.1. I pick mania over drug induced numbness any day
at least this way it's not wasted feeling
this blade at my wrist

2. I could get drunk on you white girl
when I remember that feeling of your lips on my neck
I know I'd never have to get high again
but I want to

3. YOU'RE WORTH DYING OVER
actually I think that's just the mania speaking
BUT ISN'T IT SOMETHING
TO NOT BE AFRAID OF DEATH ANYMORE?

4. I KNOW I AM LOVED
BUT HELL I WANT THAT COLD BITE OF GLASS IN THE CROOK OF MY WRIST LIKE I NEED AIR TO BREATHE

5. I don't want to die
I just want to know what you taste like
OR MAYBE THAT'S THE SAME ******* THING

.1. when I said I had a odd sum of days clean
she said "I count on your days the way a catholic counts on rosary beads"
but I'm no saint and I'm destined to let you down again

2. when I have nightmares it's just my dad crying over my dead body
and she wonders why I never call when I never know what to say

3. I started skipping my meds again because I got sick of feeling normal
now I'm starting to see my dead mother every time I look in the mirror

4. I think my point is life is becoming a very morbid place to be
and I think about killing myself every time I wake up
but what if the last time I hugged my dad was dripping from the shower that he wrenched me from and outfitted in steel hand cuffs

what if I never hear her say she loves me again

in my dream I cultivate gardens in the contours of her throat
I plant daisies in the cavity of her chest
let ivy encircle itself in vines in her ribcage
AND SHE TELLS HERSELF SHE'S BEAUTIFUL
as if she wan't already a masterpiece before the artwork was installed

how do I say this

1. I wish I matched my reputation
maybe then this wouldn't sting so ******* bad
I spit at the word "darling" when I read it
and I can't tell you how worthless I felt describing dancing barefoot over concrete in the rain when I found out you already had a ***** on standby

2. you and I know a lot can happen in 24 hours
like you can let someone inside of you and blame it on me not loving you the right way
and I can cry over the way you spelled "future" like "temporary"
and how I already know too ******* much about that
and so I sort you into a pile with my dead mom and my daughter I'll never get to meet
and everything else that didn't last - like my clean date, our anniversary, the way you said "I love you", or my ******* name

3. you still think I wasn't serious
if a baby is what will make you want me
and you can name her after what it feels like to love something for once

so i'm sorry for that day some nine years ago
and I was already half a foot taller than you
when your eyes caught scarlet ribbon peek from beneath the hem of my shirt sleeve
and when you wrapped your fingers so delicately around my forearm
I'm sorry for the way I scoffed and said it shouldn't have taken three years to notice all the blood

2. and MOM I remember the way you cried for me for three years after that
I saw you collapsed on the floor outside my bedroom
and that's the reason I scrubbed the red from off the walls

3. misery loves company but I just like to wallow in my sadness
which made me think we had something in common
cause most days you didn't get out of bed either!
but you swear I'm more my Father's spitting image
so I cut off all my hair and drank my way home
and ever since these walls have stunk like bourbon and broken promises

my body aches
i miss my dead mom and my dope man just called so i bet you know what that means

i sleep on a mattress on the floor and my ex girlfriend used to think it was sweet
or romantic
or she just liked me so much she thought everything i did was cute

until i started falling out in public bathrooms
because then she just left me on the floor to die

i guess if i loved sleeping on the ******* floor so much i ought to just ******* stay there
right?

i'm sure you're sick of cracking ribs and kissing air into a hollow chest anyway

she use to think needles were **** and her lips always tasted like she had had a few too many

of what? i never quite figured it out

but i can still feel her skin under my fingertips
and my pillowcase still smells like you and this bed is too big for just one person and i want so badly to beg you to come back

i feel sick and the room feels like it's spinning and i can still taste you on my lips

my sister thought you were the sweetest girl until she heard you broke my heart but she still can't imagine you breaking mugs against my head so maybe you're not all bad

when i think about the family i'll never have i still think about waking up beside you and i still know exactly what to say to help you when your bad days come to get you and so maybe we're both not so bad but we're not all good either

and that's why i sleep with your ghost instead of you and that's why when the bad days come my voice gets swallowed up in fear and that's why today i don't feel so great

i didn't mean goodbye when i said it i only meant until to tomorrow

where are you