I do love the feel
Of your big hard strong **** in me.
But I’m telling you
I don’t need you or your hard ****
for ****** satisfaction

Oh baby,
I know you’ve moved on
are gone
Except as …
friend? stalker? past acquaintance?
Anything but lover
Anything but confidante or soulmate…

I am stronger than I look,
Stronger than you know
Able, independent, self-loved

I am my own
“Oh god! oh god! oh my god!”

I worshipped you, loved you eternal…
now
I am my own god
I’ll miss you…but not too much
beloved ****

It can’t be helped & it can’t be stopped
on my mind still naturally
Remains…
…if desired…
Always,
I am

I’ll not touch you
If You don’t want me to
From your words & acts I’ll take my cue
But if you flip my switch & with your okay
I’ll make your mind go numb as you sway
To my hypnotic grind when I have my way
Caressing, confessing
secret hungers that crawl beneath my skin
The need to feel you plunge within
I’m years’ deep now, excitable
Sensations beyond all you imagine
Urging me to dance that dance with your permission
But ONLY if you flip my switch
If not, have no fear
Just friends, then, here

You were the rhyme
i thought i could write back to life
Until i learned
the Reader had long since died

“Rest in Peace, Poem Beloved”
as fresh flowers i lay
on an overgrown grave

Of course my heart would break for either:
death is death.
“code Adam” in the store today
fused my heart with his parent’s
heart beating fearfully for Wilder
age 7 in an orange shirt…
at least He was found

When we first met
I knew of little else--
Ignorant and innocent
You were my greatest love

Now I’ve been around
Sampled years of life
Yet I desire no one else
You ARE my greatest love

The rivers run dry, the rivers run dry, the rivers run dry tonight.
There’s a drought in the soul, a drought in the heart, a drought in the will to fight.
The water is turned to poison. The poison will crush your soul.
The water is turned to poison that burns up your whole
The castle collapsed to the dungeon; the dungeon is where we live
Dark and hungry and soulless with nothing left to give

I really wish I could hate you
Or, better yet, just not care
Because it’s weak how i wear
This need for you everywhere
It can’t be helped, this seeking you
Burns endless in my aching breast
Please let me know you more

Burn me, drown me, take me down
A Flaming Phoenix, I’ve been around
Uproot, transplant, a new me is found
Cut me, crush me, I rise from the ground

Mistake not this fire for a coal black soul
These colorful flames are brilliant & whole
My talons and wings don’t think to control
If passion is sin, I go to Sheol

Shackle me back with those chains I wore?
I won’t scream, bite or claw, but spread wings & soar
I tried to love his cold ash before
That grit in my mouth I’ll suffer no more

Moved twenty times by sweet 16
Learned young to breathe through the in-between
Grey ashes taught how to blaze & gleam
From that dungeon I ascend as Queen

I’ve not driven Her streets alone with thoughts of you breaking through
since those jet-lagged days here from Taiwan…
Now, driving this eve I KNOW
with Her rivers and bridges, rainy days and viewing ridges
That this City holds hidden memories long—
See? She remembers still those 2 figures who sat & talked there on the water front…
Nor did She forget the love-entrenched girl scratching out (between clients) poetic lines
composed as her magical hands worked to relax
spasmed muscles…
Ironic that nothing yet worked to soothe
a spasming heart, denied…

This Sunday, more of Her streets I will see—
Like that one I was driving to work
when heart-break broke me until I thought
I’d just drive & drive on forever… though never Arrive…
I’ve arrived…Full circle but now
Unbreakable
As again a knife breaks through the rain
driving pain
Deep
(I don’t think you saw or cared to see
the wish I wrote that we go deep…
“I want you so deep…deep inside” as Vintage Culture sang)
I guess this is all to say,
as I drive through this tired city today,
Like these murky rivers etched on the map
There flows through my mind & my veins
a story—unfinished…
never to be

there’s no grey in black & white
until the bleeding starts
then, sometimes
there’s even color

