yesterday my PO showed up at my front door and my dad let her in
she ******* at me for skipping two months worth of tests
and for telling my best friend I'd get clean if she'd lie and say she loved me back

the next time i go to court i'm facing 5 to 7
with guidelines like that
the chances of me ever getting to meet my daughter are slim if
not nothing

my ex and i haven't spoken in weeks but i know she's getting high again
and i know she's still pretending like we were in love once

tell me about the first time you ever did blow
******
the first time you took whiskey in shots in a hotel room before swallowing xanax like tic tacs

TELL ME ABOUT THE FIRST BABY YOU LOST
tell me about the way you were going to get married in a week and you were hire someone vegan to cater even though i ******* hate the way tofu feels

tell me about the second baby you lost
tell me about how you named both of them after my daughter even though you never got to see their eyes

tell me about the boy you cheated on me with
the girl you let choke back ***** in my living room

tell me about how you kept coming to see me the last time i was locked up until suddenly it wasn't worth it anymore

i taste like sunshine with dirt in my veins and i know because you've written a hundred poems telling me so

"hey sorry I missed your call! what's up"

"I know you always tell me not to worry but I'm worrying so let me know you're okay please"

"It's been a couple hours and your mom just texted me?"

"this is a joke tell me it's a joke"

"please ******* answer me"

"I saw your car on the news I know it's your car tell me you're okay"

"they won't let me in the room they said you're hurt really badly"

"your mom is with me
we both can't stop crying
they've been in there with you for three hours"

"my brother says that's not good that it means you're not coming out"

missed call
voicemail
"I called to hear your voice again. We buried you today and I've never seen someone quake the way your mother did. I'm sorry I missed your call.. I know you always told me not to worry and I wish you were okay. I love you."

i wrote this to tell you all the things you'll never get to know about me

you will never get to know what i taste like with all 90 days under my belt

you'll never get to know how i handle the anniversary of my mother's death
or what watching my father die does to me

you'll never get to see me bailing my little brother out of jail
or find out about how i don't smile the same way anymore after serving two years inside

you'll never see me on my wedding day
and you will never hear me tell you "i do" or that i love you

or hear me announce that my wife is pregnant
and you'll certainly never get to meet my baby girl and she'll have eyes just like her mama

you will never hear me come home from work when we're in our late thirties and i always have a good reason to bring flowers

you won't ever find out what my favorite song is when i'm mowing the lawn out back
and you won't be there when i decide to press charges on the man that hurt me


my point is
you're gone.
and honestly, you might not care. you might not ever even think of me again.
but you will never get to know me.
and for that i am thankful

-sometimes I think about telling you how I imagine your lips taste like coming home
sticky from the **** beer you drink at 3 a.m.
but then you mention her
and I remember you could never want me

seasons start and end on your name

fall is coming
and all the leaves have turned a different variation of the color of your eyes

"I came for the first time since you"

and i don't mean the last time we hooked up in your car

i mean the last time we made love under sunset skies
the last time i tasted you without dirt in my veins

i'm begging you to cleanse me
and dress me in your love

it has been months since i have seen your smile
or heard the way you say my name

i walk through your office
every morning before i leave for work and i almost understand why dad is trying to run away from this house
it hasn't felt like home with you gone

i slept in your bed once and i was engulfed in memories of you
the way your hair smelled lying next to me here
but that was years ago

i'll be twenty soon
that will be the first birthday i ever spend without you and it is earth shattering having to stare across the table at your empty seat

my ex girlfriend loves make up
loves it the way she says i love needles in my veins
but this song isn't about that
not this time
it's about how many youtube channels she followed on my account
and that's one
and how i go online to read the **** she wrote about me when i thought we were still in love
and i play our soundtrack over and over
the way she asked to listen to led zeppelin in bed together
back when the powder wasn't nearly as scary
and she asks me how i'm so confident wearing war stories on my ******* sleeves
because all her burn scars she hides under all that make up
and i use to tell her how kissing her tasted like waking up safe for the first time in decades
and that's all i have
and how i labeled her as "home"
and left all my flaws and all my faults
buried under paperwork in one of her drawers
where i figured i'd never see them again
but my ex girlfriend loves make up
and when she removed it
well i'll be ****** if i'm ever going back