I am looking around this car

at my mom

my sister

my father

and no matter how much I complain

I am realizing how much I really love my family

Every thing hurts me
It kills my soul every time I speak
I open my eyes but I can't see
The light screams at me
Stop please
I can't think
I can't be
I don't want to try
I'm gonna die
I don't wanna fly
I want to sink
Drown in a sea of pain
Where nothing can hurt me
No thing can hurt me
Everything hurts me
Everything hurts me
It hurts to be
I'm dieing on the inside
And this pain is killing me

Am I wrong
but didnt i care about things
I can remeber crying
when my dad dropped my pet fish in the sink

Am I wrong
but didnt i feel things
I remeber laughing
and crying
and hoping

Am I wrong
but didnt you love me
I could remeber your face when you saw me
your eyes said more than your mouth

Am I wrong
but didnt I love you

Am I wrong
but doesnt this situation hurt you too

Am I wrong
but arent you thinking about me like i think about you

Am I wrong

If saving the person I love makes me a monster



so be it

Im tired
of being tired

As I search through the empty place, I like to call my mind I wonder
where are you the child who could always smiled no matter how many times they called her a mistake
where are you the girl who had dreams, and has someone she wanted to share them with
where are you the heroe who could stare at the stars and forget the dark
where are you the leader that I use to be
where are you because your no longer with me

The world never saw me for who I was
now that I think about it
the world never saw me
Somehow I escaped all their memories
I avoided all records of the time i spent here
my slate is white as snow
and much cleaner then my couscous
I thought you already knew this
I am an invisible girl
you have to see me to believe it

I didn't even break skin
That doesn't count does it?

It's hard to pretend
To keep the smile pasted on
To try to smile with my eyes

It's hard
To give all yourself away
And get nothing in return

It's hard
To lose everything
And be expected to give more

It's hard
To be awake at 3 in the morning
And wonder why your heart hurts

It's hard
To be told you don't know anything
That you're too young to understand

It's hard
To see whats happening
But live life like your missing something

It's hard
To give them everything
But they all claim "no one cares about me"

It's hard
To live with the realization that your nothing
Then be told you where wrong

It's hard
To be in love with broken things
And always getting cut in the process

It's hard
To breathe
And to wake up daily

It's hard
To be

I realized something

I never had a child hood

I never ran out onto the sand and swam in the ocean

I never had a favorite toy

Or had my dad teach me to ride I bike

I never flew a kite

I never had my mom tuck me into bed

My mom wasn't there for my 3rd birthday

I cant say I love or hate my mom's cooking

I never had help with homework

I have never been to a candy store

I have know what death was since I was 5 years old

I never grew up with my best friend
She died when I was 7 of cancer

I never had a child hood

Your off to great things
Today is your day
Your mountian is waiting
So get on your way
*Dr suess

Aren't mirrors amazing
You can look in and see your surroundings
We don't all see the same things
When I look in I see beautiful me
I see a girl with long hair
and brings smiles where every she is seen
she changes the room
She looks amazing with her curly hair
but she always straightens it
I think the mirror told her to
But her hair looks pretty straightened too
She always has killer clothes even though they aren't name brand
but they don't have to be
she looks amazing in jeans
if there from walmart or aberocrombie
She has 297 followers on twitter
that have never heard her talk
she is always on her phone
and never finds time for home
she doesn't talk in real life
not that much
online is her whole life
maybe online is changing her view
maybe if she puts the phone down
she will realize she is beautiful to
when she is sad about how she is fat
It brings a smile to m face
because she doesn't realize how great
she is
I hope one day she can take the blind fold down
and she will finally realize
she isn't the ugliest girl in town

You have to kiss a lot of frogs

until one finally turns into your prince

Because the waves may hurt the sand
The sun may scorch the land
But they wait for it
They want it
And will relive it everyday

My ****** knife

is dripping more than my hand

then the drips
drips
drips

drips



drips


d r i ps

d
        r
                i
                        p
                                  s
start to come slow

so i take the knife

and make more blood flow

Leave me in the dust
and I will build a sandcastle

Leave me in the river
and i will learn how to breathe under water

Leave me alone
and i will make new friends

But if you never leave me again
I will make sure our relationship ends
because i can't stay with you
consume you with worry
and make you stop feeling things
about your own families life

your brother died
and your thinking about me?

If you stay with me

I will **** you inediably

He's beautiful
A lot of my friends disagreed
Said why **** a guy who isn't ****
But I don't see him that way
I guess you could say "love makes you blind"
Though I'm not in love, and I can see just fine
But I miss him
Obviously
Or else I wouldn't be in my room right now crying about leaving
But I made a choice
A decision
That no matter what happens I wasn't happy with him
I'm gonna look back and remeber the hard times too
I  will remeber the times the left me
And the times he broke me
When he toyed with my sanity
Just to watch me squirm
Blackmailed that he would tell my family
If I didn't stay with him longer
Our relationship was complicated
But he did call me pretty
Or beautiful
I was his little ray of sunshine
And his diamond in the rough
He sang to me on the good days
And hugged me when I was having a bad one
He invited me out with his friends
When none of his other girls could come
He cared for me
More than most people do
And I needed that
I wanted that
And your crazy if you call that a abuse
maybe I couldn't see it
Maybe I still can't see it
But I made a choice
A decision
That no matter what happens I wasn't happy with him
I will get over it
And find somone new
Just maybe they will love me
As much as he use to

Would I like him if I could feel?