Aimless; trying to focus;
find I’m wandering ether-bound
Breezy lyrics ever ringing—
music in my ears, it echoes all around
Nothing yet can free reminders
aching love & numbing loss.
See their fingers clawing, reaching, helpless
for the witch they burned & tossed
Hurt & anger seething—fire-fuel
Sick that I’m the one let go
Though wings they took; Burned me…gone!
****, I’ll be their ghost flambeaux!
What’s that? Now my tonic you desire?
Now the witches brew you crave?
All that I have left to offer
are these deathly flames you gave…

You let my heart
run wild
with yours today
…
I wish I could say, it’s true…
but, rather, I just miss you

I would be very shy at first
If you, too, were timid,
we might side-step desire
while conversation pervades
evades
the cravings of our longing bodies
for an hour or two…
all it would take for you
to teasingly linger fingers on my thigh,
I’d softly sigh,
draw nigh, face nestled close against your neck
a dance beginning as I linger on your lap
Legs around, as sound erupts
Expressions of a need far beyond words
Passion, need & longings
rule the ravings of our bodies… cruel
craving
with an aching need
desire for the pressing, rocking, swaying as we rhythmically
merge our mutual want into choreographed memories
persisting, resisting
moving on into
Times and places far away
Where you sway
The maybes & somedays to bow into
The never-again-to-be (lost, forgotten memory)
Still
I’d rather be grasping the bedding
& crying out in ****** passion
as you find ****** satisfaction
in me
Than let hope waste away
Long forgotten memory
Dismissed
I wanted to love you
(Maybe I still do)
So I’m sorry you said never
and I’m sorry I couldn’t wait forever
I’m sorry that this could likely sever
chances or hope of together. still,
whatever may be, I’ll ever
be grasping again the bedcover
moaning in pleasure as dreams of you
wash over
My Every reality
for you…

Is it external factors
Halting more chapters?
Or an innate absence of appeal?
Collapsing love once real…
Empty sorrow
Of endless empty tomorrows
Piercing heart is all I feel


March 1, 2025

Valuing far more than being valued
Decades & counting
Yet to find a lover who loves
as loved

sorrow

Then
I read the saddest good-bye’s
From cold grey eyes
Denying a glance my way
Now
Mournful another would claim
Gifts writ in your name
for desires you could not say
Ever
The longing holds true
I’m wishing for you…
But respect holds me at bay

Yes
Don’t we all just want to feel
****
Smart
Attractive
Desirable
& mostly LOVED…
Don’t we all want to know
We’re valued
Admired
Appreciated &
Mostly LOVED

don’t we all just need to know
We matter?

I matter…I am ****…I am important…I am LOVED!
You matter! You are ****.  You are important! You are LOVED!
So don’t
Fade away
We MATTER
Always…
We all need to know
We matter to someone…
You are everything to me

Don’t you know you ****** with my heart
Don’t you know you ripped it apart
Don’t you know I’ll make a new start
I can turn this chaos to art

Over fifteen years of friendship you tossed
Still I didn’t count you as lost
Patiently melting thick frost
‘Til back into my life you crossed

Was it all just a game to you?
Will I forever mean shame to you?
Now denied all hope to reclaim with you
The love we once both proclaimed e’er true

Yet, these tattoos proudly are worn,
Though, at times this love is a thorn,
Your friendship I never would scorn
It’s your “not in the future” I mourn

I wonder, is trust a thing of the past?
Could deep friendship not truly last?
Now it seems much has surpassed
the care you once held fast.

So much I offer:
I would be your home…
a listening interested empathetic ear;
love, care, accepting all of you and more!
admiration, worship, undying affection,
appreciation, patience, love,
words, images, actions of deep passionate desire,
seeking to fulfill your every fantasy,
pleasure in your pleasure,
giving, understanding, long-lasting friendship
so much I have to offer
I KNOW my worth…
If you don’t, that’s on you…
others will…
just know, I’ll always care,
& you’ll always hold
My #1 position
So, if you ever really SEE me…
I have an epi pen ready…
Always,

I will deeply miss
these spaces where your mists reside
yet I cannot abide the pain
that rattles my brain when you hide
and anyway,
that room has said “goodbye”
so must I (with mournful sigh)
still, I WILL so deeply miss
these spaces where your mists reside

