I wonder if we kissed..
would you still taste like menthol cigarettes
and cheap beer
and cheetos

****
would you still taste like me..

god I wish I knew
so I could stop torturing myself
wondering if you still taste like your promises

like “forever”
“run away with me”
“I love you”

I love you..
I love you
I love you
I love you

and no one else
I don’t know how to taste like anything but you

please
I just want to kiss you

my mom asks me how I’m doing
I smile and tell her I’m happy

but every time I see my doctor
I tell him
I want to die

I’m at 1800 mg now

just to try and keep from rocking the boat hard enough
to flip me into the water

but I do not need oceans to drown me
I just need to hear you say that you still love me

let me choke on all the reasons you left
why didn’t you stay?

you deserve someone who kisses you like they want to fall in love
not like they just want to ****

that’s my problem
I always wanted to fall in love
it looked so beautiful
the way the other poets wrote it
and just thinking of what you tasted like ..sober
but I’ve tasted you with shots of brandy
you do not taste as sweet as your promises
****
the brandy burned sweeter than you
I wanted to feel you on me
hear “I love your lips on my hips
the way your fingertips knew exactly where to go
like following the edges of a map”
but not “I love you”
the thing I so often heard
and heard myself say

you are more toxic
than the drinks I use to
chase you down

I just want to ****
I just want to ****
I just want to-
******* look so beautiful tonight
not nearly as poisonous
and even your “**** me” didn’t taste as bitter

when you left
I took it with shots of brandy
it didn’t sting like your hand against my cheek
and it felt warmer than you ever did
emptied the bottle into tall glasses
tall like you
I always wondered what you tasted like
sober
maybe like you wanted to fall in love
but your brandy lips sounded like you just wanted to ****

I started drinking again

but I never get the urge to call you
and beg you to come back to me

maybe because I don’t miss you anymore

I only think it’s surprising because
when we used to get drunk together

you begged me for love
but not the kind I asked in return

you only ever told me you loved the way I touched you
how I made you feel good

I asked you to love me at one in the morning when I could not feel your arms around me
or hear your heart beat next to mine
asked you to promise to be here when I woke up

I got used to hungover mornings without you
and I think that’s why I don’t reach for you

I wanted to tell you I still love you
but I don’t know if I ever did

I started drinking again
and I haven’t even texted you

I don’t want you to come back
and I’m okay with that

I was drunk the first time a girl kissed me

I wish I had been sober so I could remember it better

we were on the bed
she held my hands down above my head
I pretended to struggle

I didn’t want to seem too eager

she leaned down
and I swear

in that second before our lips met
every part of me came alive
I felt fire burning through my veins

and god
I’d never known anything better

I’m afraid

I’m afraid that kissing in the back corner of the kitchen where your family can’t see us
will leave desire somewhere in my bones
too deep
for me to claw away

I’m afraid that I was never in love with you at all
and that I just liked the feeling of your teeth against my neck

I’m afraid that I only want you the way everyone else does
even though I always swore
I adore you for more than just the way your skin feels under my palms

I’m afraid that when the bruises you left fade
I will ask you to leave more
at least I’ll have proof you were here

I’m afraid that if I hear you breathlessly asking my name
I will completely lose myself in you

I’m afraid because I do not have the self control to stop from wanting you

I like to pretend like three days sober
means I’m getting better
but

I’ve still got battlefields played out on my wrists

and just because my veins aren’t pumping liquor tonight
doesn’t mean those half empty bottles aren’t staring me in the face

and I can hear that rusty pipe calling out my name
like you and I both know
I can stop the bleeding for a few hits of the good stuff

and maybe then I won’t feel
the nasty bite as I claw through flesh

too many Oxy and I might lose my ****
literally


three days sober like I’m getting better
but when my head’s not swimming through alcohol dreams

I’ve just found another way to **** me