You say you know me
but you only know a part of me

I tend to act diffrently
depending on how you treat me

Technically
it is all just me

But you wouldn't know that
because you don't know me

I wish the only person to comfort me
wasn't hurting by doing it

I wish i wasnt a bother to you

I wish my hurting
wouldnt make you forget everything you thougth you knew

but whats the point of wishing
if it will never come true

I want to forgive you
but our relationship was like a wave hitting shore
we had our rises
right before we crashed
and we always crashed

I want to love you
but you have filled my heart with hate
I will never be able to look at you the same way

I want to be there for you
but you were never there for me

This roller coaster just complicated things
I can't just just stare at you and fell right anymore
I think this is the last time our wave hits shore

I'm sorry I hurt you

to make you feel better

I made myself bleed

so maybe I can see

The pain I gave you

and maybe i can change me

Do you care about life?
No not at all

So why are you alive*
Because I have a best friend who does

age is timeless

My parents drove
Each Sunday
To look at houses
I walked with them
The good child
While my brother
Waited in the car

Walked through other
People's lives
Found the bedroom that
Would be mine
Peered at their trees outside
Left with their cooking
Smells in my hair lingering
As I slept in the room
I shared in our apartment

Each Sunday my parents
Drove to look at houses
Fragments of other lives
Clinging to my shoulders
Inhaled into my lungs
Houses large and lovely
Streets where oak trees reached
To meet each other

Until one Sunday
My parents drove
And stopped at acres of
Plowed overturned land
Separated by plywood sticks
Numbered close and
Anonymous as soldier's graves
We walked all of us through
The mud until my father stopped

And pointed at the stick in
Which we would live our future
In that cemetery of surrendered
Imagination I held close the collected
Flotsam of floating memories
Of all those other houses
Held close the keys to my
Eventual release from
Mediocrity of the stifled soul
Trapped within the pride of my parent's
Achievement

My poetry has lost meaning
I use to capture
Beauty
I use to take words
Words meaningless to others
And create worlds

I was able to combine a few syllables
A few lose adjectives
Ignore all grammar rules
And twist reality
I use to make people feel something

I was able to create feeling
What happened to my poetry?
I guess the better question is
What happened to me

I was in a fight with this girl
her hair was down in curls
and she had an attitude
I don't know how the fight started
but i know how it ends
I remember her asking me  who do I think I am
I remember laughing as I coming up with a come back
but then I thought
Why bash this chick when I could teach her a lesson
I said
I am a girl
I am smart and funny
talented and gifted
loving and loved
And I have faith
I am not a fighter
But I guess that means I'm a punk
I'm not perfect
and I don't pretend I am
I don't have a man
I can do a hand stand and I am amazing
what is the point of this?
Why are you judging me
what is the reason you say all of these things to me
to try to hurt me
try to get me to stop what I do
and no I'm not jealous of you
to tell the truth
I don't care what you say
it just rolls off me like butter on pancakes
but i want to ask you this one thing
Why do you insist on hurting
people like me
schools call us the victims
of you the bully
but that is not what I think
I know the person who is really hurting is the bully
because that is the person who was hurting before me
and I know why you like detention
because you don't wanna go home
and because of that you want people to think this school you own
because you don't want them to see you through your disguise
see through you accent
cursing and lies
see through you hurting them
so they don't know you are about to cry
you don't want them to see you
because you are scared what will happen when they do
so when I look in your eyes you know what i see
I see little  kid who isn't happy
and puts on a front for people to see
people like me
you picked me to bully because you see something diffrent in me
I saw and I can see  
who you are
and you are just a child who wasn't loved
well here I am right now to give you a hand
I will be your one and only TRUE friend
I won't friend you because I'm scared of you
like these punks
I friend you because I want to know you
the real you
then I put my hand out as easy can be
then she turned around and walked away from me
I did the right thing
because the next day at lunch she sat next to me
what a bully
People you need tom realize
bullies aren't people you just put on the top of your to do list to stop
It's not a war to be fought
and I know that is not what you are taught
but just look for yourself
I know they hurt the victims everyday
and in no way am I trying to say that is ok
I just want to bring to your attention
that maybe the victim isn't the only one that needs a convenction
the bullies are the people who are hurting
and instead of pushing them aside and telling them they are wrong
why don't we just extend our arm and give them a chance
when someone pushes them to the side who will that help
they will feel hurt then hurt someone else
so why instead of trying to ignore their problem
we try to fix it
Because the victim isn't the only person who has to live with it
some say they deserve it
but they don't
they are just kids
who don't know
and when this happens
and your astounded beyond belief
when you see there is actually a person behind that bullying
I will reply
what a bully
because that is all you use to see

I dont like poetry
as if its all under one catogory

as if its all the same

I dont like poetry

once a few years ago
a teacher asked me if I wrote poems

I dont like poetry

I was so young
Nieve

I didnt know that shakespeares words

actually meant something

I thought it was all the same

All rhyms
nothing more

but then I wrote my first poem
and it opened up a door

I could finally
see what all the hype was about

I saw what it does to people
did to me

I wasn't looking for poetry
but it found me

and now
I wouldn't be alive
if it wasn't for poetry

I catch myself sometimes
Smiling
Laughing at a joke from my father
Or a silly dance by my sister
And in that quick second I forget what I did
I forget how I hurt them
I stop feeling guilty
Because I forgot what a monster I am
Life is funny that way
You have seconds of joy when you forget your past
Than it all comes back
In a blast on your mind
Everything was just fine
To bad it's never the real Happy