The hunger written in your eyes
Traced in softest lines along your lips
Visions of the need you felt…
Twined around my heart
& stayed, remained
Rooted deeply in my past & now & evermore
Yes, they remain — these photos etched into my memories
favorite visions of desire
igniting my desire
Evermore
None other can compare
Lips speaking more than words
Beyond the promise of “I love you”
Did those lips lie?
Possibly forget?
Embrace a kiss more passionate?
I only know, those lips—
Echoes of a love so deeply missed!
Now every time I see such hunger in expression
I remember and desire you alone
& your hungry eyes

I feel you deep within my soul
I feel you engraving a hole
I feel you devouring my whole
I feel you deleting your role
I feel you erased; I lose control
I feel you evaporate my soul
I wonder what REALLY is your goal?

you dwell so deep within my fantasy
i cannot loose you from my longing
your name and touch flow through my veins
your body is my heat
your face and voice though faded, reappear
in watercolor visions of my dreams
your erasure fails
because you are my book of memories
you’ll be my always wish
when i frame my love
when i draw the walls of home
there you remain
my love
ever haunting my hope

That fiery need in your eyes
Casting white-hot fingers from coal-black pupils
That reach to burn my clamoring hands
Licking the taste of desire that seeps,
No…Bursts from my tingling nerves
As I run my fingers through your hair
Across your cheek, cupping jawline, tracing lips
Drawing your strong neck closer for a lingering kiss
The excitement floods my body
Straddling your lap, igniting a dance of hungry passion…
the truest fuel remains that burning in your eyes
Your lips distraught with deep desire
to hold this raging fire
Forever
Watch and feel and blaze intense
In rhythm to my rocking grinding hips
and with your starving ember eyes
Turn me on
Fire

Let’s sit across the room
Instead of side-by-side
“I’m too tired to talk,” I say
but really want to hide
When, how and why
did partners turn friends
the lover lose allure
even friendship end?
The needy insistent touch
now magnetic repulsion
Hug & kiss a daily duty
just dreaded compulsion
Honest attempts to renew a flame
Futile when fuel is degraded
No longer matters who’s to blame
Only that one is frustrated


3.26.25

I want to take you

Let basic instincts overcome
I want to let the Beast inside
Run Wild,
run Free
…just RUN
I want to merge, converge
with desire and passion and need
I want to hold your greed
hear you plead
with dilated eyes for more of me
I want to merge our rhythms, merge our rhymes
Merge your deep heart deep with mine
I want to feel you feel my deep inside
Let thinking stop & love the ride
Let rudimentary vision win
I want your all!
the Divine, the Sin

The teen Eagles trying to share the long sandbank outside my window
Humored me repeatedly with their swole posturing & mid-flight scuffles
It is strange how their engaging antics
Lifted my thoughts to wishful flights
Where I would share the views with…
But perhaps I share too eagerly, too frequently
so resist the urge…
No matter…
These enormous formidable raptors
Rejected my association with their convocation
The plethora of snapshots captured
Shows nothing of the moments I would share

*and, yes, in all 5 senses (if with a kiss)

There was a summer…mmm, a handful of days,
then one northeastern evening…
(sorry, our history becomes a bit of a haze…
were all those memories misleading?)
I wanted to borrow & hold & treasure
through several handfuls of always forever
but the past told me, “Best leave it be”
So here I am ruminating
Messing about with a handful of words instead
(of the simplest primitive kind sometimes)
maybe it all was just in my head
memories of a love imagined
connection ne’er before fathomed
echoes of soul-deep passion…
Could it have been a mere passing?

did I mention how I dread
the empty spaces still?
I’d wished for a caring hand
and one to watch birds at the windowsill
pecking the moments to fill
Greying days with smiles and silences—Peaceful
now I’m not sure who would sit with me…
’cause no-one fits that wish you see
it’s quite a unique place
this heart-hole empty space
that the past of you once graced…
now it’s just called “The Missing”
christened with a handful of wishing
painted over with a handful of words
I’ll bring flowers tomorrow

Pausing mid-conversation
with a bi-weekly buddy
he interrupts my **** to say
“The cat spilled her water”
…
so I fill & clean and wonder:
why the **** tell me?
(it took more time than sopping up the spill)
…
Maid! MAID! Snap snap…
Over here Miss…& bring a rag
…
Eye roll into bed…
so ends a day of service

I wish I had the nerve
Wish I didn’t revert
to fixing, soothing, fawning, self-erasing
I wish I could remember how I feel,
find the words…at the right time
but mostly find the nerve

How many months am I allowed to hurt
after a couple decades of injury?
I wish I had the nerve
to take MY turn!
Then, I wish he would just listen.

