what does 47 days without ****** in your veins taste like?

like trying to explain to every **** person that you meet that you're not sick anymore
it just takes time to put the weight back on

like my girlfriend moved out and left half of her things behind
and that was ten ******* months ago
and sometimes when we **** in her backseat
i recognize my t-shirt on her floor
and so i'm still wondering if that means "i miss you"

like i think i'm way too over-medicated but everybody keeps saying "fixed" like i'm okay and i know i'm not

because my girlfriend left ten ******* months ago and i still have her t-shirts in my closet


and i bet you think that means i miss you, I don't.

she will never forgive me for picking ******

she says the *** is the best when i'm still shaking
says she hasn't seen me need something so badly since i met her

says i broke her heart for a dub of dope

like twenty dollars could ever replace her

i reread every poem i could find tagged in my initials

you keep saying i love ****** more than you but i tried to die when you left me and i tried to find you when i stopped getting high so what i think you meant to say was

you're scared

i mean how many times can you watch someone **** themselves before it in turn kills you

i never stopped wanting you

coming home meant carrying convictions back to the street with me
meant the weight of "******" etched into my shoulders

2. i waited until two days after my two months to celebrate
and two days is all it took for my mom to die while i was too busy with my eyes closed and my back turned

3. i fell in love eighteen times while i was locked up
and it was only after the first six that i realized i only kissed her because she has the same eyes as our daughter

4. nothing about ****** tastes sweet
and nothing about shaking all night tastes sweet either
and so i spent four hours asking myself why i let a girl with my dead baby's eyes kiss smack into my veins

5. there is nothing small about this
it has swallowed me entirely and it is the size of the rest of my life come crashing down

my heart still aches

i. when i came home i did weird **** like peeing with the door open and falling asleep with my clothes on

ii. when i came home i ate all of my wife's cooking and i never asked what was in it

iii. when i came home i started counting the number of naps i took a day and i didn't leave my room for a week

iv. when i came home i walked there barefoot and higher than when i left

v. when i got home i didn't just bang dope i shot anything i could break down

vi. when i got home i tried to measure the moments between my wife not loving me and my last OD
and i never made it past six

i am completely vulnerable to your bite. i love the way your teeth pinch at my skin, it reminds me of the way a needle feels in the crook of my arm. and i hope it ******* eats you alive, knowing i will never love you like salt in my veins

2. boys like skinny girls
and i'll never weigh more than i can buy in dope
i cannot remember the last time i ate

3. i am completely vulnerable to your bite
and the way your lips wrap around the word "******" like that is the only way you could describe me

4. what i cannot do in dope i will make up for in any way that deteriorates the light in your eye when you look at me

5. i will look you dead in the face and tell you i love you as i steal forty dollars from your wallet

6. it's been three years and she still says "i love you" when we hook up
i don't say it back this time because i can't remember the last time i meant it

7. my hands are always shaky
except when tapping the end of a full rig

8. i started stealing money after my mom died

9. you will still tell me i am a good person until the day i cut out your heart and sell it for dope money

10. i will never ******* love you like salt in my ******* veins

keep day dreaming of girls i've never met kissing smack into my wrists
i'm ready for something ******* lethal
and love poems aren't the same as saying i like the way you **** me like i owe you something
you're dangerous
and i swear

nothing tastes like you