I decided that I loved your promises more than I hated my body so I let you have it

when you left
I took it with shots of brandy

I had been sober so long because your kiss was enough to make my head swim

and letting you walk away was one of the hardest things I've had to take

you said leaving me was hard
like when your dad died

and it was just as bitter as watching my mom fight cancer

for the second time

I'm still swallowing back the goodbyes I never got to say

when you left
I took it with shots of brandy

but even it doesn't burn the same

doctors have told me I've died eight times
everyone else keeps begging me to stop shooting smack into my wrists because I only have one life left

when I mixed dirt and blood and water in my veins like a chemistry project
I had intended to come home to you
I didn't mean to end up ******* air through a hollow chest or for my dad to see me broken
I spent five months in jail for not asking for help
instead just plunging needles into the soft spot in the crook of my elbow
and isn't that ironic?
that we don't try to save people that are hurting
and that when I came home you still asked how I was but didn't say that you love me
and maybe that's why I wanted to die

I can't forget you
every day I try to strip you from me like ruined sheets
it's bad enough I have your name embedded in my skin
what I would give to be 18 and carefree again
it took me three years of chewing my own thoughts to death
you left scars on my skin and I am not allowed to ask for you back

****

the universe doesn't recognize your suffering
and my dead mother doesn't care that I am bleeding
or that I am empty, save the sadness in my throat
BUT IF SHE WERE STILL ALIVE
she'd sit me up on the counter next to the sink
and pour peroxide on my skin knees
(that I got the moment all the air left my body all at once and I came crashing into reality)
no, if my mom were here
she's wrap me up in all the blankets in the house
and make a fort out of the couch
and give me glasses of ginger ale
because it's supposed to help with stomach aches
but it's my heart the's hurting
so how do you remedy this situation?
because I don't remember the last thing you said to me, Mom
and afterall
it feels like I will bleed for an eternity

.1. I pick mania over drug induced numbness any day
at least this way it's not wasted feeling
this blade at my wrist

2. I could get drunk on you white girl
when I remember that feeling of your lips on my neck
I know I'd never have to get high again
but I want to

3. YOU'RE WORTH DYING OVER
actually I think that's just the mania speaking
BUT ISN'T IT SOMETHING
TO NOT BE AFRAID OF DEATH ANYMORE?

4. I KNOW I AM LOVED
BUT HELL I WANT THAT COLD BITE OF GLASS IN THE CROOK OF MY WRIST LIKE I NEED AIR TO BREATHE

5. I don't want to die
I just want to know what you taste like
OR MAYBE THAT'S THE SAME ******* THING