Yes, angry now
that I don’t have the nerve
to carve out a place for MY hurt
Or better yet
to find my own safer space to heal

I didn’t want that…
It was an absent-minded slip,
A genuine mistake,
The wrong touch

& now again
I mourn what cannot be undone
A likely risk
sure to one day come
Does loss ever become
easy, acceptable, humdrum?

perhaps…because
the part that isn’t saddened
sighs, shrugs & resumes
as intended

still the cloud hangs heavy
carrying another mistake

Yes, lost
in the nethermore
of a love-missed future…
which path ended here?
it wasn’t the one with you
the imagined wrong choice, though,
might not have been a choice after all
regardless, the loss is the future for me…
sadly

🔥
I burn wild & strong
Blaze bright & long
Do me wrong
I flame on
Fire I bleed
Feed my need
From this seed
Pyrophytic breed
sip honeysuckle sweet
from hardened ****…
Would he defeat
This flaming heat?
On repeat
Lies, deceit
Inferno retreat
Into my heat
Ember glow
Ashes know
Eventually I go
Cold as snow
yet, buried below
I grow, I grow
My own hero
lava flow, flow, so…
burst Fireworks glitz
amidst sparks emits
reborn Phoenix
Flame’s remix
the Cycle of Fire
🐦‍🔥

You are the Sun in my skies  
You are the Light of my life  
You help me grow  
You warm my soul  
You are my Sun shining bright  

You are the Moon in my night  
Reflecting again my light  
So I may know  
I have a glow  
You are the Moon in my life  

You are my sky-full of Stars  
Immense sphere of heat. Though now far,  
Still you shine here  
Sparking my cheer  
You are the Stars in my sky  

Sun moon and stars through the years  
Always in my heart most dear  
In time we’ll find  
Shared peace of mind  
When constellations collide  

Someday a nebular prime  
Collecting our space dust of time  
Will burst in bright pillars of recreation,  
Merging our stars with illumination  

Where light-speed erases the distance  
Our twin loves are free  
Together we’ll be  
Orbits shared finally  

Someday  
our space will collide

I need you to **** me
& love me
And kiss me,
& hold me
I need you to want me
Always
I need you
Your Everything
For Always
Touch me
Need me
Trust & love me
I need you in me
Surround me
With me
Not just a moment
I need a future with you
Living life with me
I need you still
(and always)

If I could stop, I would
Because it hurts so much to need
something I can never have

In your absence
I’m a little angry that you left me
to smolder in sadness
Aching. Lonely. Alone.
Again

Such a fool for you!

The most I can do
Is lash out with pitiful words
because your ghost refuses to be buried
I wish sometimes that I, also,
Could just choose to *******

I told the wrong times
from the wrong time zone
But that’s the simplest of all the wrongs
Like the wrong second…triple…more-
Guessing myself
How much else was wrong?
The illusion?
Delusion?
Or conclusion?
Action? the reaction?
Wrong? Wrong? Wrong?
& this is why I beg:
please don’t judge me…please!
I judge aplenty
all. by. myself.
Judging these judgments as wrong
Ever & forever
Digging, digging, digging for answers
Yet all i find —
more questions, more questions…
& the ever echoing certainty
One thing won’t die
One truth remains
One desire burns eternal
Is it wrong?
Wrong? Wrong? Wrong?
I suppose it must be
Since you’re Gone, Gone, Gone

Were those days real,
The sunshine moments conversing?
Did those precious few nights exist
Blanketed by your breath?
Where do memories end
and visions of desire begin?
Those words of love you spoke—
are they memories or dreams?
Will they yet come back to me?