly will not taste like her